What is your parenting philosophy?

[Tamed Wildflower]

Those of you who are parents, or think you might become parents one day:

 

What is your parenting philosophy? What sorts of principles guide your parenting behavior? Are you aiming to instill anything in your children? Make them independent? Teach them something? Give them a set of morals? Or maybe help them develop their own set of morals? Or maybe just getting them through the routine of daily life is enough?

 

Have any of you developed a parenting philosophy before becoming parents? Has it changed in the course of your experience trying to raise your child or children?

 

Do most people have a philosophy that they have thought through and can articulate, or is it for most people a kind of "go with your gut", do-what-your-parents-did sort of process?

 

Just wondering.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I make a point to check myself if I find myself doing things my parents did that resulted in negative consequences for me later in life. They tried so hard to prevent me from making the mistakes they did in their lives that they led me right into them.

 

With my daughter, I try to not let my mistakes or successes in life become the map for how I parent. I want her to become her own person, not a reflection of all that came before her. My husband and I are breaking the cycle of dysfunction that we were borne from. Our parenting is unorthodox to most, but I find that 'orthodox' often means 'perpetuating negativity and prejudices'. She knows about swear words and when/where/how they are used and not used, she knows about sex/dating - and we are honest with her. We answer her questions on a level she can understand and we do not censor or restrict in our answers. A good deal of parents would rather hide a lot of that from their kids, refuse to discuss it or pass it off at 'taboo' or 'bad', but we don't do that.

 

We go by the golden rule mostly, we are not religious - though my husband comes from a Christian background, and I from a Jewish background. Even though we aren't religious, we find that there are universal lessons from both religions that can be used as example. We take lessons from all beliefs and faiths - and we let our daughter form her own preferences for what she wants to believe. I strongly feel you can be moral and ethical without having to be religious - so we try to find moral and ethical lessons in things other than religion. We don't restrict or prejudice her beliefs. She likes Veggie Tales, and she likes Bible stories. Her beliefs are different than mine, and I am happy for that. We give her a variety of tools, and with them she builds her own structure with our guidance and support.

 

For discipline, we mirror the methods used in her classroom, and reinforce them at home. The consistency really helps for both home and school, and the systems used in her classrooms thus far have really helped her.

 

As for social situations, she is in a weird spot. She is different from the other kids. She has an enlightened view on life that sets her apart from the 'cliques' here in the deep Bible Belt south. She doesn't care about cliques, and has no desire to be like the other kids. She doesn't like stuff because 'other kids do' - she likes the things she likes with no input or influence from peer groups. Her friends like Britney/Ashlee, she likes They Might Be Giants, for instance. She just wants to be herself and when she finds kids that appreciate and understand that, she befriends them. She is friendly and open to everyone. Even the kids she senses aren't going to be friendly back - she's more reserved but still friendly.

 

The other kids (the Queen Bee's and Clique Queens) are invisible to her. That is both good and bad, but I've already headed off a few situations. One girl in particular was giving her a hard time, and I explained that when someone attacks you, they are attacking what they lack in themselves and see inside you. She feels sorry for girls that do stuff like that. I feel sorry for them when they cross her path when she gets older! She's a lot like me, except that while she copes with understanding and a bit of distance, I would just beat people up who tried to bully me - stomped many an ass into the ground in my time. I am glad that she isn't like me in that respect - she understands self-protection/defense and can take care of herself, so that's a good thing. Should she want to drop into a clique and become like "everyone else" - I wouldn't prevent that either, as much as it would pain me to see.

 

I guess my philosophy would be best said "destroy the past, and use the pieces to build a better future". I have abandoned all that my parents taught me (both directly and the inadvertent lessons I learned through their abuse). Raising my own child has taught me a lot about myself, and has helped me to put to rest some of the demons from my past.

[Tamed Wildflower]

Sounds like you are doing an awesome job with your daughter on a lot of levels (sexually, religiously, morally, socially). I can tell you are raising a self-assured, self-respecting, well-adjusted young woman!

I admire your honesty toward her, and your willingness to allow her to be an independent person, even if it means that her ideas are different from yours.

 

 

Any other ideas from anyone else?

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I am not a parent, but if I were to become one, I think i would use a modified version of how my parents raised me, adopting what they did right, correcting the mistakes that they made, and avoiding some of the really big whoppers that I saw my friends' parents make at all costs. I would also try to impart some things I have learned in my own life, that I think might be of use growing up. These are a few of things I think I would try to communicate to my son or daughter.

 

Discipline:

One overriding rule: ALWAYS keep me informed on what you are up to, where you are, where you are going, and (generally) what you are doing. If I have a problem with it (such as your not having done your homework, or if I think it is dangerous or ill-advised), I'll let you know. If you want to be out until midnight (if a teen, for example - not as an infant or pre-adolescent of course), tell me, and if there is a decent reason, I probably won't have a problem with it. I'm not going to impose a lot of silly restrictions on you unless you show me that you can't handle the freedom and that it is necessary. You don't want to show me that. Never EVER start a fight at school (except under very limited circumstances) or bully anyone, because bully's suck. Show respect for your teachers - if they don't show you respect, tell ME about it. If someone ever starts a fight with you by hitting you physically, WIN, and make them remember - understanding that there will be consequences such as detention or suspension, but that is a part of life - it won't be fair, but that is also part of life. If someone isn't nice to you, try to understand why, and know that it probably has to do with their own insecurities and that they don't think too much of themselves, so it really isn't worth fighting about. If someone at school just won't stop picking on you and you can't ignore it or it gets really hurtful, tell me, and *I* will tell your teacher about it and ask them to handle it discreetly if I think based on what you have told me (and I want you to tell me about all your teachers in great detail) that your teacher is a decent human being (you don't need to be a snitch, go through me). If the teacher does not handle it, you may need to beat the crap out of them next time they pick on you or try to take your lunch money, but ask me first. This is a bad thing, and means you have failed to solve the problem by better means, but on rare occasions... Also understand, that there will be consequences and you will have to bear them, but as above, that is a part of life. Always tell me the truth, and I will help you deal with absolutely anything, no matter what, no matter how bad.

 

Morals:

Pretty simple. Golden rule. Always treat others how you would want to be treated. When you fail to do that, think about what you have done wrong, acknowledge the mistake, and learn from it. When others mistreat you, keep it in mind so that you can take precautions that it does not happen again. Fool you once, shame on them, fool you twice, shame on you. Learn from your mistakes, and use them to try to be a better person. Never judge someone else until you have walked a mile in their shoes. Have compassion for others who are down on their luck or who have fallen on hard times, and even for those who through their own stupidity have screwed up their own lives - because we all make mistakes, and there but for the grace of God go YOU! Be good to the weaker (old, disabled), since it's the right thing to do, and someday, you may be one of them. Always remember that life is half skill and half luck. All you can do to maximize your luck is to apply the skills you have in the best way you know how. Regrets are pointless, even though we all have them, but try not to have too many. If you wrong someone, apologize, and mean it. If you give your word, keep it, even if doing so sucks - it is one of the only things in life that is truly yours, along with your integrity. Speak the truth. Lying is not only bad, but it creates all kinds of problems, because you have to cover it with more lies, and eventually there are so many lies everywhere, even you will have trouble trying to figure out what the truth is. The truth is usually easier anyway, and most lies only postpone whatever bad things the truth may bring, even when it isn't easier.

 

Sexuality:

Please don't get pregnant or get anyone else pregnant at a young age, as it will seriously screw up your life, and ruin plans you may have for the future (not to mention cause me and your mom a world of grief we do not deserve). I would rather you don't have sex at a young age (and all the reasons for that would be explained), but if you are going to, I understand there isn't much I can do, and I will trust you to at least TELL ME, and once you let me know, *I* will buy the condoms and/or birth control pills (and yes, I will give you a talk about it or try to talk you out of it, but that is my job as a parent, and it's your job to listen and then make the decision for yourself since I'm smart enough to know I can't really control that anyway). I was young once too, but try to be responsible, and always be safe because there are lots of horribly scary diseases out there (that means using a condom or making sure he does when and if you do decide to have sex with someone).

 

Love:

The most important thing about any relationship you may find yourself in, is that the other person must respect you and feel the same way about you, as you do about them (which should be pretty damned good, or you shouldn't be in the relationship in the first place). If that isn't there, cut your losses and move on. You need respect, love and trust. Any two without the third makes it hard to leave the relationship, but you need to do it anyway. Oh, and stay away from married people. I think I would also tell them what I have figured out about love so far, which while it isn't much, is too long to retype here. Treat your partner how you would want them to treat you, and be careful to listen as much or more than you talk.

 

 

Social skills:

Be open, outgoing, and friendly with others, but avoid cliques whenever possible (along with explanation about what cliques are). Do randomly nice things for people just because you can. Make new friends when you can. If people wrong you, give everyone a second chance, without even having a reason to do so, but give no one a third chance, unless you DO have a good reason to do so (and sometimes you will). If someone isn't too popular, look at the reasons why, and if you don't like the reasons why, be their friend anyway. Take note of who your real friends and who your fair weather friends are. Both are fun to hang out with, but the fair weather friends will not be there if you ever really need them (there are small things you can look for to determine who those friends are).

 

Religion:

I left out a discusson of religion, because everybody's is different.

 

 

Ok, like I said, I'm not a parent, but if I were to become one, that is some of what I would try to get across to my kids. Feel free to make suggestions or disagree.

[Mz. Pixie]

Like Lucrecia I have tried to break the bonds of the dysfunction that I grew up in and I have.

 

I try to be consistent in everything that I do- I expect my children to behave in public and reasonably at home- but they are allowed to behave like kids. I pick my battles- food is not one of them. I pretty much allow them to eat what they like- as long it's not candy for dinner. I just will not fight about food- I think it creates a negative body image for alot of kids. I want them to be happy. I tell them that they can do anything that they set their minds to- they are both smart- and I celebrate that with them and try to build up their self esteem without being wimpy about it. I take them to church and as a result of that they both asked questions about God at a young age. I teach them morals, right from wrong. I never say, Shut up or you're stupid. I've never slapped either of my children. I have paddled their bottoms if the situation were extreme and they needed it.

 

With my son I have told him never to start a fight but that if someone hits you first to defend yourself. He was very curious when I was pregnant with his sister and he was five, so I explained how the baby came out. This year, he's almost nine and he was asking questions about sex- so I sat him down and explained it. I don't want him to ever feel there is a subject that he cannot discuss with me. I've told him that it's not good for adults to ask children to keep secrets, told him about good and bad touching. I expect to follow the same with his sister. I want him to feel that if he's at a party drinking, that he can always call mom to come get him rather than drive.

 

I tell them everyday that they are precious to me, that I love them, that I love being their mom, that they are the best things in my life. I kiss and hug them ALOT. I try to keep my son busy doing things so that he doesn't get bored and get into trouble- sports, church, etc.

[jade_nc]

i never thought of parenting in terms of a specific philosophy.

 

we try to teach our children to respect themselves and everyone else. alot of the golden rule comes in to play with that.

 

as far as sexuality and their body - we teach them not to be embarrassed of their body. (my mother hates this) we teach them that burping and passing gas is natural so they don't ask to be "excused" for it.

 

we answer any and all questions that they have about everything as directly and honestly as possible. giving them too much info can only confuse them more.

 

but as far as discipline, everyone is different.....and so are our children. what works with one does not always work with the other.

 

my daughter is a very sensitive and insightful young girl. she realizes that her actions impact others and has an inate sense of responsibility to others feelings.....so when she makes a mistake, she comes and tells us immediately. when her behavior is unacceptable and deems punishment the only thing that makes an impact is separation from her friends.

 

our 7yr old son is completely different. there are no priviledge losses (even friends) that work with him. and he will look you straight in the face after loosing every priviledge he has and say "so". much more difficult to make an impact with him that his behavior needs to change. we've had some sucess with manual labor, and writing letters of apology.

 

our 2yr old thinks everything you say and do is funny. so when trying to tell him that it isn't acceptable to throw things at other people, or hit other people with objects he laughs. only thing that works there is physically removing him from the situation and isolating him for 2-3mins.

 

i've read several of the how to's of parenting books, on-line advice, magazines, etc. what's age appropriate, what's not, proper techniques for discipline, social integration, sexuality......and on and on and on. sometimes they work. sometimes they don't......and that's because they are all different.

[roygbiv]

now that we've all helped you with your homework assignment....

 

shouldn't you be interviewing real people

[Tamed Wildflower]

Originally posted by roygbiv

now that we've all helped you with your homework assignment....

 

shouldn't you be interviewing real people

Ha!!! It wasn't a homework assignment! I was asking because I am interested in the way people parent, and the thinking behind their parenting decisions. It's something I think about when looking back at the way my parents raised me, and when thinking about how I might want to raise my own children when I have them in maybe another 8 years or so.

 

The people on loveshack ARE real people, silly! But if you mean asking people I know in "real life", yes, I do ask people about this.

 

"real life"... I've always thought this a funny misnomer, as if online communication is not a real part of life.