LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Familial > Parenting

Should I have a baby on my own?


Parenting Discuss tips, concerns, and all the mayhem involved in raising kids.

Like Tree35Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 30th November 2017, 5:24 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 169
Should I have a baby on my own?

I'm posting in the Parenting section, as I'd like to get opinions from people who are already parents. I'm a woman, 33, and recently got out of a 3 year relationship that had turned toxic and wasn't the right one for me.

My entire life I have wanted to be a mother. I wanted to be a mom in my mid-late twenties, but I ended a 6 year relationship at 24 and had a couple of shorter, unsuccessful relationships from 25 to 30, at which point I started dating my most recent ex. I did not expect life to turn out this way - if you'd asked me 10 years ago, I would have pictured my life at 33 married with 2 or 3 beautiful kids. Although I love to travel I'm not big into partying or lots of drinking or sleeping around etc, I love nights in, cooking, "family life" so to speak. It breaks my heart that so many of my friends now have this, and I don't, due to poor choices in men I made over the years.

Well, it is what it is. I can only look forward now, not backwards. I'd like to meet the love of my life and future father of my children, but I don't want to settle for the wrong person just to have kids, and am also aware I have just a few years of fertility left. I have a few options:

Option 1: Freezing my eggs before I turn 35, and waiting to meet this person (which may or may not happen), as this would give me a bit of extra time.

Option 2: Not freezing, and having a kid in a couple of years through sperm donation. My best guy friend even offered this option to me 10 years ago, and said the other day the offer still stands - he would give me a baby if it means that much to me. I could take his offer, or just get a donation from a stranger, I suppose. This would save me the 10K I'd have to spend on egg freezing.

Option 3: Wait to meet the right person, not do anything, and if I miss my fertility window, I could adopt. However, I heard adoption gets much harder past the age of 35, and they often turn people down when it's a single parent applying. My heart is totally open to adoption, but I'm not gonna lie, I'd be a bit heartbroken if I didn't have at least one of my own, mostly because I would love to get pregnant and go through the process of pregnancy.

I think about this subject on a very regular basis. I don't want to let it take over my life, or make me feel like I need to rush into a new relationship just so i don't miss my "window". This really sucks. I hate going on dates and having to jump through hoops to find out if the guy wants kids or not, because if he doesn't, I shouldn't waste my time. I think I need to make a decision that I'm going to have a baby with or without a man, to take this pressure off my life.

Are there single moms on here? What are your thoughts on me making the decision of doing this on my own?
Nothingtolose is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st December 2017, 2:12 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,106
Quote:
I think I need to make a decision that I'm going to have a baby with or without a man, to take this pressure off my life.
Yes, you should take this pressure off of your life. You don't need to make a final decision at this point, though. Freeze your eggs, if you have the means. Don't look at it as, "If I end up finding a man who wants a kid with me then it will have been a waste of money." It's not a waste of money. It's an investment, in a way. You'll have eggs stored just in case you ever need them.

I know that you're probably thinking that time is ticking, at age 33, to have a baby soon. But you are still very young. You have some time.

And if you do end up at an age where you are unable to carry a pregnancy, you can use a surrogate since you made a wise decision at 33 years old to freeze those eggs.

I fail to see any downsides to storing eggs, except for the cost.
CC12 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st December 2017, 7:02 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 14,821
If you are financially able to afford a child I say go for it. It depends on how old you want to be when you become a mother. Go ahead and live your dream as the right man may never come.
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st December 2017, 7:54 AM   #4
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 4,165
Go with option A and only do Option B once you are 40 and financially sound. I have three friends who did this over age 40, but all 3 are very financially stable on their own. All super happy with their little families, too. One of them just had a second baby with the same donor (she was 44 when the baby was born).
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st December 2017, 9:37 AM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 1,659
Fertility decreases around age 35. Fertility decreases again around age 40. The risks miscarriage, of birth defects, of maternal-fetal complications during the pregnancy and birth, also rise at 35 and again at 40. Personally, I wouldn't want to risk waiting too much longer, if I were you. Sure, some women have a successful pregnancy and deliver a healthy child later in life. Some don't. If you're financially sound and want to be a mother, I say go for it.
__________________
I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass through me. Where the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain." - Litany Against Fear
MJJean is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2017, 2:16 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 552
You know, all three of those sound like great options. I would probably do the combination - freeze eggs and give yourself some more time, try and collect some information on adoption and whether you would qualify and in a few years, if you're still single, try sperm donation. That way you have everything covered and no pressure of putting everything on just one option.

I think you're still young and you have so many options, you don't have to choose one. It's great you're taking control of your own future and life.

Just FYI, I'm a single mother. Even though it happened the "traditional" way, I knew from the time I got pregnant that I would be a single mother if I continue the pregnancy and that's what I chose. I never once regretted it. I love being a mom and (this might be unpopular) but I love being a single mom and having just our own little family and that bond between us. Yes, some things are harder but it all depends on what kind of a person you are - I'm a very independent person so it never bothered e to not have a partner in parenting.
noelle303 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th December 2017, 5:40 PM   #7
Established Member
 
misspalmy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 216
could away be a egg donor. if your not ready
misspalmy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th January 2018, 12:31 AM   #8
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 36
I can completely understand why this is stressing you out, but I really do believe that you have time still. I am 35 with no children of my own, in a relationship for 16 months. I started dating my bf when I was 33 (almost 34). And we are in a situation where we are talking about having kids and moving in that direction. So a lot can still change for you. Think about what a different place your life was in 4 years ago. Fast forward 4 years from now and so much can change for you again.

My hard cut off for having children is 39/40. eg. getting pregnant age 39 and giving birth at 40. But I really would not want to go any later. My mum had my brother at age 42 and there were complications (although in the end everything was fine, it was a tougher pregnancy).

My half sister actually used a sperm donor and had a child, and she is a single parent. At times I wondered if I might do the same thing, when I was single around your age. But I'm SO glad I did not. I think my half-sister's situation is a little weird TBH. I also think you should make sure you watch the documentary Donor 150 before you go down that route....

Another option or thing to think about -- my bf has two children from a first marriage (age 8 and 6). Touch wood so far it's been an amazing experience.

I hope this helps.
georgiagirlie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th January 2018, 12:43 AM   #9
Established Member
 
amaysngrace's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Jersey Shore
Posts: 23,772
I'm a single mom and pretty much was even when I was married. But before I got married I had a baby by myself. I got married when my oldest was four then had two more. Then I got divorced when the two youngest were still in primary school. First and second grade.

I say go for it. It's twice the work but also twice the love, respect and admiration. I am so thankful for my children. I wouldn't change my life choices for anything!
amaysngrace is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th January 2018, 1:10 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 11,312
I would take full control of my life and go the sperm donor route. That way, you can still meet someone later and have another child with him.

Freezing eggs still leaves it up to "fate" to meet the right man. It is also very expensive, the freezing itself, the years of storage etc.
__________________
Sometimes there is no lesson. Thatís a lesson in itself.
Eternal Sunshine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th January 2018, 10:56 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,539
I'm exactly your age and thinking to go with Option 1. If I don't meet anyone - so what? I can still do IVF with donor sperm later. Or even use a surrogate later. Basically it stops the bio-clock, which is great.

Btw freezing is expensive but NOTHING even close to the expenses for having a kid So if the cost is prohibitive, think twice if you want to be a single mom.
No_Go is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th January 2018, 11:06 AM   #12
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 4,165
Quote:
Originally Posted by No_Go View Post
Btw freezing is expensive but NOTHING even close to the expenses for having a kid So if the cost is prohibitive, think twice if you want to be a single mom.
Hmmm, good point, NoGo!
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th January 2018, 11:18 AM   #13
Established Member
 
GorillaTheater's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 9,650
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
Go with option A and only do Option B once you are 40 and financially sound. I have three friends who did this over age 40, but all 3 are very financially stable on their own. All super happy with their little families, too. One of them just had a second baby with the same donor (she was 44 when the baby was born).
Quote:
Originally Posted by georgiagirlie View Post
My half sister actually used a sperm donor and had a child, and she is a single parent. At times I wondered if I might do the same thing, when I was single around your age. But I'm SO glad I did not. I think my half-sister's situation is a little weird TBH. I also think you should make sure you watch the documentary Donor 150 before you go down that route....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eternal Sunshine View Post
I would take full control of my life and go the sperm donor route.
Quote:
Originally Posted by No_Go View Post
I'm exactly your age and thinking to go with Option 1. If I don't meet anyone - so what? I can still do IVF with donor sperm later.

I was a semen donor in grad school. Let that sink in a moment.
GorillaTheater is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th January 2018, 11:20 AM   #14
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 4,165
Quote:
Originally Posted by GorillaTheater View Post
I was a semen donor in grad school. Let that sink in a moment.
Wonder how many baby gorillas are out there!! You should register for Ancestry DNA and see if you can meet some of them .
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th January 2018, 11:25 AM   #15
Established Member
 
GorillaTheater's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 9,650
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
Wonder how many baby gorillas are out there!! You should register for Ancestry DNA and see if you can meet some of them .

OP, please pardon the threadjack.


CO, funny you should mention that. I was just contacted by a second cousin who's active on that site and who was contacted by a woman who believes my cousin is fairly closely related to her son, who was an IVF child. We'll see what happens.
GorillaTheater is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:27 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.