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Adult children's disrespect. Am I being unreasonable?


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Old 24th December 2017, 8:07 PM   #1
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Adult children's disrespect. Am I being unreasonable?

I would be glad of other's input on my situation. I work overseas and have left my two adult children (twins of 22) living in my apartment. They don't pay rent, just their own bills. I have come home for the first time since I went abroad to a number of issues.

Despite me explicitly asking my children (all adults) not to let my ex husband into my apartment, my daughter did. We have been divorced for 4 years after his affair and the divorce was extremely acrimonious, he was particularly vicious and made my life hell for nearly a year. It has taken me this long to be able to deal with it but the aftermath led to me having self-esteem and self-worth issues. My ex-husband, however, very quickly married the 'love of his life' and is now living the dream. I had to sell my home because I couldn't afford to live there and so my children moved out and lived independently and I bought an apartment. I have invested time, energy and money into making it home and a safe haven and was desperate for him not to come into my home under any circumstances. Now that he has I feel like my personal space and privacy has been invaded. Even though they have only lived here for 4 months, my kids seem to feel they are entitled to do what they wish as it is their 'home'.

I'm devastated to be honest. Am I being unreasonable? Would welcome any thoughts as I am full of doubt about my right to feel this way.
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Old 24th December 2017, 8:09 PM   #2
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Is your ex husband also their father? If so, are they comfortable telling him to go away?
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Old 24th December 2017, 8:10 PM   #3
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Yes & no.

I completely understand your reaction, but from an objective perspective, you have to stop thinking your whole place is now contaminated.

Do have a long, stern chat with your children about boundaries & respect. If they don't apologize, kick them out. They can go live rent free with dear old dad & his new wife. You can get a sublet & make some money while you are not using the place.
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Old 24th December 2017, 8:37 PM   #4
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Thank you for replying, I don't really want to discuss this with my two close friends over Christmas as they have listened and counselled me enough over the last few years. They may not be objective either, as they know how my ex-husband has been.

Yes he is their father... he has treated them very badly over the past 4 years too but they are not holding that against him. I'm happy for them to have a relationship with him even though it is very much on his terms. To be fair to the kids, they probably wouldn't have felt comfortable not letting him in, but my daughter phoned him when she was upset about something and asked him come.

I feel like I have been a whipping post over these last few years, picking up their pieces, problems, disasters spending every last penny bailing them out. I had hoped that living here without paying rent would help them to sort themselves out financially but it doesn't seem to have had that effect on either of them - quite the reverse in fact.

I can't help feeling contaminated now. I understand what you're saying though and I'm glad of your input. I can't trust my own judgement I'm afraid, particularly where the kids are concerned. I just felt that my home should be off-limits to him and wanted to guard my space and privacy. I did tell my children this before I went away and they promised to respect my wishes. I discovered something that made me suspicious that he had been here when I was cleaning up (their mess) today. When I asked them independently of each other they both lied until I told my daughter what I had found. It was only then she came clean, but was indignant about how I felt and said that this is their home and that she knew I would react this way which is why she didn't tell me. They have caused a bit of damage to things here too and run up big utility bills which they can't cover.

I feel betrayed, upset and disrespected.

Last edited by susannam; 24th December 2017 at 8:50 PM..
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Old 25th December 2017, 1:35 AM   #5
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I can understand how you feel susannam. I also went through an acrimonious divorce where my ex acted out terribly.

In our case the marital home was sold and I moved into another that he's never been in and would feel the same way were he to have come into my home when I wasn't there.

To me, it sounds as if your girls are disrespectful in many different ways. I'm not sure I'd allow my grown children to live with me if they behaved as you have written yours behave. My children, though, would not have lived with me once they graduated from college so it's a moot point.

How much longer is the lease on your apartment?

In your place I'd ask the girls to move out or I'd move out instead. If you have a lease, though, and they can't pay the rent, then it seems you've no choice but to stay until your lease runs out which is what I'd do. After that I believe I'd move out and find my own place. Not because my ex had been in the home, I probably could recover from that, but because it seems to me it's probable that your girls will continue to allow him into your home. And also because it seems they're disrespecting your home in other ways.
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Old 25th December 2017, 4:08 AM   #6
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When my daughter was 23 I moved from the area she had always lived in, to the other end of the country. She was furious and refused to come. Initially she refused to take my leaving seriously and wouldn't look at any of the rooms to rent that I found for her, but eventually I helped her find a room to rent.

She had a choice. Go with mum or stay on her own.

I think your girls had a choice. Follow your rules in your home, or move out.

If we have spoiled our kids, they have to learn life lessons. I think that although it is hard, your girls need this now. Help them move somewhere affordable. This will probably be a share, not a place of their own.

They will be indignant, but you have to be firm. You are entitled to a life too.
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Old 25th December 2017, 5:45 AM   #7
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Merry Christmas!

Thank you all for your replies, they are much appreciated. Not feeling any better about the situation but I at least I feel a little validated in how I feel. I know my own reactions to things, but then start to question if I am justified which makes me wonder if I'm out of step with the rest of the world. My kids don't seem to understand at all how let down I feel or how disrespectful their treatment of my home (or me) is. They appear to have a sense of absolute entitlement to anything I have. They weren't raised that way but after the divorce, everything changed in their attitude to me. It's as if I'll provide any safety net they need (housing, financial, practical stuff) and I've probably over-compensated and provided it.

I will be leaving the country again in 2 weeks and as I own the apartment I can rent it out or leave it empty whilst I'm away. I may have to be tougher than I feel and tell them to find somewhere else to live. Then I will have to live with the guilt of that. It's certainly a no-win situation for any of us.

I'm sorry to be so gloomy on Christmas day. I hope you are all having a wonderful and joyous day.
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Old 25th December 2017, 5:55 AM   #8
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Susannam, you can help them find somewhere else to live. They won't appreciate it (I speak from experience) but you will know you've done what you can. And you will worry less if you know they have somewhere reasonable to live.

22 is still pretty young. Young enough to learn from this and hopefully to have more respect for their mother next time.
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Old 25th December 2017, 11:51 AM   #9
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Merry Christmas!

No, it's definitely not you. Your house, your rules. You should explain to your daughters that they are adults and as adults staying in someone else's home, they are obligated to respect the rules set forth. And yes, this is YOUR own home. Not theirs. Their own home will be the one they move into and pay for all on their own. This one is yours. While they live in YOUR home, they are guests and should respect whatever rules you set or leave. That simple.

If my DD's invited their father into my home, I'd not only feel disrespected, but violated and furious. As I explained to them, their father may be THEIR family, but he is not MY family and isn't welcome on MY property. Ever.
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Old 25th December 2017, 1:47 PM   #10
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Susannam,

I hate to admit this but I understand completely how you feel. I own a home and I know my son would like to one day take it over. My biggest fear is that one day his dad may need to be taken care of and everything I busted my hump for will be used to help my ex H when over the years I felt nothing but hatred towards him about similar things. Infidelity, lack of help and CS with our kids as they grew up.

You probably can only tell your kids as I have explained to my own kids that your relationship with him is over and you feel that if he is there he is somehow invading your space. Honestly I would be afraid of my ex lifting something from my home.

At one point I wanted to write into my will that if I die I don't want him in my home period. But I have also talked to my H about selling our home so that I don't have to feel this way.

Your sons love their dad and they don't see it the way you do. They should however respect your wishes and if they want to see him they should go to his place.
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Last edited by jnel921; 25th December 2017 at 1:49 PM..
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Old 25th December 2017, 5:07 PM   #11
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Thank you to you all for replying. Needless to say, this has been a pretty miserable Christmas day. I am grateful for all of your views and don't feel quite so isolated now. At least I know I'm not weird for feeling like this!

I hope you all enjoy the rest of Christmas and have a very happy new year.
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Old 26th December 2017, 7:08 AM   #12
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I've been there as well.

And I too, would feel betrayed, upset .. Add violated.

Since it doesn't seem financially feasible for you to have to find a place for your kids, and another for yourself .. And you can't keep this from happening again, in your absence .. Perhaps a temporary solution of having the kids pack up their things and live with their father .. or another close family member, just while you are out of the country. And having your landlord change the lock.

I found that even though the 'dumper' will turn himself inside out to get out of the marriage .. still others told me, that he was extremely curious about how I was living, etc.

Hopefully you can work this out, so that you will find peace while out of the country .. and w/o having to put your belongings in storage.
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Old 26th December 2017, 7:15 AM   #13
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Definitely your house your rules. If your rules can't be followed I would ask them to move out or move in with their father. I was on my own at 22.
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Old 26th December 2017, 7:42 AM   #14
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He's the father of your children and they are half him.

Be mindful of what messages you send...
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Old 26th December 2017, 2:01 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amaysngrace View Post
He's the father of your children and they are half him.

Be mindful of what messages you send...
The deviousness, destruction of the three of them (husband/mistress/their attorney) turned me into a vegetable, at the time.

I would guess her ex-husband is using their kids to snoop on her lifestyle. Invade her.

Last edited by UpwardForward; 26th December 2017 at 2:04 PM..
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