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"Help my 5 yr old daughter is uncontrollable!!!"


lilmoma1973

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hey all ,

I have a ? to ask? Does anybody in here have a problem like this? I am at my wits end with this situation and need some serious advice.. My D is 5 yrs old as of September and is a very strong willed defiant little girl.. She won't listen to nothing i say or do!! I am so tired of fighting this battle with her at home.. she is an excellent student in school !! The teachers love her and wish they had more like her.. They say nothing but good things about her .. She never gets at trouble at school at all.. She listen to them no matter what and stays in her chair and participates in everything!! I don't get it what am i doing that is so wrong for her not to listen to me.. I am fed up to my neck with this situation at home !! I punish her if she does wrong she gets away with nothing with me but it don't matter .. she gets her tv taken can't play and i spank her too!! she is so tempermental and when she don't get her way at home she throws one hell of a tantrum and throws stuff !! she stomps on the floor , tells me to do this and that and if i don't she says im lazy and selfish and she going to tell her teacher!! I wish she would give me the respect she gives her teachers nd quit putting me through hell !! Maybe she has somekind of disorder!! I asked the drs about the adhd thing they said there was no way she had that.. she makes me not ever want another child cause she is all i can handle !! please give me some advice i need it!!!! thanks

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hahahah i could have written this myself.

 

mine is 4, and exactly the same. frustrating isnt it.

 

bet yours is really clever too, nothing gets passed her, she learns absolutely everything at the drop of a hat.

 

i have taken my lil monster to the childminders and had her so adamant that she doesnt wanna go that shes attempts to jump out of the car whilst its moving.

 

its called growing up, shes getting independent, and she will try your patience as much as she has to, walk away and leave her when she has a tantrum. let her throw everything around, when shes calmed down (and you) ask her to help you pick them back up.

 

never show any emotions when she is having a tantrum, just completely ignore her. sing, dance, do anything just ignore her.

 

when she calms down, praise her, tell her what a lovely girl she is when she isnt shouting/screaming/throwing things.

 

its a phase it will pass............bring on the teenage years....then we really got trouble :D

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HokeyReligions

If the sorts of punishments you give are not working - stop giving them, they do no good. What kind of rewards do you give for good behavior?

 

YOU are the parent and you can't let her tell you what to do.

tells me to do this and that and if i don't she says im lazy and selfish and she going to tell her teacher

Do you actually take her threats seriously and let her get away with them? She is manipulating you. If she has been bad at home, talk to her teachers yourself and tell them what is going on so that if she does complain to them they will know where its coming from and can deal with it there.

 

You need to toughen up because the "I hate you" will be issuing from her mouth soon (if it hasn't already) and that is hard for a parent to hear, even when the parent knows its just words the kids use to manipulate and that they don't mean them.

 

Reward her for good behavior with a bedtime story or special treat like a trip to a park or watching a favorite movie or playing a game with her, and find other forms of punishment that will have an impact on her. I am pro-spanking (that's a whole 'nuther thread) but if it doesn't work then don't do it.

 

Be strong. Ignore the tantrums. Don't let her see that she gets to you.

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ohhhh one thing that does work with my little girl..........her teachers think shes fantastic, so if i tell her that i might have a word with them, and let them know how bad she can be at home......she often calms down.

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thanks for all the replys!! i am so dreading the teenage yrs saffy!! i do reward her and read to her hokey .. it isn't she don't get any attention .. she gets plenty .. yes she is very independent and no i don't do what she says at all .. i laugh when she makes these requests !! i will talk with her teacher when they go back to school.. i need some help with this situation and she really likes these teachers maybe they can help me.. i have told them from day one the way she was and they never see that side.. they think she is a an angel when really she is a devil lol .. i love her to death and she is a very intellegent child but im so tired of this situation

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lol i laff at mine too sometimes, but not in any way that she can see, that would just wind her up more.

 

my mum keeps saying with a smug grin "what goes around comes around" when i tell her........im really not sure what she means. hehe

 

 

its just cos shes a bit more active intellectually that shes like this....she needs more to keep her mind occupied.

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hey saffy

thanks again for the reply .. the teacher tells me she needs to be busy too !! so having a very smart child requires alot lol .. no i don't laugh at her in front of her.. my mom said that same say that your mom said lol.. but i think she acts like her dad with the temper and all !! thanks for all the replys!!

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The_Analyzer

You stated your daughter does well in school, doesn't get in trouble, listens etc. So its basically at home she acts this way? I have some questions for ya. When she gets upset about somthing, how do you handle it? Do you talk to her in a calm manner? Do you ignore it? Do you get upset yourself? I'm gonna use my brother and his wife as an example. First I'm not saying this is the way it is in your household, but just something to think about.

 

My brother and his wife have a 6 year old daughter. She acts pretty much the same way you described your daughter does. She also does good at school, smart, teachers love her etc. At home its a totally different situation. This is why, her home life is different than school all because how her parents treat her and handle things. Kids learn what they see, and hear. Her parents would argue, fuss and fight in front of her. Their fuses were already short because of the problems in the marriage etc, so when it came to their daughter, no matter what she did or said had a negative reaction from her parents.

 

Their daughter would react to them, the way they acted to her first. She saw them fuss and fight, then they would fuss and fight with her, damaging her spirit in the way they would say things to her. She would see her father throw something across the room because he was mad, so one day when their daughter didn't get her way about something, she threw something too. Know why? She thought because her dad did it, then it was acceptable behaviour. Shes learning what shes seeing. It would amaze me because then he would come to me and say he didn't know what was wrong with his daughter. I'm thinking to myself, "look in the mirror."

 

Please understand I'm not saying this is the way it is in your house or why shes acting the way she is. It very well could be its like the other posters said. However sometimes you have to look at the whole picture as to how a child might be behaving. There could be a number of contributing factors to it. My brother and his wife also, wanted so bad to pin point something else on the child meaning they wanted her to be diagnosed with something, just so it would ease their minds about not taking the blame for them being a contriubuting factor to why she acted the way she did. They ended up taking her to the doctors, counselors ect, when they were told nothing was medically wrong, ect, they told them everything else had been ruled out, so they wanted the parents to get into some counseling and change their ways as far as the way they talked, acted and handled things with their daughter. Once they did, they saw a very big improvement. They couldn't help fix their daughter until they fixed themselves.

 

Your daughter probably does well at school, because IF shes in any kind of negative environment, its probably not like that at school. Teachers are usually trained or taught to how to speak to kids in an effectivie manner to get their point across. They don't holler at them, they don't argue, they don't say mean things or break the childs spirit. They build it up.

 

Anyway my point is, if you don't do any of the following, I mentioned as far as the way you act or react to your daughter, then maybe its something else, but I would try all things possible first. Sometimes all it takes is a simple change in the parent or parents reactions to things. Good luck.

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hey analyzer,

thanks for the reply i think you are totally right !! you hit the nail right on the head everything you said about your brothers wife and their daughter is a perfect example of what goes on in our household... we argue in front of her and H throws things when he is mad!! she see it and mirrors what we do when she is communicating with us!! i know we shouldn't do that but we do and now we have to stop this problem!! she is a great kid when she wants to be and very smart!! we have to stop arguing!! my ss also acts like he don't want her around.. she gets alot of attention from us !! but i guess the arguing outways that .. thanks again that was great advice.. i couldn't understand why this was happening at home...

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The_Analyzer

"she gets alot of attention from us."

 

 

The question is what kind? Does the negative attention out weigh the positive attention? Sometimes too, kids will do, say or act in anyway they know how to get attention from their parents, be it positive or negative. I'm not meaning things like hugging or kissing her etc, I meaning the way things are handled. Anyway, have you all been in counseling or anything? If not, I would suggest going and if you have, maybe continue going. Good luck.

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hey all i think she also has the characteristics of odd here is the website if you are wondering what this happens to be!!http://www.klis.com/chandler/pamphlet/oddcd/about.htm

 

hopes it comes up let me know !!

 

thanks for everything you all have been a big help

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I read the link. Its possible it could be part of it. However, I would do as Analyzer suggested first, then after all attempts to try and work on the things in your house hold, then maybe look into some further options if you don't see an improvement.

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ok i read the link also......and here are the symptoms.....

 

1. Often loses temper

2. often argues with adults

3. often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules

4. often deliberately annoys people

5. often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

6. is often touchy or easily annoyed by others

7. is often angry and resentful

8. is often spiteful and vindictive

 

 

and i challenge any parent on this site to tell me that their child does not show ALL of these symptoms from time to time

 

 

 

jeeeeeeez!!!! this is one thing that annoys me, yes sometimes kids need a little bit of extra attention but do people really have to go this far!

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The_Analyzer

Saffy, that was my whole point for my first post. Yes kids do some of those things in the link that was provided. However I think sometimes parents are quick to assume something is wrong with their child, when in fact SOMETIMES the real problem can be right in front of the parents face, its themselves. I'm not saying its like that for all kids and their parents, because some kids do have some kind of medical or emotional problems but sometimes too, it can start with the parents and the way the do things that leads to kids behaving the way they do. I think parents should try everything they can first before taking a child to a doctor etc, when the problem could be easliy resolved at home. Then if nothing works there maybe taking it to the next step.

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sorry i did seem to rant a lil bit there :rolleyes:

 

 

i agree with you totally, i mean the options here are

 

a) the parents take a great big long look at how things are at home, and do everything they can, in their power to make things better

 

b) drag the kid off to some kind of psychologist who will spend many years analysing that child......who will in return grow up thinking that there is something wrong with them, and probably end up completely dysfunctional, when the whole time the problem was that mum and dad just couldnt communicate.

 

 

 

now lets toss a coin and see which we should do first huh?

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hey analyzer,

i know where the problem is it lies between me and my h and our arguing .. i just thought she that was very interesting and seen where she showed some of these symptoms.. yes we are in counseling but not with her .. just my h and myself.. h has an violent temper and trying to work through it ...thanks for everything

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hey saffy,

i would say a in my case... because it has to do with the home in this situation !!! thanks again..

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honestly, your little girl does sound a lot like mine, just a normal growing independent kid that is finding her own ways to vent.

 

 

good luck with the counselling <hugz>

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hey saffy,

thanks for the advice and i totally agree with you on being an independent child but it can be frustrating and very aggrevating .. thanks again !!

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  • 4 weeks later...
Originally posted by _Saffy_

ok i read the link also......and here are the symptoms.....

 

1. Often loses temper

2. often argues with adults

3. often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules

4. often deliberately annoys people

5. often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

6. is often touchy or easily annoyed by others

7. is often angry and resentful

8. is often spiteful and vindictive

 

 

and i challenge any parent on this site to tell me that their child does not show ALL of these symptoms from time to time

 

HaHaHa! :laugh::laugh: thats MY kids EVERYDAY!!all three are still at home(the oldest just turned five--cant I wait for school!)And ALL day it is a juggle for which of the three is in one of these moods at any given time!

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the best advice I can give you is to keep her OCCUPIED with some activity. Got laundry? ask her for help with putting it in the dryer. let her help shred lettuce in a bowl...even if ya dont EAT it, whats it cost--Less then a dollar! Or the old make a game with toy pick-up(my kids never fell for it...)Or get those little glue sticks and let her cut old magazines and glue them on paper...just watch she doesnt get creative with her hair. Go for a walk--even to go around the block is an adventure to a kid.Walk to a store and tell her she can pick a candy or fruit for herself or a drink for the way back(bring straws). I go NUTZ with my kids, but the best days are when I get them active and occupied. And its sooo hard to be nice(the adult) when one of them seems to be so rotten!And I spank, when they need it...when they hurt one another or do something STUPID like twisties in the electric socket, or Black permanent marker on my new couch.... But more often, they get there hand rapped-I make them hold their hand out and smack it,or a whoop on the tush, then they have a time out.When done, they get hugs and we make up--thats important for them to know,that you love them even when naughty. most times I just give "the LOOK" and they know they went too far.Yeah, try to perfect "the Look"...it helps.

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