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Should I have a baby on my own?


Nothingtolose

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Nothingtolose

I'm posting in the Parenting section, as I'd like to get opinions from people who are already parents. I'm a woman, 33, and recently got out of a 3 year relationship that had turned toxic and wasn't the right one for me.

 

My entire life I have wanted to be a mother. I wanted to be a mom in my mid-late twenties, but I ended a 6 year relationship at 24 and had a couple of shorter, unsuccessful relationships from 25 to 30, at which point I started dating my most recent ex. I did not expect life to turn out this way - if you'd asked me 10 years ago, I would have pictured my life at 33 married with 2 or 3 beautiful kids. Although I love to travel I'm not big into partying or lots of drinking or sleeping around etc, I love nights in, cooking, "family life" so to speak. It breaks my heart that so many of my friends now have this, and I don't, due to poor choices in men I made over the years.

 

Well, it is what it is. I can only look forward now, not backwards. I'd like to meet the love of my life and future father of my children, but I don't want to settle for the wrong person just to have kids, and am also aware I have just a few years of fertility left. I have a few options:

 

Option 1: Freezing my eggs before I turn 35, and waiting to meet this person (which may or may not happen), as this would give me a bit of extra time.

 

Option 2: Not freezing, and having a kid in a couple of years through sperm donation. My best guy friend even offered this option to me 10 years ago, and said the other day the offer still stands - he would give me a baby if it means that much to me. I could take his offer, or just get a donation from a stranger, I suppose. This would save me the 10K I'd have to spend on egg freezing.

 

Option 3: Wait to meet the right person, not do anything, and if I miss my fertility window, I could adopt. However, I heard adoption gets much harder past the age of 35, and they often turn people down when it's a single parent applying. My heart is totally open to adoption, but I'm not gonna lie, I'd be a bit heartbroken if I didn't have at least one of my own, mostly because I would love to get pregnant and go through the process of pregnancy.

 

I think about this subject on a very regular basis. I don't want to let it take over my life, or make me feel like I need to rush into a new relationship just so i don't miss my "window". This really sucks. I hate going on dates and having to jump through hoops to find out if the guy wants kids or not, because if he doesn't, I shouldn't waste my time. I think I need to make a decision that I'm going to have a baby with or without a man, to take this pressure off my life.

 

Are there single moms on here? What are your thoughts on me making the decision of doing this on my own?

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I think I need to make a decision that I'm going to have a baby with or without a man, to take this pressure off my life.

 

Yes, you should take this pressure off of your life. You don't need to make a final decision at this point, though. Freeze your eggs, if you have the means. Don't look at it as, "If I end up finding a man who wants a kid with me then it will have been a waste of money." It's not a waste of money. It's an investment, in a way. You'll have eggs stored just in case you ever need them.

 

I know that you're probably thinking that time is ticking, at age 33, to have a baby soon. But you are still very young. You have some time.

 

And if you do end up at an age where you are unable to carry a pregnancy, you can use a surrogate since you made a wise decision at 33 years old to freeze those eggs.

 

I fail to see any downsides to storing eggs, except for the cost.

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If you are financially able to afford a child I say go for it. It depends on how old you want to be when you become a mother. Go ahead and live your dream as the right man may never come.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Go with option A and only do Option B once you are 40 and financially sound. I have three friends who did this over age 40, but all 3 are very financially stable on their own. All super happy with their little families, too. One of them just had a second baby with the same donor (she was 44 when the baby was born).

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Fertility decreases around age 35. Fertility decreases again around age 40. The risks miscarriage, of birth defects, of maternal-fetal complications during the pregnancy and birth, also rise at 35 and again at 40. Personally, I wouldn't want to risk waiting too much longer, if I were you. Sure, some women have a successful pregnancy and deliver a healthy child later in life. Some don't. If you're financially sound and want to be a mother, I say go for it.

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You know, all three of those sound like great options. I would probably do the combination - freeze eggs and give yourself some more time, try and collect some information on adoption and whether you would qualify and in a few years, if you're still single, try sperm donation. That way you have everything covered and no pressure of putting everything on just one option.

 

I think you're still young and you have so many options, you don't have to choose one. It's great you're taking control of your own future and life.

 

Just FYI, I'm a single mother. Even though it happened the "traditional" way, I knew from the time I got pregnant that I would be a single mother if I continue the pregnancy and that's what I chose. I never once regretted it. I love being a mom and (this might be unpopular) but I love being a single mom and having just our own little family and that bond between us. Yes, some things are harder but it all depends on what kind of a person you are - I'm a very independent person so it never bothered e to not have a partner in parenting.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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georgiagirlie

I can completely understand why this is stressing you out, but I really do believe that you have time still. I am 35 with no children of my own, in a relationship for 16 months. I started dating my bf when I was 33 (almost 34). And we are in a situation where we are talking about having kids and moving in that direction. So a lot can still change for you. Think about what a different place your life was in 4 years ago. Fast forward 4 years from now and so much can change for you again.

 

My hard cut off for having children is 39/40. eg. getting pregnant age 39 and giving birth at 40. But I really would not want to go any later. My mum had my brother at age 42 and there were complications (although in the end everything was fine, it was a tougher pregnancy).

 

My half sister actually used a sperm donor and had a child, and she is a single parent. At times I wondered if I might do the same thing, when I was single around your age. But I'm SO glad I did not. I think my half-sister's situation is a little weird TBH. I also think you should make sure you watch the documentary Donor 150 before you go down that route....

 

Another option or thing to think about -- my bf has two children from a first marriage (age 8 and 6). Touch wood so far it's been an amazing experience.

 

I hope this helps.

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I'm a single mom and pretty much was even when I was married. But before I got married I had a baby by myself. I got married when my oldest was four then had two more. Then I got divorced when the two youngest were still in primary school. First and second grade.

 

I say go for it. It's twice the work but also twice the love, respect and admiration. I am so thankful for my children. I wouldn't change my life choices for anything!

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Eternal Sunshine

I would take full control of my life and go the sperm donor route. That way, you can still meet someone later and have another child with him.

 

Freezing eggs still leaves it up to "fate" to meet the right man. It is also very expensive, the freezing itself, the years of storage etc.

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I'm exactly your age and thinking to go with Option 1. If I don't meet anyone - so what? I can still do IVF with donor sperm later. Or even use a surrogate later. Basically it stops the bio-clock, which is great.

 

Btw freezing is expensive but NOTHING even close to the expenses for having a kid :D So if the cost is prohibitive, think twice if you want to be a single mom.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Btw freezing is expensive but NOTHING even close to the expenses for having a kid :D So if the cost is prohibitive, think twice if you want to be a single mom.

 

Hmmm, good point, NoGo!

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GorillaTheater
Go with option A and only do Option B once you are 40 and financially sound. I have three friends who did this over age 40, but all 3 are very financially stable on their own. All super happy with their little families, too. One of them just had a second baby with the same donor (she was 44 when the baby was born).

 

My half sister actually used a sperm donor and had a child, and she is a single parent. At times I wondered if I might do the same thing, when I was single around your age. But I'm SO glad I did not. I think my half-sister's situation is a little weird TBH. I also think you should make sure you watch the documentary Donor 150 before you go down that route....

 

I would take full control of my life and go the sperm donor route.

 

I'm exactly your age and thinking to go with Option 1. If I don't meet anyone - so what? I can still do IVF with donor sperm later.

 

 

I was a semen donor in grad school. Let that sink in a moment. :laugh:

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I was a semen donor in grad school. Let that sink in a moment. :laugh:

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao: Wonder how many baby gorillas are out there!! You should register for Ancestry DNA and see if you can meet some of them ;).

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GorillaTheater
:lmao::lmao::lmao: Wonder how many baby gorillas are out there!! You should register for Ancestry DNA and see if you can meet some of them ;).

 

 

OP, please pardon the threadjack.

 

 

CO, funny you should mention that. I was just contacted by a second cousin who's active on that site and who was contacted by a woman who believes my cousin is fairly closely related to her son, who was an IVF child. We'll see what happens. :)

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CO, funny you should mention that. I was just contacted by a second cousin who's active on that site and who was contacted by a woman who believes my cousin is fairly closely related to her son, who was an IVF child. We'll see what happens. :)

 

that's pretty cool GT

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My heart is totally open to adoption, but I'm not gonna lie, I'd be a bit heartbroken if I didn't have at least one of my own, mostly because I would love to get pregnant and go through the process of pregnancy.

 

How about fostering a child now just to make sure you're truly ready for parenthood? You'd be doing an incredible service and also learning to bridge the gap between parenting as a concept and the (sometimes difficult) reality...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Can you afford one? Do you have babysitting backup? Because obviously, you'll need to work, so you need enough money and enough babysitting support, such as relatives, who in my day, felt no obligation to do that for their kids having already done their time. I mean, even though not all husbands are always willing to look after the kids, you can usually guilt one into watching them long enough to go to the store. You have to think about how hard daily life is when you have to drag the child everywhere with you. It's no small chore and your nerves will be frazzled, your back sore, and everything else.

 

In the alternative, if it were me, I could see having a child without a husband, but I couldn't see having one without having some support. Like willing relatives are a must, but then also, I'd seek a living situation with another single parent so you two could trade off sometimes. Even that is a lot of stress because obviously not everyone wants to do what you want when you want, but it's a backup.

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I guess to me it would depend on your reason for considering option 2 over option 1. If the reason is concern over pregnancy or motherhood later in life, then getting a sperm donor now would be your best bet, assuming you have all your finances in place to take care of the child by yourself if you got pregnant tomorrow.

 

If, on the other hand, the reason is solely finances, freezing your eggs is actually the more prudent route IMO. Egg freezing is expensive but it will not even come close to the cost of raising a child. Especially as a single parent, as you will need to make more career sacrifices due to not having anyone to rely on to take care of the child, so the opportunity cost of that needs to be factored in as well.

 

I don't think option 3 is a good one for you considering that this is such a big need in your life.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I'm around your age with the same issues and think about this often. One thing I'd recommend is doing more research into egg freezing. It's not as guaranteed as the news headlines about it would have you think -- it takes several rounds of essentially doing ivf for a few months to get enough eggs for a high success % (and you pay for each round). I'm leaning towards sperm donor eventually because it just seems a lot less invasive and I'm a person who has a very rough time feeling sick from my normal cycle as it is.

 

I've also read some studies that the combined age of the egg/sperm is more important than the age of the woman. So a late 30s egg plus 20-something sperm is more likely to still be ok versus 40-something+ sperm. If that research is sound, it makes me feel a tiny bit less pressure if I wait a couple years longer to go the sperm donor route.

 

Good luck... it's not really a fun mind space to be in, so let me know if you've thought of a way to handle it that makes it less stressful when thinking about dating and planning day to day!

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todreaminblue

everybody on here has basically said go for it........i don't agree...with being a single mum there's a whole stigmata thing going on......you not only have to worry about yourself but your child as well as far as dating another goes....its a risk you take....there's the fact that you might meet someone and have a child and that person you are now with may feel differently about your first born....being a single mum isnt easy and having a child is a wonderful experience...but....it doesn't feel so wonderful when you are operating on no sleep .....like a robot....and walk out of your house with toilet paper hanging from the back of your dress and fresh vomit on your clothes because you dont have time to change...

 

its when your child grows into a teen maybe hangs around the wrong crowd and you are at home facing the fact you dont know where your child is ...its too late to ring people up to talk about it its 3 am in the morning and you are sitting there alone contemplating who shot them up in the hand with heroin this time..so they could have sex with them.. you just sit by the phone scared to leave when all you really want to do is be out there looking....this is where a dad could be......

 

its if you have a girl and the bfs start coming around see no dad in the picture and then start to treat your daughter like utter ****e and it doesnt matter ho many times you try to build your daughter up ...what those particular bfs need is a mans hand and understanding to put them in their place or boot them for all time..............or its the angelic with you bf you have that you dont know, have no idea at all, when you leave him alone with your child he relentlessly torments them until they cry the child is too young to explain..

 

there will be so many times...many times....i should put another many times here...

 

 

that you will not know what you are doing where you feel insecure about your parenting where you feel like an utter failure...you just keep trying.....and trying and trying ...your hair falls out..people point out hey your moulting.your immunity goes down trying to cope ...your body is suffering ...your heart is broken......you don't want to go anywhere you feel ashamed unable to cope and alone.....you reach for someone to give you some support ......you don't want to talk to family they give you the same advice....you just want someone to listen to you crying.......friends dont want to hear it.....so you plaster on a smile while saying yeah im good theres a light at the end of the tunnel...and all you want to do ...is go to sleep and dream of a happy place....but you cant....because you have to keep going,..you have to keep trying...they are your child....you are responsible for them.....you are committed for life and there is no break....you are a parent for life.....

 

NOW

none of this might happen to you your child may never have to go through or do the things that i have written...who knows.....all i know is that i would never intentionally say to anyone to become a single mum...theresa lot of good and single mothers who havent had problems like the ones i have said...btu there are some horror stories out there...i think you have to see both sides....and even though my reply is negative in nature i do it in the spirit of showing you another side for you to think about and that is truth

 

 

when i was with my ex i said one day to him prophetically...i said please please dont make me a single mum...stay true to me..i am a single mum of five....

 

because i have always been there for single mums ....always...most of my best friends have been single mums....i have heard some horrible things i wont even write....most of what i have written above ...is from personal experience.....

 

wait ..........just a while longer before you make a decision about being a single mum......go to single mum groups and activities.....listen closely....get an idea of what you could possibly face......and then decide.... you do have time......to share parenting as it should be shared ...i am not saying at all i dont have support ...i have both fathers of my children in my life and theirs...not that my kids really take notice of them ....due to the fact they both checked out really on their responsibilities....

 

i have family and i have friends ...but when it gets tough.....you feel the weight ....and the oneness of being a sole parent..........

 

 

i didnt have a choice i am a single mum because i had these babies i will go down with the ship.....sink or swim...im here....

 

......you do have a choice...choose the right life for you.....for you and your future babies....because there might be more than one..........deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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LivingWaterPlease

I was a single mom once I divorced but I gave birth to my children while married and while not knowing I would ever divorce.

 

Life for my children with a father in the home was totally different than life for my children without a father in the home was. My children sorely missed having a father living in our home, though they did have visitation with their father for a few years after the divorce.

 

To me, part of being the best mom (which is what I wanted for my children) is to put the child's best interests above one's own desires. With that in mind I'd advise you not to give birth to a child, despite your own desire to do so, until you can provide the child with a father who lives with him/her. From what I've experienced with my own children, and from what I've seen in other families, children do best with both a mom and dad living in the home.

 

However, I do realize there are many children who are already born who may never have either a mom or a dad and that for a single mom or dad to adopt one of them would be better for the child than having no parent at all. So, I would advise an unmarried woman who wants a child to adopt one who would never have even one parent, rather than to bring another child into the world who would live without a dad even for a short time.

Edited by LivingWaterPlease
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todreaminblue
I was a single mom once I divorced but I gave birth to my children while married and while not knowing I would ever divorce.

 

Life for my children with a father in the home was totally different than life for my children without a father in the home was. My children sorely missed having a father living in our home, though they did have visitation with their father for a few years after the divorce.

 

To me, part of being the best mom (which is what I wanted for my children) is to put the child's best interests above one's own desires. With that in mind I'd advise you not to give birth to a child, despite your own desire to do so, until you can provide the child with a father who lives with him/her. From what I've experienced with my own children, and from what I've seen in other families, children do best with both a mom and dad living in the home.

 

However, I do realize there are many children who are already born who may never have either a mom or a dad and that for a single mom or dad to adopt one of them would be better for the child than having no parent at all. So, I would advise an unmarried woman who wants a child to adopt one who would never have even one parent, rather than to bring another child into the world who would live without a dad even for a short time.

 

all my waffling and this was what you wrote said everything so right and true in many less words......

 

To me, part of being the best mom (which is what I wanted for my children) is to put the child's best interests above one's own desires. With that in mind I'd advise you not to give birth to a child, despite your own desire to do so, until you can provide the child with a father who lives with him/her. From what I've experienced with my own children, and from what I've seen in other families, children do best with both a mom and dad living in the home
..

 

deb

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LivingWaterPlease
all my waffling and this was what you wrote said everything so right and true in many less words......

 

..

 

deb

 

Imo, your post has much wisdom in it, deb! :)

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