So is it REALLY worth it??

[bulldoggirl]

As someone who doesn't have children, and is unsure whether I want to ever have them, I've got to ask the question...is having kids really all it's cracked up to be? I mean, is all the worry, sacrifice, etc. really worth it? Please don't bash me, it's just that you can never get a straight answer from parents if asked in the "real" world. They tend to sugar coat things if you know what I mean.

[Nosmas]

Try raising a goldfish first.

 

Then a hamster.

 

Then a dog.

 

Finally, try raising a couple of chimpanzees.

 

Afterward, ask yourself are children "really worth it."

 

There are no guarantees in life, bulldoggirl, except death and taxes.

[bulldoggirl]

I'm assuming that reply was sarcastic in nature, so maybe I should re-phrase my question. For those of you with kids, if you knew then (meaning before having them) what you know now, would you have still done it?

[Nosmas]

No, I'll clear it up for you BDG, I'm not being sarcastic: Have you ever raised anything? Was "it worth it?" If so then you've answered your question. If not, then get a goldfish. It really isn't that complicated.

[bulldoggirl]

Of course I've raised things......we have a dog & 2 cats, and I've always had animals. However children are A LOT DIFFERENT than animals. And if it "really isn't that complicated", how come so many people are on here b*tching about their kids, going on daytime talk shows because their kids are stressing them out, tearing their marriage apart, sending them to the poor house, their kids are on drugs, the list goes on and on. And Nosmas, if you do have kids they must be perfect angels for you to say that it really isn't that complicated.

[Nosmas]

You've "had" dogs and cats. You fed them, cleaned up after them, brought them to the vet, burried them when they died.

 

So it was "worth it," I suppose?

 

Same with kids BDG, except on a little larger scale. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

 

BTW: Daytime talk shows need people to watch them: Nothing like a trainwreck to draw an audiance. Doesn't mean we have trains derailing on an hourly basis.

[Elmo]

BD Girl....

 

Wish more parents would give you a straight answer here.

 

I don't have kids and don't want any. I like kids, just am happy with my life the way it is.

 

Alot of my friends got the urge to have kids in their 20's. While the kids were in utero or tiny babies, these women seemed very, very happy. As the kids grew and developed their own personalities, wants and desires, the happiness of these women seemed to go downhill.

 

There are a few couples I know that seem genuinely happy with thier situation. But mostly, the people I have known, either end up avoiding each other or divorced. Mostly they stay married until the kids hit high school then split.

 

As far as the question of will you regret not having kids....well, the older I get, the better I feel about NOT having any. Can't speak for anyone else. And, the "who will take care of you when you are old" question? I always think, if I live long enough, some nice minimum wage worker in a rest-home will be wiping my butt, along with the parents out there. I mean, really...I've vistited nursing homes...they are filled with parents. Grown kids just don't "take care of" their parents...they ship them off to a home. Not trying to be mean, it is just a fact of life.

 

Be sure YOU want kids before you have them. Wait as long as you want. You can always adopt.

[Nosmas]

Wish more parents would give you a straight answer here.

 

Do you know why?: Because there is no "straight answer!"

 

Who knows whether or not ANYTHING will be "worth it," much less having (healthy?) children. Anyone who responds less than generically to such a question whould need to be omniscient.

[Matilda]

Having children has been the most wonderful, and most difficult experience in my life. My children have made me be a better person. They are an unbelievable source of joy. They can also be an unbelievable source of pain. But, for me the joy far outweighs the pain.

 

The day that my daughter was born was the most incredible experience of my life. I'm not sure I have the words to describe it. But all of the sudden, my life made sense, I knew what was important, and not important. Absolutley life changing, and I think most parents will tell you the same thing. Just for that experience alone, having children has been "worth it".

[bulldoggirl]

Elmo, THANK YOU for your honest answer. And I too wish other people would give me straight answers. I'm starting to feel more & more like you do about the whole issue. Lately I've had about 3-4 people that I work with tell me, almost under their breath, "don't do it, they ruin your life" and yes, these people are parents. It just makes me sick how so many people will gripe and complain about their kids and finish the sentence with, "oh but it's sooo worth it" I want to say "Really?? How if things are so awful for you??" Right now I'm reading the book "I'm okay you're a brat" and it is wonderful...it talks about how people just can't admit it when they wish they hadn't had children because society will look down on them. Anyway, thanks again for your response!

[Nosmas]

I'm reading the book "I'm okay you're a brat" and it is wonderful...it talks about how people just can't admit it when they wish they hadn't had children

 

BDG: It doesn't sound as if you are "unsure whether [you] want to ever have [children]." You want someone with children to "pile on to" the opinion you've already formed in order to justify it. So far, it has not happened (Elmo has no children), but I suppose you'll be thankful to receive any response.

 

Additionally, although you claim to have had pets, you cannot answer the question about this relatively simpler question: Was it "worth" raising them? I assume from your silence the answer is "NO." Clearly, then, you've answered the question about child rearing for yourself.

 

It is perfectly OK for you to make the decision, for yourself, not to procreate, but do not expect parents to push and shove to be at the front of the line to declare they made some foolish errors when they decided to have children of their own. Sure, there are many disappointments in life. Parents are disappointed with children.

 

And some children are disappointed with their parents.

[bulldoggirl]

Nosmas,

Of course it's been worth it having my pets...do I want anymore puppies or kitties right now? NO. And it may sound silly, but having these pets has taught me that I don't think I'm ready for children not right now, and maybe not ever. I'm starting to realize that more people should actually THINK about whether or not to have children, instead of just having them because it's "the thing to do" and because I'm actually taking time to think about it, I'm getting flak from people, most namely my own husband.

All I'm looking for is for people to be honest for once. You'd be shocked to read some of the quotes in the book I mentioned above...many people {mostly mothers} made comments that no one told them how hard it was being a parent and if they had known sooner about some of the sacrifices, etc being a parent entails, they wouldn't have done it.

[Nosmas]

Good for you BDG!!!

 

But, its not a question anyone can "honestly" answer. We cannot predict the future. Whatever children are, this is what they represent. Sometimes it can be a nightmare (I for example, would consider it less than a blessing if any of my children were autistic, or had Downs Syndrome, or Muscular Dystrophy, or a host of other terrible problems that braver parents than myself live with every day). But these parents certainly did not choose to have their children this way (although some parent/angels have adopted kids with handicaps).

 

Now, your REAL PROBLEM is that husband wants to have kids, and you do not. This is about what you need to beging another thread. I'm sure there are MANY who can empathise with this difficult to resolve issue, and will be happy to offer "honest" advise.

[krbshappy71]

BDG, if you have ANY doubts, don't do it. Think long and hard as you say you are. Don't let anyone bully you into a situation as huge as parenting. It is not our duty as women to have babies.

 

I thank God for my babies, I had no idea how horribly selfish I was until I had them. I am glad they forced me to think of someone other than myself...and I'm not sure a dog or cat could make that happen, you know? I was the one who always said "no kids no kids" but in the end I do realize they are the best thing that could have ever happened in my life. Yes, its hard, yes, it can suck, but yes, you will hear it a million times, it is worth it.

 

If its not for you, its not for you. There is nothing wrong with that. Everything for a reason, I believe my children are here to teach me some very important lessons about life and love. I am conisdering more children because I look at my life and see that my present children have given me so many memories and wonderful experiences that I want more of that. I can't explain it except to say "What a ride and I wanna go again!"

 

Hope this helps, just because one person enjoys the "ride" doesn't mean you will, doesn't mean you are missing out. I'm sure people love jumping out of planes too, but no thanks. Not an experience I wish to have.

[Ladyjane14]

I don't regret my kids for a minute. That doesn't mean they don't frustrate me to pieces at times. That's probably what you're hearing from the parents who are complaining within earshot of you. The frustration can truly be brutal!

 

Everything Matilda said is true. It's an experience that changes your whole outlook on life. And I think in a positive way for the most part.

 

When my husband and I were married, I was infertile. I didn't think that I would ever be a mother, and frankly I was somewhat ambivalent about it to begin with. I pursued treatment anyway because it seemed unfair to make the decision that my husband would never have the life experience of being a father. He had always wanted children, how could I take that away from him and still stay with him?

 

To my great surprise, not only did I become a mother, but I became a breast-feeding 'Earth-mother' who is to this day completely dedicated to making these little people into responsible, thinking, contributing adults.

 

I'd never tell someone who was uncertain to go on and have children. But if I'm understanding the situation between you and your husband, you are not on the same page here. That will end up being an important issue in the overall health of your marriage someday.

 

There's not a whole lot of wiggle room in compromising when it comes to creating an entire new person. It's a SCARY amount of responsibility. And even if you decided to switch domestic roles in the household, you'd still have to shoulder your part of that responsibility.

 

You've got a serious issue to work out between you. But there's still plenty of time at 26, so don't be rushed into it.

[Karlise13]

So Bulldog girl, while I'm not discounting the above posters' opinions about children making one 'less selfish' and 'more fulfilled' etc., there are some people who feel otherwise.

 

Unfortunately, in our society it's extremely taboo for women to say they regret parenthood.

 

Not everyone rises to the occasion when faced with parenting pressure. Some people DO become 'better people' and other people do not.

 

One of my close friends admitted to me (and only after knowing me for many years) that she detested motherhood. She loves her children, but hated the role of mother (as Susan Jeffers describes in 'I'm OK, You're a Brat'...it IS possible to love ones children while at the same time not liking the parental role).

 

Not all people who are childless/childfree are 'horribly selfish'. Some are, of course. Some devote their lives to careers, caretaking others' children or aging parents, art or education.

 

There is a large childfree community on the 'net and you can explore it simply by typing 'childfree' into Google.

 

Warning; some of the sites contain a great deal of venting and vitriol. These are not representative of the childfree adult community as a whole. There are just some people who don't know how to express themselves except in an angry manner.

Some people ARE angry that adults who choose to be childfree are often portrayed unfairly as 'selfish, immature, lazy, money-obsessed, ' etc.

 

I cannot think of a MORE selfish thing in the world than to bring a child to life and then expect the child to MAKE you happy.

Children are not here to fill emotional gaps, live out the dreams we never got to live, succeed where we failed, patch together a failing relationship, make us more socially acceptable or legitamize our existances

 

A child is not here to provide you with entertainment and unconditional love. A child is a needy creature with huge demands who will need your attention, care and understanding for many years.

 

Only those who truly want to parent should undertake the venture.

 

Are there joys in parenting? Certainly. I have a number of friends who are parents.....HAPPILY parenting their children. They love the baby steps, the learning to talk stage, the buying of baby clothes, all that. The difficulties are outweighed by the pleasure they take in these things.

 

I know you have posted on this subject before, Bulldog.

Obviously, I am from the childfree side of the fence so I just want to point out that parenting is NOT for everyone.

 

I invite you to a nice discussion board called Tanglewood (type in 'Tanglewood childfree' in a search engine).

 

There, parents and childfree people can discuss their questions and ideas in a civilized manner. There are some excellent people there. I think you may get some honest answers there.

 

Good luck with your quest for self discovery. It's a big decision and I APPLAUD you for putting thought into it and not just blindly following 'because that's what everyone else does'.

[bulldoggirl]

Thank you so much Karlise for the reply. I know many people as well who absolutely LOVE being parents and I think that's wonderful! Sometimes I'm just afraid that if I go through with it, I'll be one of those who loves my kids, but hates being a parent, and that's why I started this thread. I just really wanted some honest opinions from people...like if you love being a parent, say so! If not, well say so as well!! Again thanks for the great reply & I'm going to check out that site you mentioned....

[izzybelle]

bulldog, i also love being a parent and cannot imagine my life without my kids. but as said, it is something that drastically changes your outlook on life from the minute you see that tiny little face looking back up at you. i was the first in my group of friends to become a mom and as much as i wanted kids, it scared the crap out of me. i had always been a bit of a free spirit and didn't know how it was going to change me. it did, and the funny thing is i didn't feel like i'd given anything up, i didn't feel like i'd lost "me" in the process. the feelings for these little people were nothing that anyone could have ever prepared me for. sure, there are times when i "joke" about how much i could get for them on ebay but even now (they're 11 & 13) the smile on their face, sharing in their successes and helping them pick up the pieces is one of the greatest joys in my life.

 

that being said, it is not something to be taken lightly or something to think that, OK i'll see the kid and i'll instantly become a good mom. it takes work. but then, being a parent of an animal takes work too. and that is a good way to test some of the "responsibility". i have cats, hamster, rats, mice and birds and some days, now anyway, they require more care than my kids! i recently heard of a mom where i live who had gotten divorced and insisted when she was out with her kids that they refer to her by her first name and not call her mom. now, i don't know exactly what her reasons were, but i can't even imagine how that made her kids feel. i know of others who are childless and totally and completely happy with the way their lives are. they have no regrets since they can come and go as they please, can focus on their careers and not worry about who's picking up little johnny after soccer practice. they have very full, very complete lives.

 

i knew in many ways that i always wanted kids. but i was still terrified at the prospect. i like kids but was never one of those people who was instantly drawn to them. i'd see friends who wanted children who, when they were with someone elses kids, just seemed right at home. i wasn't that way and that scared me. i really was afraid that as much as i wanted kids that i would be a "distant" mom. needless to say, i'm not, and one of the nicest things my daughter ever said to me was that her friends like me. they think i'm the coolest mom!

 

good luck!

[PatientOne]

Is true. My wife and I raised 3 daughters. We now have a grandchild living in the house as well. Here we go again...