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Will this be the road to estrangement... [UPDATED 2017]


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Old 20th January 2018, 9:28 PM   #226
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Originally Posted by jnel921 View Post
LWP....

Thanks for your post. I felt the power of your post and felt the kindness of your heart through your virtual hug. Thank you. It made me cry.

Yes this has been very hard. Rock bottom? I am not sure what that is anymore. As long as my D is involved with that BF of hers and his dysfunctional family I am afraid she will never learn what real responsibility and respect is.

I can only continue on in my own life surrounded by the people who love me and like being in my presence. It hurts that total estrangement doesn't seem so far off.

I was reading an article where the person was noting the top reasons kids become estranged from their parents as they grow older.

The first was communication. He noted that as parents we spend a lot of time shepherding our kids trying to show them how to be and what to do and as parents we look at this as helping them. However as kids get older and this is not translated that way. They see it more as control and not being able to do what it is that they want to do.

The second was acceptance. As parents we shouldn't question our kids or second guess their decisions as we need to show that we have trust in the things they do.

I would agree with all of this if my own D didn't take for granted all that we did for her and didn't appreciate any of it.

Communication works when it goes both ways and each side is willing to listen.

I cant accept and support disrespect, abuse and the terrible behavior. No parent should have to suffer at the hands of their own kids but they do.

In the beginning when I started to write this post a lot of people thought I had the issue, what is the big deal with smoking...blah blah blah. and here we are... all this time later and nothing has changed. Even accepting the fact that she smoked and asking her to keep it away from my home and vehicles was a problem for her. She wants everything I can give her except my love and a real relationship. I didn't bring her into this world to be treated like this.

Perhaps one day when she is staring down at her own D she will realize the love I had for her and how she messed that all up with her selfishness. She will have to live with that and hopefully her own D wont betray her too.
You need to understand that article better. It is exactly right. The part that you ended, the bolded, needs addressing.

You brought your daughter into the world. She didnt ask to be born. Everything you did for her, you were supposed to do for her. She is your child, and everything you did was because you loved her and thought it was best for her.

If she takes it for granted, if she doesnt appreciate it, thats on her. You cant make her say what you think she should say. You did for her because you wanted to. Because you brought her into this world, it was your responsibility. She doesnt have to show appreciation for that. Would be nice if she would, but she doesnt have to.

From here on in, you have to make decisions regarding her based on what you want to do. Not that you want appreciation, because you may never get that. Your expectations are unreasonable. She is now old enough to be on her own, let her do that. Stop the yo yo back home and then gone again. Stop giving her the car. Youve' done what you were supposed to do, you raised her the best you could. Now its up to her. The second part of the article, the acceptance, you dont seem to be able to do. You need to work on it more. Stop the controlling, the telling her what to do. Accept her, accept her decisions, as long as they dont impact you negatively. Let her go.
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Old 21st January 2018, 12:52 AM   #227
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[QUOTE=From here on in, you have to make decisions regarding her based on what you want to do. Not that you want appreciation, because you may never get that. Your expectations are unreasonable. She is now old enough to be on her own, let her do that. Stop the yo yo back home and then gone again. Stop giving her the car. Youve' done what you were supposed to do, you raised her the best you could. Now its up to her. The second part of the article, the acceptance, you dont seem to be able to do. You need to work on it more. Stop the controlling, the telling her what to do. Accept her, accept her decisions, as long as they dont impact you negatively. Let her go.[/QUOTE]

Yes... I get it. But what do I want? To be respected and I am not getting this no matter what I have done. And you are right this yo yo thing has to stop. Its either here or there.

I may have to let her go. I want no part of the BF. I don't want him in my car, or home. Not after the disrespect.

I helped her and her actions did impact me and this is a problem. Because she did not care enough to consider my feelings.

I cant say I agree with our children not having to appreciate. As adults we realize how hard some of our families worked to encourage and help us along our journey as we grow. This is where I guess character kicks in. You are appreciative or entitled. The second of which is not the best way to be. But seems to be the attitude of a lot of our younger adults.

I have found that estrangement is happening more and more. Its a shame.
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Old 21st January 2018, 2:05 AM   #228
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Originally Posted by jnel921 View Post
LWP....

Thanks for your post. I felt the power of your post and felt the kindness of your heart through your virtual hug. Thank you. It made me cry.

Yes this has been very hard. Rock bottom? I am not sure what that is anymore. As long as my D is involved with that BF of hers and his dysfunctional family I am afraid she will never learn what real responsibility and respect is.

I can only continue on in my own life surrounded by the people who love me and like being in my presence. It hurts that total estrangement doesn't seem so far off.

I was reading an article where the person was noting the top reasons kids become estranged from their parents as they grow older.

The first was communication. He noted that as parents we spend a lot of time shepherding our kids trying to show them how to be and what to do and as parents we look at this as helping them. However as kids get older and this is not translated that way. They see it more as control and not being able to do what it is that they want to do.

The second was acceptance. As parents we shouldn't question our kids or second guess their decisions as we need to show that we have trust in the things they do.

I would agree with all of this if my own D didn't take for granted all that we did for her and didn't appreciate any of it.

Communication works when it goes both ways and each side is willing to listen.

I cant accept and support disrespect, abuse and the terrible behavior. No parent should have to suffer at the hands of their own kids but they do.

In the beginning when I started to write this post a lot of people thought I had the issue, what is the big deal with smoking...blah blah blah. and here we are... all this time later and nothing has changed. Even accepting the fact that she smoked and asking her to keep it away from my home and vehicles was a problem for her. She wants everything I can give her except my love and a real relationship. I didn't bring her into this world to be treated like this.

Perhaps one day when she is staring down at her own D she will realize the love I had for her and how she messed that all up with her selfishness. She will have to live with that and hopefully her own D wont betray her too.
jnel, I read your post earlier but wanted to take some time to think about it before responding. I'm thankful my post to you gave you a few moments of comfort.

I know you (and your H) must feel very much alone in this situation but rest assured what you're going through with you D is more common than most people realize. I know many people who are going through similar things with a child.

I have learned, sometimes the hard way, that one of the best ways of keeping the relationship with my children strong (besides praying about it which is huge, it is what fuels my R with my children) is in not offering advice unless asked. Rarely do my children ask and just about every time I talk with one of them I think of something I could tell them that would really help them out.

However, were I in anyway financially supporting any one of my children I would also be advising them on some things, and did until they were totally on their own.

With your own daughter, I believe you are wise not to allow her to use your car and at this point, I think you're wise not to allow her to live in your house until she can demonstrate over a long period of time a change in attitude.

Since your daughter is taking for granted what you've done for her, I would stop doing anything for her. When she begins to show appreciation then I would begin to help her again.

I agree with you about not approving with your daughter smoking.

All of this said, for me, and I don't mean to preach but it is the most powerful thing that has affected the lives of my children and my relationship with them, is consistent and earnest daily prayers for them. The more detailed my prayers are for them, it seems the more I can see answers to the prayers.

However, I know there are things that discourage all of us from praying for our kids, one of them being not seeing results. But, it takes time for God to effect change in lives. And I if you ask God for encouragement to continue praying, He'll send it to you, amazingly!

As for the concern you have about your daughter becoming estranged from you, I believe it's quite common for children to become estranged from their parents for a time. I've seen it quite a bit and usually it's temporary. Again, prayer will get you through it and also work on her heart and mind to cause her to desire to restart the R with you.

Last edited by LivingWaterPlease; 21st January 2018 at 2:07 AM..
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Old 21st January 2018, 2:16 PM   #229
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You seem to think you can buy respect. You cant. Doing for her, giving her what she wants, will not give you her respect. It seems the one over riding theme of this thread. You want her respect and appreciation. You think you deserve it. Unfortunately its nothing you can control.

Until you respect yourself, dont expect it from her.
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Old 21st January 2018, 5:08 PM   #230
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You seem to think you can buy respect. You cant. Doing for her, giving her what she wants, will not give you her respect. It seems the one over riding theme of this thread. You want her respect and appreciation. You think you deserve it. Unfortunately its nothing you can control.

Until you respect yourself, dont expect it from her.
I allowed her back in my home. I haven't bought her anything. I have given her opportunities to try and show something. To try and earn but that she has taken advantage of. How can I not react to that? I cant control that.

She cant do whatever she wants. Which is why I take things away and she has a tantrum like a 5 year old.

Its like me telling her I am renting her room out to her worst enemy but allowing this person to have full use of all of her belongings and the best part is that I am getting paid and she just better deal with it. Its abuse and disrespect.

I think the theme of my thread has always been my concern about her choices, how they have affected her life and the treatment that I have been given despite my good intensions as a mother. Regardless of what I have said or done she still has done whatever she wants to do with great disregard to my own feelings. We felt the best place for her was with us and she wanted to be back home.

For this to happen I compromised my integrity and health to help her. She is my D. I don't put up with everything she does. There are consequences.
The biggest problem since she was 12 is that she doesn't believe there should be any for her. She has mental health issues and this just adds to it all. When you lack empathy this is what happens.

She needs help. When she accepts that life is difficult and decides something needs to happen differently then maybe things can change.

Right now it doesn't matter how she feels or what she says about me. I can't care anymore. Because I know that she has deep anger issues inside to resolve. All I can do is pray for now and leave it in gods hands. I am not chasing her or begging her to be home. She needs to understand her own pain and come to terms about how she will deal with life like we all do.
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Old 21st January 2018, 5:20 PM   #231
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LWP.... thank you again for your words.

Yes I do pray for my daughter everyday. I even pray to my family who already are in heaven to watch over her and her actions as well.

I do believe that God has done some positive things in my life regardless of this situation I do feel blessed.

I know that he has to work on her heart for her to see things and feel differently. I want her to be healthy and happy. I wanted a better relationship between us. I am working on myself too. Trying to find better tools to help me with this.

I belong to an online forum that is concentrated on these types of issues so I know that I am not alone and there are parents going through worse things than me. I am grateful for being in the position I am in with the hopes that maybe things can change. If it doesn't I can at least say that I tried.

Thank you again for keeping us in your prayers. I do appreciate it.
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Old 27th January 2018, 3:14 PM   #232
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She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which makes her unable to feel empathy. Unable to control her emotions. So everything she does is without remorse and aimed to hurt.

I have tried to talk to her about therapy. The last time she said yes but she is barely here and gets into too many fights where she has left my home for me to even know when to make an appointment for her.

I am at my wits end with all of this. Not speaking to her and staying away is the only thing I can do for now. she has already told me she hates being here. She called me unspeakable names. Said she hated me. I ruined her. What else is left?
Oh wow. I just came back to read updates on this thread as I haven't looked at it in months and was shocked to see that your daughter was diagnosed with BDP. That really changes everything.

There are specific ways to deal with a person with BPD and you are not employing those ways AT ALL.

Why are you not researching that particular mental illness and learning how to deal with it? The very first thing you need to do is get yourself a book titled "Stop Walking on Eggshells" It's a book about borderline personality disorder and how to cope with loved ones who have it. It's explains what the person with bpd is feeling and why they act the way they do. It's not too technical and it's easy to read.

Everything you are doing right now is the exact wrong wrong way to deal with BPD. More than anything in the world, people with BPD want to feel heard and validated. Telling them that their feelings are wrong, that they are bad, that they are being unreasonable, that their thoughts are stupid, etc, are the exact things that just wind them up more and make them lash out and act crazy.

Having being involved for several years with a man with BPD, I can understand first hand how crazy it sounds and feels to try to validate someones feelings and words when everything they say sounds so ridiculous, untrue and selfish. It goes against everything we want to say and do, yet it really does help to diffuse certain situations, bring calm and stop things from escalating even further.

However validating someones feelings doesn't mean you cave to their demands or accept unacceptable treatment. It just means that you accept that the person with BPD feels the way they feel and you acknowledge those feelings. You don't argue, defend or verbally attack back. There's a lot more to it then just that but it's too much to try to explain here. I'm surprised that knowing that your daughter has Borderline Personality Disorder, you haven't already thrown yourself into learning all about it to help both of you cope.

All that being said, you should also keep a healthy skepticism regarding that diagnosis as for years most people thought only young women had BPD. Why? Well because the hallmarks of BPD is drama and emotional immaturity which many girls and very young women exhibit both. BPD is essentially being severely emotionally stunted, so a lot of young girls who have been diagnosed with BPD were just extremely immature and slow to bloom into adulthood but they eventually caught up and by the time they were around 30 they became pretty much like everyone else which probably means they never had BPD in the first place because BPD is mostly incurable without years of extensive therapy. Nonetheless, at this point, your daughter is experiencing life in the same way a person with BPD experiences life and she should be treated as such regardless if she is going to grow out of this later on.

Please get busy doing some research and practicing some new techniques, not only for her but to save your own sanity. You are coming at this all wrong.
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Old 31st January 2018, 11:34 PM   #233
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Thank you Anika99. I have read up on the behaviors but no I have not read up on how to handle. I do belong to another forum which is mostly for people with or related to persons with personality disorders.

I want to have a better relationship with my D. I am trying to schedule family counseling. Hopefully this will help and will provide us the tools we need to handle her better.
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Old 10th March 2018, 3:18 PM   #234
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Update...

Trying to get family counseling has been an uphill battle. For whatever reason therapists have either rejected my insurance or are not taking new patients. My BF who is a therapists tells me this often happens because the amount of money vs. the amount of people you are treating is not worth it.

I of course became upset with my friend and told her that there are people out there with real problems and if this is what is causing a delay then why be in the profession. I thought counselors wanted to help people. Apparently not. She said she wasn't this way and often times bartered with patients but I am at my wits end.

Right now my D is working her FT job at the daycare without issue. However she is still with the BF who influences her behavior and has caused her to continue to lie and do things we don't care for.

Right now she is only allowed to use my car to go to work and back. Anything else she does after work or on the weekends she has to arrange herself. I have also asked her to allow me gps access during the time she uses my car to make sure my car isn't anywhere else it shouldn't be.

This week she decided to turn it off which caused an argument. I told her to leave my key downstairs where I can see them when she isn't home and she handed me a key where the chip was missing. I became really upset, we got into an argument and she tells me that her BF broke my car keys.

However there was no apology, no offers to replace. Only nastiness. She was locked in her room where she was screaming at me threating to come out and hit me. At that point I told her she wasn't using my car and she needs to make other living arrangements.

I cant deal with this. I tried. I cant trust her and I cant believe this is who I gave life to.

If I could go back in time not sure what I could have changed to prevent all of this. But I wish I could. Not a great way to live right now.
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Old 14th March 2018, 1:46 AM   #235
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She still hasn't hit her rock bottom to want to change her ways.

Love her but protect your heart.

Take care of you now and hope some day she'll wake up and life a healthier and honest life again.
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Old 15th March 2018, 7:38 PM   #236
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Unhappy I have hit my rock bottom...

I cant do anything else for her anymore. She left Saturday and hasn't been home since. She called me to argue. Told me it was too bad what happened to my car keys . stuff happens and she isn't sorry for anything.

She said she was tired of us and didn't want to come back all she wants is the car. But I said no. She called me a name started cursing and told me that I was the worst parent and that she wouldn't wish me on anyone.

I hung up on her and haven't spoken to her since. SMH...
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