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How to do Christmas? Recently separated


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Here are the cliff notes:

 

-Recently separated after 16 year relationship

-Cheated on my wife with new g/f of 6 month/Came clean after the 1st date

-Moved out and in the process of divorce

-New g/f is 16 years younger than I am

 

 

-STBXW wants me to come over X-Mas morning to watch our 9 year old son open presents but new g/f says HELL NO!!!! Our separation agreement has me having him X-Mas Eve and her having him for X-Mas with the option of me going over every X-Mas morning for presents. I can't imagine not opening presents with my son on X-Mas morning but I also don't want to lose my g/f over it. Is there a way I can convince my new g/f this is what parents do without making her more upset?

 

What do other divorced parents do? My brother is recently divorced and he goes to his ex wife's house every X-Mas and his new g/f (3 year relationship) is perfectly fine with it. They also snuck around for a year and a half so things were a lot different.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Here are the cliff notes:

 

-Recently separated after 16 year relationship

-Cheated on my wife with new g/f of 6 month/Came clean after the 1st date

-Moved out and in the process of divorce

-New g/f is 16 years younger than I am

 

 

-STBXW wants me to come over X-Mas morning to watch our 9 year old son open presents but new g/f says HELL NO!!!! Our separation agreement has me having him X-Mas Eve and her having him for X-Mas with the option of me going over every X-Mas morning for presents. I can't imagine not opening presents with my son on X-Mas morning but I also don't want to lose my g/f over it. Is there a way I can convince my new g/f this is what parents do without making her more upset?

 

What do other divorced parents do? My brother is recently divorced and he goes to his ex wife's house every X-Mas and his new g/f (3 year relationship) is perfectly fine with it. They also snuck around for a year and a half so things were a lot different.

 

My ex and I never handled things this way, although he probably would have. I just had too much resentment and anger toward him.....I never wanted to share physical space with him! Still don't. I avoid it at all costs.

 

However, lots of families do it this way. I have a friend going through a divorce (no infidelity) and she has a boyfriend who is fine with the fact that her STBX will be at her house Christmas morning to see his children open gifts. It will be their first Christmas separated, too.

 

For you it's a touchy subject since you still have feelings for your STBX and your GF has expressed her displeasure at you talking "unnecessarily" to her.

 

Ultimately, your CHILD is the most important person in this equation. Not you, not your wife, not your girlfriend. What is best for the child?

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People I know who are divorced with kids:

 

Father on Christmas Eve - celebrates with kids and let's them open presents

he bought.

 

Mother on Christmas Day - celebrates with kids and let's them open presents

she bought.

 

The kids seem to love it because they get 2 Christmases. There is no reason to go over to your EX wife's house to watch your son open his presents that she has bought for him.

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I think you should question why you are dating someone who doesn't want you to see your kids on Christmas day. Children first. Always.

 

If you want to persuade her, explain that you have no interest in your ex-wife, that this is about your children, and that they are very important to you and she should understand that. Tell her you'll be back in the afternoon (or whenever you'll be back) to spend time with her.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I think you should question why you are dating someone who doesn't want you to see your kids on Christmas day. Children first. Always.

 

If you want to persuade her, explain that you have no interest in your ex-wife, that this is about your children, and that they are very important to you and she should understand that. Tell her you'll be back in the afternoon (or whenever you'll be back) to spend time with her.

 

Except with him, this is not the case. He's having second thoughts.

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What's the point of trying to fake happy in-tact family on Christmas morning? Does your child not know you are apart? As much as it pains you, it may be best to get your child used to the new normal.

 

This isn't about what your EX-W wants or what your GF wants. It has to be only about what is best for your child.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
What's the point of trying to fake happy in-tact family on Christmas morning? Does your child not know you are apart? As much as it pains you, it may be best to get your child used to the new normal.

 

This isn't about what your EX-W wants or what your GF wants. It has to be only about what is best for your child.

 

It doesn't have to be faking or even implying the family is in-tact. I could personally never do it, but a lot of divorced families still do holidays together. Actually, the day my father died, we all "did" Christmas together even though my parents had been separated for five years.

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I have my daughter on Christmas Eve and Christmas day and then in the afternoon I take her to her dad's house where she stays for a couple of days.

 

Me and my ex do not have the relationship where we can simply hang around the house together opening presents with her, but if you and your ex do then I would encourage it. Your child would probably like it as well and you wouldn't have to miss out on these moments.

 

Your girlfriend should understand that this is more important than her insecurities.

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As the ex OW she already has a "relationship" with the wife, this is the woman she managed to "get rid of" to win the OP.

The wife is thus "the enemy", her main opponent and major competitor, and I guess the son is not much better actually in her eyes.

They are "the past" and she doesn't want the OP going back there as that excludes her and makes her "win" then ring a bit hollow... she is left alone on Xmas Day, whilst he plays happy families...

 

The last thing she will want is for the OP to spend any jolly, festive time with his wife and son.

As she said, and she no doubt sincerely meant "HELL, NO!!!!"

 

This is not some mother who understands the dynamics of parenting, this is a 24yo single women, who understands the dynamics of dating single guys.

Single guys are not supposed to spend Xmas Day socialising with their ex, FULL STOP.

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Except with him, this is not the case. He's having second thoughts.

 

Are you getting that from another thread? Because this one says things like, "Moved out and in the process of divorce", and "don't want to lose my g/f over it".

 

OP, if you're having second thoughts you should put that in this thread so that we have an accurate picture of what's going on.

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As the ex OW she already has a "relationship" with the wife, this is the woman she managed to "get rid of" to win the OP.

The wife is thus "the enemy", her main opponent and major competitor, and I guess the son is not much better actually in her eyes.

They are "the past" and she doesn't want the OP going back there as that excludes her and makes her "win" then ring a bit hollow... she is left alone on Xmas Day, whilst he plays happy families...

 

The last thing she will want is for the OP to spend any jolly, festive time with his wife and son.

As she said, and she no doubt sincerely meant "HELL, NO!!!!"

 

This is not some mother who understands the dynamics of parenting, this is a 24yo single women, who understands the dynamics of dating single guys.

Single guys are not supposed to spend Xmas Day socialising with their ex, FULL STOP.

 

That may very well explain things from her point of view (although IMO it is an unreasonable position to take when there are children involved). But this still needs to be about a father seeing his child on Christmas day. Everything else is just irrelevant. Children first.

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Are you getting that from another thread? Because this one says things like, "Moved out and in the process of divorce", and "don't want to lose my g/f over it".

 

OP, if you're having second thoughts you should put that in this thread so that we have an accurate picture of what's going on.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/642848-crying-over-my-ex-why

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That may very well explain things from her point of view (although IMO it is an unreasonable position to take when there are children involved). But this still needs to be about a father seeing his child on Christmas day. Everything else is just irrelevant. Children first.

 

Of course it is unreasonable from the point of view of the poor child, but she has made it perfectly clear she wants contact with the wife to be minimal.

So not a huge surprise to find she doesn't want him at his wife's place on Xmas day.

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Of course it is unreasonable from the point of view of the poor child, but she has made it perfectly clear she wants contact with the wife to be minimal.

So not a huge surprise to find she doesn't want him at his wife's place on Xmas day.

 

We're not surprised. The question is who should he be with on Xmas morning? I'd pick the kid as he should be the priority and he's who the OP wants to be with.

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I think W2D's girlfriend is way in over her head. She is just too immature and inexperienced to understand the downsides of dating a parent. W2D's girlfriend was also naive enough to get involved with a married man and then expect him to put her above his child. To a single and childless woman of any age, a man with children has baggage that can make a relationship very complicated. One reason why second and third marriages rarely succeed is blended family issues.

 

FWIW, I dated a single dad when I was 22. He was much older than I was and I eventually left him because he didn't have time for a relationship. His son came first which meant several cancelled dates and weekends together. The final straw was when I spent that NYE by myself. I was done. Another single dad I dated a few years later stopped seeing me because his children felt that I was too young for him. We both liked each other and got along well but his children's opinion came first. Those two experiences taught me to stay away from men with children.

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UpwardForward

1st Christmas (following month of separation), he came to the house Christmas morning. And yes, I'm guessing insecure OW was not happy about it.

 

10 years more of holidays. Our sons were to spend Easter/Thanksgiving/Christmas (and all other Demands) on the fwys. (they were of driving age).

 

After the 10 yr period, he died. Holidays became simpler.

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I can't imagine not opening presents with my son on X-Mas morning....

 

 

Ask your child what he wants and then do that.

 

Girlfriend needs to know early on that the child comes first.

 

This is a tough time for your child, remember that.

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What's the point of trying to fake happy in-tact family on Christmas morning? Does your child not know you are apart? As much as it pains you, it may be best to get your child used to the new normal.

 

This isn't about what your EX-W wants or what your GF wants. It has to be only about what is best for your child.

 

Cut the cord brother and think of the kids. Holidays are especially tough for everyone.

 

My ex and I split the day: one has them in the morning, one has them in the afternoon and for the night. We tend to go with whoever has the best deal for the kids i.e. If I'm not having a big family get together and she is - they go there for the evening. What ever is best for the kids.

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What do other divorced parents do? My brother is recently divorced and he goes to his ex wife's house every X-Mas and his new g/f (3 year relationship) is perfectly fine with it. They also snuck around for a year and a half so things were a lot different.

 

For me, divorce meant that my exH and I were no longer legally, socially, or spiritually a family. Holidays, birthdays, etc. were done separately.

 

Thinking on it, I don't know any other divorced people who spend holidays with their ex's with the exception of my sister and her husband. Long story short, my sister and her husband have full custody of his two daughters from a previous relationship. They also have full custody of my sisters three children from a previous relationship. They have one child together. If you're doing the math, they are raising six kids and it's much easier for them to host events at their house. For a couple years, my sister would invite her husband's ex for the girls birthday parties, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Drama ensued and they stopped.

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GunslingerRoland

I would consider your brother's situation far outside of the norm. There is no reason for you to be going over and spending time with your x-wife on Christmas.

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It's very important for children, having both parents on Christmas. I know it from my life. Don't let down your son. Your girlfriend should accept it.

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I would consider your brother's situation far outside of the norm. There is no reason for you to be going over and spending time with your x-wife on Christmas.

 

There is an extremely good reason. His son. Did you miss that part?

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There is an extremely good reason. His son. Did you miss that part?

 

Nope, I don't think anyone missed that part. His son can have a wonderful holiday with his mother at her home and then with his father at his home. There is absolutely no need for them to spend any of the holiday together for it to be enjoyable for the child.

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I have my son the weekend before Christmas so I have him Friday, Saturday, and Sunday (X-Mas Eve) I've decided not to go to my STBXW's house X-Mas morning. I will do Christmas with my son on X-Mas eve and X-mas with my G/F.

 

I spoke with my son about this and he is fine with it. We can't pretend to still be a family when we're not. It just further complicates things for everyone. My g/f's biggest issue with our relationship is she is afraid she will never come first. She is right with regards that my son will always be first no matter what but I need to be able to split my time fairly so that everyone is happy.

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