GypsyGirl966 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Four months ago, we told our daughter we were splitting up. She is 16. On Tuesday her dad, 'made' her go on a date with him and his girlfriend. He claims our daughter said "okay" and it was "fine" and she seemed "indifferent" about the whole event. Our daughter is a lot like me. She looks like me, she acts like me. The new girlfriend is much, much different. I'm worried that our daughter subconsciously believes her dad is rejecting me for this new 'different' woman (I know that's not it, but I can't tell my kid that), and my daughter is now attempting to reject me before he dad can reject her too (because she is a lot like me). I have always been her rock, and my daughter brings all of her serious, adult decisions to me (her dad is the fun one). Wednesday she was still staying with her dad, yet she called me in the middle of the night to tell me she was sick and ask me to come get her in the morning and take her to urgent care as soon as it opened. Yesterday my daughter started raging at me and telling me I'm an unfit mother and that she wants her dad to have sole custody. The rage started when I defended a routine decision made by one of my daughter's teachers (my daughter was mad at the teacher, and I was trying to explain why the teacher *might* have done what she did). She claims that her and I are "too much alike" and she just can't live with me, it's not "healthy" for her to live with me. I am at a loss here. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 What a terribly confusing thing divorce is to children. With that said, this is about boundaries and her trying to push them. She wants the fun one to be her primary parent because he is easier to dupe and manipulate. Also, she may feel she doesn't want to lose him. Joint custody, if you live in the same town, would be best, of course and that is what needs to happen. Enlist the aid of your former husband to talk to her about respecting you and honoring your role as her mother and rock. Then get her to a therapist that specializes in divorce for children. She has a lot of confusion obviously and also a lot of fear about what her role is now. As a father, I can honestly tell you that we can't fix everything. Sometimes they are going to resent us and sometimes we are going to feel hurt and exposed by their raw anger at the unfairness of life. You are the safe place for her to take it out on. However, she needs to respect you and treat you with kindness...make sure you place those boundaries now. Terribly sorry you are going through this, Grumps 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 You and her dad need a united front of joint custody. From both of you, the answer needs to be a consistent: This is how it is. Will he back you up on that? I echo Grumpy on holding the standard of kindness and respect. I dealt with this with my own teen recently when making a decision that wasn't appreciated. They can be upset, and they can express their upset appropriately. Disrespect and nastiness results in consequences (and talks...always talks where I primarily listen to what my child is going through). Link to post Share on other sites
chapter44 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Ahhh the teenage years - such a fun time! First and foremost please know this is completely "age appropriate" behavior for a child whose parents are divorced. If you wait a day I am sure the situation will diffuse itself. Behind the scenes I would speak to her father and let him know what transpired and mutually agree that the current parenting arrangement will remain in place. If she choses to bring the topic up again I would calmly say "that is not an option, your father and I discussed it and you are welcomed to visit him anytime you like but we have agreed that cannot go live with the other parent just because you are upset with me". Hope that helps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Your daughter is not you and you are not her, no matter how much you compare. There in lays the one issue. She is a unique person and if she is showing rebellion behavior then go with it. Listen to her as if she were a complete stranger ( cuz sometimes they are!). Validate her , she deserves to have an unbias person hear her out. In less then two years she will be an adult and slowly we must find ways to transcend that they are UNDER our corporal rules. Some rules can be simply respecting each others differences as challenges come about. Find a middle ground... I do feel for you as a parent, it hurts to see your child suddenly do a 180... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Ahhh the teenage years - such a fun time! First and foremost please know this is completely "age appropriate" behavior for a child whose parents are divorced. If you wait a day I am sure the situation will diffuse itself. Behind the scenes I would speak to her father and let him know what transpired and mutually agree that the current parenting arrangement will remain in place. If she choses to bring the topic up again I would calmly say "that is not an option, your father and I discussed it and you are welcomed to visit him anytime you like but we have agreed that cannot go live with the other parent just because you are upset with me". Hope that helps. This. This is likely an "teenage" issue rather that one due to the divorce, you, or your xH new girlfriend. She would probably have her little teenager tantrum even if you two were still together. As far as living with her dad, you can let the courts make that decision, and although she is old enough to have a say, they will speak with you and dad first, and once she tells them that her reason for wanting the change is because she thinks you're an unfit mother because she doesn't like you agreeing with the teacher, they won't grant it. They don't really like to make changes in custody, let alone for unwarranted reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GypsyGirl966 Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 Well, the last few days have been, exhausting. This is the longest and angriest she has ever 'raged', but she appears to be over it. We are done talking about it for now. I will wait for her to bring it up. Her dad is backing me completely, at least behind the scenes. To her directly, he is using the divorce papers as the reason why nothing will change right now. We put it in the divorce papers that if there are parenting / custody issues we must first attend 10 family counseling sessions and, if that doesn't work, we enlist a mediator certified in family law and, if that doesn't work, then we can petition the courts. He explained these terms to our daughter on Thursday, and told her that would be the course we would have to pursue. That's just him, he is indirect and looks for ways to point to something other than himself as the decision maker. I'm getting the names of some counselors, then I'm going to wait for her to ask. Her reaction was disproportionately off the charts, so there had to have been a lot of issues that were weighing on her and she snapped. She seems to be doing okay now though. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Does the family counseling mean she'll be going too? That would be good. Try not to take her words personally. She's hurting, badly. You are the safe parent, so it's going to be you who she feels safe to rage against. She will likely NEVER rage at her dad because she's afraid he'll just dump her, too. Stay strong, don't get emotional, stay loving, always keep open arms, let her tell you anything, and never judge. Read up everything you can find about Authoritative Parenting. You ABSOLUTELY need to learn it and practice it; it's the preferred method for raising kids. I can explain more if you need, but I did it, while most of DD25's friends' parents didn't. And nearly every one of them is now a single parent, a young married parent of kids, living at home with no future, or has made other major bad decisions, mainly because they felt they 'had' to rebel against their parents. The authoritative parenting style: A guide for the science-minded parent Characteristics of the Authoritative Parenting Style Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 With all due respect, the stuff in your divorce papers about mediation and all that is ridiculous. Your daughter is basically an adult and this custody stuff should be a non-issue at this stage. Aside from that, the things that are in place for resolving things would move with the speed of Congress. How could you ever get anything resolved? If I were you, I'd drop all the custody stuff and tell your daughter that she's free to live with whoever she wants to live with. It's extremely unlikely that she'll stay with her dad once she gets a taste of reality. She's just digging her heels in and needs to figure it out in her own. As far as the rage and disrespect she's showing, I'd put a stop to that immediately. Teenager or not, that's unacceptable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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