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Feeling lonely with Parenting & Relationship


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So lately I haven't had anyone to talk to, I haven't posted on this forum since last year but my life has gotten a little crazy since then. My last post my fiancé didn't have a job & we were staying with family & he wasn't really helping out with our kid while I was pregnant. Well since then he's got a great job that has him working everyday 14+ hours, & we have our own place & we have 1 vehicle. That vehicle is 2 seater single cab truck (so the kiddos don't ride in it). Anyways, I'm just gonna get to the point, I'm super unhappy & have been for a while. My fiancé & I have been together for 4 1/2 years & we now have 2 children together. Since he's got this job he's been working crazy amount of hours, he leave before the kids wake up & most days don't get home until they are in bed. (I try to keep them awake for him but at that point I'm exhausted & want my own time). When he's home he doesn't do much with the boys at all, his off days mostly consist of him relaxing all day, taking naps & watching tv, while I still cook/clean & take care of the kids. I am a stay at home mom, I had a job at McDonald's but I was working the night shift & only did that for 5 months, now I stay back at home with the kids because his job interfered with mine & I had to quit. (I use to work as a CNA but had to quit that after our first son, & had to turn down a lot of jobs because no one is able to watch the kids) I get no help from his parents or mine, I don't have any friends at all, I don't have a vehicle to take me or the kids out & I just feel like he doesn't care that I don't get a break. He gets to work, he gets money, he gets out of the house & gets to relax when he's home. I'm honestly physically & mentally drained, like we use to fight a lot & now I just don't even care about fighting or anything.. when he brings something up or tries to fight I ignore him or go outside because like I said I'm exhausted I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I have let myself go, I use to be super skinny but since having 2 kids & being depressed & sitting at home day in & day out I just don't care. I just feel like my life is completely on hold, I've brought it up to him, have been for a year now & all he says is "it will get better" "it won't be like this forever" "blah blah blah blah blah". Like we literally don't do anything, I said before when he's off he relaxes around the house while I do all the work, & then when he works I still do all the work because I'm the only one home. I want to go to school, I want to go out with friends, I want to go out on dates with him, I want to be able to go to work, & out for the day & take my kids out, they stay cooped up in the house with me because we don't have a vehicle to take them anywhere! We have his work truck & I told him not to buy it because we've put so much money into it, I put basically every paycheck I got from McDonald's into it & barely drove it! I feel like he wants nothing to do with me unless it's sex. We don't cuddle on the couch & watch TV, we don't hold hands or just love on each other. We were in different rooms today & he just comes in sits next to me & starts grabbing on me & trying to play with me, obviously I'm not in the mood. Like he hasn't said barely anything to me all day & then wants to come in & grope on me, like really? So I was just like "I'm not on the mood" & he went back in the bedroom to watch tv.... :/ Like I'm really starting to resent him & ive told him that before, as mean as it sounds because I feel like he doesn't care. He gets to move on in his career & have money, I stay at home, I don't get an allowance lol as stupid as that sounds, I get nothing, literally nothing. I love my children & would never regret them but I really wish I had more help, I didn't expect my life to be like this when we BOTH AGREED TO HAVE KIDS, not just me. I guess the advice I'm trying to ask is what would someone do in my situation? Like I want to leave & maybe be a single mom, like I already feel like a single mother & I would be better & happier at it because I would get out & to work & to do things for myself & be able to provide for my kids. I'm just so lost... since being a mom I've lost myself & im so insecure & scared all the time & just depressed.

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GunslingerRoland

If he has this great job and works 70 hours a week at it, how come you can't afford a second vehicle, or by the sounds of it basically anything beyond the essentials?

 

Personally I think you are looking at the working/child care thing wrong. Most people don't have a relative to watch their kids while they are working. You pay for child care. But if you would be working at McDonalds, you probably wouldn't make enough to cover the child care.

 

I think the bottom line is, that you and your husband made a bad decision having kids, when you clearly weren't financially ready for that choice. I think you need to try to find a way to do some sort of schooling and get some skills that'll help you get a better job. I don't know a lot about CNA salaries but I just googled it, and it looks like slightly more than minimum wage. That doesn't cut it in 2017. Not with a family.

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When you have kids, they are your number one priority. Your husband now works a lot of hours, to provide you a roof over your head and food for you and the kids. You act like he's going to work and having a party.

 

I know you are frustrated, but you need to work it out. You can't expect a lot of help from your fiance, he's working a lot. You want to be a single mom? How exactly will that be better? You'll have to go to work, pay for child care, and STILL do everything you are doing now at home, cleaning, feeding the kids, taking them to child care, with no one around to help.

 

Your boyfriend might be more willing to help and take the kids out, if you were a little more appreciative of him when he comes home. Just a hint...a little sex goes a long way.

 

I dont think you realize what you are saying. You havent lost yourself, you are a MOM to those kids. That is who you are. You may need some balance in your life, but those kids come first.

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So lately I haven't had anyone to talk to, I haven't posted on this forum since last year but my life has gotten a little crazy since then. My last post my fiancé didn't have a job & we were staying with family & he wasn't really helping out with our kid while I was pregnant. Well since then he's got a great job that has him working everyday 14+ hours, & we have our own place & we have 1 vehicle. That vehicle is 2 seater single cab truck (so the kiddos don't ride in it). Anyways, I'm just gonna get to the point, I'm super unhappy & have been for a while. My fiancé & I have been together for 4 1/2 years & we now have 2 children together. Since he's got this job he's been working crazy amount of hours, he leave before the kids wake up & most days don't get home until they are in bed. (I try to keep them awake for him but at that point I'm exhausted & want my own time). When he's home he doesn't do much with the boys at all, his off days mostly consist of him relaxing all day, taking naps & watching tv, while I still cook/clean & take care of the kids. I am a stay at home mom, I had a job at McDonald's but I was working the night shift & only did that for 5 months, now I stay back at home with the kids because his job interfered with mine & I had to quit. (I use to work as a CNA but had to quit that after our first son, & had to turn down a lot of jobs because no one is able to watch the kids) I get no help from his parents or mine, I don't have any friends at all, I don't have a vehicle to take me or the kids out & I just feel like he doesn't care that I don't get a break. He gets to work, he gets money, he gets out of the house & gets to relax when he's home. I'm honestly physically & mentally drained, like we use to fight a lot & now I just don't even care about fighting or anything.. when he brings something up or tries to fight I ignore him or go outside because like I said I'm exhausted I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I have let myself go, I use to be super skinny but since having 2 kids & being depressed & sitting at home day in & day out I just don't care. I just feel like my life is completely on hold, I've brought it up to him, have been for a year now & all he says is "it will get better" "it won't be like this forever" "blah blah blah blah blah". Like we literally don't do anything, I said before when he's off he relaxes around the house while I do all the work, & then when he works I still do all the work because I'm the only one home. I want to go to school, I want to go out with friends, I want to go out on dates with him, I want to be able to go to work, & out for the day & take my kids out, they stay cooped up in the house with me because we don't have a vehicle to take them anywhere! We have his work truck & I told him not to buy it because we've put so much money into it, I put basically every paycheck I got from McDonald's into it & barely drove it! I feel like he wants nothing to do with me unless it's sex. We don't cuddle on the couch & watch TV, we don't hold hands or just love on each other. We were in different rooms today & he just comes in sits next to me & starts grabbing on me & trying to play with me, obviously I'm not in the mood. Like he hasn't said barely anything to me all day & then wants to come in & grope on me, like really? So I was just like "I'm not on the mood" & he went back in the bedroom to watch tv.... :/ Like I'm really starting to resent him & ive told him that before, as mean as it sounds because I feel like he doesn't care. He gets to move on in his career & have money, I stay at home, I don't get an allowance lol as stupid as that sounds, I get nothing, literally nothing. I love my children & would never regret them but I really wish I had more help, I didn't expect my life to be like this when we BOTH AGREED TO HAVE KIDS, not just me. I guess the advice I'm trying to ask is what would someone do in my situation? Like I want to leave & maybe be a single mom, like I already feel like a single mother & I would be better & happier at it because I would get out & to work & to do things for myself & be able to provide for my kids. I'm just so lost... since being a mom I've lost myself & im so insecure & scared all the time & just depressed.

 

Speaking as a single mom...I didn't exactly get to go out with friends or on dates. And going to school and working while still taking care of a child was not something I would classify as ''fun''.

As far as not being able to take the kids anywhere, is there a local park or playground that you can walk to?

 

Look, being a parent definitely carries huge sacrifices. If you are feeling unable to cope with it all and getting depressed I would highly suggest going to see a therapist. It would help you out, get you out of the house, give you someone to talk to and also help you communicate better and figure out what you want.

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Single mothers don't have a man working insane hours to pay their bills. Single mothers have to work full time, some work an additional part time job, then they go home and take care if the household chores and see their kids an hour or two before doing it all again the next day.

 

You had children before you could afford them. Believe me, I know it sucks. Been there, done that. At this point, your best bet is to get some job training and prepare for when they are in school and you can work. Once the kids are in school full time and you're working your husband may be able to cut back at his job and spend more time helping around the house and with the kids. The kids will also be older and less needy, so you will also be able to work out more couple time.

 

Til then, you're in the " we're broke and have little kids" suck. Nothing for it but to get through while planning for the future.

 

And,yeah, CNA pay is slightly above minimum wage. Train for something that will pay better just in case you end up single with kids to support.

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Back in 2014 when we had our first son, we did have jobs both of us & they were both good for our family & then some things happened. I don't expect a lot of people to understand losing things & bad **** happening because it seems like everyones got a perfect little life on here & cant be unhappy..

I have been thinking about being on my own because it basically feels like I am. Like I said in my previous post I take care of the kids all day long, the house, animals & everything. We don't do anything as a couple, we barely talk to each other, we watch tv in different rooms.. I'm LONELY.

The whole sex comment was a complete joke lol why would I want to have sex after dealing with all the bs with the kids & house all day, barely talked to or spent time with, & then wanna be groped on & going back to watching TV in different rooms lol MAYBE if he wanted to spend time with his children & wife AND/OR help out with the kids I wouldn't mind giving him a bj or doing all the work in sex, but when you're home all day, don't get to do anything at all & then are completely ignored when they're home Im sorry NOT sorry sex isn't on my mind or the first thing I wanna do to you. & maybe also if I was appreciated for the things I do at home MAYBE sex would be on my mind....

 

I understand I'm a mother but it makes me so frustrated that people nowadays think that's all that I am or can be. I'm allowed to go to school, & work. I love my children & I love being able to stay home & care for them. I gave up everything for my children & husband so he could have the career HE WANTS. & everytime I try to find a baby sitter for the boys or a family member to watch them, his whole family is always busy & my mom is very sick so it's hard for her to keep up with a 2 & 1 year old. Or he just doesn't want to go out & do this or that.. I've planned dates before & he just doesn't wanna go on them.. & (I don't like daycare because I don't want a stranger taking care of my kids, I've seen videos & I would kill someone if anything bad happened to my kids) I don't think I'm a terrible person for wanting to get out & be able to do things with my own life. So just because I'm a mom I'm not able to better myself? I'm not able to go to school? I'm not able to work? I knew asking for advice was a waste of time.. everyone just tells me the same thing.. "you're a mom" I know I'm a mom & my kids are taken care of & loved every min of every day, it just shocks me that when someone wants to do something more they get put down. I love my fiancé I'm just having some resentment issues because I feel like he's fine with things because he's bettering himself & doing what he wants while I sit at home & take care of OUR kids all day,,,,

 

Have a great day.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T
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Speaking as a single mom...I didn't exactly get to go out with friends or on dates. And going to school and working while still taking care of a child was not something I would classify as ''fun''.

As far as not being able to take the kids anywhere, is there a local park or playground that you can walk to?

 

Look, being a parent definitely carries huge sacrifices. If you are feeling unable to cope with it all and getting depressed I would highly suggest going to see a therapist. It would help you out, get you out of the house, give you someone to talk to and also help you communicate better and figure out what you want.

 

I said I wanted to go out on dates with him. I'm frustrated with him because we both agreed to have kids & im the only one who takes cares of them by myself. So being a single mother I'm sure I could do it, I haven't been a stay at home mom our entire relationship ive had 3 jobs at 1 point when he didn't have 1 & still came home to take care of our baby. I'd love to be able to have fun with him & would love to go out with friends, but I can't even get him to watch his own kids while I take an hour & go to the grocery store, 1 kid would have to come with me. I understand being a parent is full of sacrifices but I feel like I'm the only one sacrificing anything, I've always been the one to sacrifice & now I feel resentment towards him. & no we live on back roads, the closest park is 15 mins if you're driving. I take the kids out in our field every nice day we have, we go outside a lot & I play with the kids all day but we don't ever leave our house.

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stillafool

You can go to school online and take your courses. I'm sure you feel stressed and lonely but imagine how tired your husband feels after working 70 hours a week to provide for you and the kids. Like he said it isn't going to be this way always and it's a sacrifice not just for you but for him as well. Plan things to do at home on the weekends. I'm sure that a lot of single moms would appreciate a husband who works hard for their family.

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GunslingerRoland

Well you can get offended all you want, but you seem to want some sort of magic solution to your issues. Those don't exist.

 

You make all these decisions in your life that make no sense, and then are mad about the consequences of them.

 

Why would you live in the middle of nowhere with your kids, when you don't have access to a vehicle. Why would you buy a vehicle that only holds 2 people.

 

Of course you feel trapped, because you've put yourself in a situation where you are trapped. You need to sit down with your husband and figure out a plan for something better. Can you move to an area, where you can get babysitting, and a park, and a social life, and transit access? So you can go get a job, and get childcare, or at least be able to get out of the house?

 

Your husband works 70 hours a week, and yet you don't even see that as a sacrifice. I'm not saying he shouldn't be getting involved as a father and as a husband, but like others have pointed out, as a single parent you would be the one doing that working, plus all of what you do now.

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Lol a magic solution? I just wanted some advice, not for people to shame me for having my children. At one point we had 2 cars, but like I said **** happens & people lose things. He chose to buy the single cab truck, I told him repeatedly not to get it because we needed a running vehicle for everyone to fit into. We live on back roads because that's the county we live in. But like I said I'm done explaining myself to people, I don't need anymore "advice" I got this ??

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stillafool

I gave you advice to take online classes and invite your friends over to your home. I don't think anyone was trying to shame you for having kids. They were just pointing out that sacrifices have to be made when children are involved.

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Lol a magic solution? I just wanted some advice, not for people to shame me for having my children. At one point we had 2 cars, but like I said **** happens & people lose things. He chose to buy the single cab truck, I told him repeatedly not to get it because we needed a running vehicle for everyone to fit into. We live on back roads because that's the county we live in. But like I said I'm done explaining myself to people, I don't need anymore "advice" I got this ??

 

So what exactly were you expecting people to tell you? There aren't many solutions in your situation aside from what's been said.

 

As others have pointed out, you should try to see the upside here: You have someone who's out there busting his butt so that the bills can get paid. In your other thread over a year ago, you lamented how your fiance didn't have a job and didn't seem terribly pressed to change that.

 

Do you realize how miraculous it is that he's basically done a 180 in that regard? Most guys who don't work and are content to remain that way usually don't make such a shift. That's huge.

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If you've read the other post it would say that I don't have any friends, I don't have anybody I can rely on besides my fiancé. I have had bbqs or parties or get togethers & nobody shows up, not even family. My mom is really sick so I can't rely on her anymore & that hurts because she use to help me so much & I understand she can't help her illness.

 

& yeah last year he didn't have a job, so I should praise him for getting a job like he was suppose to? Lol. So just because he works he shouldn't help at home with his own children or even try to get alone time with his wife? Just because he pays my bills doesn't mean I'm happy. I could pay my own damn bills, all I was asking was about the compassion part. Sorry I want more from a man than his money, he could cut his hours down & be home more & spend time with us & us be broke & I'd be happier. I just want him more involved with his kids, & people are telling me I need to be more appreciative because he works & pays the bills. Lol okay.

 

Like I said you guys are really not seeing the point to my thread.. I'm lonely & upset/bored. I want to be able to do things too, I understand being a parent you make sacrifices & ive made a **** ton of sacrifices in the last 5 years for our family.. yet I get told from strangers, my fiancé & his mother that it's my duty to take care of these kids 24/7, so I've sacrificed myself for his career is he going to sacrifice for mine? I don't think so.. the woman makes the most sacrifices & people don't see that. You think I wanna sit at home all day long not being able to leave? No it's depressing as hell. I want to be able to make something of myself too & I just think it's ridiculous people are stuck in the mindset that I should be more appreciative. I just can't anymore with this thread. Thanks for the advice guys. ????

 

My kids are everything to me, but that doesn't mean I'm JUST a mom.

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stillafool

You can still make something of yourself by going to school online. You said in your previous post that you wanted to go out with friends so I thought you had some. Why does no one show up at your functions? IMHO, being a mom is the most important job in the world. I can't believe you would rather your husband be at home more and you guys be broke. He isn't just working for you but his kids as well. I'm sorry to say this but you sound selfish. Surely you knew having your babies you would have to devote mostly all of your time to them. Maybe when they go off to school in a few short years you can work outside of the home.

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You're wanting to blame everyone else for your problems. Rather than be whiny and, yes, selfish, work on solutions to what you want to do. You've been given good advice, but you dont want it. The bottom line for you is that you think your boyfriend should work his butt off all week long and then cater to you on the weekends. You know what? If you might cater to him a little bit, he might be there for you. If he's having to deal with the attitude we see here, he's a saint.

 

And you better be careful. He might find someone who would appreciate him and greet him with a smile instead of misery.

 

Be careful what you wish for.

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GunslingerRoland

By being so defensive I think you are missing the points people are trying to make.

 

From my posts, my point is that regardless of what you decide to do with your fiancee, your life has to revolve around more than just your husband and kids. Of course you are lonely, you don't do anything with anyone but your kids all week long. You need to fix that. If you live in a county where you are miles away from everything, and you are only going to have one car, that the whole family can't go in, then you are never going to get out of the house..

 

If your husband refuses to change anything and he has full control of the money, then you can leave, but that isn't going to fix the fact that you are going to have to move, you're going to have to figure out how to get your own money, and you're going to have to figure out how to transport yourself and your children. I'm just suggesting you figure out that part of things first, and then deal with your relationship.

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You can still make something of yourself by going to school online. You said in your previous post that you wanted to go out with friends so I thought you had some. Why does no one show up at your functions? IMHO, being a mom is the most important job in the world. I can't believe you would rather your husband be at home more and you guys be broke. He isn't just working for you but his kids as well. I'm sorry to say this but you sound selfish. Surely you knew having your babies you would have to devote mostly all of your time to them. Maybe when they go off to school in a few short years you can work outside of the home.

 

 

I sound selfish because I want to go to school & work? I'm so tired of hearing that. I've heard that from him & his mom. (& his mom would always tells me how she was in my position years ago & wanted to continue to do things for herself)

Like I said before my kids are my everything, I do everything for them everyday day in & day out with NO HELP. I will NOT apologize for wanting to be able to do more with myself. I don't see how I'm wrong in this because I wanna be able to work. Or just maybe a little affection or a break so me & my fiancé can do something. I'm selfish because I want to do something more than sit in the house lol okay. I so wish you knew me because your selfish opinion would change real fast.

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I sound selfish because I want to go to school & work? I'm so tired of hearing that. I've heard that from him & his mom. (& his mom would always tells me how she was in my position years ago & wanted to continue to do things for herself)

Like I said before my kids are my everything, I do everything for them everyday day in & day out with NO HELP. I will NOT apologize for wanting to be able to do more with myself. I don't see how I'm wrong in this because I wanna be able to work. Or just maybe a little affection or a break so me & my fiancé can do something. I'm selfish because I want to do something more than sit in the house lol okay. I so wish you knew me because your selfish opinion would change real fast.

 

You're not selfish, I understand what you're saying and I emphatize. We're just trying to explain to you that it's a bit unrealistic.

 

Look, I could never be a stay at home mom, I have a job that I love and work hard at and I busted my butt to get a degree and get where I am. So I get it. I get that you're bored, I get that you're depressed and that you want more.

 

But, listen to what you're saying. You don't want to leave the kids in a daycare, but you want to work and go to school and you have no family to watch them while you do it. Who's going to take care of them?

My daughter started daycare when she was 6 months. There was no other option. I also had no family, I was going to school, I had work and I had to make that choice. And that's going to be your reality if you leave your fiance.

And it's going to have to be a good job if you plan on paying for rent, utilities, car, gas AND daycare.

 

My advice: talk to your fiance, see if you can get an apartment somewhere closer to the city or suburbs and try online schooling.

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How, exactly, are you planning to work full time and/ or go to school if you have no one to watch your toddlers and won't leave them in daycare?

 

Not to mention daycare is expensive. Here the average is $175 per week per kid.

 

Your best bet is online classes until your littles are in school full time. Without anyone to watch them and your husband working the equivalent of 2 jobs in terms of total hours per week you are short options.

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small steps....

 

take care of 1 extra kid per week, $175 X 4 = $700, more than enough for a car payment, gas and insurance, and some money to take the kids to McDonalds, rather than work there.

 

take care of 3 and you've got a CNA wage

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Your post reminds me of my brother's girlfriend that is complaining about the same things.

 

When you have kids, they're your responsibility & yours alone. If you had kids with no support system that is tough & tiring but it is what it is.

 

School, going out, a babysitter all costs money. If you have extra money why can't you find a sitter? Why can't you plan something? You want him to come home from work & do your work also...& when he's home & you really do need a break here & there, why can't you just take one? Nothing is stopping you from leaving for a couple hours.

 

In life, real happiness doesn't come from "if this just was different I'd be happy"...happiness is a mind set mixed in with being able to adapt to life & problem solve. It's no one but your own fault you don't have friends. I'm. It trying to be mean but just honest. If you go blaming your misery on your situation & or everyone around you...you'll never learn to put your effort & focus on problem solving for yourself & continue to be miserable bc you're just sitting there pointing the finger.

 

You want things like school, friends & date night...you actually have to put in effort, they don't " just happen". Good luck

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I understand you aren't getting the responses you want from the people here, but you have to realize the limitations you've placed on yourself that make it impossible for anyone to help you. That being said, I really sympathize with you and I think people here are being pretty harsh on you considering that your husband is clearly making some huge mistakes. He should have listened to you about the car, and you should have some access to finances because you are the one doing the work at home so that he can make the money he makes. That means you are entitled to the money as well. But your husband isn't the one posting here so I'm going to start with your specific issues.

 

You say you want to do things outside of the house, take the kids places, but you don't have a car to fit them. There is NO solution here other than to get another car. Literally no other solution. You know this, you don't need us to tell you this. It's absolutely ridiculous to not have a car that fits the family when you live in the country. How can you go anywhere, visit relatives, go on family outings, with no car? It just makes no sense.

 

You say you want to go to school and make something of yourself but you don't want to send the kids to daycare because you don't want a stranger raising your kids. Well...okay then. No one can help you. I'm currently in graduate school and guess what, my kid goes to daycare while I'm in class because I don't have family near me to help. That's what you have to do if you want to go to school.

 

You want to go out with your friends. But you don't have any friends. This is probably because you can't nurture relationships with people when you never leave your house. And you never leave your house because you don't have a car that will fit your family. So that kind of goes back to the car situation. You'd also make friends if you went to school, but you can't do that because you won't put your kids in daycare. So you're kind of at a dead end here of your own making.

 

You want to go on date nights with your husband, but your husband doesn't want to go on them with you. You watch TV in separate rooms, he buys a truck that's inappropriate for the family, and you never talk or cuddle. The state of the relationship is bad, and it's both of your doing. What happens if you turn your TV off and walk into the room where he is and suggest to watch something together? What happens if you sit on the couch next to him and cuddle while watching TV? What happens if you approach him for anything?

 

It seems like you need relationship counseling, bad. We only have your side of the story here but I bet your husband has equally valid criticisms of you. You turn him down for sex, you've let yourself go physically, you're not happy with the life he provides despite him working insane hours to provide for you. Now, I know you have reasons for why you're acting the way you are, but you have to see things from his perspective. BOTH of you are doing all the wrong things here, and that's why your life sucks. Marriage is about putting in the work to make the other person happy, and hoping they do the same for you. But sometimes you have to put in the work even when the other person isn't, and in the future the tables will be turned. I think of you work on your end a lot, it will probably make your husband want to work on his end.

 

Have sex with him even when you don't want to. Show him affection even when you feel like he's ignoring you. Be nice to him and show him appreciation even when you feel like he's not doing the same for you. You can't keep this up *forever*, but you should try it for a while and see if you get any sort of reciprocation from him. If you don't, then try counseling and see if that helps. Or divorce. Up to you.

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