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Children withdrawn following divorce


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I am glad I found this site!

 

I have two girls in their teenage years and as a result of a messy divorce they have withdrawn from me and that has a lot to do with how my exwife talks about them to me. I get it, she hates me, but they shouldn't be involved in our fight!

 

What can I do to make them realize that I'm not as bad as mommy says I am?

 

You'd think they'd know that by now but it's like they have been brainwashed. I don't blame them but I am very frustrated!

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That really sucks dude. Two thoughts:

 

1. They're teenagers right now and subject to the influence of their mother. But in the grand scheme of things they're going to be adults and capable of seeing the truth a LOT longer than they're going to be teenagers.

 

2. Be the greatest man you can be. Do not speak ill of their mother. Be great. Be caring. Be mature. Be supportive. Be there for them. Be a great father. They'll make up their own minds soon enough.

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It's normal for girls to be this way anyway, at that age. Just continue to show them good behavior, don't let them get away with stuff, continue to offer time with them. And I would start sending them letters. Real letters, in the real mail. At least once a month, letting them know what's going on in your life, what you're thinking about (hopefully them!), what your hopes are for them, how you're proud of them. It may sound weird but trust me, they will come to cherish those letters. You may not get a connection back with them until later, but it will come.

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  • 2 weeks later...
adreamwithinadream

It is so wrong for a parent to make the children think you are a bad person just because you and her didn't work out. Try to be there for your daughters as much as you can. Treat them good and try to talk to them as much as you can. They will know that you are still a good dad. Just give it time.Hope everything works out.

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My stepmom did that to my dad. My father was villianised even though my step mom cheated and abused me and my sister, put my father through attempted murder charges and deportation. Meanwhile, my father faithfully paid child support and kept his last contact number for the kids (no matter where we moved). Guilt makes people do awful things when gone unresolved. 20 years later.. My dad had to prove it to my siblings that he never gave up on them through government and legal records ... he literally needed documentation!! But did it do anything? No, the family remains split. My estrange brother and sister are loyal to their mother and makes for a superficial reunion. Kids do grow up but deep seated feelings of resentment grow too.

Stop fighting!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop defending yourself. I know it's what your doing but children don't know the difference between defense and aggression, it's all the same to them. STOP FIGHTING! keep your door open and be there and stay focused on THEM and THEIR development. Being a part of their present lives is more important than ur ex and the past.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Sweet Workaholic

So sorry to hear

 

There is no perfect solution

 

On the teen years try "get out of my life but first can you drive me & Cheryl to the mall?" - great book about parenting teens

 

To the extent you can, insist on your designated time with them. Even if they hate the time together, nothing manifests caring like giving time. One day it will register

 

If they refuse to spend time with you, suggest joint counseling (you and daughters). Most likely, they'd prefer to have dinner with you than to see a counselor! You can even offer that choice to them.

 

Never ever miss parents night at school, school concerts, plays, etc etc. Always be there regardless of how you are treated. Take them on college visits and be there when they move into dorm. Be 10% there as a parent would be even if not appreciated.

 

As others have said, never diss your ex. Say good things about her as a person and a mother. It will take time (months or years) but this will make an impression.

 

Teens take this harder than any other age. As others have said, they'll grow up and learn a more nuanced view. Stay the course and be patient

 

Perhaps see a teen therapist by yourself - give more detail, get more insights.

 

So sorry - hang in there

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I am glad I found this site!

 

I have two girls in their teenage years and as a result of a messy divorce they have withdrawn from me and that has a lot to do with how my exwife talks about them to me. I get it, she hates me, but they shouldn't be involved in our fight!

 

What can I do to make them realize that I'm not as bad as mommy says I am?

 

You'd think they'd know that by now but it's like they have been brainwashed. I don't blame them but I am very frustrated!

 

OK messy divorce, but what is the story behind it?

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