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Going to be a single mom


scorpio1978

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Hello all,

 

So I have posted recently that I have discovered I am pregnant and the father doesn't want to be involved. I had decided that since I am 34, have a stable job and have a good support system, I feel that I am in the best place I am going to be in my life to raise this child well on my own.

 

However, I have been wavering in my confidence for a number of reasons. My single friends have been dropping off since I shared my news. One went so far as to say our friendship will never be the same and she is in a pity party about how it's not fair that her friends are all moving on in their lives and she is not. I cannot entertain her silliness right now and am actually glad her drama-filled life will not affect mine any more. But, then there are others that I feel have been good friends who are just not supportive and haven't been engaging me.

 

It's starting to concern me about my finances because I truly just don't know how much a baby costs. I have a ton of student loans that just get more and more difficult to pay each month and I want to be able to make sure I can provide for my little one above and beyond. I wasn't raised with any money and I turned out ok, but I want to make sure my child doesn't suffer. I am still on the fence about filing for child support for a number of reasons though am leaning more towards it.

 

I suppose I am wondering how do single parents do it? How do they financially handle it and how do they raise a baby without emotional support of a partner? What is it like to sit home every night with your child and little social life? Not trying to sound selfish, but "me time" is essential for everyone here and there.

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You do what you have to do in order to care for your child. You make sacrifices. You don't buy the latest electronics and expensive purses and brand new cars. It's worth the sacrifice. :)

 

BTW, unless you agree (and he agrees) to sign off legal rights, he is still legally obligated to pay child support, whether he wants him/her or not.

 

I have several kids and I have a social life, but my kid's dad is involved in their lives. If not, there are babysitters or family. Being a mom doesn't mean that you aren't allowed free time or friends. However, there's honestly no place I'd rather be (most nights! Not so much tonight w/ my teen giving me attitude!) than w/ my kids.

 

Good luck!

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You've stated that you have a great job. Yet again you mention education debt that becomes harder to pay as each month passes. Is your education debt six figures? As your progress in your career one would expect a higher salary.

 

The greatest expense is childcare for the first 6 years. Sacrifice or suffering economic loss of opportunity is very subjective. Suffering public school is the reality for the majority of kids.

 

You seem to be wavering on child support. That's the right of the child.

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If you love your child the sacrifice is worth it.

 

 

Ok, here is another question...I don't feel connected to this baby yet and am concerned that I won't ever feel that way. I am sure I am overreacting, but it's just too surreal right now. The situation with the father has me feeling very discarded. I am putting that aside and focusing on me and the baby, but I just don't have that motherly connection going on yet. Is that normal?

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You've stated that you have a great job. Yet again you mention education debt that becomes harder to pay as each month passes. Is your education debt six figures? As your progress in your career one would expect a higher salary.

 

The greatest expense is childcare for the first 6 years. Sacrifice or suffering economic loss of opportunity is very subjective. Suffering public school is the reality for the majority of kids.

 

You seem to be wavering on child support. That's the right of the child.

 

 

My student loans are way into 6 figures and I am currently in a position where the pay increases only as you get promoted, which I will not be for another several years. Things are manageable right now, but I have another loan that will be due that is about $600 a month starting right around the time the baby is born and I cannot defer it any longer. I am working 2 jobs now to pay off my credit cards and have some extra money for baby stuff, but it's just so scary.

 

I think what is really keeping me going back and forth with the child support is that I feel that if I am raising this baby on my own and the father doesn't want anything to do with us, I am worried that him having a financial link will make him think it's ok to breeze in and out of our lives if he changes his mind in the future. Does that make sense? I would be happy if he would want to support our child and be there for him/her, but I just feel that he should do that from day one.

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What you're describing is individual and circumstance driven. Normal covers a wide range over 40 weeks of pregnancy and the first few months of infancy.

Surely you may have had feelings of this fetus being an unwelcome intruder. Backed up to moments of joy and feeling protective. Nature gives you 40 weeks plus adjustment time.

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What you're describing is individual and circumstance driven. Normal covers a wide range over 40 weeks of pregnancy and the first few months of infancy.

Surely you may have had feelings of this fetus being an unwelcome intruder. Backed up to moments of joy and feeling protective. Nature gives you 40 weeks plus adjustment time.

 

 

You are a sweet soul and have been very helpful. I appreciate it greatly. Thank you.

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Ok, here is another question...I don't feel connected to this baby yet and am concerned that I won't ever feel that way. I am sure I am overreacting, but it's just too surreal right now. The situation with the father has me feeling very discarded. I am putting that aside and focusing on me and the baby, but I just don't have that motherly connection going on yet. Is that normal?

It can be very normal. Many moms don't really bond with baby until birth.

 

A friend of mine at work came to me bawling her eyes out. She was pregnant. (She's married, but they didn't want kids.) She was devastated. Didn't know if she wanted it, didn't know how she'd do it. She did this for 9 months. That baby was born and she was instantly head over heels for her. Like mama bear "DON'T TOUCH MY BABY! THAT'S MY BABY!!!", every post on fb is her baby. LOL It's awesome. She's so in love with that baby girl now. (And she's precious so I totally understand! I'm pretty fond of her, too! LOL)

 

Anyway, not everyone bonds right after birth either and it's possible you may even bond before then, once you see baby on ultrasound, once you start feeling him/her, etc.

 

If dad is not going to be in the picture, the best thing to do is try to focus on you and the baby.

 

I love babies, pregnancy, newborns, the whole shebang. LOL I wish I wasn't done with that part of my life. So envious of those with pregnancies and new babies. LOL For now, I'll just dote on my friend's babies. :)

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What you're describing is individual and circumstance driven. Normal covers a wide range over 40 weeks of pregnancy and the first few months of infancy.

Surely you may have had feelings of this fetus being an unwelcome intruder. Backed up to moments of joy and feeling protective. Nature gives you 40 weeks plus adjustment time.

I need to "like" this post 100 times! LOL

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It can be very normal. Many moms don't really bond with baby until birth.

 

A friend of mine at work came to me bawling her eyes out. She was pregnant. (She's married, but they didn't want kids.) She was devastated. Didn't know if she wanted it, didn't know how she'd do it. She did this for 9 months. That baby was born and she was instantly head over heels for her. Like mama bear "DON'T TOUCH MY BABY! THAT'S MY BABY!!!", every post on fb is her baby. LOL It's awesome. She's so in love with that baby girl now. (And she's precious so I totally understand! I'm pretty fond of her, too! LOL)

 

Anyway, not everyone bonds right after birth either and it's possible you may even bond before then, once you see baby on ultrasound, once you start feeling him/her, etc.

 

If dad is not going to be in the picture, the best thing to do is try to focus on you and the baby.

 

I love babies, pregnancy, newborns, the whole shebang. LOL I wish I wasn't done with that part of my life. So envious of those with pregnancies and new babies. LOL For now, I'll just dote on my friend's babies. :)

 

Thank you! You sound like a great friend. They are lucky to have you

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Thank you! You sound like a great friend. They are lucky to have you

I'm lucky to have them in my life, too. I've spoiled that baby rotten and she's only 3 months old. LOL She's the prettiest baby I've ever seen! (Don't tell my kids I said that! hahaha)

 

As far as costs, I don't know how you feel about previously used items, but remember that babies don't need the best of the best NEW items. There are plenty of gently used items out there that babies barely use at all and your baby won't care. ALSO if you're able to breastfeed, that's free food for baby! :) Way cheaper than formula. You can pump even if you're working, no problem. (Highly recommend a medela electric pump if you choose to. They are fabulous.) And if you have family around, don't forget baby showers can provide a lot! :) Put some gift registries up and stick on car seats, play pen, whatever you need. You never know. :)

 

I'm excited for you and wish you well. :)

Edited by bentleychic
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Your decision is made. Try to cease thinking every potential difficulty as impossible to adapt. You're mid 30s - you've got life experience - adoption is the 41st week escape hatch. You've got an option. Breathe.

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I have to tell you, your story struck a chord with me. I was in pretty much the exact same circumstances when I was pregnant with my son.

 

Have you checked to see if you can get your loans consolidated? I did that and it reduced my payment down to $100 a month. Of course I'll never pay it off at that rate, but later on when you are more secure, you will be able to pay more into it.

 

As for not feeling a connection to your baby, I didn't feel that either. I was under so much stress when I was pregnant it was hard to feel much of anything really. But... I will tell you that the moment I saw his little blue eyes staring up at me, I fell in love, and nothing, I mean NOTHING else mattered. People will tell you that and you won't know what they mean until it happens to you. It was most definitely love at first sight. I suspect you will feel the same once you see your little one.

 

There are plenty of websites that you can register with to get help with formula or other baby needs. I don't recall what they are right now but if you want, I will look and see what I can find. Or you could just do a google search. I know there was one site that sent me a check once a month for a free can of formula, another one sent me a coupon for $10 off a can. They really helped.

 

You will certainly want to file for child support, although I was told that I had to wait for 6 months before I could do so in the state I was in at the time. Just keep that in mind.

 

I also had a mentor that was assigned to me through my insurance company. She called me once a month during the pregnancy to check on me. It helped a LOT. She gave me tons of great advice.

 

Read the pregnancy books, buy diapers(when you can) to stock up, don't worry about a crib just yet, you won't need one for awhile.

 

Other than that... relax as much as you can. Sleep! Eat well, take your vitamins!

 

You can do this! I promise! It does get better!

 

As for sitting home alone? You know what? You won't care! I had a very busy social life before I became pregnant and yes, my single friends disappeared also. But... once I fell in love with my little boy there was no looking back. Everything from that day forward was about what was best for him and it still is.

 

I sometimes feel guilt about how stressed I was during the pregnancy. If I had known how well it was going to turn out, I would have just laid back and relaxed and enjoyed the calm before the storm :D

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My single friends have been dropping off since I shared my news.

When I was 38, a good friend of mine had an affair with a married man and got pregnant. She decided to keep the baby.

 

One-third of her friends dropped her when they found out she was having an affair.

 

Another third of her friends dropped her when they learned she was having the child.

 

Now, a decade later, her true friends have stuck by her and helped her through the process - becoming her and her daughter's family.

 

The father sees his daughter twice a year and barely provides support. It is not easy but I commend my friend for doing what she needed to do. And even if I privately did not agree with her decisions, I would never consider ending a friendship over it.

 

True friends stick by, through thick-and-thin.

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I have to tell you, your story struck a chord with me. I was in pretty much the exact same circumstances when I was pregnant with my son.

 

Have you checked to see if you can get your loans consolidated? I did that and it reduced my payment down to $100 a month. Of course I'll never pay it off at that rate, but later on when you are more secure, you will be able to pay more into it.

 

As for not feeling a connection to your baby, I didn't feel that either. I was under so much stress when I was pregnant it was hard to feel much of anything really. But... I will tell you that the moment I saw his little blue eyes staring up at me, I fell in love, and nothing, I mean NOTHING else mattered. People will tell you that and you won't know what they mean until it happens to you. It was most definitely love at first sight. I suspect you will feel the same once you see your little one.

 

There are plenty of websites that you can register with to get help with formula or other baby needs. I don't recall what they are right now but if you want, I will look and see what I can find. Or you could just do a google search. I know there was one site that sent me a check once a month for a free can of formula, another one sent me a coupon for $10 off a can. They really helped.

 

You will certainly want to file for child support, although I was told that I had to wait for 6 months before I could do so in the state I was in at the time. Just keep that in mind.

 

I also had a mentor that was assigned to me through my insurance company. She called me once a month during the pregnancy to check on me. It helped a LOT. She gave me tons of great advice.

 

Read the pregnancy books, buy diapers(when you can) to stock up, don't worry about a crib just yet, you won't need one for awhile.

 

Other than that... relax as much as you can. Sleep! Eat well, take your vitamins!

 

You can do this! I promise! It does get better!

 

As for sitting home alone? You know what? You won't care! I had a very busy social life before I became pregnant and yes, my single friends disappeared also. But... once I fell in love with my little boy there was no looking back. Everything from that day forward was about what was best for him and it still is.

 

I sometimes feel guilt about how stressed I was during the pregnancy. If I had known how well it was going to turn out, I would have just laid back and relaxed and enjoyed the calm before the storm :D

 

 

I almost cried when I read this because it just exuded positivity that I desperately need right now and I cannot thank you enough.

 

I have consolidated my loans as much as I can and because most are private, they have their own rules, so further deferment isn't a possibility. I will just start penny pinching now, which has never been my style, but it might be a nice, new change!

 

I will also look into some freebies here and there and I am not ashamed of having used baby items, so that can save me some money too.

 

Thank you again so much!!

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JitteryCoffeeBean

I'm a new mom but not single, and I will say that there are days where it is unbearably hard. Especially when my husband is at work.

 

But speaking as a child of a single mother, my mother had it really rough. She left my abusive father with my little sister and I and started with literally NOTHING. No money, no job, no education (she is an immigrant), nothing. She had to work hard to get where she is now. But the point is, she did it. And seeing that you have a stable career, I'm more than sure you can do it.

 

Becoming a parent changes something in you, makes you stronger when you need to be. It's hard, but you will pull through. There will be moments where you'll ask yourself, "what have I gotten myself into? I can't take this anymore," but like everything else, that moment will pass. And you will have a beautiful child that will be worth it every step of the way.

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dreamingoftigers
Ok, here is another question...I don't feel connected to this baby yet and am concerned that I won't ever feel that way. I am sure I am overreacting, but it's just too surreal right now. The situation with the father has me feeling very discarded. I am putting that aside and focusing on me and the baby, but I just don't have that motherly connection going on yet. Is that normal?

 

It's "normal" as in not uncommon.

 

You just haven't been a Mom yet. That isn't meant to sound exclusionary or snide. Motherhood does have large neural changes that come with it. You'll be surprised how prepared you are in actuality when your child is born.

 

When I first found out I was pregnant, one of my first thoughts was "oh I'm really not ready for this." I am a Mormon and at some brief times I thought about what it would be like to terminate because I wasn't sure I was up to the task. But that did go against every moral and personal stance I have. I don't think I am a "bad person" for thinking about it. Especially given the life-context I had. But she's amazing. She's every fun Saturday night rolled into one. She's better than shopping and traveling and chocolate.

 

Some things you think you'll miss. But when you bond with her (him) you won't care what's going on at that party or on that TV show.

 

My daughter hard a hard time getting out. 3.5 days of labour, so when she did come out, they didn't lay her on me right away. That's a big moment when oxytocin peaks and the bonding happens. It took me and my body a few days to get into the groove and really tightly bonded with her. Don't be surprised if the maternal doesn't kick in the second you find out you're pregnant.

 

And yes, I did find that because I felt discarded by my husband (found out he was cheating when I was 8 months pregnant) that it really periodically messed with me bonding with her. There is something to that no matter what anyone may try to shame you about.

 

When I found out he was cheating (before I gave birth) I sobbed and sobbed and said I didn't want the baby at all anymore and I think I may have even said that he could have her. I was pretty damn devastated. I know that at the core of me I never would've left her but I was shocked at the effect it had on me.

 

Anyhow, despite these bonding obstacles, I have still bonded with her and she's the center of my world. I have also fought like a demon for her in various ways. She is not a chore. She just isn't. Periodically she knows how to test me and push my buttons but that's par for the course.

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dreamingoftigers

I also remember my initial shock about being pregnant and how "maybe I don't want a child" despite having wanted one for years and being told I couldn't have one.

 

I actually thought about "why" I wouldn't want a child I came up with two very insightful, wholesome reasons:

 

1. It would make vacations more expensive and air travel can be very annoying with small children.

2. I don't like cleaning up snot noses.

 

Once I realized how superficial that was, and that I had not taken an airplane vacation in about 5 years.......I figured I could deal with the nose thing (which didn't become an issue with her anyhow).

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Hello all,

 

So I have posted recently that I have discovered I am pregnant and the father doesn't want to be involved. I had decided that since I am 34, have a stable job and have a good support system, I feel that I am in the best place I am going to be in my life to raise this child well on my own.

 

However, I have been wavering in my confidence for a number of reasons. My single friends have been dropping off since I shared my news. One went so far as to say our friendship will never be the same and she is in a pity party about how it's not fair that her friends are all moving on in their lives and she is not. I cannot entertain her silliness right now and am actually glad her drama-filled life will not affect mine any more. But, then there are others that I feel have been good friends who are just not supportive and haven't been engaging me.

 

It's starting to concern me about my finances because I truly just don't know how much a baby costs. I have a ton of student loans that just get more and more difficult to pay each month and I want to be able to make sure I can provide for my little one above and beyond. I wasn't raised with any money and I turned out ok, but I want to make sure my child doesn't suffer. I am still on the fence about filing for child support for a number of reasons though am leaning more towards it.

 

I suppose I am wondering how do single parents do it? How do they financially handle it and how do they raise a baby without emotional support of a partner? What is it like to sit home every night with your child and little social life? Not trying to sound selfish, but "me time" is essential for everyone here and there.

 

Let your so called single 'friends' go. It's THEIR LOSS. Really it is. They are not true friends if they are wanting to disappear on you. And yes, things will change but for the better!

 

You have family and you will have some friends who will stick around.

 

Be happy, be excited, all will work out fine. Don't stress out about your 'me' time, you will have people around to help you out for the first few months on and off, and you can even hire a nanny to come help as well once in a while.

 

Is your ex going to pay child support?

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Let your so called single 'friends' go. It's THEIR LOSS. Really it is. They are not true friends if they are wanting to disappear on you. And yes, things will change but for the better!

 

You have family and you will have some friends who will stick around.

 

Be happy, be excited, all will work out fine. Don't stress out about your 'me' time, you will have people around to help you out for the first few months on and off, and you can even hire a nanny to come help as well once in a while.

 

Is your ex going to pay child support?

 

 

I have been on the fence about filing for child support, but I know it is the right thing to do and I no longer care about how my ex views me when he realizes I filed. I told him that I didn't need him when he told me he wanted me to abort the pregnancy, so filing for child support pretty much contradicts that, but I need to set aside my own feelings of pride and take my little one into consideration. Even if I don't need his money right away for the baby, I can at least put is away for braces if the child needs them, or his/her first car, or college. There are plenty of things I can set aside that money for. Why should his dad get to walk away completely from responsibility and go out and spend hundreds on fishing poles and stupid trips?

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Stayinsilence

I was the wild friend in high school and college, I could talk myself in and out of anything. I never slowed down and I never was going to have kids or get married... At least that was my plan. My ex boyfriend planned to get me pregnant while we were on vacation, lots of booze and convincing me I took my pill when I hadn't, is how I got my son. I was really upset when I took a positive test a few weeks later. All my plans (as crazy as they sound now) were ruined.

 

My ex went to prison for robbery before I had the baby. I had to do the final month completely alone, it sucked. It was hard to be that far along without help. I was not the first person to hold my son... I'm embarrassed to admit I was the fifth. I had no interest in him he was cute but it wasn't what I wanted, it wasn't until I smelled him that I fell head over heels in love. The sweet baby smell is real, it was the best thing I've experienced.

 

He is my world, I've slowed down and now I'm a mommy first. I lost friends due to my lack of being exciting. But I couldn't care less! Being with my son is the best thing in the world. When I'm not with him I count the minutes I'm away. He's smart, funny, and very cute (I have people constantly telling me to get him into modeling and acting)

 

I'm kind of happy I don't have to share him. Bing single is hard. It sucks, and it has had negative effects on my boy, but the situation I'm in is rare and I always tell people I would be surprised if their experience was horrible, even mine has not been. With what I've gone through, I would do it again without question! Being a parent changed me.

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The most helpful thing a friend told me while I was pregnant was NOT TO PANIC if the bonding was slow to come. That advice was gold, so I'm passing it on to you.

 

The melty mommy love never whooshed in like a big rush. Pregnancy felt surreal throughout, and even after my son was born and they laid him on my chest, I looked at him and had kind of an absent-minded thought of, "Huh. So there you are!" I can't say when it "kicked in" - it was a slow and quiet arrival. But I'm chock full of melty mommy love today. :)

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Regardless of whether or not you're worried about finances, file for child support. It's not about you anymore. Child support is what's best for the child; you're obviously on a very tight budget and you don't want your child to have to go without because of not asking for child support.

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Why does everyone show support for the op? Shes trapping this poor guy and expects to file child support!?

 

Horrible! This is why western women have a bad name !

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