Co-parenting, dont know whether to call it a joke, or ??

[endlessabyss]

So, the first couple weeks of this co-parenting thing have been pretty painful. Granted, I am happy to see my kid once a week, I understand I have just a marginal role in her life, and she will mostly be developed through the family she lives with.

 

 

I planned some things with her yesterday, went out to some fun places for her, played games, whatever to make her happy.

 

 

I tried to keep positive thought wise, but the emotions were just overwhelming, and I felt very hurt, and was quite most the night. I saw my ex with her significant other for the first time over the weekend, and it definitely hurt........real bad.

 

 

I have no idea why; we aren't meant to be together, but it hurts just like it did after we broke up (almost four years ago). I guess I get scared this feeling will never go away; every time I see her I get to experience that gut wrenching feeling of break-up all over again.

 

 

Sounds like fun.

 

 

I've tried to move on to; affirmations, try talking to other girls, reading, gym, burying myself in work; nothing has helped so far.

 

 

Some say it takes time; how much is what I want to know.

 

 

I know I am not weak, actually I am quite strong and courageous for throwing myself back into this. Friday, when I was about to leave for work, I asked myself if I was even doing the right thing? Should I have just stayed an absent father? I don't think so; it just mind boggles me another guy spends more time with my daughter than me.

 

 

Divorce, single parent families, all of this destruction is a good thing, right!

 

 

One person is going to get burned in these situations, unfortunately I got burned.

 

 

I will still carry on though, and just walk through the pain, however long it resides for.

 

 

My ex asked me if I would let her significant other drop my daughter off to me on the weekends, I said no. Immature or not?

 

 

I say no. I already got the bad part of the deal, I refuse to take anymore.

 

 

Just venting. My emotions are crazy, but I am trying to control my thoughts at least. Before I would of mentally assaulted myself, now I am trying to be more gentle.

[xxoo]

I'm sorry you're in pain. A relationship with your daughter has a solid chance of bringing you true joy, and changing the focus of your life. You've got a huge blessing in your daughter.

 

 

 

My ex asked me if I would let her significant other drop my daughter off to me on the weekends, I said no. Immature or not?

 

 

I say no. I already got the bad part of the deal, I refuse to take anymore..

 

Yeah, immature. You've been broken up for 4 years. This other man is part of her life. Your goal should be to assimilate into her life so that you can spend as much time with her as possible. And if it causes you pain to see her mother, the partner dropping her off may be the best idea for you, too.

[endlessabyss]

I'm sorry you're in pain. A relationship with your daughter has a solid chance of bringing you true joy, and changing the focus of your life. You've got a huge blessing in your daughter.

 

 

 

Yeah, immature. You've been broken up for 4 years. This other man is part of her life. Your goal should be to assimilate into her life so that you can spend as much time with her as possible. And if it causes you pain to see her mother, the partner dropping her off may be the best idea for you, too.

 

 

 

What if I told you that I caught this man naked, in bed with my daughter, almost four years ago, when I learned my ex had moved on?

 

 

Still immature?

 

 

Could I ask, are you a single parent?

[xxoo]

What if I told you that I caught this man naked, in bed with my daughter, almost four years ago, when I learned my ex had moved on?

 

 

Still immature?

 

 

Could I ask, are you a single parent?

 

I am not a single parent. I'm a married one.

 

Did you report that incident to the authorities? (on the other hand, was your child an infant? It could be totally harmless in that case).

 

I'm not sure where you're going with this revelation, but if you suspected abuse, why on earth would you walk away from your child in that situation? Yes, it seems petty to bring these issues up now unless there is real concern for abuse, and then why wait so long?!

[endlessabyss]

I am not a single parent. I'm a married one.

 

Did you report that incident to the authorities? (on the other hand, was your child an infant? It could be totally harmless in that case).

 

I'm not sure where you're going with this revelation, but if you suspected abuse, why on earth would you walk away from your child in that situation? Yes, it seems petty to bring these issues up now unless there is real concern for abuse, and then why wait so long?!

 

 

I don't think abuse, my ex and this man were sleeping together, with my daughter in the same bed, and I caught them in the act.

 

 

I suspected you probably weren't a single parent. When you become one you will know the pain.

 

 

I walked away at the time because I was recovering from mental breakdown/addiction, all in the meanwhile being a full time student in college.

 

 

I contemplated taking my life at that time, due to the pain of everything I was unbearable, but I decided I need to finish college, to better her and myself, even if it meant not being in her life for a few years.

 

 

If I didn't go that route, I would I dropped out of college. It was just too much for me to handle.

 

 

I am not a machine, I am a human.

[TaraMaiden2]

What if I told you that I caught this man naked, in bed with my daughter, almost four years ago, when I learned my ex had moved on?

 

 

Still immature?

That depends... Did we know this before? have you informed us already?

If not, we can't be psychic, right?

 

It SOUNDED immature... can't blame us if we didn't know already...

 

 

Could I ask, are you a single parent?

I was for a while....

[endlessabyss]

That depends... Did we know this before? have you informed us already?

If not, we can't be psychic, right?

 

It SOUNDED immature... can't blame us if we didn't know already...

 

 

 

I was for a while....

 

 

Could I ask you, would you pick your child up from this person, if hypothetically, you were me?

[TaraMaiden2]

I hate to say it, but yes.

Frankly, the child is more important to me than how I feel about him.

 

The child comes 1st, 2nd and 3rd.

There are no other takers.

[endlessabyss]

I hate to say it, but yes.

Frankly, the child is more important to me than how I feel about him.

 

The child comes 1st, 2nd and 3rd.

There are no other takers.

 

 

 

I respect that, but I can only take it with a gain of salt.

 

 

I think people who also experienced this would shine greater light on my situation, but there probably aren't a lot who have been through this around here.

 

 

I don't know; I just feel very broken on the inside, and feel as if, at this time, I can't endure much more. My child was brought on to this earth by me and my ex, and that is who should be raising her.

 

 

Instead, it went some other way. I have done enough maturing to know that the family I wanted will never be; it's gone forever, but I can't remove those scars that I will live with for the rest of my life.

 

 

I am a part of her life now, regardless how marginal it is, and this says a lot about the strength and courage of my character.

 

 

I am very proud of myself.

[TaraMaiden2]

Nobody's been what you've been through, because only your ex is your ex, only her guy is her guy and only you are you.

 

Comparisons cannot be made insofar as trying to guess who's had it better, worse or the same.

 

All you know, is how you are dealing with it.

 

Have you considered or had counselling?

Personally, with regard to your unique situation, I think you would benefit....

[endlessabyss]

Nobody's been what you've been through, because only your ex is your ex, only her guy is her guy and only you are you.

 

Comparisons cannot be made insofar as trying to guess who's had it better, worse or the same.

 

All you know, is how you are dealing with it.

 

Have you considered or had counselling?

Personally, with regard to your unique situation, I think you would benefit....

 

 

Personal counseling, yes. I gave it a shot for a half year, but it didn't really help. I knew this was something I would just have to get over myself, but I don't know how to deal with these feelings that always come about.

 

 

They are overwhelming at times. Hopefully time will erase them, but who knows. I was hiding out, for years, from the pain, and now I am just throwing myself in the fire.

 

 

I guess it will be time that heals this.

 

 

Just a challenge from God; something He is trying to teach me, but He knows me, and will not give me more than I can handle at the time.

[TaraMaiden2]

Personal counseling, yes. I gave it a shot for a half year, but it didn't really help. I knew this was something I would just have to get over myself, but I don't know how to deal with these feelings that always come about.

That's what counselling is meant to help you process. The feelings and how to deal with them.

I'm really tempted to give you some pointers with regard to tackling emotions from a Buddhist PoV. It's something often mentioned on the forum I frequent & Moderate....

 

They are overwhelming at times. Hopefully time will erase them, but who knows. I was hiding out, for years, from the pain, and now I am just throwing myself in the fire.

I guess it will be time that heals this.

 

Time does nothing but pass. Time is not a healing tool, it's just a chronological device we use to measure one day from the next.

Time heals nothing.

YOU heal.

 

Just a challenge from God; something He is trying to teach me, but He knows me, and will not give me more than I can handle at the time.

I leave this remark with the mere comment that I think if God were indeed teaching you something, he would be going a better way about it.

No father puts his child through continual pain in order to teach them Unconditional Love.....

[Taramere]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. From what you're saying, I gather you've only recently started to get contact with your daughter - even though you and your ex wife split up more than 4 years ago. Is that right?

 

Once a week doesn't seem like much. Is there scope for contact to perhaps be built up beyond what it is at present? I would generally think every second weekend and one evening a week is a fair arrangement - though obviously a lot depends on your home circumstances.

 

Also, what's the situation with your own family? Are they getting opportunities to spend time with your daughter?

[endlessabyss]

That's what counselling is meant to help you process. The feelings and how to deal with them.

I'm really tempted to give you some pointers with regard to tackling emotions from a Buddhist PoV. It's something often mentioned on the forum I frequent & Moderate....

 

 

I am open to all ideas and suggestions, that is why I made this thread. I am just trying to find ways to cope with the way I feel on the inside.

 

 

How do I feel this way, but still pretend to be "happy" about this, less than ideal, situation.

 

 

 

Time does nothing but pass. Time is not a healing tool, it's just a chronological device we use to measure one day from the next.

Time heals nothing.

YOU heal.

 

 

Yes, but I noticed as the years went on, I felt better. Granted, I had bad days, but I was nonetheless feeling better. Now I feel like I have reset the clock, and am right back to square one, all due to trying to hide away from the emotions.

 

 

Maybe if there was a way I could of preserved from the beginning, I could have finished it. I just couldn't cope with in a months time things seeming alright, and the next thing you know, my partner is with someone else, moving out with him in a matter of weeks (with my kid), and people are sharing with me their sexual life that they are posting all over social media.

 

 

It was the second most brutal experience of my life, and at the time, I just bashed myself for not being good enough in all areas of my life, and that is why everything failed.

 

 

Now I don't view it that way. The way I see it is that we were two, very different people, in a toxic relationship, who needed to split; it was just in the matter it happened. Why does it still hurt though?

 

 

I leave this remark with the mere comment that I think if God were indeed teaching you something, he would be going a better way about it.

No father puts his child through continual pain in order to teach them Unconditional Love.....

 

I have read some of your posts from the past, and I know we have a different philosophy about life, and I respect that.

[endlessabyss]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. From what you're saying, I gather you've only recently started to get contact with your daughter - even though you and your ex wife split up more than 4 years ago. Is that right?

 

 

She was my fiancé (we were together for almost a decade), and yes, it has been just recently I have entered back into my child's life. We didn't see, or speak, to each other in four years. The first day we ire-introduced to one another it was very natural. She know I was her father, and she was very happy to see me.

 

 

I was very worried it would be the opposite.

 

Once a week doesn't seem like much. Is there scope for contact to perhaps be built up beyond what it is at present? I would generally think every second weekend and one evening a week is a fair arrangement - though obviously a lot depends on your home circumstances.

 

 

I thought that me having her on the weekend, and her on the weekdays, was good enough. She works a ton of hours, so the days she has off she demands to spend time with her two, only thing is it conflicts with the time I have to spend with her.

 

 

I travel semi-far from work, and they live about a half hour away from me, so fitting time in the weekdays would be difficult, but I am open to it.

 

Also, what's the situation with your own family? Are they getting opportunities to spend time with your daughter?

 

 

Yes, but only the short amount off time I have her per week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think either way is just really hard. When you boil it down, I will be missing most of her life, per the current situation.

 

 

It is a difficult pill to swallow.

[Raena]

Part of the reason why you are still experiencing all this grief about it all this time later is because you haven't had it in your face all this time.

 

You haven't seen her or your child for 4 years right? So now it's all coming back like a fresh wound. Hopefully it will settle down with time now that you are trying to be in your daughters life.

 

Focus on her and as time passes, your grief will lessen too.

 

Is it immature to not want the guy your ex cheated on you with to be delivering your daughter to you? I don't know. Maybe not so much immature as it is indicative of your emotions about him. I don't think I could handle it if the situation were reversed either. (My son's father cheated and I don't get along with the woman he cheated on me with either so I do get it). In your situation I tend to agree that he shouldn't be involved with you at all at this point. Let you and your ex handle that. The problem is, I assume he's been there for the past 4 years helping to take care of your daughter. It isn't like this just happened.

 

It also appears that he isn't going away. Maybe it's time for you and he to sit down and have a chat and see if you can come up with a way to be civil with each other without too much agony. I know you probably don't want to do that right now, I don't either, but if he's going to stick around, at some point you'll have to figure out how to get along with him. I don't want to in my situation either.. and right now I don't have to, but it does seem like you may need to consider it. The better all of the adults involved can get along, the better it will be for your daughter. If you can't do it, I understand, but at least think about it.

 

4 years later and you are still in pain about this. There is something you haven't processed with her, not sure what or how to fix it... but you are hanging on to this grief and it's time to let it go. Only you can make that happen.

[Taramere]

I thought that me having her on the weekend, and her on the weekdays, was good enough. She works a ton of hours, so the days she has off she demands to spend time with her two, only thing is it conflicts with the time I have to spend with her.

 

Okay - so you have her at the weekends? Sorry, I misunderstood (once a week). I thought you just had her for one day a week. If it's for the whole weekend, that's better.

 

I think either way is just really hard. When you boil it down, I will be missing most of her life, per the current situation.

 

 

It is a difficult pill to swallow.

 

It must be. Do you have telephone contact with her during the week? Like maybe a regular time in the evening when you call? I know it's not the same, but at least it means that you're getting a chance to catch up with what she's been doing that day. Also, making sure you have good relationships with her school, medical providers etc so that you're kept in the loop about those aspects of her life.

 

I know it's not the same as living in the same house, but I think it will help to strengthen your relationship with your daughter if you're actively staying in contact with these various organisations that will be part of her life.

 

Why did such a long time pass with no contact?

[xxoo]

 

Now I don't view it that way. The way I see it is that we were two, very different people, in a toxic relationship, who needed to split; it was just in the matter it happened. Why does it still hurt though?

 

In the past 4 years, have you moved on to better things in your life? Job, friends, relationship, your daughter--all of these are potential areas where you could find joy and satisfaction.

 

I'm not a single parent, but I know a lot of them, many in less than ideal situations with the other parent. An ex in a stable relationship with a non-abusive man is something to be grateful for. Not that she's an ex, but that life is stable there for your daughter. That's a really good thing. Many of my friends, at times, have been genuinely concerned when handing over their small child for custody exchange, and it takes a lot of time and money in court to fight it. Be grateful for the positives in your situation (and by extension, your child's situation). Gratitude contributes to happiness.

[endlessabyss]

Part of the reason why you are still experiencing all this grief about it all this time later is because you haven't had it in your face all this time.

 

You haven't seen her or your child for 4 years right? So now it's all coming back like a fresh wound. Hopefully it will settle down with time now that you are trying to be in your daughters life.

 

Focus on her and as time passes, your grief will lessen too.

 

Is it immature to not want the guy your ex cheated on you with to be delivering your daughter to you? I don't know. Maybe not so much immature as it is indicative of your emotions about him. I don't think I could handle it if the situation were reversed either. (My son's father cheated and I don't get along with the woman he cheated on me with either so I do get it). In your situation I tend to agree that he shouldn't be involved with you at all at this point. Let you and your ex handle that. The problem is, I assume he's been there for the past 4 years helping to take care of your daughter. It isn't like this just happened.

 

It also appears that he isn't going away. Maybe it's time for you and he to sit down and have a chat and see if you can come up with a way to be civil with each other without too much agony. I know you probably don't want to do that right now, I don't either, but if he's going to stick around, at some point you'll have to figure out how to get along with him. I don't want to in my situation either.. and right now I don't have to, but it does seem like you may need to consider it. The better all of the adults involved can get along, the better it will be for your daughter. If you can't do it, I understand, but at least think about it.

 

4 years later and you are still in pain about this. There is something you haven't processed with her, not sure what or how to fix it... but you are hanging on to this grief and it's time to let it go. Only you can make that happen.

 

 

I agree with everything you have said.

 

 

I don't know if I will ever be able to be civil with that person, so I just tend to stay away; way too much bad blood. And yes, they most likely will be together for a while.

 

 

I didn't mention this, but my ex got pregnant and married shortly after we broke up (less than a year). There is just a ton of pain I experience, one of the worst possible outcomes to a break-up.

 

 

Those two were ruthless to me when I was going through some of the most pain of my life. Since I have gotten back into this all those memories have surfaced, the most narrow detail, evoking all those negative feelings.

 

 

I believe the idea my ex has is that we are all supposed to be this big pseudo-family, which I can not bring myself to; I can't just be some friend to her.

 

 

I have been trying to figure ways to let all this go, but I haven't figured it out yet.

 

 

Thank you for replying. Even though you find yourself I a hard spot, it was a little comforting to know someone can relate.

[endlessabyss]

Okay - so you have her at the weekends? Sorry, I misunderstood (once a week). I thought you just had her for one day a week. If it's for the whole weekend, that's better.

 

 

Sorry, I am not articulating myself properly. I have been picking her up late Friday evening, and she goes back to her mother Sunday morning. I now will be only getting her Saturday, because she has work, and refuses to leave her with anyone else but her significant other Friday evening.

 

 

Sorry for my bad spelling btw, I am just in and out of reality right now; not really reviewing what I wrote.

 

 

 

It must be. Do you have telephone contact with her during the week? Like maybe a regular time in the evening when you call? I know it's not the same, but at least it means that you're getting a chance to catch up with what she's been doing that day. Also, making sure you have good relationships with her school, medical providers etc so that you're kept in the loop about those aspects of her life.

 

I know it's not the same as living in the same house, but I think it will help to strengthen your relationship with your daughter if you're actively staying in contact with these various organisations that will be part of her life.

 

Why did such a long time pass with no contact?

 

 

I ask for her to call me during the week, but her mother has made it clear she is worried she will take a liking to me more, and will want to stay with me.

 

 

I don't know for sure, but I think she doesn't want too much contact. when I ask why she hasn't called me, her mother just says they've been busy.

[Taramere]

Sorry, I am not articulating myself properly. I have been picking her up late Friday evening, and she goes back to her mother Sunday morning. I now will be only getting her Saturday, because she has work, and refuses to leave her with anyone else but her significant other Friday evening.

 

Can you afford to see a lawyer about this? If legal expenses are likely to be a struggle, maybe legal aid of some sort would be available, depending on where you live?

 

I'm not suggesting you dive into any sort of court action here - but I think that if you can, it would be a good idea to discuss the situation with a lawyer. Reading between the lines, I'm guessing contact wasn't in place over the past few years because of the dynamics between you and your ex (and her now partner) resulting in a situation so painful for you that you had to distance yourself. But of course, it's just a guess.

 

 

I ask for her to call me during the week, but her mother has made it clear she is worried she will take a liking to me more, and will want to stay with me.

 

She's your daughter, and from what you're saying there is a good bond there. Her mother's anxieties about the bond strengthening is not a good reason for you to not have telephone contact during the week. The emphasis should be on what's best for your daughter.

 

This is where having a lawyer to help you negotiate better contact could come in useful. Particularly if receiving a lawyer's letter prompted her to go and seek legal advice herself. It's generally accepted that a consistent and regular approach to contact with both parents is in the child's best interests.

 

I don't know for sure, but I think she doesn't want too much contact. when I ask why she hasn't called me, her mother just says they've been busy.

 

It might be better to take a more proactive approach. In writing (in a letter). To say that you want to build up contact in a way that doesn't cause too many disruptions to your daughter's routine. Then invite your ex to specify a good time for you to call (even, say, just one evening during the week to start with). If she comes back with "too busy" excuses, I think the best approach is to remain civil but to be very firm. "Too busy" is not good enough.

 

If you don't want to go down the lawyer route at this stage, another option could be to invite her to attend family mediation with a view to reaching an agreement about increased contact. You don't need to accept being pushed out of your daughter's life. There are things you can do to ensure that you are very much a part of her life.