Newly Single Dad, so sad...

[MassiveAtom]

I'm wondering what is in the best interests of my children.

 

They are safe and seem happy living with their mom full time for now. I talk with them daily and see them not so frequently.

 

My STBXW left me with the huge task of finishing the rehab, and selling the house we bought 8 months ago, and the even larger task of letting go of all of my hopes and dreams for my family including her.

 

The house is a construction zone. I believe it's a bad place for my daughters.

 

I am a warzone of emotion and sadness.. Just being with them right now, is painful. It makes me feel so guilty and sad that I can't be anything like the father I want to be.

I hate it when they see me like this and it makes my oldest cry every time.

 

I feel it's in their best interest to limit the amount of exposure they have to their father in such pain. AND that I get the place finished quickly so I can get out of this prison.

 

Somebody please help me understand how to look at this situation so that I make the right decision about their needs. I am totally confused in this, and get nothing but disparagement from "her."

 

like never before,

 

MA

[Merin]

Hello MA

 

I had hoped maybe you were doing better today.. but ya know it's just the high's and low's sometimes in life.. don't be to hard on yourself.

 

Little people.. honestly I cannot think of anything harder to deal with then the little people you share with someone you can no longer live with.. it's difficult at best, but not impossible to find whats going to be "okay"

 

IMO the most important thing you can do for your kiddo's is for both yourself and your EXW to tell them often that the both of you love them, and always will.. the divorce isn't thier fault.. and that Mom and Dad are going to do all they can to make things okay and right for them.

 

It's good for you to speak with them often right now.. just that staying connected.

 

IMO perhaps because of your emotional state of mind limiting your time with them when you're unable to be "productive" is okay and fine.. but don't cut yourself out of your little people's lives.. I know it's hard on your kiddo's and I know it's hard on your oldest who may have a better understanding of divorce and all it implies.. and while it is a good idea to try to keep your composure, it's also okay to tell your daughter that yeah Dad is sad.. that you feel sad about whats happend and that you miss her terribly.. just follow up with, you love her a lot and that YOU WILL be okay.

 

Take care

[Moose]

It makes me feel so guilty and sad that I can't be anything like the father I want to be.

I don't believe this statement for one second MA, and neither should you! I mean, I can believe that you feel guilty and sad, but the part about you not being able to be the Father you want to be is wrong.

 

You should know that you can still be the figure you desire your children to view you as. Right now is tough, I know.....but you'll have opportunities to show your strength and love. And you'll have opportunites to laugh with them again. I really feel bad for you. I don't know that I could go through what you are. But I do know that God won't put you through something you can't handle.

 

Please, if anything, get the notion that you can't be a great Father to your children out of your mind. You are still Daddy, and they still love you.

[MassiveAtom]

Merin, Moose, Thanks.

 

Moose I meant that I can't be the loving, strong, supportive, compassionate, funny dad I know I am, while I'm feeling the way I do.

 

I am human, I do dumb sh|t, I make mistakes, I LEARN, and I grow! I will NOT let my STBXWs inability to accept that, break my spirit and hurt my daughters.

 

My girls will have me in their lives. You can bet on it.

 

I just have to pick my shattered dreams off the floor, put them in the waste basket, and start dreaming new ones.

 

 

 

like never before,

 

 

MA

[Moose]

I'll always be here for ya, I mean that.

[Lil Honey]

I agree with Merin and Moose.

 

Your girls need you and you need them. See them when you are feeling strong, but continue to be determined to see them. The one thing you don't want is for them to think that you are avoiding them. Like Merin said, always tell them how much you love them. Tell them that that will NEVER change.

 

And as Moose said, you can continue to be a great daddy even if you don't live with their mom. You may not be able to be "funny" at this point, but because you love them, you are still loving, strong and compassionate.

[CurlyIam]

Be their dad. Be there for them and love them and show them that you love them.

 

I think it's important not to burden them with explinations. Maybe I'm wrong... But the truth can unnecessarily mark them. Just tell them that you're very sick and that you need to stay away for a while. Don't give up on them and make them understand that just because you cannot phsically be in their lives it does not mean you don't think or love them anymore.

 

I know you must be very discouraged right now. I know you're fighting some deamons on your own. I think it's very very important to keep the faith in your good traits, not to hate yourself. Kids sense when you're at peace with yourself. Forgive yourself in order to move on and back into their lives.

 

Hugs,

 

Curly

[KANSAN]

Make a plan of the things you want to do as a good father and stick to it everytime you see your kids.

Move on I know it's early but the sooner you move on the sooner you can start adjust to this father out of home role.

You'll be ok, its hard but for your kids man SUCK IT UP, if I'm dealing better in my situation anyone can.

I wish I found LS earlier in my divorce, I found it about 4mo. after the fact. Maby if I would have had someone to talk to me with a level head I would have moved on faster, understood more about why these things happen and have some idea on how to deal.

 

Good Luck M.A. I got ya back

[jade_nc]

just thought maybe you'd like some input from the other side. my X very rarely sees our children. in the beginning, it was because he needed time for himself - to get himself together. then his life was too busy, etc.

 

it made them feel like the divorce was their fault. did daddy leave because he didn't want to be around us? why isn't he coming to see us? when will we get to go and see him?

 

yes, children can sense when things aren't "right" or when their parent(s) are upset, sad or depressed. you need to find a way to see them.....and a way to make the experience a good one for all of you. if you can't see them at your home, take them to dinner, the park, skating, a play place - but see them. See them as often as you can, and regularly. don't cancel on them, follow through on what you tell them you're going to do. i cannot stress to you enough how vital it is that you take this approach NOW.

 

what will you tell them in a year if you still aren't ready to see them?? it's been 5 yrs for my children. they have stopped asking to see their dad. they have stopped asking to call him. they don't share important events in their lives with him, he's an after thought - just like they are to him.

 

divorce and separation are not easy for adults and we need a support system to deal with the emotional turmoil - but children shouldn't have to look for a support system through this trauma, it should come from you.

 

your daughter is going to be sad for awhile, but her shoulder to cry on should be her daddy's.

[MassiveAtom]

For crying out loud Jade, Why'd you have to go and make so much sense.

 

I know I'll be fine through this, I know I'll pull through with flying colors. But those two little girls ARE hurting too.

 

My oldest is so strong, she's such a little sunbeam.

And she needs me now. More than ever. I doubt that I have the stregnth. To BE THERE for her. But I have to find it somewhere.

 

I have to admit it's hard holding it together when they're with me because I always half way expect their mom to "come home." But when I know I have to take them back to her home, it just sinks me like a scuttled freighter.

 

It's a thick mess of sadness and anger.

 

blech!!

 

like never before

 

MA

[Karlise13]

I've been following your posts for a while. Sorry I haven't offered much in return. I've just been so up to my ears in work it's been hard to be articulate online.

But your writing so clearly illustrates just how painful this whole process has been for you.

 

Just let your girls know every day that you love them and think of them. Children are resiliant. They are also very intuitive and honest, so be honest with them. Tell them it's hard to have so many things change so quickly, but that things will get easier over time. Tell them you will always love them, no matter where you live or they live. Buy them little cards and send them in the mail every week. Just be real, be yourself, be the best Dad you can be at this time.

 

IT's OK for them to know that you are sad, that you miss them, that you wish things were different. Children can handle reality, as long as it's dosed with plenty of love and reassurance and consistency. Try to have some kind of routine that you follow -- either a phone call every Wed at 7 PM or some other kind of ritual they can count on.

 

Good luck MA. I really hope a year from now you are at peace and looking forward to a brighter future.

[JackieQ]

hang in there and know that we're here for you MA. Yes, your littles need you right now.

 

My advice: don't try to make it like it was. Things have changed and trying to do the same old things is a painful reminder that their mom is missing from the picture (for both you and them). Instead, find some new things that you and they like to with you. A favorite father-daughter restaurant, a new park, a different route on a walk around the neighborhood, new sport, etc. Stuff that starts building on the changed relationship you have with them.

 

Take care, let us know how it's going

jackieq

[MassiveAtom]

You know, I came home tonight, and noticed the dark house on the corner. It looked so quiet and dead. And I thought about how nice it was when the lights were on. I remembered when they were here, I would picture my daughters igetting ready for bed when I drove up. I always looked forward to my oldest meeting me at the back door. Course I always had to put stuff down and take off my jacket, but she knew to wait a sec while I got in. The stories were the highpoint of my day. The little song I would sing about my youngest. The closeness I had with my oldest.

 

gone.

 

Kansan, I did that, I came up with stuff to do. All sorts of activities and interesting things. But now the problem is money. I have to find the free stuff now. Karlise, Jackie. You are both so right in the comments you make. They're both excellent strategies. I'm stuck in this kind of limbo though, with the house and all. It stands in my way. Sometimes I just want to abandon it, like my ex abandoned me.

 

It's interesting the way this healing is happening. I just lost hope for reconciling, now I'm greiveing the loss of the in home dad relationship with my kids. It's really a lot harder than I expected.

 

My daughter said to me last night on the phone, "I wish you could live here with us" My chest caved, my face burned. and the tears came. I missed her so much. I told her the truth, "I do too, sweetheart. I do too. But no matter where I live, just remember I'll always love you."

 

I made a realization tonight how empty my life is now. I mean I have lots to do, but without them it just seems kinda pointless.

 

Strange, how happy they seem without me.

 

It's no secret that parenting is HARD. the secret is it is so hard that it makes you grow. That part of me will forever be stunted, I can't develop the skills I'd like to have because of the reduced time and resources.

 

Wait, that isn't necessarily so. I'm a pretty smart guy, I can figure this out. hmmmm.

 

I think I'll go get them this weekend. I'll bet they'd love to see me. SH|T I can't be sad about this forever.

 

Love you LS folks . You guys are the best humanity has to offer.

 

 

like never before,

 

 

MA

[jade_nc]

i'm glad to hear that! and you're right - they are going to love seeing you.

 

what's up with the house? renovating? is there anything there that the kids can do?

i'm don't know their ages, but mine are 7 and 9......and they LOVE to help with projects around the house. they've helped wallpaper, and paint, etc.

 

are you going to keep the house? what are you going to do about custody?

 

you're life doesn't have to be or feel empty. we live next to a family that has joint custody. the kids spend a week at a time with each parent. different scenarios work for different people. the point is, if you want them in your life more than every other weekend - make it happen!

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by jade_nc

i'm glad to hear that! and you're right - they are going to love seeing you.

 

what's up with the house? renovating? is there anything there that the kids can do?

i'm don't know their ages, but mine are 7 and 9......and they LOVE to help with projects around the house. they've helped wallpaper, and paint, etc.

 

are you going to keep the house? what are you going to do about custody?

 

you're life doesn't have to be or feel empty. we live next to a family that has joint custody. the kids spend a week at a time with each parent. different scenarios work for different people. the point is, if you want them in your life more than every other weekend - make it happen!

 

We bought it 8 months ago because my ex wanted a house. The most I could afford to pay for was a fixer-upper. I spent two and a half grueling months getting the second floor ready for them, she spent two and a hlaf grueling months withthe kids all alone. I asked and pleaded for them to come stay with me in our home while we did the work. She didn't want anything to do with that Idea.

 

MY oldest WILL be with me when I start painting,, heck she's helped me with framing, and tiling already. My little one is too litlle 2.5 to do much but sing!

 

I'm not keeping the house, I have to finish it to sell, but my ex is still on the title AND the note (which she doesn't pay for) she always said she couldn't help, but now her rent is almost equal to the mortgage payment! RRrrrrrrrrrr!

 

Once this prison is finally sold and I'm free of it I'm going to move closer to my daughters, One of the best things in life for me is the walk to school. They moved accros the city so I can't do that now. When I get closer I'm going to go for 50/50 but I don't know how practical that will be since My ex will be getting so much of my income as CS. I don't know how I'll manage to make a home for my kiddos.

 

How do other dads do it?

 

Nah, My life IS empty right now. There's peace in it, but it's not a peace I want to endure for much longer.

[KANSAN]

M.A. I'm a divorced father in a similar situation. Bra ya have to work hard and sacrifice to make the best home for your kids when you have them get a second job if you have too. You might not see your kids as much as you would like but when you do see them you can afford to take them places and do things without finicial worries which you don't need when your having fun with your kids.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by KANSAN

M.A. I'm a divorced father in a similar situation. Bra ya have to work hard and sacrifice to make the best home for your kids when you have them get a second job if you have too. You might not see your kids as much as you would like but when you do see them you can afford to take them places and do things without finicial worries which you don't need when your having fun with your kids.

 

I did that, I worked my A$$ off for my family. What did it get me? Nothing. I've about had it with this self-centered *****. The kids seem happier thatn anything. My oldest is blowing off talking to me now. WTF??I have to rethink this. I'm not getting a second job. I want a LIFE that is more than just work.

[jade_nc]

i hope so! anger isn't always a bad thing. sometimes you need to get angry so that your head can lead you instead of your heart.

 

I did that, I worked my A$$ off for my family. What did it get me? Nothing.

Not true - it got you two beautiful little girls that will bring you joy, happiness (and some tough times, too) for the rest of your life. it's only the definition of "family" that's changed. Family is no longer mom, dad, kids. Family is now dad, kids.

 

i can tell how devastated you are by your STBXW's actions. i've read how much you wanted this to work out...and how you blame yourself for her leaving. but you made an effort to work things out and she choose to leave.

 

now, start trying to separate losing your wife from potentially losing everything else. check out The Tao of Divorce. it's great at helping separate your feelings from the actions that need to be taken.

[Lil Honey]

In addition to what Jade said about you now having two kids who you love and who love you, you also have a house to renovate. I know it seems like a pain in the a$$, but maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Maybe that fixer-upper of a house will be good therapy for you. When you have to keep your mind busy, you can work on the house. When you are angry you can hammer on something in the house. Maybe the fixer-upper was meant to be . . .

[MassiveAtom]

That's a nice thought Lil.

If only it WAS that good for me.

 

I was doing it for my family. But my family is no longer there. It feels like prison. What once was a labor of love, so priceless and giving, is now some twisted punishment for a good deed. It really feels pointless without my family intact, in tight, inside those four walls. Yesterday was so hard for me. At one point, immobilized with sadness, I sat on the basement steps, in the dark, crying helplessly for things to return to the way they were. For my family to come home. I sat there for two hours. only to drag myself upstairs and fall asleep.

 

I awoke this morning from a terrible dream about my ex and the kids. I was still in tears. And I had to literally WORK just to get out of bed.

 

One bright light, I am starting to feel the joy my daughters bring me again, and oddly I'm starting to forgive my exwife.

 

One step at a time, I guess.

[Mz. Pixie]

MA-

 

Just thought I'd throw this into the comments.

 

I am on the other side of the coin. Because things were so bad at my home once I told my husband I wanted to separate (he refused to go to his parents and I had no family to go to) I had to move out into a apartment. In the beginning he could have stopped any additional financial burden by just going to his folks but he wouldn't. I had to borrow money from my father to get into the apartment.

 

I had to purchase a car because the other cars we had were- company car and a truck I cannot pay for that he bought. I took virtually nothing with me. My kids have to share a room when they are with me. We had a large, fairly new home.

 

When they come to see me they have to sleep in the same room. I don't have money to take them and do things like I used to when we were living together. I'm barely making ends meet. Most of their toys are at the marital residence (i brought what I had room for) but they cannot ride bikes or such out at the apartment even if the weather permitted it. His parents are helping him financially.

 

I feel worthless at times- but I tell myself that it's only for a while. One day they will have a home with me where they have everything they had before. They need clothes and shoes at my home but he refuses to pay anything but daycare expenses until we meet with the attorney (which is not his full child support)

 

It sucks I know but you're not the only one who's been through it. You will make it, although it just seems right now that you won't.

 

I think it's much harder for men than it is women in this situation. The pain is bad and sometimes the dad just thinks everyone would be better off if he stepped out of the picture. That's just not true. They need you. Don't forget that. Girls get their self esteem from their fathers. Don't set them up for a lifetime of bad relationships with men because your wife was a jerk.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

I think it's much harder for men than it is women in this situation. The pain is bad and sometimes the dad just thinks everyone would be better off if he stepped out of the picture.

 

What, did you read my mind!? I've totally given up and let go of any hope for reconciliation, but I feel like I've already lost the father I was becoming. I feel like a failure as a father, and an also ran in the lives of my girls ALREADY. :( Sometimes I think they WOULD be happier without me around. MY ex is cute, she'll have anothe man around in no time, and he'll be around them more than I! But I KNOW better. I just have to pull myself together.

 

That's just not true. They need you. Don't forget that. Girls get their self esteem from their fathers. Don't set them up for a lifetime of bad relationships with men because your wife was a jerk.

 

I'm trying so hard to push through the pain of not being their at home father. I'm SO ANGRY sometimes. Thanks for reminding me that they DO need me even if it looks like no one else does.

 

At least I don't feel any guilt.

 

Thanks for giving me something concrete Pix. I'll have to read about the Father/Daughter self esteem dynamic. If it's one thing I so want for them is to grow up with a healthy self worth. Given that, everything else is pie.

 

Thanks agaiin.

 

MA.

[Mz. Pixie]

MA- there is a great book out there called "She calls him Daddy". You can find it at Christian bookstores- don't know if that's your thing or not but its a wonderful book. It goes into great detail about how a girls relationship with her father defines who she is. Think about it- you are her first male/female relationship- it will set the ground for all going forward.

 

I truly believe it is harder for the guys. My STBXH has had friends who have gone through this. Some chose to step out of the picture. Some chose to stick it out.

 

My b/f is going through something like this even though his divorce is over. He works two jobs- actually three because he is a coach. It takes the salary from those jobs to pay his house note for which he is responsible that was purchased when he and his wife were together. XW works one job, her new hubby (that she had the affair with for 18 months before she divorced him) works one job. They have 50/50 custody. Bf's parents are extremely helpful to him in this situation. If he has to work his second job then his mom and dad pick up the slack with his son. But, this takes alot of time away from his son as well and in some ways they are closer to him than he is. He hates that it is that way and wants it not to be, but he has to work a second job for now- it's not a luxury.

There have been a couple of times where bf, the XW and her new H have all been together at a function and the son will go to the step dad instead of bf. Tears him up completely.

 

Really the easy thing would be for you to walk away. The hard part would be sticking around to do the right thing. I know this but I can also tell by your posts that you are intelligent enough to do the right thing.

 

Vent here- cry yourself to sleep at night after they go to bed- whatever it takes but let them see you smiling and happy. That is a struggle for me to do as well but I wait until they are in bed to even vent to anyone on the phone.

 

Besides, don't think about how cute your x is or how easy she will find someone else. Think about how she will eventually regret losing a great catch like you!

[MassiveAtom]

Pix, Thanks, hon.

 

MY self-esteem slips everytime she tells me to "step up to the plate" WTF!? I've been hitting home runs with my girlies for 6 years now. She doesn't appreciate how hard it's going to be .

 

I just picked up a bunch of books from the "Liberry" I got that one. Wanna know why, The title choked me up right there in the aisle. I aslo got, Fathering successful Daughters. Mom's house, dad's house, (course Mom is first. )

and a bunch of Single dad resoources.

 

DA, as my girlies call me, is feeling better, but the man he's part of still hurts like hell.

 

You're a sweetheart

 

ma