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How Can I Fix This?


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Old 7th January 2018, 7:03 PM   #1
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How Can I Fix This?

So my daughter my oldest daughter she's angry with me and has been for a while she's not doing anything bad she's just angry over things that I did when she was little. It's funny because before a few years ago she thought I was awesome and cool and now she looks at me and sees me only for my past and she's just disgusted with me.

Which I get as much as it pains me to say this I'm not a good role model. I mean my husband outright admitted to me recently that if it wasn't for our kids he'd kicked me to curb. Okay I should back up my life has been complicated these last couple of years. The last few months have been easier my husband got a new job I've left my old job behind and have been trying to focus on my kids.

Then someone from my past showed up and hit me up for money. I said no and he left photos and a DVD of me in the mail while I wasn't home (I was picking up my younger kids) I knew the pictures existed but I didn't know about the DVD and I never thought the jerk would pull something like this. My oldest daughter came home from school and she saw them the pictures but it was what was on the DVD that has her angry with me.

I have done a lot of things I'm ashamed of and I made some really bad choices. I'll give you a brief description I was an under age prostitute and I was recorded without my knowledge and there was a moment where a customer left and my daughter who was a baby at the time started crying and well the camera recorded me at a time where I was in a very dark place and a very different person.

Growing up I didn't have any positive parental figures and I didn't even really know how to really love or care about anyone but myself and I still struggle with doing the right thing even now. The point is in the recording I'd get angry and scream at her to shut up every time she would cry. Now my daughter thinks I never loved her she thinks I think of her as a parasite because I called her that. I was a stupid messed up kid when I said all that.

I mean what can I say? That I wasn't that messed up kid she saw because I was I can't deny that at those moments in my life I wasn't a terrible mother. I was a kid myself and there's no excuse but I didn't know any better.

The irony is my daughter is doing better in school she's getting good grades she just really and I mean really hates me. I don't think she's going to stop hating me. I think this because she said to me word for word "I'm not your partner, I'm not your daughter and you sure as hell are not my mother not anymore."

I can't say she's wrong to hate me and she's right I screwed up with her over the years and now she's not making excuses for me or looking at me with blinders on. I mean I keep thinking about how I raised her and I realized I've never treated her like a daughter there was a time when I thought about abandoning her just leave her in a hospital thinking she'd be adopted by a regular family and I was about to walk away when she started crying and I just asked her why she kept crying and I asked her why she even wanted me as her mother.

I told her that mother's weren't worth a dam and that's because I had a lousy mother and step mother and then I guess you could say I stepped up because I couldn't go through with abandoning my daughter and I told her that we'd be better than mother and daughter we'd be partners and that's always just been our thing where we say we're partners to each other.

Long story short I have a criminal past mostly small crimes like pick pocketing and shop lifting and I stopped after I met my husband and had my three other kids but I and I'm ashamed to say this I taught my daughter when she was young how to steal and I taught her how to lie.

I know I screwed up and I just don't know how to fix it because now even though I've turned my life around my daughter and she told me this herself that she wants to become a cop to put me behind bars. At the same time I realize I've treated her like a partner this whole time and I know I need to be a mother now but I don't know how to be a mother to her which has me mad at myself.

I mean she's not talking to me every time I do she'll bring up something from the past and then throw it in my face. She's not doing anything wrong her teachers think she's made a turn around but my daughter doesn't even call me mom anymore and short of taking a bullet for her I don't think anything can fix this. I can't just get mad at her and tell her to stop just because I'm upset she's upset with me.

My daughter is convinced I don't love her.
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Old 8th January 2018, 12:30 AM   #2
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You and your daughter (and husband) need to do family counseling. Lay it all out there and fix this. The pain your daughter feels is fueled by her anger, therapy can help you all get through this.

Yes you have a shady past. You own it and know you made some real bad choices. You are a better person now and I'm sure your daughter deep down knows this but right now she's not going to admit it.
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Old 8th January 2018, 1:01 AM   #3
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as the above poster suggested i feel professional family counselling is the way to go .....


i am also an ex hooker .....my family know my past i was outed when they were young.......and i explained to them the circumstances of why i became a stripper/hooker......they were more angry at the time with the person who outed me, for outing me was done out of pure spite.....as far as cameras and that go ....i know i was recorded and had pictures taken..i was only a teen...nothing i can do about that

...if they were to surface i doubt anyone would recognise me....maybe my voice......however my family would be supportive...as far as guys go ...i disclose my past fairly early to give them a chance to walk......

did you tell your husband before or after you were married?????

......your husband has to decide if he is willing to give it a shot with you and if he is then making threats is out about him throwing you to the curb.....and pulling together as a family is in......united together in working things out to the very best of your abilities.....

make it clear to your daughter this is what you want to do for all of you and that what you have done in the past will never happen again.... involve her ....reassure her no matter what you will never walk away from her or your responsibilities ...no matter what you have said before or done ...this is now ...and its going to be different...then get that help professionally.....from a caring compassionate family worker.... ...explain this also as part of the process that you need to be a stronger family unit.....you need that support.........


your daughters anger comes from a place of pain....she needs to be helped with that......you need to develop as a family with transparency ...honesty..and it may take a while for her to trust you..

you are not the same person as you were then......you have changed and change is always possible......you have a lot to prove to your daughter...i feel acceptance of her anger is the only way you can proceed that and family counselling...you understand why she feels the way she does about you......so now...its going to take time to repair...you can do this ...it can work...put your all strength heart and soul into healing your family.... ......and im sure healing will happen.......i wish you all the best.......deb
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Last edited by todreaminblue; 8th January 2018 at 1:03 AM..
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Old 8th January 2018, 2:43 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by todreaminblue View Post
as the above poster suggested i feel professional family counselling is the way to go .....


i am also an ex hooker .....my family know my past i was outed when they were young.......and i explained to them the circumstances of why i became a stripper/hooker......they were more angry at the time with the person who outed me, for outing me was done out of pure spite.....as far as cameras and that go ....i know i was recorded and had pictures taken..i was only a teen...nothing i can do about that

...if they were to surface i doubt anyone would recognise me....maybe my voice......however my family would be supportive...as far as guys go ...i disclose my past fairly early to give them a chance to walk......

did you tell your husband before or after you were married?????
My husband found out about my past a year or two ago I blerted out the truth and he threw me out took us a while to work through it. I started out as a prostitute eventually became a stripper and then a dominatrix. I became a dominatrix because it let me feel like I was in charge and I was working as a dominatrix behind my husband's back for a time because it was a how I empowered myself. My family and have been seeing a counselor though.

I didn't marry my husband for love I fell for him a while down the road he came from money and my pimp at the time had kicked me out. I do love him now yes I know how that sounds. I still remember the day we got thrown out by my pimp it was cold and raining and she was out side crying mean while the doors wide open and my pimp is banging some blonde and I told her I would fix things and how I fixed things was I found a husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by todreaminblue View Post
......your husband has to decide if he is willing to give it a shot with you and if he is then making threats is out about him throwing you to the curb.....and pulling together as a family is in......united together in working things out to the very best of your abilities.....

make it clear to your daughter this is what you want to do for all of you and that what you have done in the past will never happen again.... involve her ....reassure her no matter what you will never walk away from her or your responsibilities ...no matter what you have said before or done ...this is now ...and its going to be different...then get that help professionally.....from a caring compassionate family worker.... ...explain this also as part of the process that you need to be a stronger family unit.....you need that support.........


your daughters anger comes from a place of pain....she needs to be helped with that......you need to develop as a family with transparency ...honesty..and it may take a while for her to trust you..

you are not the same person as you were then......you have changed and change is always possible......you have a lot to prove to your daughter...i feel acceptance of her anger is the only way you can proceed that and family counselling...you understand why she feels the way she does about you......so now...its going to take time to repair...you can do this ...it can work...put your all strength heart and soul into healing your family.... ......and im sure healing will happen.......i wish you all the best.......deb
Thank you your words mean a lot. Though I can't help but wonder if I did the right thing by choosing to raise her.
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Old 8th January 2018, 2:56 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by MissCongeniality View Post
My husband found out about my past a year or two ago I blerted out the truth and he threw me out took us a while to work through it. I started out as a prostitute eventually became a stripper and then a dominatrix. I became a dominatrix because it let me feel like I was in charge and I was working as a dominatrix behind my husband's back for a time because it was a how I empowered myself. My family and have been seeing a counselor though.

I didn't marry my husband for love I fell for him a while down the road he came from money and my pimp at the time had kicked me out. I do love him now yes I know how that sounds. I still remember the day we got thrown out by my pimp it was cold and raining and she was out side crying mean while the doors wide open and my pimp is banging some blonde and I told her I would fix things and how I fixed things was I found a husband.


Thank you your words mean a lot. Though I can't help but wonder if I did the right thing by choosing to raise her.

what if ......it wont do any good worrying if she would have had a better life without you ...she might have or might not.....what does matter though is that her life gets better from now.....with you ...by you and through you.....its not your husbands responsibility as far as your relationship with your daughter and fixing things with your daughter.....having a husband didn't fix things for you at all did they..now you have to work on what wasnt fixed at all....and unfortunately yoru husband is involved........i am glad you now love him......does he love you....its a lot to ask a guy to stick around for.....does he have children too? it must be a lot for him to digest...deb
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Old 8th January 2018, 3:24 AM   #6
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what if ......it wont do any good worrying if she would have had a better life without you ...she might have or might not.....what does matter though is that her life gets better from now.....with you ...by you and through you.....its not your husbands responsibility as far as your relationship with your daughter and fixing things with your daughter.....having a husband didn't fix things for you at all did they..now you have to work on what wasnt fixed at all....and unfortunately yoru husband is involved........i am glad you now love him......does he love you....its a lot to ask a guy to stick around for.....does he have children too? it must be a lot for him to digest...deb
My past was a lot for him to digest yes we have three more kids together counting my oldest daughter we have 4 kids in total.
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Old 8th January 2018, 3:27 AM   #7
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My past was a lot for him to digest yes we have three more kids together counting my oldest daughter we have 4 kids in total.

you said step mom...who are you a step too...and i know it is a lot for a man to deal with....thats why he has to choose what he really wants ...to stay and give it a go or walk away if its too much but no threats...there needs to be commitment made on both your sides as parents.....either stay or go.... you do need to have an idea of where you are going from....to heal for everyone's sake...as a famili wth two parents or as a family divided and parenting still together united as parents if not as husband and wife........deb

Last edited by todreaminblue; 8th January 2018 at 3:30 AM..
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Old 9th January 2018, 10:20 AM   #8
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I remember your story and how even up to just a couple of years ago you had a very inappropriate relationship with your daughter. She knew way too much and you even had her lying and keeping secrets for you. At the time you boasted about how she thought you were so cool but now you are seeing the fallout. She has reached an age where she is beginning to understand exactly how dysfunctional her relationship with you has been. My mother was also a prostitute when I was little and she also neglected me while at the same tried to turn me into her best friend and confidant. I can empathize with your daughter.

I would suggest counselling for your daughter if she is open to it. Actually as I wrote the counselling suggestion I vaguely remembered you refusing to get her counselling a couple of years ago because you didn't want her talking about you and your secrets. If I'm remembering wrong I apologize but if my memory is correct then I sure hope you've gotten past the need to protect yourself at the expense of your daughter. The poor girl needs help from an objective professional. It wouldn't only be good for her but it would be good for you too. She is going to have contempt for you for many years to come if you all don't get some professional help.
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Old 9th January 2018, 10:32 AM   #9
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OP I have empathy for you too. I was also a teen mom and made bad decisions that affected my oldest son. There has been a lot of stress and drama in your life in just trying to survive. You need compassion and help too. Your daughter is rightfully angry about her upbringing. Her pain is valid but you probably also carry a lot of pain that has never been validated or addressed. I really hope that you will reach out and get yourself some counselling. Both you and your daughter need some emotional healing.
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Old 9th January 2018, 4:59 PM   #10
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I remember your story and how even up to just a couple of years ago you had a very inappropriate relationship with your daughter. She knew way too much and you even had her lying and keeping secrets for you. At the time you boasted about how she thought you were so cool but now you are seeing the fallout. She has reached an age where she is beginning to understand exactly how dysfunctional her relationship with you has been. My mother was also a prostitute when I was little and she also neglected me while at the same tried to turn me into her best friend and confidant. I can empathize with your daughter.

I would suggest counselling for your daughter if she is open to it. Actually as I wrote the counselling suggestion I vaguely remembered you refusing to get her counselling a couple of years ago because you didn't want her talking about you and your secrets. If I'm remembering wrong I apologize but if my memory is correct then I sure hope you've gotten past the need to protect yourself at the expense of your daughter. The poor girl needs help from an objective professional. It wouldn't only be good for her but it would be good for you too. She is going to have contempt for you for many years to come if you all don't get some professional help.
My family and I have been seeing a professional the truth is I was afraid to open up about my past and I feared I'd be treated with disgust and hatred for the things I've done most of all I was afraid this would I happen I was afraid my daughter would hate me if she ever learned the kind of person I am or was honestly I don't know the answer.
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