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Should I have a baby on my own?


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Old 18th January 2018, 11:28 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by GorillaTheater View Post
CO, funny you should mention that. I was just contacted by a second cousin who's active on that site and who was contacted by a woman who believes my cousin is fairly closely related to her son, who was an IVF child. We'll see what happens.
that's pretty cool GT
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Old 18th January 2018, 2:46 PM   #17
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My heart is totally open to adoption, but I'm not gonna lie, I'd be a bit heartbroken if I didn't have at least one of my own, mostly because I would love to get pregnant and go through the process of pregnancy.
How about fostering a child now just to make sure you're truly ready for parenthood? You'd be doing an incredible service and also learning to bridge the gap between parenting as a concept and the (sometimes difficult) reality...

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Old 18th January 2018, 3:23 PM   #18
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Can you afford one? Do you have babysitting backup? Because obviously, you'll need to work, so you need enough money and enough babysitting support, such as relatives, who in my day, felt no obligation to do that for their kids having already done their time. I mean, even though not all husbands are always willing to look after the kids, you can usually guilt one into watching them long enough to go to the store. You have to think about how hard daily life is when you have to drag the child everywhere with you. It's no small chore and your nerves will be frazzled, your back sore, and everything else.

In the alternative, if it were me, I could see having a child without a husband, but I couldn't see having one without having some support. Like willing relatives are a must, but then also, I'd seek a living situation with another single parent so you two could trade off sometimes. Even that is a lot of stress because obviously not everyone wants to do what you want when you want, but it's a backup.
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Old 18th January 2018, 3:32 PM   #19
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I guess to me it would depend on your reason for considering option 2 over option 1. If the reason is concern over pregnancy or motherhood later in life, then getting a sperm donor now would be your best bet, assuming you have all your finances in place to take care of the child by yourself if you got pregnant tomorrow.

If, on the other hand, the reason is solely finances, freezing your eggs is actually the more prudent route IMO. Egg freezing is expensive but it will not even come close to the cost of raising a child. Especially as a single parent, as you will need to make more career sacrifices due to not having anyone to rely on to take care of the child, so the opportunity cost of that needs to be factored in as well.

I don't think option 3 is a good one for you considering that this is such a big need in your life.
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Old 4th February 2018, 4:55 PM   #20
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I'm around your age with the same issues and think about this often. One thing I'd recommend is doing more research into egg freezing. It's not as guaranteed as the news headlines about it would have you think -- it takes several rounds of essentially doing ivf for a few months to get enough eggs for a high success % (and you pay for each round). I'm leaning towards sperm donor eventually because it just seems a lot less invasive and I'm a person who has a very rough time feeling sick from my normal cycle as it is.

I've also read some studies that the combined age of the egg/sperm is more important than the age of the woman. So a late 30s egg plus 20-something sperm is more likely to still be ok versus 40-something+ sperm. If that research is sound, it makes me feel a tiny bit less pressure if I wait a couple years longer to go the sperm donor route.

Good luck... it's not really a fun mind space to be in, so let me know if you've thought of a way to handle it that makes it less stressful when thinking about dating and planning day to day!
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Old 4th February 2018, 9:43 PM   #21
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Yes, do it, but only if you have the financial means to take care of the child.
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Old 4th February 2018, 10:25 PM   #22
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everybody on here has basically said go for it........i don't agree...with being a single mum there's a whole stigmata thing going on......you not only have to worry about yourself but your child as well as far as dating another goes....its a risk you take....there's the fact that you might meet someone and have a child and that person you are now with may feel differently about your first born....being a single mum isnt easy and having a child is a wonderful experience...but....it doesn't feel so wonderful when you are operating on no sleep .....like a robot....and walk out of your house with toilet paper hanging from the back of your dress and fresh vomit on your clothes because you dont have time to change...

its when your child grows into a teen maybe hangs around the wrong crowd and you are at home facing the fact you dont know where your child is ...its too late to ring people up to talk about it its 3 am in the morning and you are sitting there alone contemplating who shot them up in the hand with heroin this time..so they could have sex with them.. you just sit by the phone scared to leave when all you really want to do is be out there looking....this is where a dad could be......

its if you have a girl and the bfs start coming around see no dad in the picture and then start to treat your daughter like utter ****e and it doesnt matter ho many times you try to build your daughter up ...what those particular bfs need is a mans hand and understanding to put them in their place or boot them for all time..............or its the angelic with you bf you have that you dont know, have no idea at all, when you leave him alone with your child he relentlessly torments them until they cry the child is too young to explain..

there will be so many times...many times....i should put another many times here...


that you will not know what you are doing where you feel insecure about your parenting where you feel like an utter failure...you just keep trying.....and trying and trying ...your hair falls out..people point out hey your moulting.your immunity goes down trying to cope ...your body is suffering ...your heart is broken......you don't want to go anywhere you feel ashamed unable to cope and alone.....you reach for someone to give you some support ......you don't want to talk to family they give you the same advice....you just want someone to listen to you crying.......friends dont want to hear it.....so you plaster on a smile while saying yeah im good theres a light at the end of the tunnel...and all you want to do ...is go to sleep and dream of a happy place....but you cant....because you have to keep going,..you have to keep trying...they are your child....you are responsible for them.....you are committed for life and there is no break....you are a parent for life.....

NOW
none of this might happen to you your child may never have to go through or do the things that i have written...who knows.....all i know is that i would never intentionally say to anyone to become a single mum...theresa lot of good and single mothers who havent had problems like the ones i have said...btu there are some horror stories out there...i think you have to see both sides....and even though my reply is negative in nature i do it in the spirit of showing you another side for you to think about and that is truth


when i was with my ex i said one day to him prophetically...i said please please dont make me a single mum...stay true to me..i am a single mum of five....

because i have always been there for single mums ....always...most of my best friends have been single mums....i have heard some horrible things i wont even write....most of what i have written above ...is from personal experience.....

wait ..........just a while longer before you make a decision about being a single mum......go to single mum groups and activities.....listen closely....get an idea of what you could possibly face......and then decide.... you do have time......to share parenting as it should be shared ...i am not saying at all i dont have support ...i have both fathers of my children in my life and theirs...not that my kids really take notice of them ....due to the fact they both checked out really on their responsibilities....

i have family and i have friends ...but when it gets tough.....you feel the weight ....and the oneness of being a sole parent..........


i didnt have a choice i am a single mum because i had these babies i will go down with the ship.....sink or swim...im here....

......you do have a choice...choose the right life for you.....for you and your future babies....because there might be more than one..........deb
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Last edited by todreaminblue; 4th February 2018 at 10:55 PM..
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Old 5th February 2018, 2:20 AM   #23
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I was a single mom once I divorced but I gave birth to my children while married and while not knowing I would ever divorce.

Life for my children with a father in the home was totally different than life for my children without a father in the home was. My children sorely missed having a father living in our home, though they did have visitation with their father for a few years after the divorce.

To me, part of being the best mom (which is what I wanted for my children) is to put the child's best interests above one's own desires. With that in mind I'd advise you not to give birth to a child, despite your own desire to do so, until you can provide the child with a father who lives with him/her. From what I've experienced with my own children, and from what I've seen in other families, children do best with both a mom and dad living in the home.

However, I do realize there are many children who are already born who may never have either a mom or a dad and that for a single mom or dad to adopt one of them would be better for the child than having no parent at all. So, I would advise an unmarried woman who wants a child to adopt one who would never have even one parent, rather than to bring another child into the world who would live without a dad even for a short time.

Last edited by LivingWaterPlease; 5th February 2018 at 2:43 AM..
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Old 5th February 2018, 3:07 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by LivingWaterPlease View Post
I was a single mom once I divorced but I gave birth to my children while married and while not knowing I would ever divorce.

Life for my children with a father in the home was totally different than life for my children without a father in the home was. My children sorely missed having a father living in our home, though they did have visitation with their father for a few years after the divorce.

To me, part of being the best mom (which is what I wanted for my children) is to put the child's best interests above one's own desires. With that in mind I'd advise you not to give birth to a child, despite your own desire to do so, until you can provide the child with a father who lives with him/her. From what I've experienced with my own children, and from what I've seen in other families, children do best with both a mom and dad living in the home.

However, I do realize there are many children who are already born who may never have either a mom or a dad and that for a single mom or dad to adopt one of them would be better for the child than having no parent at all. So, I would advise an unmarried woman who wants a child to adopt one who would never have even one parent, rather than to bring another child into the world who would live without a dad even for a short time.
all my waffling and this was what you wrote said everything so right and true in many less words......

Quote:
To me, part of being the best mom (which is what I wanted for my children) is to put the child's best interests above one's own desires. With that in mind I'd advise you not to give birth to a child, despite your own desire to do so, until you can provide the child with a father who lives with him/her. From what I've experienced with my own children, and from what I've seen in other families, children do best with both a mom and dad living in the home
..

deb
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Old 5th February 2018, 3:25 AM   #25
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all my waffling and this was what you wrote said everything so right and true in many less words......

..

deb
Imo, your post has much wisdom in it, deb!
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Old 5th February 2018, 4:50 AM   #26
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Imo, your post has much wisdom in it, deb!
thanks living water when i get passionate about something though i waffle...:0) i also tend to go crazy with ellipses and it gets bigger and bigger

i love your post for the heartfelt honesty you share and the truth so thoughtfully written.....deb
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Old 5th February 2018, 6:04 AM   #27
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I don't know, I know several married moms who have a bunch of problems with their child(ren) and the father is in the house. Having a father in the house does not guarantee that anything is going to be better. And in my case, our separation definitely made my children's father a better dad. And had I stayed, it would have been a terrible model of a relationship for my children to absorb into their psyche. By staying I would have been perpetuating and encouraging my children to be in a bad relationship. And he was more helpful with the children once we were separated, rather than when we were together. This is because he had to help out more because I wasn't around to do all the work when he saw the kids on his own. And the threat of the courts certainly helped scare him into doing more of his fatherly duties.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying single motherhood is better than married motherhood. It's always best that children have two parents in the home, but only if the parents relationship is HEALTHY AND GOOD. If it's shyt, then it makes no difference if you're a single mom. It's only worth it if the dad is going to be a good dad in the home with you.

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Old 5th February 2018, 6:11 AM   #28
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I do agree with Livingwater to adopt if you can though. Speaking as someone who was adopted and wouldn't have had the lovely life that I did if I were not adopted, it is greatly appreciated!
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Old 5th February 2018, 9:10 AM   #29
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I don't know, I know several married moms who have a bunch of problems with their child(ren) and the father is in the house. Having a father in the house does not guarantee that anything is going to be better. And in my case, our separation definitely made my children's father a better dad. And had I stayed, it would have been a terrible model of a relationship for my children to absorb into their psyche. By staying I would have been perpetuating and encouraging my children to be in a bad relationship. And he was more helpful with the children once we were separated, rather than when we were together. This is because he had to help out more because I wasn't around to do all the work when he saw the kids on his own. And the threat of the courts certainly helped scare him into doing more of his fatherly duties.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying single motherhood is better than married motherhood. It's always best that children have two parents in the home, but only if the parents relationship is HEALTHY AND GOOD. If it's shyt, then it makes no difference if you're a single mom. It's only worth it if the dad is going to be a good dad in the home with you.
Agree that there are situations where it's best to separate/divorce! And even with a mom and dad in the home sometimes the kids end up having problems. Rearing children is not easy and they have their own free will about choices they may make, that's for sure!
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Old 7th February 2018, 6:37 AM   #30
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Originally Posted by Nothingtolose View Post
I'm a woman, 33

My entire life I have wanted to be a mother.



Option 2: Not freezing, and having a kid in a couple of years through sperm donation. My best guy friend even offered this option to me 10 years ago, and said the other day the offer still stands - he would give me a baby if it means that much to me. I could take his offer, or just get a donation from a stranger, I suppose. This would save me the 10K I'd have to spend on egg freezing.
to me, there's the answer. get with your bff and ask him to make good on his promise. figure out if he's going to co-parent and if you're going to tell the child he's the father. what role will his extended family have in the child's life? after that, i say, go for it!!

sure, it's going to be hard. you're going to need a lot of stamina and some kind, trusty day care.

be sure and get the maternal alpha feta protein test and take care of your skin so you don't get any stretch marks.

remember, children do grow up and need you less and less but your looking at about three solid years of drudgery. like someone said, you will have to pack up the baby, dressed for the weather and strap them in the car with you and then unstrap them and take them in where ever you go, every single time. you cannot leave them in the bath or in the car alone, ever. it's a lot. i started taking mine in the bath with me, so much easier and their are loads of "work-arounds" you'll discover as time goes by.

the first thing you learn is how sweet smelling a baby is!! and how much they love and adore you, unconditionally.

my sister had her first out of wedlock(ya, get used to the term) after she and her long term bf had a knock down over him humping their neighbor. turns out she was about 48 hours preggers when she packed up and left him.

her son was five when she met her now husband and everyone gets along great, they had another boy and the two brothers adore each other.

i say, go for it. you'll never regret it. they do grow up and need you less, they will go to school eventually, make friends and have sleep overs, giving you time to change clothes and shave your legs, but, i'm not gonna LIE, the first few weeks of learning how to breast feed while my husband snored on(HE had to SLEEP, he informed me, "someone's gotta work") all the laundry and dishes, visitors and my meddling MIL, it's hard. and i didn't even work the first year.

look around for someone that you trust to love and mind your baby. find a good ob/gyn and a pediatrician that's open on Saturday.

my oldest didn't go to daycare/mommies morning out until i was sure she could talk enough to tell me what was going on there. plus, now days they have cameras so you can monitor the employees.

it's the hardest job you're ever going to do and you'll be amazed, one day at a time, just how rewarding it is to have someone in your life, that loves you to the moon, forever..

good luck
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