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My Step-Daughter


MrCongeniality

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MrCongeniality

My step daughter and I don't get a long and never have not even since she was a child. I think she's a punk and has zero respect for me. She always screams "Your not my dad so don't act like it!" I can't stand when people say I have four kids when I have three I always have to remind people she's not my kid. Besides she doesn't even have my last name.

 

I really don't like her she's been arrested for graffiti multiple times and calls it art. It's not art it's vandalism. I swear she's nothing but a disrespectful punk and I hate that people think we're related.

 

All that brat does is give me dirty looks and insults me. Yet her mother always defends her. I swear she's probably going to end up in prison like her real dad. She's completely irresponsible and always has her head in the clouds. She is always saying she's going to be an artist or some nonsense like that she has no goals or desires to get a real job.

 

I feel she's a lost cause.

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So??? What does that have to do with us??

 

If i react on this i would say you were the adult here but you are so negative. I guess it reflected in your body language from the day you met

her so she may have give you same treatment back.

 

She is not yours but you seem pretty much busy with her.

 

If its not positive let it go.

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MrCongeniality
So??? What does that have to do with us??

 

If i react on this i would say you were the adult here but you are so negative. I guess it reflected in your body language from the day you met

her so she may have give you same treatment back.

 

She is not yours but you seem pretty much busy with her.

 

If its not positive let it go.

I'm just looking for advice on how to deal with her.

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I just give you advice. Change your attitude! And the rest will follow.

If you cant have a normal relationship with her, you can never reach her to parenting her.

 

Ps: how old is she?

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How to deal with her?

 

She tells you to not act like her father, but at the same time you disown her in public. This contradiction sounds like you're trying to lay down the law without actually providing the love, support and affirmation which needs to go alongside the discipline/guidance. A child cannot be raised without a healthy balance of both.

 

If you are going to disown her as your daughter, then don't presume you have a right to tell her what you think of the negatives.

 

And I suggest you pull your head in regarding her desire to have a career in art. What about Web Design? Fashion? Architecture? Visual Effects? Art Teacher? Photography? There are a heap of jobs out there for those who have a feel for art.

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MrCongeniality
I just give you advice. Change your attitude! And the rest will follow.

If you cant have a normal relationship with her, you can never reach her to parenting her.

 

Ps: how old is she?

She's 14 but has been arrested for graffiti at least three times and has had to do community service.

How to deal with her?

 

She tells you to not act like her father, but at the same time you disown her in public. This contradiction sounds like you're trying to lay down the law without actually providing the love, support and affirmation which needs to go alongside the discipline/guidance. A child cannot be raised without a healthy balance of both.

 

If you are going to disown her as your daughter, then don't presume you have a right to tell her what you think of the negatives.

 

And I suggest you pull your head in regarding her desire to have a career in art. What about Web Design? Fashion? Architecture? Visual Effects? Art Teacher? Photography? There are a heap of jobs out there for those who have a feel for art.

I cant disown her because she's not my daughter. Your right she tells me not to act like her father so I don't. I tried multiple times to reach her and all she would do was either kick me or stick her tongue out. She's never been any different. I've tried being loving and clearly she doesn't want that so I don't bother. Also most of those jobs would mean she would have to go to college and her average is typically straight C's.

Edited by MrCongeniality
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As step- adult you will always be the enemy first day you enter

a childs life. Its up to you how things will go at the end.

 

If you dont handle it well you will never "win" the childs respect.

 

I think in this you went to war with her once you saw it ddnt click.

Instead of try to build a friendship and to enter her life with respect for her feelings and not trying to replace anyone in her life.

 

As i said you are the adult you should know better.

Now that she is 14 it will be much harder for you to reach her.

Maybe she is doing all this bad stuff because of how you treat her?!

How you act reflects also on your other kids as a example. And reminds all 4 that she

is not part of the family.

 

You choose for a men with a child so you should accept and respect his child too.

 

Stop breaking her down. Its so horrible! Its a child!

And like someone said, she can be a lot of things doing art. Creativity is her thing.

Yet you here bashing her dreams again.

How can one respect or be happy with a step mom like that?

This is not a fight that you have to win. You are a grown up person she is a child

reacting on what comes her way the best she knows. You should set the example!

 

You need to remember that you are the adult. She is a child and was a child when you met her. You should know better! You as a stranger came in to her world and

it turns out also that you are doing exactly the things people aspect from step parents.

That they are mean etc.

You need to restore your relationship with her, with more love, less talking, more listening, and let her know and feel part of the family. Have one on one ,heart to heart conversation with her and apologize for your part, and talk about moving forward and let her know you do care.

And support her in her good things, help her find the right school for arts etc.

Step up as a adult, before you lose her completely.

 

Ask yourself, if i was a kid and i was in her situation how would i feel and how would i

like my stepmom to be? Would you even love to come home everyday?

Step up before she starts not coming home and do much bigger stuff. Find something

that she likes and go with her and talk and see how she feels and thinks. And LISTEN to what she saying. If you dont know how to do this, find a therapist to help you, there are also books that you can read.

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MrCongeniality
As step- adult you will always be the enemy first day you enter

a childs life. Its up to you how things will go at the end.

 

If you dont handle it well you will never "win" the childs respect.

 

I think in this you went to war with her once you saw it ddnt click.

Instead of try to build a friendship and to enter her life with respect for her feelings and not trying to replace anyone in her life.

 

As i said you are the adult you should know better.

Now that she is 14 it will be much harder for you to reach her.

Maybe she is doing all this bad stuff because of how you treat her?!

How you act reflects also on your other kids as a example. And reminds all 4 that she

is not part of the family.

 

You choose for a men with a child so you should accept and respect his child too.

 

Stop breaking her down. Its so horrible! Its a child!

And like someone said, she can be a lot of things doing art. Creativity is her thing.

Yet you here bashing her dreams again.

How can one respect or be happy with a step mom like that?

This is not a fight that you have to win. You are a grown up person she is a child

reacting on what comes her way the best she knows. You should set the example!

 

You need to remember that you are the adult. She is a child and was a child when you met her. You should know better! You as a stranger came in to her world and

it turns out also that you are doing exactly the things people aspect from step parents.

That they are mean etc.

You need to restore your relationship with her, with more love, less talking, more listening, and let her know and feel part of the family. Have one on one ,heart to heart conversation with her and apologize for your part, and talk about moving forward and let her know you do care.

And support her in her good things, help her find the right school for arts etc.

Step up as a adult, before you lose her completely.

 

Ask yourself, if i was a kid and i was in her situation how would i feel and how would i

like my stepmom to be? Would you even love to come home everyday?

Step up before she starts not coming home and do much bigger stuff. Find something

that she likes and go with her and talk and see how she feels and thinks. And LISTEN to what she saying. If you dont know how to do this, find a therapist to help you, there are also books that you can read.

I don't have to imagine I know. I have a step mother and when I first met her I was very young. She made it clear that she was not my mother and I was not her son. Her motto was if "You don't take the carrot you get the stick."

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You're wife has talked about that daughter on here too. I feel really bad for the girl. She has been exposed to too much and her mother hasn't properly guided her because mom is no mature than a teenager herself. Now I read that you hate the girl and go out of your way to make sure people know that she isn't related to you. This poor little girl. Yeah I know she is a teen with a big mouth and a bad attitude, but at fourteen there is still a little girl inside of her who desperately longs for love and guidance. Between you and her mother she is going to so many issues when she grows up.

 

You cannot effectively parent her because you hate her and she knows it. She will never be receptive to anything you have to say as long as you have all of this hostility towards her. I know she has hostility towards you too but I can tell you, from reading your wife's threads, that your wife is behind a lot of the disrespect her daughter shows you. The poor girl has been taught some terrible lessons and it's not her fault.

 

I think you should step aside when it comes to disciplining this girl. Your heart is not in a good place when it comes to her and therefore any rules or punishment coming from you is just going to feed the hate you have for each other. No teen likes being told what to do or being punished but they can accept it when they know it's coming from a place of love and true concern for their wellbeing. That is not the case for you so all the parenting of this girl needs to be removed from your plate.

 

The best you can do is too let her mother handle her and you just treat her as a roommate who shares your house. Maybe when you stop regarding her as your horrid stepdaughter who you can't force into compliance and instead you just look at her like a fellow human being you will be able to find something likeable about her and from that maybe a little seed of understanding and friendship can grow.

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She's 14 but has been arrested for graffiti at least three times and has had to do community service.

 

I cant disown her because she's not my daughter. Your right she tells me not to act like her father so I don't. I tried multiple times to reach her and all she would do was either kick me or stick her tongue out. She's never been any different. I've tried being loving and clearly she doesn't want that so I don't bother. Also most of those jobs would mean she would have to go to college and her average is typically straight C's.

 

How about starting by being available to her? And showing her that no matter how much she tries to push you away, you will still be there for her?

 

Have you considered that if you if her passion for art was encouraged, she might become more interested in school and do better? And even if she doesn't, there's no reason she can't catch up later through adult education. At present, you've written her off so why would she feel like she's capable of doing anything?

 

I'd lay money that a lot of her behaviour is attention seeking. Her mother said in a recent post that she reads with her kids "occasionally". Occasionally isn't enough. And while she's too old to be read to now, she's not too old for lots of other mother daughter activities.

 

As spiky as she is, this girl needs love and nurturing.

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mrs rubble

I totally agree with the other posters.

Your attitude isn't helping the situation one bit.

I understand what it's like to be a step-parent and I also know what it's like to have an out of control teen on your hands. It's an absolute nightmare, (my son dabbled in drugs, threatened people with knives, ran away, hung out with theives) but someone really does need to nuture this girl and encourage her or she will end up in a bad place.

My out of control teen has completely regained all of his marbles in the last 18months, and that's only because I was consistent with my encouragement of him and firm in my expectations and praised every last little thing he did right and talked to him all the time, even if he only grunted back at me. I also asked for help from any and every communtiy youth scheme I could find, took him to a psychologist (who diagnosed PTSD- aresult of his father's abuse) and we got to know the local police well. Today he's a joy to be around.

I feel a huge sense of accomplishment by getting him and I through his rebellion in tact, my workmate just last week praised me on how well I'd managed and how much I'd acheived with him.

Also art is definetely a valid career- my parents tried to discourage my eldest son from his intrest in Art and do "something more solid". I told him to ignore them and follow what he wanted to do. He now has a degree in Graphic design (he was only ever an average student at age 14) and was offered 3 different jobs when he graduated. He's been working as an animator for the last year and a half.

 

Please don't give up on your step daughter, if you can help her through this you'll both reap the rewards.

Try to veiw her in a different light, try to notice her good points and offer her positive reinforcement. I'm sure you'll notice a difference in her if you try this.

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I love Mrs Rubble's post.

 

It's also important to remember that your step daughter has been raised by a mother who had dysfunctional parents and you were raised by a step mother who threatened to remove her love if you had any glitches with her.

 

I'd strongly suggest family counselling. Get some professional help so that you and your partner can provide the love and support she needs and, in turn, to help her connect with you.

 

If you aren't willing to step up and do what needs to be done, I suggest you walk away before any more damage is done to this child. Do you really want your wife's history repeating itself?

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SincereOnlineGuy

I'd like to know for just how long this step father has been in the household of the step-daughter.

 

That would probably hint-at, or explain more of the problem than does the first post.

 

 

Waiting until age 14 to correct wrongs which happened long ago makes for quite the challenge, but it certainly isn't too late. The arrests to date are just the effects of the environment created long before. They themselves are not the problem.

 

 

This is like looking at a pool table and projecting backward the moves which got the situation to this point.

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ChickiePops

She's a child. Her 'you're not my father' very clearly attitude stems from you making it clear that you have no desire to bond with her so why should she make any effort with you? You rejected her first.

 

You say you've been in her life since she was a child, you could easily have chosen to be a father to her. Instead you chose to treat her like garbage. She's just returning the favor.

 

Try to be an adult here and fix your relationship with her. Counseling. ASAP.

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whichwayisup
My step daughter and I don't get a long and never have not even since she was a child. I think she's a punk and has zero respect for me. She always screams "Your not my dad so don't act like it!" I can't stand when people say I have four kids when I have three I always have to remind people she's not my kid. Besides she doesn't even have my last name.

 

I really don't like her she's been arrested for graffiti multiple times and calls it art. It's not art it's vandalism. I swear she's nothing but a disrespectful punk and I hate that people think we're related.

 

All that brat does is give me dirty looks and insults me. Yet her mother always defends her. I swear she's probably going to end up in prison like her real dad. She's completely irresponsible and always has her head in the clouds. She is always saying she's going to be an artist or some nonsense like that she has no goals or desires to get a real job.

 

I feel she's a lost cause.

 

I am surprised you don't find any empathy or sympathy for her and her bad choices in life seeing as you've made some bad choices in yours.

 

you're the adult here and like her or not as the step mom you continually make the effort. You gave up on her a long time ago so of course she knows you hate her, why should she respect you or like you? Have you ever been kind to her? Showed her any affection or spent time getting to know her instead of judging her? And of course her mom is going to defend her. Any loving mom would.

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MissCongeniality
I'd like to know for just how long this step father has been in the household of the step-daughter.

 

That would probably hint-at, or explain more of the problem than does the first post.

 

 

Waiting until age 14 to correct wrongs which happened long ago makes for quite the challenge, but it certainly isn't too late. The arrests to date are just the effects of the environment created long before. They themselves are not the problem.

 

 

This is like looking at a pool table and projecting backward the moves which got the situation to this point.

We've been together for about ten years and really it's my fault I never told him about her in the beginning and he got mad because back then kids were a deal breaker but I swore he'd never have to worry that I'd be responsible for her.

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ChickiePops
We've been together for about ten years and really it's my fault I never told him about her in the beginning and he got mad because back then kids were a deal breaker but I swore he'd never have to worry that I'd be responsible for her.

 

Then this is much more on you (though he has still been awful to your daughter). You lied, you manipulated him, and you put your children's mental health at risk. Why was having a boyfriend more important to you than your kids?

 

Why didn't you protect them?

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nittygritty
We've been together for about ten years and really it's my fault I never told him about her in the beginning and he got mad because back then kids were a deal breaker but I swore he'd never have to worry that I'd be responsible for her.

 

Your daughter was 4 years old when you got together? That's very sad for her to have to grow up in this situation. She should have been your priority and now more than ever you need to make her a priority. She has to be angry and confused. She might be acting out because negative attention is better than no attention. Or she was taught that she was bad, a burden and not wanted. I hope you get your daughter some help.

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I really don't think I could allow an adult who hates my child to live in the house with us. That must be a really awful way to grow up. Even as an adult, I think I really need my own home to be a safe and peaceful place.

 

And MissC, I do t think your lie was a great idea and probably didn't help, but at some point he made the decision to be in her life, it's not *just* your fault. Your lie doesn't justify him treating a child like crap.

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We've been together for about ten years and really it's my fault I never told him about her in the beginning and he got mad because back then kids were a deal breaker but I swore he'd never have to worry that I'd be responsible for her.

 

So you're the mother of the girl in his OP?

 

How does it make you feel when you read about the things he thinks of your daughter? That she is a horrible punk who's good for nothing?

 

I have to say that if I ever heard someone say these things of my child, I'd kick them out before yesterday. The reason I didn't even reply to this thread was because I was shocked at what he said about this 14 year old child.

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I'm now starting to understand why Miss C's sister is exasperated by the parenting in this household.

 

Not only did Miss C deny her child's existence to her partner, she then allowed the child to be in the company of an adult who actively dislikes her. As a parent, it's our job to make sure that any adults in the house continue to be good role models...even in the face of appalling teenage behaviour.

 

Given the parenting choices by Mr and Miss C, it's not at all surprising that the teen is acting out like she is. Frankly, I'd be surprised if she was anything but the rebel she is.

 

It's not too late to get her on the right track. Family counselling is essential.

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ITA, noelle. I can't imagine being w someone that felt that way about my child. My children are so close to my heart, I think I would find that unbearable. And I'm sure I couldn't feel positive about him, let alone loving. It's not loving to you, MissC, on his part to hate *your* child.

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MissCongeniality
Your daughter was 4 years old when you got together? That's very sad for her to have to grow up in this situation. She should have been your priority and now more than ever you need to make her a priority. She has to be angry and confused. She might be acting out because negative attention is better than no attention. Or she was taught that she was bad, a burden and not wanted. I hope you get your daughter some help.

She has always been my priority! Before I met him we were barely getting by! I went days without food just so she wouldn't starve. I get my daughter has issues but I would rather her hate me and be alive than love me and be dead!

 

Oh and as for my so called saintly sister I went to her when I was pregnant and begged for a place to stay and she turned me away because she didn't want someone of my element around her family. I was a teen when that happened.

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ChickiePops
She has always been my priority! Before I met him we were barely getting by! I went days without food just so she wouldn't starve. I get my daughter has issues but I would rather her hate me and be alive than love me and be dead!

 

Oh and as for my so called saintly sister I went to her when I was pregnant and begged for a place to stay and she turned me away because she didn't want someone of my element around her family. I was a teen when that happened.

 

You're not making yourself sound any better here.

 

So your sister had a family of her own and you're upset that she did the right things for her kids and turned away a pregnant teenager who's baby daddy was a felon? Sorry but your sister was absolutely right to do that. She was protecting her family, which you have failed to do.

 

Does MrC know that you got him to move in with you because you needed his money?

 

Please, for the love of all that is holy, get your own place (not saying break up, just saying keep MrC away from your daughter, as he is damaging her even more), and get your daughter into counseling immediately. Show the counselor this thread.

 

It's not too late to start being a good parent.

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nittygritty
She has always been my priority! Before I met him we were barely getting by! I went days without food just so she wouldn't starve. I get my daughter has issues but I would rather her hate me and be alive than love me and be dead!

 

Oh and as for my so called saintly sister I went to her when I was pregnant and begged for a place to stay and she turned me away because she didn't want someone of my element around her family. I was a teen when that happened.

 

Are there not welfare programs for food and other benefits where you live? Your daughter is the teenager in need of help now. You need to be strong and change your life because she and your other kids need you to get it together. I doubt that your daughter hates you. She is angry and acting out, any 14 year old might act the same way she is in the same situation. You don't want her to end up replaying her childhood trauma the rest of her life with people that mistreat her. You shouldn't either but if you can't do that for yourself at least do it for your kids. You are the only mom that they have got.

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