Jump to content

overprotecting, controlling parents and its consequences


Recommended Posts

Just a word of warning - This is going to be a long post! So thank you to those in advance for reading through.

 

I'm almost 32 years old and I believe I have experienced the consequences of over protective, helicopter parenting. All my life literally I have been trying to discover why I am in this perpetual stuckness; no career, little ambition/goals/purpose, still single, still living at home with my parents, basically no future and feeling rather hopeless as I have been for many years now.

 

I'm from the UK but originally my parents are from South Asia and I know in this culture it is common for parents to be very overprotective and their children. Add to this was the fact that they were strong Christians and so I grew up going to church all my life, surrounded by its morals and values. I made a commitment to Christ when I was 14 I'd say but my faith in God has always struggled and been difficult.

 

Growing up, I would have private tuition classes right from the age of 8 to pretty much til I was 18. My dad would constantly feel the need to help me and would get annoyed and upset if I refused his help. I remember one time he started crying when I did. He would sometimes do homework for me! They made sure I was taken care of and essentially made life as easy as possible for me. My dad would pick me up from school even though it was a 10 minute walk home til I was like 16! I always felt I had to be studying and doing homework all the time. I can think of so many examples – I remember when I was 15 my father didn't let me stay round a friends house because he didn't know his parents personally! One time when I was 18 I went to the cinema with my cousin and didn't get back til about midnight. My parents went crazy, found my notebook where I had written down my friends nos (before the days when everyone had a cell phone) and called all my friends to ask where I could be! When I got home and my parents treated me like I had committed murder when all I did was go to the cinema to watch a movie. They have always had this irrational, paranoid, extreme state of mind and over time it's naturally been projected onto me. Obviously at the time, I wasn't able to recognise this.

 

Aside from all of this, I suffered constant criticisms and orders, all these should haves, ought tos etc.

 

So my memories from those years are largely negative. I was treated like I was disobedient or rebellious if I did things my own way or did something they didn't agree with or didn't want to see me doing. It's as if I couldn't make mistakes, if I had failed or did something that was risky. I felt like I couldn't rebel and speak out against this, because it would be seen as being disobedient. Yet to this day I have never really been rebellious. I never smoked, took drugs, hardly ever drink, although I've had serious girlfriends I never slept with any of them (due to my Christian beliefs), never got into a fight, infact I've never once got into any trouble whatsoever at school or in life since then.

 

On top of all this I never received the love, affirmation and positive encouragement that every child and every individual should receive from their parents. It was always negative from my father, he hardly ever praised or encouraged me, whenever he did, it would be performance based (if I got good grades) or did well at sport or something. Never once did they really say and treat me as loved and accepted for who I was, regardless of however I behaved or performed.

 

I have always felt this urge to break free and discover myself. I wanted to study Spanish, yet my dad didn't allow it cos he wanted me to do maths because it would be "appropriate" even though I KNEW I would not enjoy it and ended up doing badly in it. Spanish was my favorite subject and I wish I had done it for my degree/major.

Even as I grew older into my 20s they have treated me in similar ways. For example when I was 26 I went to a friend's party and had like 2 beers got back home and my mum the next morning figured that I had been drinking because she smelt alcohol on my clothes. I remember how upset she was and then my dad wrote me a letter the next day saying how I should not drink alcohol, because it is addictive (when they already know I don't drink)!!! At 26!? They went onto say how children need their parents help irrespective of their age and that families should always be interdependent. No mention whatsoever of being self sufficient, independent, being a fully responsible adult man etc.

 

SO then, is it any surprise now at 32 years of age, I have no idea what to do with my life? I have always been wondering and trying to figure out why I am so dysfunctional, don't have passion in life, why I have very little motivation, why I have this complete failure to launch. It's truly made me realise that the very reason I can't seem to be a man and take control of my own life is due to all what I've described. Every time something went wrong my parents would try and fix it. This constant obsession my father has had that children always NEED their parents has essentially sucked me into this codependency. They've thought that because they've done everything possible for their son, he should be successful and be set for life, when actually it's pushed me further away and I've ended up resenting them. They see me as an extension of themselves. They haven't genuinely cared about what I want, what I need. A true LOVING parent would recognise the essential need for a child at some point in their life to be free, independent to make their own decisions, plan their own lives and take care of themselves and not feel the need to constantly help them and take care of their needs.

 

People always keep saying how ONLY I can make changes, it's up to YOU to take control of your own life and so on. Everything that I've written above surely explains why to this day I'm finding it almost impossible to move on with my life and be independent. It's not knowing what I truly want to do with my life because I've been taken care of for so many years resulting in this disabling complex, I just feel constantly crippled.

 

I could go on of course but I think I will stop at this point because I could elaborate for the rest of the day!

I have read studies and researched this entire area and in nearly every case I read stuff that resonates with me perfectly. The causes and consequences that are outlined of this style of parenting are well documented and psychologists and experts agree that it has devastating effects on both a child at school growing up but also more significantly on the adult person. He/she struggles to become a responsible, functioning adult. It all makes perfect sense. It goes a long way to explaining why I am this way.

 

For example I've picked out two articles here - http://gmwilliams.hubpages.com/hub/C...ed-For-Failure

 

and this one - http://www.positive-parenting-ally.c...r-parents.html

 

“In conclusion, overprotected children are slated for failure in school and in life.

Overprotected children end up to be failures in life in more ways than one. Overprotective parents are only damaging their children and either do not or refuse to acknowledge this. Many overprotected children remain in their symbiotic state until it is quite too late to change!”

 

So is that it then? Am I doomed because it's too late? Is there any hope? I guess that's my main worry. Is there anyway to reverse this now at my age?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
casey.lives

i feel like you were talking about me for a sec, but i can say this has nothing to do with my upbringing. Don't blame your parents for your current problems. that's low.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
i feel like you were talking about me for a sec, but i can say this has nothing to do with my upbringing. Don't blame your parents for your current problems. that's low.

 

Did you even bother reading all my post? Fair enough if you didn't, it was rather long but if you did you'll understand the reasons behind why I've become who I am today. The research and numerous articles on over-protective parenting confirm this view. If you had the type of parenting that I received you would be able to relate.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi John,

 

I relate. Yes I do. I was brought up overprotected and I have to live with the consequences every day.

 

My parent's made me believe there was 1 correct way and I tried to follow it, yet failed miserably and ended up just as you are today....no motivation for school, considerable amount of debt because of having no clue how to handle money, and on top of it, I ended up in a co-dependent relationship with a narcissistic man..and then clung onto him as if he were my ticket to saviour.

 

And still today, I'm depressed, overweight and I feel lonely very often. I can't really connect to anyone.

 

What I do know is this: only YOU can get you out of the misery. No it won't be an easy journey, yes you will feel depressed, but you have to find a way for yourself. Self acceptance is key. Yet it will take enormous amounts of time to be able to accept yourself. I've been working on myself for 3 years now and honestly, I have a lot of relapses. You should really see it as being an addict to something for most of your life (co-dependency), and now you're finally going to start trying to kick the habit, yet it's going to take you long since you've been addicted so long.

 

Keep reading and also read self help, it really does help. Stop blaming your parents, as they do not know better. Start focusing on yourself.

 

 

GL

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Hi John,

 

I relate. Yes I do. I was brought up overprotected and I have to live with the consequences every day.

 

My parent's made me believe there was 1 correct way and I tried to follow it, yet failed miserably and ended up just as you are today....no motivation for school, considerable amount of debt because of having no clue how to handle money, and on top of it, I ended up in a co-dependent relationship with a narcissistic man..and then clung onto him as if he were my ticket to saviour.

 

And still today, I'm depressed, overweight and I feel lonely very often. I can't really connect to anyone.

 

What I do know is this: only YOU can get you out of the misery. No it won't be an easy journey, yes you will feel depressed, but you have to find a way for yourself. Self acceptance is key. Yet it will take enormous amounts of time to be able to accept yourself. I've been working on myself for 3 years now and honestly, I have a lot of relapses. You should really see it as being an addict to something for most of your life (co-dependency), and now you're finally going to start trying to kick the habit, yet it's going to take you long since you've been addicted so long.

 

Keep reading and also read self help, it really does help. Stop blaming your parents, as they do not know better. Start focusing on yourself.

 

 

GL

 

Hi SerCay sorry to hear you've had a rough time yourself and thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. It makes sense that you would do given the background. You can relate to the patterns of thinking.

 

As this is the parenting forum I was trying to convey a glimpse into how this type of parenting can be so toxic and the consequences it can have on the child, well into adulthood.

 

This South Asian style of parenting is in direct conflict to the western ideals and value it places on individualism and independence and it is what I have to contend with all my life. Ok, so I was never sexually abused (although my parents shamed me for at least a few years when they found out I was masturbating from 14) or physically abused to the point where I had to go to hospital (although my father and my older brother would give me beatings when they weren't happy with me). Many people as a result, UNLESS they themselves have been in this family dynamic fail to understand the scale of the consequences. It has stripped me of the key self understanding of who I am and what I want do.

I know I need to move out and move on with my life it simply isn't that easy "just to do it" due to all the factors I've outlined.

 

What kind of things have you done in the past 3 years to help you in this process??

Link to post
Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker

You're responsible for how your life has been from 18-32. That's a long time. Eventually your parents are going to die, or get to a stage where they can't easily control you anymore. If you haven't moved on & out by then, what are you going to do?

 

 

If you really want something bad enough, you will do it. Why not take a job as far away as physically possible from them?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...

It's really easy to just see someone who was overprotected all life as a person who is 'spoiled' and trying to blame parents because of some minor problem.

Please ignore all posts of this kind, as they have no idea what you've been through, how it affected you and how you feel.

 

I've been overprotected all my life too. I remember when I was 14 and was riding my bike in my street, I decided to go around the block to pick oranges on a tree nearby (it was Sunday, no cars on the streets at all...). When I returned, my mother was in front of the house, biting all her nails of with desperation and full of worryness and I had to hear at least 2 hours of rage about how I made her worry sick and she would die if I did it again.

 

This kind of reaction, as silly as it may sound, DOES impact our lives. Ever since this dumb episode I've never been the same. Everything I do I measure how it will influence my mother. Every action I take, I have to think if my mother will approve, get sad/happy if I do and etc...

 

It's though and not everybody will understand you, some will think of you as a spoiled brat who doesn't appreciate your parents efforts to raise you, but again, ignore this comments.

Link to post
Share on other sites

OP- thank you for the reminder of parenting skills or lack thereof. Objectively speaking it carries its negative after effects.

 

May I say that you are set for some re-evaluation and true letting go of some very ingrained thought patterns. My hope is that at the foundation of your being is a person who can overcome this earlier set of rules and create new ones for yourself. As my therapist said, there comes a point where we have to re-parent ourselves. May you do well in re-grouping and settling into a person of peace and assertiveness.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was brought up the exact same way but I was very successful in my life and career. I did a Ph.D. and I'm an Engineering Professor, I have a son and I moved to a different country. That's the culture. I know it's not a good way to be brought up but it's up to you to do something and get above that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
So is that it then? Am I doomed because it's too late? Is there any hope? I guess that's my main worry. Is there anyway to reverse this now at my age?

 

It's not too late.

 

Pick one thing you want to do 100% for yourself, and do it. Since you have a love for Spanish, that would be a good place to start. If you can't afford to sign up for a college course, teach yourself online.

 

Instead of putting your energy into learning why you are the way you are, put it into making changes, even if they start very small.

 

What can you do right this moment that would make you a little happier, or get you a little closer to who you want to be?

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
still_an_Angel

I hear ya. I'm from more or less the same background. My mother insisted on me boarding with the nuns in school at 16 instead of being a day student. From what I read on your post, I think this goes both ways, your parents as controlling and want only the best for you, and you being a passive child who just followed all their wishes. Not a good combination now that you're looking at it at age 32.

 

 

But there is nothing that you can do about the past, its done. You have now developed into what you are now. I think that over the years, you have accepted that nothing is happening. So focus, decide to change your life, there will be consequences, first is the wrath of your parents for daring to venture out of the fold, take it, get out of your comfort zone and start living your life away from them. Are you ready for poverty? It will be a struggle, but your parents have also armed you with education which you can use to support yourself.

 

 

Yes, they will freeze you out of their lives, that is understandable. That is another consequence, will it be worth it? You decide that once you have carved a life of your own.

 

 

I wish you all the best, I understand where you're coming from and the difference with me is I was born rebellious. I questioned and I was not afraid to challenge authority. The nuns were only too happy to see my backside when I left the dormitory, I got myself expelled by intentionally breaking a major rule so I can get out. I got myself a job at McDonalds at 17, I took the hard route, came back home when I realized I was not capable of a full adult life, but the dynamics at home have changed. My parents realized that they cannot contain me forever and allowed me some freedom.

 

 

You can do this, decide what you want to do, stay comfy at home or live your life, and do it. Don't be afraid, you'll be fine. Your parents have gifted you with all that they can provide, use these skills to your advantage.

Link to post
Share on other sites
your parents as controlling and want only the best for you.

 

 

I agree with the rest of your post except this. I don't believe they want the best for him but instead they want what's best for themselves. Control freaks are so predictable.

 

 

I have Christian parents who are similar and it took me awhile to find out the real truth. I'd describe them as cowardly, selfish individuals who cannot hack it in the real world and see both religion and their children as 'lifeboats'.

Link to post
Share on other sites

John

 

 

I firmly believe you can discover yourself. It's not too late. I was around the same age as you when I eradicated the negative influences in my life and it took me down the right path.

 

 

And if Spanish is your passion, follow it, and to hell with what other people think. It's your life, nobody else's.

Link to post
Share on other sites
eye of the storm

I am the youngest of my siblings. Our mother is (still) over controlling and hyper sensitive.

 

Only one of us still blame her for our issues. The rest of us decided to get on with our lives. We had some issues here and there, some more than a few issues. But there came a time in most of our lives where we decided that we had to control ourselves, take responsibility, take credit, and draw boundaries. And then we started having less issues, more pride, more progress.

 

The one sister that still blames our mom for everything is still stuck. She can't move on because she still hangs on to the anger/bitterness. She also can't move on because when you make someone else responsible for your issues you give them control.

 

I am not saying it is easy. It isn't. It takes work, time, some therapy maybe. It also takes personal fortitude to draw boundaries and then maintain them.

 

But you can do it. If you want to. Good luck

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you are still sitting at home pondering what to make of your life then that is YOUR choice.

 

Only you have the power to change that. Get up and do something with yourself. Once you get started I am sure the path to your future will be clearer. But you have to act now!

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am the youngest of my siblings. Our mother is (still) over controlling and hyper sensitive.

 

Only one of us still blame her for our issues. The rest of us decided to get on with our lives. We had some issues here and there, some more than a few issues. But there came a time in most of our lives where we decided that we had to control ourselves, take responsibility, take credit, and draw boundaries. And then we started having less issues, more pride, more progress.

 

The one sister that still blames our mom for everything is still stuck. She can't move on because she still hangs on to the anger/bitterness. She also can't move on because when you make someone else responsible for your issues you give them control.

 

I am not saying it is easy. It isn't. It takes work, time, some therapy maybe. It also takes personal fortitude to draw boundaries and then maintain them.

 

But you can do it. If you want to. Good luck

 

 

Excellent post.

 

 

I can relate to that sister of yours. My ex was exactly the same although the anger and bitterness only really came out when she had a drink. She's still to this day going around in circles though.

Link to post
Share on other sites
still_an_Angel

Quote:

Originally Posted by still_an_Angel viewpost.gif

your parents as controlling and want only the best for you.

 

 

 

 

I agree with the rest of your post except this. I don't believe they want the best for him but instead they want what's best for themselves. Control freaks are so predictable.

 

 

I have Christian parents who are similar and it took me awhile to find out the real truth. I'd describe them as cowardly, selfish individuals who cannot hack it in the real world and see both religion and their children as 'lifeboats'.

 

 

 

 

We are looking at this situation from OP's point of view. I wouldn't intentionally 'demonize' the parents because in THEIR eyes, they are doing the right thing. We can't profess to "know" what their intentions are, they were also probably raised in the same way and don't even realize how their parenting style has affected their son.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote:

Originally Posted by still_an_Angel viewpost.gif

your parents as controlling and want only the best for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are looking at this situation from OP's point of view. I wouldn't intentionally 'demonize' the parents because in THEIR eyes, they are doing the right thing. We can't profess to "know" what their intentions are, they were also probably raised in the same way and don't even realize how their parenting style has affected their son.

 

 

I can understand what you're trying to say but if you read the 8th paragraph in the OP's original post, it kind of gives the game away.

 

 

Actually his parents behaviour is far worse than anything I witnessed from my own.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I can understand what you're trying to say but if you read the 8th paragraph in the OP's original post, it kind of gives the game away.

Actually his parents behaviour is far worse than anything I witnessed from my own.

 

I agree this wasn't just being overprotective and controlling this was also actual physical child abuse too - look at #5 - which the OP minimises by saying he was never hospitalised!!!

 

OP, read - https://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/CPTSD.html

Link to post
Share on other sites
I agree this wasn't just being overprotective and controlling this was also actual physical child abuse too - look at #5 - which the OP minimises by saying he was never hospitalised!!!

 

OP, read - https://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/CPTSD.html

 

I missed this.

 

 

The father's behaviour mirrors that of one of those loons who are leaders of a cult.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...