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12 yr old daughter obsessed with "bad" boy


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worriedmom

My daughter is 12, will be 13 in 3 months. A few months ago she started dating this boy 2 years older than her, but he was flunked into her grade... She's had "boyfriends" before, but only saw them in school and was more into her friends at home. Well shince she's been with him, she's started lying and sneaking around to be with him. She snuck 3 boys into the house one night while we were grocery shopping. (1st time we ever left her and her sister,11, home at night) She called me and asked when we'd be home and got her own self caught.

 

So now all of a sudden I don't trust her. One day her and a friend are marking this big manilla envelope "top secret" and they had all these notes from kids at school. I said " don't leave that laying around or I'll read it." Well she did, and I did! Needless to say, I was shocked to see their potty mouths and huge interest in boys, sex, etc. As I read on, it said this boy wants her to try pot but she's questioning it cuz she's afraid she'll like it and get hooked. I talked to her about it, not yelled and freak out and send her to a convent like I wanted. She was upset, but knew I told her I'd read it. She says she got online to see what pot would do to her body etc. and decided against it. She says I can test her anytime, which I haven't, but she swears she doesn't want to.

 

Well I asked a police friend I know and a few others about this boy and his family and honestly, heard not one good thing from anyone who knows him. His dad is the town drunk and this kid is just bad news. He goes to the "naughty boy" school now where the "trouble" kids go. (the police are at this school almost daily) He has now started coming to all her track meets and she sits up by him in the bleachers, not with us now, while he has his arm around her... he's even started going to her practices! At her last meet, I hurt my hand pretty bad and had to go for x-rays so I asked a neighbor who's daughter is also in track, to bring her home for me. Well he looked and looked all over and couldn't find her. Mind you, she is supposed to be with her team participating in this meet. He finally spots her across the field, walking out of the baseball dugout with this boy and a blanket!!

 

She has lied and said she'd be at a friends house and when I went to call her home, I got "She's in the bathroom, can she call you back?" Well 15 mins later she finally calls and said she's SO sick, yadda yadda yadda... I've told her she's too young to be this serious over him, not to mention he's too old, and he's a bad influence.

 

I know she made a great choice not to smoke pot and I believe her. But it seems lately she is just obsessed with being with him. She doesn't care to be with her girlfriends anymore. I had suggested fine, a group of boys AND girls is ok... Well she went mad trying to get some girls over here so he could come over, but none of her friends like this boy either. Most of them anyway. Iv'e tried to explain these feeling are normal but she's just so young to be focused only on him. She needs a healthy balance of school, friends, family and boys. They say they love each other alot, they sneak off into the woods to make out all the time. She comes home with muddy shoes. This weekend after our talk of spending a little more "girlfriend" time to balance things, she slept at a friends house and when her dad went to pick her up, THERE HE IS!!

 

She has to see him everyday, and be alone with him. The obsession is what has me worried. That, and he has no rules or supervision at all. He has a cell phone and she's set her alarm b4 in the middle of the night cuz she doesn't like that I make her get off the phone at 9pm. So now we've decided she can't see him anymore and she's heartbroken. We have a councelor appt. this afternoon thank God. We feel it's for her own good, yet we both feel bad for her. She's saying he was trying to change and be better for us... we should've got to know him b4 we judged him... but whenever he see's us, he literally runs the other way.

 

After her school play, we invited him out for icecream with us afterwards and he stood as far away from us as possible and didn't say a word. Even if we asked a question, she would answer for him... He jumps to very violent conclusions like" I think your parents want to hold me down and stab me with a butcher knife" I have told him I don't want them spending time alone and leave his pot at home, but I never mentioned a knife, LOL! He just sends out major red falgs as being no good.

 

I think if he were a nicer boy with involved parents, I'd be a little more willing to let her hang out with him and have him over for dinner or something. Even though I feel she's way too young, I know it happens. My problem is this boy is bad news. I mean who wants to OK their daughter dating a pot-head?? Yet I still feel guilty and terribly mean for making her break up with him cuz she's sad now. My gut tells me it's the right thing, but now that I see her so sad, there's a little voice whispering "should you try a little more to get to know this boy?" She tells me he wants to change and he knows he comes off as a loser. My response was "WHY do you want to be with a loser?" Hers was "he wants to change Mom" Is she just telling me what I want to hear? I don't want to not trust her and lock her up till she's 18 and goes wild, but I don't want to say he is ok and next thing I know I'm a Grandma at 32!!!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, ANY advice it greatly appreciated!!! Thank you so much!

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WEll let me tell you, MAKING her break up w/ him is only going to make her want him even more & try harder to sneak off to be w/ him. I was the same way. Girls tend to like the "bad" boys. they're exciting & not boring. You should be worried about them having sex & doing drugs, kids these days seem to be having sex & doing drugs alot younger and there's not too much you can do to prevent it b/c if they are wanting to do it they will find a way to do it. My daughter is only 2 but it wasn't too long ago that I was a kid. My mom tried to keep me from a boyfriend & I ran away to be with him & just ended up resenting my mom SO much. I stayed w/ him for about a month then went back home. My mom again tried to keep me from him so I would pick fights w/ her & got her to kick me out so I could go stay w/ him again. Her trying to keep me from him made me want to be w/ him even more. When my daughter gets to be this age I'm going to TRY to give her the benefit of the doubt & try to invite her boyfriends over & let them spend time together as long as her grades don't suffer. Make him apart of your family events, Since he doesn't have a good family life he may not know how to react w/ someone actually being nice to him & wanting him around. Welcome to the beginning of the teen years, mine were tough, I couldn't talk to my mom about anything b/c she made me feel bad about everything I did. I didn't lose my virginity til I was almost 17 but she never trusted me. Just trust your daughter & be there for her w/out judging her so much. You can't protect her forever & the more you try the more she's going to fight you. But at 12 years old she iIS way too young for dates or anything like that try to do group things, take them, along w/ other friends to the mall or to an amusment park & let them do their own thing while you do yours. Just some suggestions. Good Luck

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worriedmom

Thanks for your advice! I hear what you're saying, I just don't like the every minute of every day thing! I guess if I can convince her dad, we can give him more of a chance, but it scares me! Because like I said, not many of her friends like him and that kinda makes the whole group thing hard. I was NOT ready for this so soon! I knew it was coming, just wasn't expecting it yet!!

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No problem, like I said, I'm only 22 years old so those days weren't so long ago for me & I can only tell you from the way I felt about the things my mom did to me. & I can only learn from her mistakes & mine. My mom & I are JUST NOW (since my daughter has been born) gotten close. I wish I would have been able to talk to my mom more w/out her looking down on me & making me think what I was feeling was wrong when it was completely normal, Luckily I had/have an aunt that helped me through those times to let me know the truth about life. Just be there for her, give her freedom w/out giving too much of it, make sure she's being resposible about it & when/if she's not take it away. BTW the 24/7 thing IS too much, let her do the weekend thing & maybe let them do homework together once or twice a week (& dinner) just make sure they actually doing homework & nothing else. And good luck again.

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sweetpea01

She's only 12!!! Going to the woods to make out with her boyfriend is unnacceptable, at that age. I am sure he's not a bad person, but I don't think he is the best for your daughter. Good for her to not smoke pot, but the next thing he is going to suggest is sex. At 12, she isn't emotionally or physically ready. You COULD give him the benefit of the doubt, but when the risks are so great, why? I'm 25 years old, and I'm not a mother, but I do have a 10 year old sister who I take to school and pick up. I hear what the kids talk about and see what they are wearing these days - and they know ALOT! Some of her friends are in love already! They have boyfriends, want to date people, etc. We have the rest of our lives to be adults, and only a limited amount of time to be a kid. Good for you mom, for wanting to respect her wishes - but sometimes you have to be her mother and put your foot down, and forego being her friend. This kid sounds like trouble. I'd risk my daughter being upset with me and keeping her away from this guy.

 

SP

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I'd risk my daughter being upset with me and keeping her away from this guy.

 

But would you risk having your daughter smeak off to be w/ him anyway or run away to be w/ him. When they do that they tend to get in more trouble.

Maybe I'm in dream world but I think you can be your childs friends AND a good mother, you can teach her right from wrong while being there & making her feel like she can talk to you about ANYTHING & not blow up about it. To be rational about things & until she breaks that trust. Trust your daughter to do the right things, she's already made a choice not to smoke. I just think the only way to keep them away from each other is to lock her up and we all know thats impossible to do. All I'm saying is if they want to be together they will find away, it would be better for them to be together under her parents supervision (doing things together as a family) than them sneaking around. She'll out grow him as well as he'll outgrow her & that'll happen sooner as long as you let them hang out. They are both still very young & this relationship will probably only last about a month or 2.

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sweetpea01

I most certainly wouldn't want her to run off with this guy. However, I would also have to trust her to keep her word when she says she will not sneak off to be with him. Kids at age 12 believing they are "in love" cannot lead to anything good... I don't know her daughter personally, so it's hard to say.

 

 

SP

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RecordProducer

I support your idea of getting to know him better and inviting him over. He is also just a child that needs a family, but never had real love and attention. He is in defense mode. You can give him a chance and if he turns out to be nice under the vicious surface then okay. But if he lets you down then he blew up his chance.

I understand it breaks your heart to see your child with a boy like him. But they are in love and you can't stop them. They may start skipping school or even run away from home and get hurt. But they will break up eventually. I mean, she won't marry him, right?

If I were you, I would demand that they only see each other in your home. You can be nice to him, bring them food in their room and just check them out once or twice per evening. They will be grateful (hopefully) and appreciate your generosity. This way you will have control over them and make sure they don't smoke pot or have sex. Promise to knock on the door and wait a few seconds until they split before you enter. They have a right to kiss and cuddle and 5 secs is enough time for them to get to a decent position before you enter the room. But they won't be able to get naked. Also decide on the time they can spend together every day. Let her talk on the phone with him as much as she wants (that will keep her away from him). ;) Of course she has to do her home work first.

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I don't think this kid should be given any chances. The guy is fifteen, and the daughter is twelve. What the hell is a fifteen year-old doing in a relationship with a twelve year-old? At fifteen, dating someone three years younger is a bit sketchy.

 

The daughter already broke her mother's trust by sneaking guys into the house, and seems to be crafty at getting away with other things.

 

I have heard the whole "you just don't know him", "he wants to change for the better", "he only comes across like that" excuses from women of all ages.

 

If the mother wants to forbid her twelve year-old from seeing this kid, I'd say she should go for it. Do what is in the daughter's best interest. It sounds like there is enough evidence showing the daughter should stay away from this guy.

 

The mother could try allowing this relationship to continue, provided she would supervise them at all times and certain rooms in the house would be off-limits. It isn't a good sign that he wouldn't say one word to the parents, though. Find out what he is like when you have to always be one room apart from each other if you want to. I think just the age difference so early in life is a sign of trouble.

 

Normally in situations like this, my advice would just be "If the girl wants to make mistakes, let her make them; it's her own problem." It's different when the girl is your child, though, especially a child who is so young. Two years can make a huge difference. A twelve and fifteen year-old are in very different places in life, and have had many different experiences. The differences between a fifteen year-old and a seventeen year-old are even more obvious.

 

Whatever is done in response to this situation, I think it would be good to be cautious.

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worriedmom

WOW you guys, thank you so much!! I've recently found out another bit of bad news about him, so I don't know about even giving him another chance.... My daughter seems to be OK with focusing on herself for now. They've agreed to not see each other anymore and she's not crying about it. It probably won't be that easy, but so far so good. Today is a track meet, so we'll see if he's there or not. We'll probably run into problems, like I said, as of now I have a hard time trusting her. I do think she KINDA understands that she doesn't even know herself fully yet, let alone some older boy! And that she needs to love herself before she can fully love anyone else. I tell you what, I'm headed over to that post about how kids change your life... Mostly for the better, but they sure do get your heart and thoughts runnin!! In a 24 hour period(even less than that!), I can go from wanting to smack her upside the head, to feeling SO proud at whatever wonderful thing she just did! They sure do keep the emotions flowing!! But when it's all said and done, I would never change a thing!! KIDS... you gotta love 'em!! Thanks so much and ANY more advice is greatly welcomed!! You guys are great!! :)

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worriedmom

I forgot to add that when I was about 15-16, my parents forbid me to see my boyfriend anymore and I ran away to be with him. It was only a day or 2 but I know exactly what can happen! When they found me, they said OK, I guess you can see him again, LOL! We stayed with older friends and I was never in any danger (that I knew of anyway) but still, I don't want it to get to that! My daughter told me she already contemplated it, and realized she has no where to go. But thats just now cuz she's 12.... When she's older, she'll know older ppl with places of their own or older siblings. For this exact moment anyway, all is well. I think they've decided they'll break up FOR NOW, work on themselves, and then get back together in the future. Or they could be lying to us and didn't even break up and pledged their love forever and are running away this weekend!! OMG! My mind gets running and I freak myself out more than anything! She really is a smart kid, so I'll trust in that. Just wanted to add that her own mother ran away! :o

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  • 1 month later...

This is outrageous!

 

Please tell me that you are edjucated enough to realize that children should not date under any cercumstances no matter how much they whine or argue. These days kids are acting out adult-like sex acts that they are unable to handle emotionally. I think 16 is more reasonable for a youth to date but not before. If you want your daughter pregnant and single (cause no boy is going to be responsible for another child) then continue to be ignorant and listen to these idiots.

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MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

Keep setting limits - as much as she argues and rebels, deep down she will know you care and love her, and that is what she needs. She wants to be able to make some decisions about her own life, but she also has to earn this as well as your trust (which she has broken several times by sneaking off with him).

 

Don't take her word for anything. Supervise Supervise Supervise!!!! Set curfews. Set YOUR alarm to make sure she isn't setting hers in the middle of the night. Check her alarm when she is sleeping. Do what you must to make sure she is not in contact with this boy or any other "boyfriend". No, you don't want to be a grandma at 32, or at 38 for that matter.

 

Don't encourage any kind of dating no matter how nice you think the boy is...at that age (puberty) they're not thinking with their brains (not so sure that ever changes with boys/men).

 

I think you are doing a great job so far by her agreeing to counselling and wanting to spend time with her girlfriends and doing things for herself.

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I can agree with Record Producer up to a point, I think it's a great idea for the two of them to only be allowed to see each other in your home, but with her door OPEN at all times! She is too young to be put in the situation of having to "separate" before mom comes in the room. This is your house and you can go in any room you want to.

 

It is not only about his actions it is also about the way your daughter has been acting since she has been around the guy. Maybe if you tell her that then she will take on some of the responsibilty of behaving a little better.

 

You are in a tough situation and I have a feeling it's only going to get tougher, hang in there, remember you are not doing this for popularity with you daughter, you are doing this because you love her!

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I just want to say that I have said a zillion times to both my kids, no dating until you're 16!! They say they're "going out" and I always ask where are you going? Nowhere, that's where! Thats just what the kids say. I would never let her in her room with a boy, door closed OR open!

I don't even think at 16 I'll allow any boys in their rooms!! I know kids will find a way if they want to, but I was never allowed boys in my room!! Maybe when she's 16-17 I'll give her a second to peel away or whatever, but for now, the only thing she better be peeling is a banana! She has since dumped this hell-boy. At first it was just a "tell mom what she wants to hear" thing, and she was kept in the house with no phone and no friends for a few weeks because she said they "broke up" and they didn't. I even asked her, "Aren't you sick of getting in trouble for this kid?? Is he THAT worth it?" She finally realized he wasn't, plus he did something to piss her off which she didn't want to share with me.... :(

The counseling has helped, plus there is a "Changes and Choices" group for the kids starting there soon, where they talk about peer pressure etc, and how to make good choices without feeling you're "un-cool". She tells me the peer pressure is terrible! She went to pre-school and Brownies with these kids, they used to all be friends, and now she says there's so much pressure to like or not like people, and to do things I wasn't faced with until high school. She told me 80-90% of our town gets high, and be glad she doesn't. She says I can test her anytime I want and she wishes I would so I won't worry about it anymore. I told her I most certainly will someday when it's unexpected....

I finally let her out on trust she really didn't earn, but I told her I'd give it to her anyway after about 3-4 weeks of being trapped in the house. She said "How can I earn trust if you don't give me a chance?" About 2 weeks later when I believed they really HAD broken up, ( I have spys....) I gave her trial trust and she has kept it so far. I talk to parents a lot more, ask a lot more questions, show up unexpectedly and somehow I am blessed with a radar that turns on when I need it. She knows exactly what will happen if she gets caught lying or sneaking (she can NOT lie, it's written all over her face) so there's no surprises. If she has ANYONE in this house while I'm at work, (3 days a week, I work a half day) she will be the only 13 yr old in town getting up at 6AM all summer long to go to Grandma's while Mommy goes to work, LOL! I have the neighbors keeping an eye out while I'm gone and she knows it. She also knows it's because of her own actions that I treat her like this.

Things have been going well for about a month, (knock on wood) my radar hasn't gone on in weeks!! I've slowed a bit on the whole "detective" thing, but not completely. If something sounds fishy, I check up on it. Even if it doesn't, I might check up anyway. I'm all about the unexpected thing so she's on her toes. We live in a very small town and she never knows who is where. If her and her friends decide to walk to McDonalds, there are only like 2 ways they can go... which are coincidentally the SAME way to the grocery store, and we're out of milk! hehehe... We're not always out of milk, but you just never know when we will be. And I'm one to beep and yell out the window "Hi girls, walk safe!!" on my way by. If I don't see them anywhere along my milk route, then my radar goes on. I don't do this all the time, I can't be everywhere ALL the time, it's the element of surprise and being spontaneous I count on. If they're going to the ice cream shop, i just MIGHT have to go to the bank that day. You get what I mean, LOL! I also make it a point to remind her, "OK, I'm trusting you on this, have fun and be good." As I look her right in the eye type of thing.

I do appreciate the input, I'm basically flying by the seat of my pants here. All I can do is stay involved, ask questions and let her know I love her. I figure if anything, it gives her an excuse. "Hey, I don't know about you guys, but my mom checks on me all the time, and if I'm not where I say I'm ganna be, I'm busted." If the kids who do "naughty" things don't like her for that, it wouldn't break MY heart!! It may hers, but she'll get over it, and i KNOW she has friends who stay out of trouble. I know, because their parents feel the same as I do. It's almost like we have a "Lets keep our kids out of trouble" group, LMAO!! But hey, they don't come with an owners manual unfortunately! You just have to make one up as you go with the input of others along the way! So thanks guys! :) :)

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Wow,...sounds like she rules the roost. Twelve years old. Man thats young. Times sure have changed. She shouldnt be "dating" anyone. You mentioned she needs a healthy balance of things in her life. Boys isnt one of them in my opinion. She is too young to be alone with boys. Trust me,..,.she probably smoking pot already. Id get her tested. She has probably had sex already too. This jerk sounds like he has gotten her to do whatever he wants. I'd tell this jerk to leave her alone. Tell this drunk of a father too. I was still playing with Barbie dolls at 12. Wow. What do you think they were up to in that dugout with the blanket???? Id be suprised if it stopped at making out. This kid is going to ruin your daughter. He is a loser. And excuse me,...but what is a 15 year old boy doing even wanting to hang out with a 12 year old??? I take it this losers, loser-father is a single dad?

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BTW,...you owe her NO explanation for looking in that "top secret" folder. Or ANYTHING ELSE!!! You are her Mother.... She is only 12. Not even a teenager yet. Im afraid you are gonna have your hands FULL with this one!!

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MWC_LifeBeginsAt40
I just want to say that I have said a zillion times to both my kids, no dating until you're 16!! They say they're "going out" and I always ask where are you going? Nowhere, that's where! Thats just what the kids say.

 

From your post it sounds like things are on the right track. You need to make it very clear that you must know exactly where she is going, who she will be with, and when she will be home (set this time yourself). "Nowhere" is not an acceptable response and cannot be written off as 'attitude'.

 

As far as laying down the law about no dating until age 16, the rules still need to be consistently followed even at that age. I have a niece who was really into boys at a young age, and since she was also developed at an early age, she figured she was mature. Well the only thing that changed when this mature kid reach 16yrs old was seeing her boyfriend of 2 years more openly as opposed to just "going out", and getting pregnant at 17. (Her mom was 16 when she was born).

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worried mom - I just want to let you know that you seem a lot like my mom when I was younger. I didn't do half the things that your daughter is doing but my mom was strict like that. It was hell at the time, but you are doing it for her own good and when she grows up, she will realize it. You'll have her respect when she is off in college and living on her own, needing her mom more than you think.

 

The only thing I might suggest is perhaps rewarding her once in a while if she's being good. Sad thing is, she is probably resenting you for your inspector gadget behaviour, and she is still telling you 'what mom wants to hear,' but beneath it all, she is feeling guilty and trying to be a good girl. Take her somewhere fun with the 'good girls' like shopping or out to eat somewhere nice, and show her that you can have a good time while being a good 12 year old girl at the same time. It'll take some time, but she'll learn. :)

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