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Not for the long haul. But the WS should allow the BS some breathing space and time to absorb and process the new situation instead of expecting them to immediately accept the new status quo. As long as the BS is continuing to fork over a paycheck and at least communicate with the kids via phone or skype, I have no issue with that... as long as it doesn't go on too long.

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Does being cheated on give license to neglect responsibilities to the children?

 

[] because a person is a cheater, all bets are off, it's ok to fall apart, compromise one's values, become a hypocrite?

 

The kids are not any part of adult shenanigans. Why should they be? Have stupid cheater sex and then show up to your kids sport, put them to bed at night.

I am surprised that any parent would consider otherwise. As though it's optional.

 

Let's even say that paternity is a question....all of a sudden, haven't the parental bonds been established? What am I missing here?

 

Aren't these two entirely separate issues?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted reference to another member's thread ~6
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Nope, there is absolutely no justified excuse in the world to not be there for one's kids. I don't care if someone even has had sex with a thousand people while married...being a crappy spouse or betrayed spouse doesn't give anyone the right to be a crappy parent.

 

Some of the same people that state a WS has destroyed the family are the some of the same that state the WS should have just filed for divorce...so either way the family unit wouldn't have been together anymore.

 

My H & I are far from perfect & both had A but even separated our child came first. We both showed up to games, school functions, Girl Scout events & so on. She saw both of us everyday & we never put restrictions on who she spent time with bc we hated each other during a period of relationship.

 

If we could do it under such negative circumstances, anyone can...a child is your child forever, spouses are a different story. Which is known by looking up the divorce rate.

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Note from moderation: the topic of this thread is quoted below. References to other members or other member's threads will not be tolerated. Please post to the topic of this thread only. ~6

 

Does being cheated on give license to neglect responsibilities to the children?
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Absolutely nothing gives license to neglect responsibilities to your children.

 

However...

 

None of us perfect, life throws some nasty numbers, some days just getting out of bed seems like a major achievement

 

Just do your best, and when you cant do your best, just do what you can.

 

If you care to ask the question, you are probably doing ok.

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Of course not. One hopes the father and mother of children are both responsible adults, but so often they are not. What I have seen is men will use the kids to try to control the divorcing wife. They will leave them in the lurch, try to make them desperate and ground them to where all they can do is watch the kids. But then once they lawyer up, they say they want full custody the minute they find out the ex is dating, again, just to control her. I have seen case after case of this.

 

Kids need to be left mostly in the dark about their parents problems, and judges get very angry when one or the other is confiding in them to manipulate some way. Likewise, any abandonment of any length is taken into consideration, whether physical or financial.

 

I wish people wouldn't have children with irresponsible immature idiots.

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Does being cheated on give license to neglect responsibilities to the children?

 

That's too broad a question to answer without additional details.

 

Let's say a woman has cheated on her husband, and he's left the house. He tries to call his kids, but she answers the phone and tries to talk to him instead of putting the kids on the line. He tries to visit, but that turns into fighting with her. Other times, she brings along her affair partner.

 

The end result is he really isn't getting to see his kids. Does this mean he abandoned them?

 

He hasn't seen them in a couple of weeks because he doesn't want to fight with their mom. Has he abandoned them?

 

Really what are his options here? He can choose to go to see his kids knowing it will turn into his wife, whom he is too angry to talk to right now, showing up and turning it into a situation where it's all about her,or he can try and make alternative arrangements or he can go to court. In the meantime, access depends on the mother, who may very well believe she is not interfering with contact, when the reality is anything but.

 

Another scenario...the father had an affair, and the mother is the one who left. The father is parenting the children, and he's been trying to arrange a time where she can see the kids, but she's not interested.

 

Has she abandoned her kids?

 

Two completely different situations among the thousands that can occur.

 

I do find it interesting that the same parent who would risk his or her child's secure home has the nerve to chide a bs who needs a bit of space. Where was that concern for their children then?

 

As the saying goes "before removing the mote in thy neighbour's eye, attend to the beam in thine own"

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quoted text ~6
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Nope, there is absolutely no justified excuse in the world to not be there for one's kids. I don't care if someone even has had sex with a thousand people while married...being a crappy spouse or betrayed spouse doesn't give anyone the right to be a crappy parent.

 

Some of the same people that state a WS has destroyed the family are the some of the same that state the WS should have just filed for divorce...so either way the family unit wouldn't have been together anymore.

 

My H & I are far from perfect & both had A but even separated our child came first. We both showed up to games, school functions, Girl Scout events & so on. She saw both of us everyday & we never put restrictions on who she spent time with bc we hated each other during a period of relationship.

 

If we could do it under such negative circumstances, anyone can...a child is your child forever, spouses are a different story. Which is known by looking up the divorce rate.

 

the answer to your post is an easy one.

 

Not everyone can do this. Some people need more time and space, and they know themselves well enough to realize that's what's best for them.

 

You also assume that the ws is actually facilitating the visits, and not turning a phone call, skype or pick up/drop off into an excuse to pick away at the ws. Just as bs focus on the A when they first find out , so do ws.

 

Really, if i was in that situation, my first stop would be to a lawyer's office so that I will know my rights and responsibilities, and then I would try and arrange visits that did not involve my ws. That way, I could see my kids as soon as possible without any interference and stress from my ws.

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This is a very general statement. Too general to really answer in only one way. When it's phrased like this.... "Does being cheated on give license to neglect responsibilities to the children" it seems that there is really only one answer. Of course no parent should neglect their responsibilities. No matter what is happening in their lives, they have a responsibility to be there for their children.

 

The problem with this kind of black and white thinking is that it doesn't account for the emotional impact that fracturing a family unit causes. You can't expect a person who has just had their entire world ripped apart at the seams to behave as they would have before the event.

 

Here on loveshack I see the term d-day all the time. It means discovery day, the day all parties involved in a triangular affair are brought up to speed on what has been happening in their lives. The day the secrets are all brought from darkness to the light. I personally link it to the actual DDAY from history. The storming of Normandy and the vast amount of lives lost, the bombs dropped... this major event in history that changed everything and turned the tides of the war. It's HUGE. It tears apart the fabric of a family unit and quite likely will cause major trust and emotional issues for the person who was lied to and deceived.

 

Whether or not the betrayed spouse will retreat from their familial responsibilities depends on whether or not they end up with custody of the children.

 

I, myself, ended up with the full responsibility of taking care of my son immediately after the affair came to light and his father left the family home. I didn't cheat, he did... but he walked away from us. So there I was trying to raise my son AND get my emotions under check. I can tell you it wasn't the easiest thing to do at all. Given my experience, it's not that hard for me to understand why a parent would retreat from their responsibilities at that time. Had I been the one forced to leave and not be allowed to take my child with me, I may have fallen into a deep depression and seemingly shirked my responsibilities because even just going to pick my child up would have caused me major anxiety. I couldn't stand to even look at his father after we split. I was too angry and upset. Because of this I can't make this blanket statement saying that no parent should ever shirk their responsibilities as a parent. Sometimes it's best to stay away until you get your act together. If this pattern of behavior continues for a long period of time then it's cause for concern. But immediately after the event is understandable.

Edited by Raena
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blockrockinbeat74

I believe it just comes down to logistics. Those who take a breather from their kids for whatever reason do it because they can.

 

I left my marriage for a myriad of reasons, only one of which was being betrayed (and it wasn't the worst part by a very long shot). I was numb with shock and pain but had to pull through for my kids because I wanted to spare them as much trauma as possible.

 

I had to relocate and had no support in place to relieve me of any of my parental responsibilities, and I didn't have the time to process or grieve the end of the RL right after I left because I was too busy dealing with everyday life and the realities of raising 2 kids on my own, there was no responsible co-parent to share the load with me or make sure the children were ok while I took time out to regroup.

 

Shirting your responsibilities to your kids, even temporarily, makes the other parent a single parent - I wouldn't wish that on anyone, whatever the circumstances.

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Thanks for the responses.

 

To be more clear, if a person is cheated on and subsequently neglects/abandons parental responsibilities.....does being cheated on legitimize their actions toward the children?

 

How do two wrongs make a right? Is there anyone out there who thinks that it is ok to become reckless with their children's well being because they were informed that their spouse/partner had an affair?

 

If the person who had an affair is a rotten parent, why would behaving in the same manner or checking out from the kids make them any better?

Aren't they now at the same level?

 

For the record, this isn't about myself, I am slightly mystified that there seem to be a good number of good people who think a betrayed spouse should have 'time' to be irresponsible even regarding the kids.

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Thanks for the responses.

 

To be more clear, if a person is cheated on and subsequently neglects/abandons parental responsibilities.....does being cheated on legitimize their actions toward the children?

 

How do two wrongs make a right? Is there anyone out there who thinks that it is ok to become reckless with their children's well being because they were informed that their spouse/partner had an affair?

 

If the person who had an affair is a rotten parent, why would behaving in the same manner or checking out from the kids make them any better?

Aren't they now at the same level?

 

For the record, this isn't about myself, I am slightly mystified that there seem to be a good number of good people who think a betrayed spouse should have 'time' to be irresponsible even regarding the kids.

 

 

I don't think anyone has said that it's ok to be irresponsible or reckless with your child's well being. What most people have told you is that it is understandable in some situations to take time for yourself in order to heal when dealing with a traumatic situation.

 

Also, it depends on what you think being irresponsible or reckless looks like. What examples can you give of this?

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Thanks for the responses.

 

To be more clear, if a person is cheated on and subsequently neglects/abandons parental responsibilities.....does being cheated on legitimize their actions toward the children?

 

How do two wrongs make a right? Is there anyone out there who thinks that it is ok to become reckless with their children's well being because they were informed that their spouse/partner had an affair?

 

If the person who had an affair is a rotten parent, why would behaving in the same manner or checking out from the kids make them any better?

Aren't they now at the same level?

 

For the record, this isn't about myself, I am slightly mystified that there seem to be a good number of good people who think a betrayed spouse should have 'time' to be irresponsible even regarding the kids.

 

A mature responsible adult will not abandon the fledglings because they got cheated on. A woman would be very unlikely to ever do that. They are far more likely to cleave to their children after something like that. A man who wants to walk away and pretend children never happened (or a woman) is just not a responsible person. There is no reason for them to take it out on the kids or abandon them financially or physically, though if a giant physical fight ensued, a man might find himself on the other end of a restraining order and have to plan when to see the kids when they are not with the mother.

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I think that a person who's in absolute crisis does not function in the same way that those of us not in crisis do.

 

Let's turn it around: Should a person who isn't functioning well because of a crisis be placed in charge of children? How can they look after children well if they are not even making good decisions for themselves?

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blockrockinbeat74
I think that a person who's in absolute crisis does not function in the same way that those of us not in crisis do.

 

Let's turn it around: Should a person who isn't functioning well because of a crisis be placed in charge of children? How can they look after children well if they are not even making good decisions for themselves?

 

Sometimes there is no choice, the person 'in crisis' is the only responsible parent in their kids' life. So what do you do then? You pull yourself together and rise above it because crisis or not, your kids need you. Looking after children who are completely dependent on you for their well-being also helps put things in perspective.

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Oh they just use the kids to punish the WS. It's all about getting back at the WS and showing them.

 

Real loving parent, huh?

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Oh they just use the kids to punish the WS. It's all about getting back at the WS and showing them.

 

Real loving parent, huh?

 

Did I miss something? Who is using kids to punish a WS?

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I think that a person who's in absolute crisis does not function in the same way that those of us not in crisis do.

 

true but - how long should the other parent tolerate the crisis for and what should the children be told about it? shouldn't the parent's job be to stabilize the kids - because they're in a crisis as well - isn't THAT the ultimate test for parents? functioning under high stress & pulling the weight when it gets tough?

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Sometimes there is no choice, the person 'in crisis' is the only responsible parent in their kids' life. So what do you do then? You pull yourself together and rise above it because crisis or not, your kids need you. Looking after children who are completely dependent on you for their well-being also helps put things in perspective.

 

People can't always pull themselves together. Parents can and do suffer terrible losses/breakdowns/mental illness/physical illness. These can leave a parent unable to care and sometimes family and friends are required to help fill the gap.

 

Have you never had to help a parent who's in crisis care for their kids?

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true but - how long should the other parent tolerate the crisis for and what should the children be told about it? shouldn't the parent's job be to stabilize the kids - because they're in a crisis as well - isn't THAT the ultimate test for parents? functioning under high stress & pulling the weight when it gets tough?

 

In a perfect world with people who always react with logic to any situation, yes.

 

But we don't have a perfect world. We have cheating spouses and others who fall apart as a result. Emotions and logic don't always run together. And people can have resulting mental health issues.

 

If we're talking about "should" the cheating spouse should have stayed faithful, but that didn't happen either.... And yes, I know that two wrongs don't make a right. But humans are fallible by design.

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Many years ago a friend's father died suddenly and unexpectedly. My friend adored her father. She was the baby of her family and had been a daddy's girl. At the time she was a sahm to three beautiful children. She loved her children and her husband deeply and her whole life revolved around taking care of her little family.

 

When her father died it hit her really hard. She soon spiraled down into a very dark place. She went into a deep depression, became plagued with panic attacks and insomnia. Years later she told me she felt like she was trapped in darkness, she couldn't feel anything besides anger and fear or numbness. She wasn't able to function at all for many months and her husband and her siblings had to take over caring for the children for most of that time. It took her about a year before she started getting back to normal and that was with plenty of counseling and medication.

 

So did she have license to neglect her family just because her dad died? Thats sort of an unfair question because children should never be neglected but my friend was in a serious crisis. She needed understanding and compassion, she needed help, not blame and judgement. Everybody who knew her knew that she loved her children fiercely and that she must be really suffering to turn away from them. She did recover and once again became the loving caring mother and wife she had always been. It took about a year and thankfully her husband and her family rallied around and held up the fort when she was unable to. Given that she had devoted her life to caring for them she deserved no less.

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blockrockinbeat74
People can't always pull themselves together. Parents can and do suffer terrible losses/breakdowns/mental illness/physical illness. These can leave a parent unable to care and sometimes family and friends are required to help fill the gap.

 

Have you never had to help a parent who's in crisis care for their kids?

 

Yes, I have. I was also that parent in crisis - my exH was abusive mentally and emotionally. I had to relocate after I left and knew no-one. All the people I knew, including my family, were there emotionally but not physically because they were too far away so I had no one to help fill the gap.

 

It's not an unusual situation for single parents who left an abusive RL.

 

I wasn't pointing the finger at those who get help but some parents aren't afforded that choice.

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Yes, I have. I was also that parent in crisis - my exH was abusive mentally and emotionally. I had to relocate after I left and knew no-one. All the people I knew, including my family, were there emotionally but not physically because they were too far away so I had no one to help fill the gap.

 

It's not an unusual situation for single parents who left an abusive RL.

 

I wasn't pointing the finger at those who get help but some parents aren't afforded that choice.

 

Maybe this is what is driving my perspective brb74, when my husband passed, I had very little help. It was either I pull it together and take care of my kids or no one would.

 

Perhaps in an adulterous situation, the bs has the luxury of 'punishing' the ws by leaving the kids to them....which is ridiculous but then so many couples/people are.

 

It's not the same situation but the immense pain and depression where soul crushing. Maybe I am being too harsh but I can't imagine infidelity as a viable excuse to drop the ball as a parent.

 

Are people (general, bs who ghost their kids) confusing being hurt and angry at their spouse (sure, perfectly reasonable) with being justified in causing hurt/confusion to the kids?

 

eta: Sorry if there were some questions not addressed, off to work but will be back.

Edited by Timshel
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