Jump to content

White middle class mother concerned over daughter dating black boys


Recommended Posts

We have a middle class white family. I have raised my two kids by myself, for most of thier lives. My son is 14 and my daughter is 11. I recently married a man with three grown daughters. They all have been into dating "black" guys. Two daughters have children by black men.

 

Going into the relationship i felt pretty open minded about the issue and tried to be supportive. My concern now is with my own daughter. I do not believe in interacial relationships and do not want my daughter thinking it is okay to do.

 

She is beginning to show signs, the cloths she wants to wear, the music she listened to, all her girlfriends are black (i don't have a problem with that alone) and she defends her older sisters and the choice they are making in thier lives. I am afraid the sisters will encourage her and teach her its okay to date black men.

 

I feel like I entered into a relationship which will by nature of its design, cause my daughter to have the wrong examples in life. I love husband and my step daughters and grandchildren and do not want to hurt thier feeling. I also don't want my daughter making the same mistakes they have made.

 

I am know presented with a situation where one of the girls and her child need a place to live. My husband says he has to let her live with him, its his daughter. I don't want her to live with us for several reason, but mostly the exposure my daughter will have with her concerns me.

 

I just don't know what to do. Any advise would be great.

Link to post
Share on other sites
DerangedAngel
I am afraid the sisters will encourage her and teach her its okay to date black men.

 

Can you tell me why (in your opinion) it is not okay? It would be helpful to know while coming up with a response.

 

I also don't want my daughter making the same mistakes they have made.

 

If you mean having children at a young age, and then rasing them alone, I can understand. But, again, why is it a mistake to date a black man?

 

Also, she's eleven. Are you going to let her date a white guy at eleven?

 

-Deranged

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh boy......I hope I don't offend you, I'll try not to be so blunt.....

 

You don't believe in interracial relationships......I don't believe that there is a difference in races.....I say tomato, you say tomato.....we are all equal, no whites, no blacks, no asians, so on and so forth.

 

Why are you so against it? How old is your daughter? What do you feel are the dangers in it? Do you think that with a black husband he won't provide for her as well? How would you feel if your husband ethnics prohibited or was against or didn't believe in a relationship with your race?

 

I'm German/Italian, my wife is English/Irish......should we be together? Just because our skin is the same color doesn't mean we are the same race.

 

Don't get me wrong....you're entitled to believe what you wish. But so does your daughter. She's an individual. She's not obligated to have the same beliefs as you do. You may think she does, but you'll be fighting a losing battle and believe it or not, the more you try to push her away from it, the more she's going to run towards it.

 

It's not wrong to date black men, I wouldn't care at all if my daughters were in love with a black man. My daughter's happiness is more important and takes premise over my personal feelings.

 

These are just my opinions. If you don't want your daughter to date black men, then you should be able to present her with VALID reasons why you think it's so wrong. I myself can't come up with anything....so I guess I'm no help at all except to tell you that unless you do have valid points and prove why it's so damaging to her then you're at a loss. And also, be careful how you present them or she'll do it to spite you.

 

Good Luck

Link to post
Share on other sites
YellowLioness

Well, you can influence who she likes, but ultimately, she will form her own opinions about people of other races, and the world in general.

 

You cannot force her to date a white boy, and you really can't keep her from dating black boys, if that's who she chooses to date, when she's older.

 

Also, like DA, I am wondering why you think it is wrong to date people of other races.

 

My uncle Beau is black, and he and my aunt are happy, and have two kids. Our family, though traditional, has more then accepted Beau, who has carried my aunt through bad times, in good, etc. He is an excellent husband and provider.

 

I don't think that she could have done better with any other man of any other color. I think that my aunt Pam and uncle Beau are soul mates.

Just because our skin is the same color doesn't mean we are the same race.

 

Although I desperately want to go on a tangent about this, I can't even say how true this is. Back in the 1950's or so they made this movie about a black woman who was so light skinned she passed for a white woman.

 

Is it the RACE you dislike so much, or is it the color of the skin?

 

For example, would you let your daughter date someone who is Middle Eastern? They are not white. Would you let your daughter date an asian man? They also are people of color.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HokeyReligions

Whatever your reasons - they are yours. I would suggest that you sit down with your daughter and explain your feelings and why you believe interracial dating and marriage is wrong. Whatever culture you are, your background, church, community, etc. that led you to your beliefs should be discussed with her. The world is changing and the belief system that you grew up with is not the same one that she is experiencing every day in her school and with her friends. What used to be thought of as a 'black only' culture (rap music, dress style, slang language, etc.) is rapidly being adopted by white kids all across the country -- and the world. That has been going on for a while. Whether your differences are racial or cultural or both, you need to discuss them separately with her.

 

Listen to your daughter and her reasons for believing there is nothing wrong with it and respond to her concerns--don't just tell her, listen to her and discuss it with her. You do the same thing with the discussions about not smoking, not doing drugs, not having sex until she's ready, and taking precautions when she is ready, and what sex should be between two people. So do the same thing with your concerns about interracial dating.

 

Be prepared though, that kids often do the opposit of what their parents tell them. I guarantee you that she has been exposed to mixed-couples before you ever got married and before she ever met her step-sisters.

Link to post
Share on other sites
DerangedAngel
I guarantee you that she has been exposed to mixed-couples before you ever got married and before she ever met her step-sisters.

 

I agree.

 

svw, when you say "interracial" do you really mean "intercolorial"? You know what I'm getting at.

 

-DA

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I do not believe in interracial relationships. Its a very fine line to draw whether it is a "black" thing or just simply the "thug" like attidude and way of living. I fully understand the same "type" of boy can be find in both races. I was raised in a middle class, very diverse town where my friends where of all races, not just black. I do not want to promote or encourage being prejudice, which i feel i am being, however when it's "your daughter" your feeling become different. When I say, "its not okay" i am refering to all aspects of their life, including dating a black man. With race aside they are worthless not only as a boyfriend, but fathers as well.

 

And no, i do not expect my daughter to date at 11, black or white. If it was up to me she'd be 18 before its allowed. I know the reality of raising a daughter is she will want to date and at the approriate age. I want her foundation to be layed long before she reaches that age. As a parent I feel responsable for laying that foundation.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you need to teach your daughter to look for a good man, who will form a partnership with her, and work to make a family, and take care of children. (If this is what she wants to do, maybe she would prefer to have her life be more career oriented.)

 

I think you could be any color and be a good man, and alternatively you can be any color and be a bad man. Maybe you should clarify what characterisitics are good to look for in a boyfriend.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Let me ask you this, if you knew that your daughter was contemplating dating 2 different guys, one was black and the other was white. Somehow you found out that the white one had a history of being abusive of his partners, smoked marijuana and had ever intention of bedding your daughter on the 1st date. Fellow no. 2, is black, from a good family that you know, has been your daughters friend for some time and has always been respectful of you. Which would you choose, say if they were the only ones you could ultimately choose from.

 

The 1st thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it tell a child that they absolutely can not do something and they will turn around and do it. So saying it out right will not work.

 

What may work is to have an honest talk with her about your own preferences and why you have them. Are there vailid reasons beyond skin color behind your disapproval of her other sisters choices in men.

 

Most important regardless of color dont lose sight of the most important thing here. Teaching a young lady to love and respect herself 1st, giving her instruction that she has the power to choose and to choose wisely someone of good character, who will treat her with respect.

 

Lastly one thing most young folks totally lose sight of, is the fact that they are young, to value friendships long lasting ones, before overrated overhyped romances. To take their time before moving into romantic relationships in the 1st place. To enjoy their youth.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think by telling her it's not o.k. she will do it most teens do in the mean time you are giving her the impresion that your grand children her now neice/nephew are "Not approiate" for your standards.

Link to post
Share on other sites
YellowLioness

[color=red]

When I say, "its not okay" i am refering to all aspects of their life, including dating a black man. With race aside they are worthless not only as a boyfriend, but fathers as well.

[/color] I can't believe anyone in this country, as liberated as we say we are, would post something so deliberately inflamatory. It's amazing to me that people still think this way. Back in the 1960s I would not have been suprised, because you sound just like my grandmother.

 

However, the year is 2004, in case you weren't aware, and all races are to be considered equal. Every race has its problems and predjudices.

 

I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I will not help you further yours by telling you how to approach your daughter.

 

I personally do not wish you luck in your endevors to promost this gross attitude of racism.

Link to post
Share on other sites
When I say, "its not okay" i am refering to all aspects of their life, including dating a black man. With race aside they are worthless not only as a boyfriend, but fathers as well.

 

They are huh????? I'm sorry....!! How would you feel if you had all of a sudden fell ill, and you needed emergency surgery for example....the only qualified surgeon is a black man or woman. Would you rather die than to have this black person perform surgery on you?

 

You are not being fair to black men as a whole at all. "With race aside they are worthless...."??????? What????? Oh MY!!!! That sentence contradicts itself....if it's not the race, then WHAT IS IT????

 

Granted, there are some who are, "Thugs"....but excuse me if I'm wrong.....but, there are just as many if not more white gangs and law breakers out there.

 

If I were a black man, I would take great offense to what you said, I'm a white man and I take HUGE OFFENSE to it.

 

You are entitled to your thoughts.....but these aren't valid.....not all black men are thugs....they are pioneers, surgeons, lawyers, fathers, brothers, uncles....they are no different than you or I, they are a productive member of society.....I feel sorry for the way your heart has been hardened towards them......man, I can only pray for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

hmmmm...I know a couple of white men that are useless as fathers....my 2 exhusbands...who provide absolutely no support for their childen. duhh....I'm confused.....NOT!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
When I say, "its not okay" i am refering to all aspects of their life, including dating a black man. With race aside they are worthless not only as a boyfriend, but fathers as well.

 

No person is worthless, especially when only based on their race and nothing more.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HokeyReligions

Perhaps I misunderstood the point of your original post - your concern is having your step-daughter living with you because you feel that she will be a bad influence on your 11 y/o daughter.

 

That's a tough one. You can't really tell your husband that his daughter can't come home if she needs to. What you can do, is to sit down with your husband and discuss your concerns with him and together decide on some boundaries for both of your daughters. Then each of you sit down with your daughter and set thouse boundaries in place and disucss any concerns that they have over this. At that point you can discuss the cultural or racial differences, and concerns you have over the types of boys that your daughter may date someday.

 

That's the best thing I can think of to do without risking the destruction of your marriage. If you are adament about it though, you may just have to consider leaving the marriage. Your daughter comes first.

Link to post
Share on other sites
YellowLioness

Yeah, if its about your marriage, then do what you think is best for your daughter. However, just because you get out out of the situation doesn't mean that she won't dress in the hip-hop fashions, listen to the music, or date people of color.

 

The only way to do that is to raise her like Skinner did his little girl, in a black box.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm curious about something.....why did you feel it neccessary to express that you're middle class? Are you suggesting that anyone below middle class wouldn't have the same standards? Because I just want to let you know that according to our tax bracket, I'm considered upper class and my standards seem to be lower than yours. Or at least not as shallow.

 

I understand your concerns mainly because you may have been, "burned", by some bad examples and you are trying to do that which is best for your daughter. But you also need to give your flesh and blood some credit. Don't you think that with what you have already taught her through the years that she would be able to decide what is best for her and what is not?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Whether you like it or not, your daughter is going to grow to form her own opinions. Rather than focus on discouraging her from dating outside of her race (which, btw, will only likely encourage her to do it, and I speak from experience there), why not start encouraging her to look for positive attributes in both friends and dating partners that have nothing to do with their race. Emphasize the importance of finding friends and partners in the future who are driven, and caring, and generous and who will be good confidants and good influences. If you concentrate on discouraging her from any race, believe me, you will regret it. Aside from the fact that I think that's the wrong thing to do anyway, it would likely only end up being used as a handy tool in cases of rebellion.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

You all have missed my point and that's probably my fault. I have chosen the wrong words to discribe what I'm feeling and the direction of help i was looking for. Twisting my words to form such a negative opinion of me, has not helped me at all. Mitilda had the best adivce. You have helped me see what my problem is and I will be changing my approach with my daughter. Thank you. The rest of you, thanks anyway.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you also hokeyreligions, yellowlioness and girlie. You are more in line with my concern. I will take your advice to heart and probably do some of what you suggest. Thank you. I am finding raising a daughter should have come with direction.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Good luck to you. Raising a daughter is difficult...just ask my parents. :) But I think if you focus on teaching them values, and things like the importance of education and independence and of being or growing into a strong woman, you will find that their choice in partners and friends will be more likely to be good individuals and good influences, of any race, and I believe that's what's important. That's been my experience anyway.

Link to post
Share on other sites
YellowLioness
Twisting my words to form such a negative opinion of me, has not helped me at all.

 

I'm sorry to have offended you, but you offended me. Plus, I didn't twist your words. I quoted you. Big difference.

 

If you don't want people to think you are a racist, you should refrain from making broad, negative generalizations on entire races on a public internet forum.

 

And as for forming an opinion of you, I didn't. I can't. I don't know you. I did however form an opinion on your views, based only on what you've actually said.

 

You are more then welcome for the last set of advice. I hope it helps. I know that I sound snippy, but seeing as how I have a bi-racial family, I'm sure you can understand.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Girlie you hid the nail on the head. I know discouraging her from a specfic race is wrong, despite what others on this forum have formed as an opinion of me. Which is why i am having such a difficult time with how i'm feeling. You have given me some insite on how to appoach the issue. Thank you

Link to post
Share on other sites

I haven't formed an opinion on you so to speak. I do have some poor opinions on how you wrote out your feelings though. I'm sure that you're a good mother, (It's obvious with the concern you have for your daughter).

 

The way you spoke is what I found offensive and shallow. Not that you are......I mean, I'm sure if you could turn back the clock you would've wrote it differently....(How many times I've wished I could do the same).

 

Please don't think that we have formed a negative opinion of you. We all have to suffer through the blows we give each other, and believe me, some of them really hurt!!!! But the ultimate goal on this forum, IMHO, is to help each other out and point out different points of view, explore our options, get feedback from unbias minds.....

 

Good luck to you, and best wishes....really!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...