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I have two boys under two years old. Their dad hasn't brought me to court for anything yet. We never married and where i'm at, the mother has all the rights. He sees them one or twice a week with me always being present. I do not trust him, he has HUGE anger problems,he's a manipulative narcissist, he smokes weed 24/7, drugs, alcohol. Has a felony for attempted murder. Porn addict and chronic cheater. Anyway i'm tthinking that if he did ever bring me to court he would only get supervised visitation. He has threatened bringing me to court for the last two years.

 

Today he just told me that he will bring me in the next year when he has enough money. When yout hire a lawyer, do you need all of the money upfront? I thought you could make payments or something else with them? Has anyone else's ex did this with them, but then never brought them to court? And if he didn't have all of the money for a lawyer at the moment, couldn't he work something out with them if it was really that important to him?

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Every lawyer is different.

 

Some will work on a payment plan but most want a contingency payment up front.

 

If you know he does all these drugs and whatnot, why not file a restraining order to keep him from you and let the legal system deal with him?

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GunslingerRoland

I think you should make sure to gather as much information as you can now to show why he'd be in an unfit parent. Considering hiring a PI if you think you can get footage of him using drugs, sleeping around, any other stuff you can find. If he has any anger outbursts, document them clearly and traceably somewhere when they happen. This will make the situation way easier when you go to court and should cut down on your legal costs.

 

Yes I know PI's aren't free but they charge way less than a lawyer.

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I have done a restraining order when he damaged my house. When he is angry, I am afraid of him. When I did the restraining order, the place chief said they would for sure take his gun since he's a felon. Well they never did and after talking to the police, just figured since they can't do anything, if he wanted to come after me, no restraining order is going to stop him.

 

If hiring a PI, if it shows him sleeping around, would that be a thing to use against him? I just figure, that people have sex and who he's sleeping with won't matter to the courts.

 

I have a ton of documented things on him that I've saved over the years. So if he did bring me to court, I'd have a lot of evidence. I didn't know he was this type of person when we were together, it all came out towards the end when I finally left him because he is so insane! He is a VERY good liar.

 

I just would think that if his kids are that important to him, he would have already tried to get custody/visitation. But iI'm thinking he hasn't because he knows he doesn't really have a chance? But I don't know if that is his thinking.

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I think he's just blowing hot air. Given his criminal past, how can he himself afford a lawyer? Plus, you already said that you live in an area where the mother has all the rights, if the parents are not married (which is the case in a lot of countries, btw)......anyways - that combined with attempted murder charges (whattt????) and you having documented everything (he tried to damage your house??) - Jesus - he doesn't have a leg to stand on. And if he's not completely dumb, he knows it. You have no reason to worry about custody - the only thing I'd worry about is safety. I'm sure you can find a pro bono lawyer somewhere or some legal assistance service that's (almost) free. Google it or go to the courthouse for a recommendation.

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Whenever I've hired a lawyer I didn't already have a relationship with, and for matters other than divorce, I generally paid them a 500-1K retainer up front by check, then they put my on monthly billing that I could pay via check or credit card, with the caveat of the latter that only actual billed time could be paid and not one penny more. I finally settled on a law firm that could direct me to the different personal and business lawyers at the firm so retainers ended.

 

I'm assuming you want sole custody with supervised visitation and want a court order covering that. YMMV but the last time I had some judge time (custody of a different sort, for a mentally ill person), the actual court prep and court time and court fees ran me a bit over 3 grand.

 

Most lawyers I approached offered free consultations. IMO, ask around and find out who's good at this custody stuff and see about some consultations. You might learn a bit about what's possible and not. Most of the time the lawyers gave me an hour to 90 minutes of their time, then asked me if I wanted to retain them. Some no, some yes. If yes, that time went against the retainer as it was work product.

 

Your court may have some alternatives. Check with the family law department and see if any self-help or referrals are available. Your issues are fairly common ones. Good luck!

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I have two boys under two years old. Their dad hasn't brought me to court for anything yet. We never married and where i'm at, the mother has all the rights. He sees them one or twice a week with me always being present. I do not trust him, he has HUGE anger problems,he's a manipulative narcissist, he smokes weed 24/7, drugs, alcohol. Has a felony for attempted murder. Porn addict and chronic cheater. Anyway i'm tthinking that if he did ever bring me to court he would only get supervised visitation. He has threatened bringing me to court for the last two years.

 

Today he just told me that he will bring me in the next year when he has enough money. When yout hire a lawyer, do you need all of the money upfront? I thought you could make payments or something else with them? Has anyone else's ex did this with them, but then never brought them to court? And if he didn't have all of the money for a lawyer at the moment, couldn't he work something out with them if it was really that important to him?

 

I strongly suspect he's just blowing smoke to try to throw you off and get you worried. It sounds like the reality is you have all the advantages and he has none - you're the mother in a place that favors mothers in custody matters, he has a (violent) criminal history and history of drug use, etc., and I have a feeling he has no means to fight you in court in any way. It's doubtful imo that anyone would do any pro bono work for him, so that means he's ponying up cash just like you and it sounds like it's harder for him to come by it than you. Thus the need to blow smoke - that's all he's got.

 

I have done a restraining order when he damaged my house. When he is angry, I am afraid of him. When I did the restraining order, the place chief said they would for sure take his gun since he's a felon. Well they never did and after talking to the police, just figured since they can't do anything, if he wanted to come after me, no restraining order is going to stop him.

 

If hiring a PI, if it shows him sleeping around, would that be a thing to use against him? I just figure, that people have sex and who he's sleeping with won't matter to the courts.

 

I have a ton of documented things on him that I've saved over the years. So if he did bring me to court, I'd have a lot of evidence. I didn't know he was this type of person when we were together, it all came out towards the end when I finally left him because he is so insane! He is a VERY good liar.

 

I just would think that if his kids are that important to him, he would have already tried to get custody/visitation. But iI'm thinking he hasn't because he knows he doesn't really have a chance? But I don't know if that is his thinking.

 

Regarding the restraining order and the felony, he's not at liberty to own or possess any firearms under those conditions. Do you know he still has the gun for a fact or is he possibly just telling you that too?

 

With the PI, his associating with 'people of ill-repute' like drug dealers etc. could indeed have a negative effect (for him) on your custody arrangements, but I doubt that's necessary given all his other issues. Regardless, if you hired an attorney at some point, they could arrange PI work for you. I wouldn't undertake it before then.

 

You're probably right about your last paragraph. I'd just try to relax and keep in mind that this sort of torment is about all he's got available to him to bother you with. :)

 

You may want to go on the offensive tho and attempt to get sole custody with no visitation whatsoever based on your fears that he's an unacceptable risk to the kids. Do that thru a lawyer if you do.

 

Has all your child custody/friend of the court stuff so far been done without one?

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Clarence_Boddicker

Check with your local low cost legal aid groups. You can also file your own responses & such to save on fees.

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UpwardForward

Hopefully with all his bad habits, he may never be able to come up with the money for an attorney's retainer.

 

Though many attorneys will give a free consultation, they normally want some money in advance, if they take the case.

 

You may want to ask for an attorney's advice, should your children's father follow through. Call around to family practice attorneys and ask if they give free consultation regarding how to prepare in advance.

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He has threatened bringing me to court for the last two years.

 

Is "bringing [you] to court" the most specific that this inept threat gets? Any statement of what he wants from the court? Keep in mind he would need facts and law on his side to get anywhere with the court.

 

The fact that your ex has been convicted of attempted murder, one of the most serious violent felonies out there, means there is nil chance that he will be given custody anywhere in the USA. (I'm assuming you don't have any felonies or other serious disqualifiers yourself.) Even supervised visitation would be a stretch for him. Effect of Felony Conviction on Divorce and Custody Cases

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Jen1447, is it possible to get solecustody with no visitation?? I've never heard of anyone doing that? And yes, everything so far has been done without the courts. I've been allowing him to see my boys during the week at a public place like the park. Which is hard, because I dont even want him around my kids and dont think of him as their dad either.

 

And he does have a rifle, I know that forsure. I told the cop who was going to serve him the restaining order and he said he can ask him if he has a gun, but he cant go in and get it. And obviously he wouldnt be honest with the cop about having a gun, because then he would get sent back to prison. Which I dont understand because he is a threat to everyone having that gun.

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SoleMate, yes all he's ever said is i'm bringing you to court or i'll see you in court. I'm sure he's probably said once or twice that he's going to fight for custody. With his felony though, since it was 10 years ago, that the courts would not even take that into consideration. Which really scares me, because that has to do with his horrible anger. I myself dont have any kind of record or any arrests. Have never been in trouble with the law. I also have an amazing family and support system and he does not.

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Clarence_Boddicker

If he's a convicted felon, it's a federal felony to possess any modern firearm or modern ammunition. It's also illegal in most states. Leos usually take felon in possession very seriously. Get a recording of him threatening you & hopefully mentioning using a firearm.

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Jen1447, is it possible to get solecustody with no visitation?? I've never heard of anyone doing that? And yes, everything so far has been done without the courts. I've been allowing him to see my boys during the week at a public place like the park. Which is hard, because I dont even want him around my kids and dont think of him as their dad either.

 

And he does have a rifle, I know that forsure. I told the cop who was going to serve him the restaining order and he said he can ask him if he has a gun, but he cant go in and get it. And obviously he wouldnt be honest with the cop about having a gun, because then he would get sent back to prison. Which I dont understand because he is a threat to everyone having that gun.

I think sole custody w/out visitation is possible in extreme cases. Probably varies from place to place. You'd have to be able to show the court that he's specifically a threat to your children's well-being.

 

Are the weekday visits in the park a court-mandated thing (like where they said he gets to see them twice a week for one hour in a neutral location of your choosing, etc.)?

 

SoleMate, yes all he's ever said is i'm bringing you to court or i'll see you in court. I'm sure he's probably said once or twice that he's going to fight for custody. With his felony though, since it was 10 years ago, that the courts would not even take that into consideration. Which really scares me, because that has to do with his horrible anger. I myself dont have any kind of record or any arrests. Have never been in trouble with the law. I also have an amazing family and support system and he does not.

 

I'm pretty sure child custody courts don't disregard serious violent felony conviction records after 10 years have passed. That kind of thing pretty much sticks with you forever.

 

Most of his routine sounds like smoke and mirrors honestly. If he actually was able and intended to 'fight you in court' etc., there'd be no good reason for him to tell you that.

 

Is the restraining order in effect right now? If so, how does that work with his visitation rights?

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If he's a convicted felon, it's a federal felony to possess any modern firearm or modern ammunition. It's also illegal in most states. Leos usually take felon in possession very seriously. Get a recording of him threatening you & hopefully mentioning using a firearm.

 

This is a good idea. Also, if he is acting obviously high. And if you SEE drug paraphernalia, get a picture with your phone. Also keep a journal of anything that even SEEMS wrong or odd.

 

And even if they didn't do much last time, if you ever feel you need a restraining order, get one. It is a record and paper trail.

 

If he texts of emails these threats, keep every one.

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Sweet Workaholic
I think sole custody w/out visitation is possible in extreme cases. Probably varies from place to place. You'd have to be able to show the court that he's specifically a threat to your children's well-being.

 

Are the weekday visits in the park a court-mandated thing (like where they said he gets to see them twice a week for one hour in a neutral location of your choosing, etc.)?

 

 

 

I'm pretty sure child custody courts don't disregard serious violent felony conviction records after 10 years have passed. That kind of thing pretty much sticks with you forever.

 

Most of his routine sounds like smoke and mirrors honestly. If he actually was able and intended to 'fight you in court' etc., there'd be no good reason for him to tell you that.

 

Is the restraining order in effect right now? If so, how does that work with his visitation rights?

 

In most states, child custody courts can take into consideration *anything* the judge feels is relevant. This is not a civil suit between you and your ex where there are rules of evidence etc. The law allows great latitude in this situation because what is driving it (or supposed to be) is not who is 'in the right' but 'the best interest of the child.'

 

For example (I happened to investigate this one), if I nominate my sister to be guardian of my children if I die, the court is bound to consider that nomination but is not bound to follow it. The court is free to do almost anything 'in the best interest of the child.'

 

This probably makes sense given that life is so unpredictable and children aren't possessions. Whether it is good law we can argue. The point is, I would be relatively confident that the custody judge would take into account a 10-year old felony conviction.

 

The problem with sociopaths is that they can get set off easily. If you take some active step (getting sole custody without visitation) it may provoke him to go to court or to start hanging around your kids' schools or other ugly things. There is no right answer and I would never second-guess what you choose to do in your particular situation, but one possibility is to see a lawyer, explore your options, prepare your case and then do nothing unless/until you are forced to.

 

Having him see your kids in a park once a week and listening to him say 'see you in court' every week may be a better situation than the one in which you may find yourself if you provoke him.

 

Feel free to flame me .... I know this probably won't be popular advice :) But sometimes the best thing to do with a sociopath is leave them with the illusion that they are in control. Strip that away and they may go bonkers.

 

Whatever you do, don't think a restraining order protects you. The police cannot watch you 24/7 nor can they get there in time to help if your ex goes postal. It does leave a record and in some cases it may scare the guy away. But it does not by itself keep you safe.

 

Great resource is the book "The Gift of Fear" about self-protection. Written by a security consultant, super insightful and helpful.

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Exactly, and that is what ive been trying to do is to not upset him ex, like never letting him see my kids. And luckily i realize that, and that a restaining order doesnt really do anything to protect me much with a man like him. And I do know that if i upset him, he will come after me or show up at my house and be crazy. I mean he's already shot at a man (thats how he got his felony) so if angered enough, what would stop himfrom shooting at me or my family!? I pray all the time for God to give me wisdom in this situation and for protection for my kids and myself. I NEVER thought I would be so afraid and concerned with the father of my kids and it is one of the worst feelings.

 

I just am concerned about what he'll do when i get married some day. I am really hoping and praying that he moves away.

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Sweet Workaholic

He'll falls for someone else, or get in conflict with someone else.

 

Again, I can't judge in your situation and don't mean to second guess you.

 

But if you can (without endangering yourself or kids) keep the drama to a minimum and avoid conflict, he may seek conflict elsewhere. Sociopaths need to have someone to hate and fight in their life. If you can avoid being that person he may seek it elsewhere.

 

He'll always provoke because what he seeks is conflict. If he provokes over something serious and substantial you have to respond. But if he says "see you in court," and you just look down and don't say anything, he may feel he's in control. If this goes on long enough he may get bored and seek a conflict with a new lover, a new boss, his landlord, etc.

 

Google your local battered women's or domestic violence hotline. Whether he has hit you or not, you are in fear of physical violence and they will be happy to talk to you and help you figure out legal and counseling resources in your area.

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I too believe he is just making threats to control you. I would check out a book like 'Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It's a great read about controlling and abusive people.

 

I would seriously consult with a few lawyers. Many offer free consultations. Then you at least know costs, some things to do in the meantime, etc. I would also document everything - interact (if there is any) only via email, record in a journal anything your see/hear, take pictures, etc.

 

Basically family court is a civil trial so whoever has more evidence is usually who is believed. It's basically a he said she said situation. So you may not need a PI at this point but save any evidence of what is happening in a safe place.

 

It's different in every jurisdiction but in mine they take into account convictions, drugs, and alcohol abuse very seriously. DV without a conviction are not treated very seriously by my local court. That is why I advise finding out what you can do to protect yourself within the local laws.

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