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Should I let my child visit her mother and (abusive) boyfriend?


Chris777

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This is far more complicated than I care to get into in one post without writing an essay so I will try and be concise as I can.

 

I am a single dad w/ (pseudo custody) of my now 10 yr old daughter. Been divorced since 97. Living with my parents.

 

I got involved with my ex after hearing her sob story about her abusive 1st husband who she already had 3 kids with.

 

We get hitched, then 2 years later tells me she doesn't love me anymore, and runs off with an even younger guy.

 

He ditches her and she tries to overdose.

 

I mention possibly reconciling, but didn't want to jump into anything. So she decides to shack up again.

 

She breaks up with the new abusive bf several times (and of course goes back) because of threats and violence etc. And at one point, even cuts hew wrist.

 

6 months or so ago, She breaks up with the guy yet again, moving in with her parents, only to move out and start living with yet another guy. She took an out of state trip with him, and of course, as usual doesn't bother telling our daughter where she is at or what's going on, and when she will see her again.

When She makes contact I took my daughter to visit, and find out that the "long term" of of like 6 or 7 years had snuck into her parents house and raped her from the "friend" she was staying with. She later tell me he apologized, and sent aletter to her parents apologizing, (yet not admitting to either what he actually did)

She "confirms that they are over , and she won't see him again" He dissapeared for around 6 months in some sort of rehab program. Meanwhile my ex and her "friend" start getting my daughter , and her half siblings occasionally, along with her "friends" kids. a few months pass , and when my daughter calls to find out if she can see her mom, her brother tells me that the "friend" had words with my ex, and that she was moving back into her parents again. It doesn't last, 2 more times, with the most recent being where the "friend" beats her up out of state , and his family ship my ex back home. (yours truly agrees to pick her up from station) When we get back , both me and her brother tell her to stop screwing around with these people. I forgot to mention that my ex on several occasions has told me not to bring our daughter, as she would be taking care of her longtime BF's ailing father, now take into mind that they never married, and then he raped her, and she was still visiting the father and helping him while, the "ex bf" was in rehab. Well the last 2 times I took my daughter to visit her mom the "rapists" just happen to be there. The first time she said he was just visiting, and that he had recently gotten out of rehab and he wanted to see her kids. The second time she ask to borrow some money to take our daughter hiking, and I give her a little bit, but tell her to just wait, and I will drive them both when i come back to pick my daughter up. Well when I drive up the next day guess who is sitting on the front porch. with my daughter.

Now like i said its complicated, as i forgot to mention that my ex wife has had some sort of possible cervical cancer, or tumors or something, for at least the past 5 years, really since before we were divorced, as she had pre cancerous cells frozen back then.

she has experienced extreme bleeding and such during the past several years. that is why i told her to wait on the hiking with my daughter and i would take them as i was afraid she might have passed out alone with my daughter, plus i didn't want them going alone, being 2 girls. I should have known better. As my daughter informed me that he ended up spending all weekend with her and her mom (along with my money).

 

Now I haven't personally spoke with my ex since then other than to confirm her surgery dates , and such.

as she was scheduled to have a historectomy and other exploratory surgery back on the 24th of march, the day before our daughters birthday.

Every time my daughter calls her grandparents house her aunts and uncles (both with mental disorders/retardation) tell her that her mother is not there , and probably with the BF/rapists.

 

this sort of thing has been going on for years about her moms reliability on visitation.

 

here is my dilemma

 

I do not under any circumstance want my daughter visition her mother ever again while he is in the company of the BF/rapists.

 

I get the obligatory "he only hurts me, and would never hurt the kids" story (the exact same story she told me about her 1st husband)

But I am sorry I do not trust the guy.....

I don't care how hopped up on drugs he was , he snuck into my ex in laws house while my ex wife was asleep, and rapes her knowing she had severe gyneolgical problems , and a tumor the size of a grapefruit.

 

I think it is one of the lowest things i have ever heard of a person doing, I had thought about telling my ex father in law , but he is getting elderly mid 60's and of course my ex wife told me not to say anything to anyone. However she has also told me not to rat out her cousin who raped her sister, and attempted to rape her.

 

I am sick of playing hide and seek, or whatever sick mentality she has.

 

I am seriously thinking of telling her that she can see our daughter only as long as the bf has no contact while my daughter is around. and when i get the sob story I plan on saying if the bf will come clean with my ex wife's father about him raping his daughter under his roof, and he thinks its ok for my daughter to visit with her mom and the bf I might consider it.

 

Do i have any legal recourse?

 

I know I cannot prevent my daughter from visiting the mom if i didn't "approve" of a boyfriend, but this situation is different.

 

And to further muck things up the rapists is apparently in good with local law enforcement, as the ex tried to report the rape, but the good ol boys kindly swept it under the rug.

 

I am not going to give this guy a chance to even think about hurting my daughter. My ex wife like so many women, who appear to just not get enough abuse, and actually appear to crave it. (sorry no offense, but I worked 7 years in an office with like 98% women) [and people wonder why I don't date more often]

 

I explained the situation. to my daughter the other day as PG as i could, and considering it is currently her mom who is keeping herself from my daughter, i think i am in good standing.

 

But I don't really know how to approach the situation, my exes family still treat me like family, and I know i have gone waay out above and beyond, but frankly my ex must apparently be insane, and even though I know I have a good case If it ever did go to court, I know also that their are some wacked out judges out there, And considering I am not entirely sure how honest my ex could be I am concerned about her putting our daughter (and possibly her half siblings in danger)

 

again sorry for the essay, and just be glad you got the cliff notes version.

 

any suggestions /advice is appreciated.

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LucreziaBorgia
Do i have any legal recourse?

 

You won't know until you go speak to a lawyer. Bring up the words "neglect" and "child endangerment" often. I expect you could build a case, but you'd have to lay the groundwork first by seeing where you stand in this. I completely understand your concern. I'd be hiring a private detective to get some solid proof of the guy's criminal history, and talking to a lawyer about getting permanent custody, or at the very least supervised visitations when your daughter has to go to her mother's.

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I get the obligatory "he only hurts me, and would never hurt the kids" story (the exact same story she told me about her 1st husband)

But I am sorry I do not trust the guy.....

I wouldn't trust him either. It doesn't matter WHAT your ex says, because it is apparent that she continually uses bad judgement in her life by allowing men to treat her badly and allowing them into her life as if she has a revolving door on her bedroom.

 

YOU are your child's parent (and it seems like the only CLEAR-minded one at that). YOU are responsible for your child. It doesn't seem like the mother can even be responsible for her own behavior, let alone what she exposes her child to.

 

Nothing that your child sees in her mom's life is to going to teach her anything positive about self-care or good relationships. If I were you, I'd keep her away from that lifestyle. I think that it's important for a child and parent to have a relationship, but if she has to spend time with her mom, I'd say that they spend time under court-ordered supervision and AWAY from ANY boyfriends.

 

I don't care how hopped up on drugs he was , he snuck into my ex in laws house while my ex wife was asleep, and rapes her knowing she had severe gyneolgical problems , and a tumor the size of a grapefruit.
BTW, it doesn't matter if she had medical problems or not, rape is rape. It is wrong.
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I think she has very little credibility - but I am no lawyer.

 

If I were you, the only way I'd allow the mom to see the kid is in your own house. You can leave them alone there, to bond... but under no circumstances will I risk the safety and wellfare of my daughter.

 

I don't know your daughter's age, but 6 old months babies have been raped, so age has NOTHING to do with it, when you meet a disturbed person.

 

 

 

I wouldn't trust the mom with 5 bucks, nonetheless with my daughter. Some people like getting hurt. They enjoy being miserable. Dont let her drag you or your daughter in it!

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I can honestly tell you that if my EXH had done even half of the crap that your EXW has pulled on the child the 2 of you share together I would've had his butt back in court so damn fast it would've made his head spin :mad:

 

I would advise you to seek legal recourse here and if nothing else set up visitation through the courts that would make it mandatory that your EXW is supervised with your daughters visits...

 

Document everything!

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"I'd be hiring a private detective to get some solid proof of the guy's criminal history, and talking to a lawyer about getting permanent custody, or at the very least supervised visitations when your daughter has to go to her mother's."

 

Well I am currently having medical problems myself, and have recently lost my job, But I guess I do need to look into it.

 

 

"BTW, it doesn't matter if she had medical problems or not, rape is rape. It is wrong."

agreed,

it just made the whole predatory aspect stick out where the slimball preyed on the sick

 

 

"I can honestly tell you that if my EXH had done even half of the crap that your EXW has pulled on the child the 2 of you share together I would've had his butt back in court so damn fast it would've made his head spin"

 

I just can't figure her out, while we were married she worried and complained about her first ex , but then she has turned around and done all of the things she was worried her other kids father would do, (abandonment, neglect, dissapearing)

 

I could have sent her to jail on back child support, but she has been sick with that tumor and all since pretty much before we split, back in 97. Plus I just didn't like the thought of being responcible for jailing my daughters sick mom.

 

though looking back on it I wonder if i should have. I assume the jail dock would have found the tumor, and operated, unlike the medicaid fiasco that has gone on , plus it would have forcibly removed her from the company of people that used her. Though i also realize that people have to make these decisions themselves, sort of like me drawing the line. as this is just the las t straw. I had people tell me aftr her suicide attempts, not to allow unsupervised visitation, It was just all of my daughters crying, and pining for her mom, but she is 10 now and getting old enough to hopefully understand, that things are wrong. And i have done my best, and that it is in her moms hands now, especially since she was supposed to have had surgery to help her(don't know exactly what happened since she has apparently been off cavorting with the bf every time my daughter calls.

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Sorry if I reiterate anything said already. You mentioned she says "He only hurts me,not the kids", that is BS. Any child who sees their mother get hurt has great negative impact they carry through life and this alone is a legal reason to take the children into your custody. Whether they are male or female children they will have a constant battle to not repeat learned behaviors they see every day around them and more than likely will end up abusing or being abused. She is their role model.

 

A good lawyer wil pay you only if they win your case. A good website is http://www.Lawguru.com for general legal info but I strongly urge you to contact a professional one on one.

 

As much as I hate to say it, it sounds like this women is someone who will always be unconsciously seeking the violence in men. It's a pattern for her and she may be drawn to this type because she grew up around it. Someone supportive like yourself doesn't feel right because she's not used to it.

 

My girlfriend left her husband when he tried to kill her kids and broke her jaw 10 years ago. Now the daughter is with someone she won't leave who beats her. My friend took away the grandkids for their safety because she knew it was partly her fault for sticking around with abuse for so long and doesn't want it repeated. I am not trying to scare you, the other daughter she has is fine and likes decent people. But these kids you mention have a high chance of having a hard time at happiness.

 

Please keep us posted and I wish you the best of luck.

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Wow - sad situation.

 

Do what Lucrezia Borgia suggests - but I would seriously consider not letting your daughter have ANY contact with her Mother, without you being in the next room. She is insane and has insane judgment. Does she contribute anything positive at all to her daughter's life?

 

What are your daughter's feelings/opinions about her mother?

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RecordProducer

You actually need to speak to a social worker (they work for the governmental legal system, right?). You should explain the situation to the social worker and demand that the girl only sees her mother in your presence.

I am not from the U.S. but I know a woman who who got this kind of verdict: the father could see the son only in the mother's presence and when (which basically means IF) she is willing to let him.

I know laws differ amongst countries, but it is very important to have a legal worker on your side. Your ex might decide to sue you and demand custody (say, for financial reasons - bums like her do that) and you will need the social workers to support you. They also talk to the other side and get a clear picture of who is who.

Don't let your daughter be alone with her mother even for one second no matter what! She might kidnap her. You don't want your little baby raped by her BF and his father.

Even if the guy only hurts her, but would never hurt the child, it's still traumatic for her to watch her mother being beat. But I am 99% sure that both men would rape your daughter and threaten to kill her if she tells anyone. They are the bottom of the society.

Your daughter needs to see her mother here and there, but only in a healthy environment. You two go to lunch or see a movie together once in a while. That should be all, if you ask me. The mother is such a bad influence that the girl is better off without her.

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HECK NO!!!! Protect your daughter!! See a lawyer, make sure any vistation is supervised ONLY. NO WAY, NO HOW do you let a rapist anywhere near your daughter. Very sorry for your ex, but her life is not your responsibility anymore. YOUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

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RollOverRollOver

I don't know that I would necessarily believe anything she said. Even if it was a friend who told you, she could lie to anyone and it would still get back to you.

 

I really don't believe she was raped, and I am not sure why you believe it.

 

In any case, she is neurotic and is putting your daughter in unsafe situations.

You do whatever you have to do to get her out of them.

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"My girlfriend left her husband when he tried to kill her kids and broke her jaw 10 years ago. Now the daughter is with someone she won't leave who beats her. My friend took away the grandkids for their safety because she knew it was partly her fault for sticking around with abuse for so long and doesn't want it repeated. I am not trying to scare you, the other daughter she has is fine and likes decent people. But these kids you mention have a high chance of having a hard time at happiness."

 

Oh I have kept that possibility in mind for years, and doing the best i can to nurture her, and show her the value in herself that her mother seems to be devoid of.

 

" She is insane and has insane judgment. "

Its difficult to argue with her she is surprisingly intelligent, and either quick on the draw with excuses, or maby she covers all the bases before I try to talk/reason with her.

 

"Does she contribute anything positive at all to her daughter's life?"

My daughter adores her, and when she sees her regularly she seems to do well, but then she will take one of these spurts , where she dissapears/backslides, etc, and its hard on my daughter.

 

"What are your daughter's feelings/opinions about her mother?"

She absolutely adores her, and desperately wants to see her, and even now speaks about wishing we hadn't divorced, ect. but sh is starting to have doubts, she will say she doesnt wan't to call at certain times because she doesn't expect her to be home, but it also turns into crying because of it.

 

 

I don't know that I would necessarily believe anything she said. Even if it was a friend who told you, she could lie to anyone and it would still get back to you.

"True, and I have called her on it , and been given the "well no more I'm not going to do that any more" speach

 

"I really don't believe she was raped, and I am not sure why you believe it."

I saw the bruises, and when ive talked to her about it she told me not to tell her family, about it.

Which reminds me of the same thing she did about a cousin who raped her sister, and tried to rape her, but is still the "angel" of the family

 

In any case, she is neurotic and is putting your daughter in unsafe situations.

You do whatever you have to do to get her out of them.

Oh I am , If i had a clue that the bf would have been around the last visit she wouldnt have stayed.

And honestly I am sick of giving her chances, and opportunities to straighten her life out, and mature, she is 6 years older than I am and I am almost 30, So it does appear that she may not change.

 

Don't get me wrong I do believe people can change I know I have, and I believe in giving people chances,

But That doesn't mean to immediately take them at their word on it.

And it also means letting them proove themselves, and demonstrating that change.

 

Currently I am trying to figure out if i should call the mom ,and inform her of my decision, let her call me, or let my daughter call, and then talk to her, because, I honestly don't know whats going on with her and the bf(though if making educated guesses we all know) And before the last visit she was at her grandparents house, and I do trust them, but again they don't know what the bf did in their home either. Hence my consideration of playing the "if he comes around I'm telling the family Trump card".

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