! My mom is sleeping in her car right now!

[Blue08]

I live 8hrs away and came down to visit my mom with 6 kids in the freaking van! Well today is day 2 of visit. My parents our divorced and my dad and his relatives live about an hour and a half away. this is my home town I also have old friends here. I was supposed to go and see my Dad and his side of the family Sat. and when I told her that she said, "Your Dad always has to interfere with my time." this just kinda ticks me off because not only should I see my dad when I am here but it is also My time. Well my dad called today and wanted to know if I wanted to meet him tomorrow night at one of my old friend's dads cabin. My dad is friends with her dad and my friends are going to be there and they have kids. and blah blah blah all the kids can play and we can take them out on the boat. My mom got an attitude when I told her this and made a similar comment as the one before. I told her I am almost 30yrs old. and she wanted to know WHO made these plans and I just walked away, bc i don't see why it matters. Then I tried talking to her a little later and she just turns it around on my saying she doesn't care what I do. I feel like it is just ****ing bull****. I am so sick of it. I come here every and make time to spend with friends and family. I put the effort in. She hardly ever comes to visit me there is always a reason why she can't. This year she actually has a reason, but I tried talking to her about that and she just flies off the handle and says that I think she is a piece of **** mother and I never said that at all. I don't see why when I come back to visit I feel like I have to walk around on eggshells all the time bc she is so sensitive. When I come to visit she likes to stay up late and if I don't I can tell she frustrated with because we are spending time together, but I have to get up at 6am with the little ones. She gets to sleep in. Then me and the kids will get up and she will sleep to 1pm. There have been times when we were leaving to go back home in the early am's she doesn't even get out of bed to say goodbye. I don't like it, but it is what it is I guess. I just feel as though to have this relationship to work I have to bite my tongue and be a doormat. I am so sick of being the person who has to do what everybody wants to save the relationship. AND YES MY MOM IS SLEEPING IN HER CAR IN THE FREAKING DRIVEWAY BECAUSE SHE IS MAD AT ME AND BC MY STEP WAS MAKING INNOCENT FUN OF HER SNORING!. GOD HELP ME!!

[d0nnivain]

Your mom is a bit of a drama queen. My suggestion, next time you come visit either stay with dad & visit her or get a hotel. Also don't discuss any plans you may have with mom. Divide your time quietly: first part of the visit with mom; second part with dad. Do not mention one to the other.

[SammySammy]

This is what happens when we don't set and enforce clear boundaries with people.

 

Your mother behaves like this because it has worked for her in the past. Apparently, she has been able to get her way in the past by being rude, selfish, inconsiderate and manipulative. It probably contributed to her divorce also, but she continues to do it because she hasn't learned a better way to communicate with her family.

 

It's way past time she learned. There is no easy way to deal with this situation. Be calm, but assertive and firm. State your position and parameters clearly and stand by them. If she wants to behave irrationally, let her know that's unacceptable and remove yourself from the situation. Staying with dad or getting a hotel as donnivain suggested may be a good idea.

 

Stop walking on eggshells to please this woman. It's time somebody told her NO!

[GoBlue]

I just feel as though to have this relationship to work I have to bite my tongue and be a doormat. I am so sick of being the person who has to do what everybody wants to save the relationship.

 

I am going to assume that this is a rant flowing from the frustration that you feel right now. I am a 50 y/o divorced father and I understand the tug and pull that these kinds of situations create. Your mom is your mom and she probably isn't going to change. You already know what she is like and so when she acts in line with her normal behavior there doesn't have to be a fight. You just smile and say "mom, this is what we are doing." A book that may be helpful is called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. My children frustrate me from time-to-time and there are moments when my feelings are hurt because of their insensitivity. The truth is that they are the only children I have and I shake it off and move onto the next day. Family relationships require patience and forgiveness - grace. Her attitude doesn't need to ruin your time. Brush it off and go see your dad. She will come around.

[Blue08]

My mom didn't end up speaking to me for the two days after that. We ended up going to the River on friday, and my step dad called and asked me to pick pizza for when we got home so I thought it was over bc it was my moms idea to pick up pizza. When we got home which it was almost 10pm she wasn't there. Russell said she had gotten upset and said she was going to stay in a hotel. Well she didn't and she came back walked right back into her and closed the doors. When she came out my step dad and I were talking about the business we run. I also sat down and showed him the website I had made. She made a comment a few snoody comments. I took the kids upstairs to get them in bed and then went to go get on the computer to say goodnight to my husband. She turned the wifi off on me so I couldn't use it. Then we were sleeping on a landing area upstairs thats open right into the living room. She sat and there and watched tv with the volume up high, I think just to annoy me. She has a tv in her room and it was also the cartoons that the kids were watching and she doesn't watch cartoons. The next morning i had made my mind up to leave because I was not going to spend our last vacation vein giving the silent treatment. I tried smiling at her she didn't smile back. I tried talking to her saying I would come back and she was crying and told me Im done with you get out.

[Blue08]

I feel guilty because i shouldn't have said anything. But really I am sick of it. I don't like being some one's doormat. I feel the relationship between me and my mom takes a lot of effort. Just a whole lot of tongue biting. Its always her way or no way. My dads side of the family don't get mad that I spend only 1 day with them when I come down and its that way EVERY year. What if i stayed with them the rest and visited with her 1 day, that would not fly. I told her I made an effort to come down here with 6 kids, and she mocked me. Like a ohhh big deal kinda of mocking. It pushes me away when she acts like that. She can't just talk to me like a rational person. I don't feel that I need to apologize I have the right to speek my mind and what I feel in a respectful manner, in which I did. She bought me a $2,000 apple computer for school, and she threw that in my face. I didn't even ask for the computer at all. I think she just might be trying to prove a point like see I love you I got you a computer. But she was like oh thats the computer I'm paying 18months on! ugh! I think I should just send it back.

[Tayla]

The method of communicating is push me. pull you. That is not healthy by any means.

 

Have you considered reframing the responses or inquiries? Sometimes it is ALOT of work to get to the crux of the matter. Yet Its so worth it, when we can find the time to simply say,,,gosh, it sure does sound disappointing! Or Gee Mom, The kids and I would so like to see a cheerful you, what can we do to help you on that? THen let her rant and rave, til one thing pops out that you can achieve? My In laws often had moments, and by the time they were done ranting, we'd find a way to compromise. They weren't really upset at us visiting, they just didn't know how to be direct in - Hey, while you are here, We'd like you to A, B,C. -Which was easy once stated!

[turnera]

Part of growing up is learning to start having boundaries with your parents, if they become toxic. She clearly is living a self-centered life, but that doesn't mean you have to therefore wrap YOUR life around hers. Just calmly reply to her, keep to your boundaries and if she takes it the wrong way, that's on her.