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Son skipping visits


JoeSimone68

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I divorce last year. ex-wife shares custody but she has our 5th grade son more. I have him 2 weekends a month plus Wednesday nights and two weeks during summer. Past two Wednesdays he call and say he wants to stay at his moms. We have good weekend visit. Don't know if I should push him because I want to see him or if he just tired from school and it feels like a hassle. Trying not to feel sad about it, take it personal. Advice?

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GunslingerRoland

He's old enough that you have to let him take the lead on some of this kind of stuff. Forcing him to come over isn't going to help anything.

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UpwardForward

Yes. Sometimes they do get weary, or just want to stay home.

 

Let him be the decider. He will come when he's ready.

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  • 2 weeks later...

It may just be hard for him on school nights. Maybe he plays with friends after school. If you are sure his mom is encouraging him to ho with you, I would not pressure too much. Next time he cancels, maybe just ask if he would like you to take him to supper and then drop him off back home with mom.

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What do you actually do Wednesday nights?

 

I kind of mean like, thats a short period of time, relatively, is he going to see it as worth the hassle?

I definitely dont mean you should spend a ton of money and every wednesday has got to be off the scale amazing! You DONT need to buy his affection!

 

But like do you say... have a kick about at the park, cook dinner together, work on your go kart.. or real car, go climbing, biking, surfing, or jam out together play music? Or it just same old routine, dinner, bed. That he has at his mums. Because he could see it as a lot of fuss just to sleep somewhere different!

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i'd look closely into it. i'd also seek help from the mother - encouraging the boy to see you, i'd even ask for some professional guidance. i'd try to make those Wednesdays more fun for him - if he doesn't want to see you because it's in the middle of his school week - pick another day. maybe Friday.

 

don't let this pass though; fight for the time with your son. he can't skip visits and while you obviously can't force him - you shouldn't be totally fine with it either.

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5th grade, whats that about 10 or 11yo?

 

I saw this going on with a friend on mine who was divorced with the ex wife having custody. Son didn't want to visit Dad as much as the custody agreement dictated. It was really hard on the Dad, but I think the truth here is often that at this age Son has started to really develop his own life and probably has school friend interests and/or just other life interests. I don't think its a reflection on the OP or the relationship.

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What do you actually do Wednesday nights?

 

I kind of mean like, thats a short period of time, relatively, is he going to see it as worth the hassle?

I definitely dont mean you should spend a ton of money and every wednesday has got to be off the scale amazing! You DONT need to buy his affection!

 

But like do you say... have a kick about at the park, cook dinner together, work on your go kart.. or real car, go climbing, biking, surfing, or jam out together play music? Or it just same old routine, dinner, bed. That he has at his mums. Because he could see it as a lot of fuss just to sleep somewhere different!

 

Most of the guys I know who have weekends and a day during the week enroll their kids in some activity or other. For example, one man I know who has his kids on Tuesday evenings and every weekend does bowling on Tuesdays. He picks the kids up from school, they do homework, have pizza or fast food, then bowl on a kids league until near time to return them to their mother.

 

5th grade, whats that about 10 or 11yo?

 

I saw this going on with a friend on mine who was divorced with the ex wife having custody. Son didn't want to visit Dad as much as the custody agreement dictated. It was really hard on the Dad, but I think the truth here is often that at this age Son has started to really develop his own life and probably has school friend interests and/or just other life interests. I don't think its a reflection on the OP or the relationship.

 

This.

 

Also, kids go through phases. Sometimes, they really want Mom. Sometimes, they really want Dad. It's really obvious when they're little and more subtle when they're older.

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Read up with the visitation agreement. You have equal say in the youngsters time.

 

The courts frown upon the kids re arranging visitation. The courts prefer the adults to handle it properly.

 

Any missed time can't be redone. Consistency is key.

 

As a single parent I listened to my children and encouraged them to see their father. My youngest once said, mom .I love dad, but his GF is terribly mean to me. My eldest quietly acknowledged it.

It was so heartbreaking to learn that another adult was treating my son so unkindly..My ex stopped visitations to address this with His gf . She won..As he simply refused to believe the tales my son's spoke of. He was a wonderful father figure..Just wasn't good with prioritizing.

 

Op- keep the line open...He needs his Dad.

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