Son's Anger Toward Me

[mercuryshadow]

Long story short: My 9 year old son is harboring a lot of anger toward me because we moved to about half an hour away from his grandparents, and he is upset. Up until this past summer, we lived in the same town, and they saw him many times during the week. We now have an arrangement where he gets to see them about once a week, but he isn't happy with it, and his behavior toward me proves it.

 

I am getting married soon, and my FI is a magnificent role model for my son, loves him to death, and vice versa. I make sure he gets to see all of his old school friends, and am keeping him social in our new town.

 

This is difficult because I am trying to help him to see that this move was for the best, so we can all be a family. I understand that he misses his grandparents, and this is a big shift for him. It would be easier if they did not work, but they are not yet retired. I'm sure the frequency of visits will change once they've retired, but for now, any advice on what to do?

 

His behavior toward me consists of: screaming, saying "shut up", kicking/grabbing me... and it really saddens me that he's feeling so much anger toward me for this. He tells me he wants to live with them, but I have explained to him that that's not an option. This, by far, has been the most difficult aspect of parenthood thus far.

[nittygritty]

How much time did your son spend with his Grandparents before the move?

[nittygritty]

It may help him if he Skypes on the computer with them or calls them regularly.

[Balzac]

He's 9. His life has turned upside down. Your impending marriage/new everything else.

 

Validate his anger but teach him acceptable behaviors. Anger is a normal emotion - inappropriate acting out is unacceptable.

[mercuryshadow]

Before the move, my mother would provide after school care for him about 3 days a week, he'd see them for at least part of the weekend if not all, etc. Just like when I was a kid, and my grandma lived two roads away...

 

We're not terribly far now, but as I mentioned, my parents still work, so they cannot provide after school care anymore, and overnights are less frequent. I make sure he sees them at least once a week now. He's got facetime on his ipad, so he can call them whenever he wants.

 

I feel very guilty for turning his world upside down, as Balzac put it. I know I shouldn't, because I truly felt this move and new situation was the best thing for all of us. His dad is still in his life, but for all intensive purposes, I am the sole "functioning" parent. I try to do the best I can for him/us.

 

I need to work on effectively curbing these new behaviors of his. Nothing seems to phase him - loss of privileges, early bedtime, the "fear factor" (i.e. mom gets really angry and scary), etc. Any suggestions as far as this goes?

[Balzac]

Catch him being good. Reward good acceptable behavior. Offer him validation for his myriad of losses. This isn't really about how often he had access to his old life. It's about teaching him adaptation skills. Often in life we face losses. I'd consider that be may be worried about you leaving him or if he is "bad" enough he will be sent back. Kids have magical thinking. Negative attention is in fact attention.

[mercuryshadow]

Catch him being good. Reward good acceptable behavior. Offer him validation for his myriad of losses. This isn't really about how often he had access to his old life. It's about teaching him adaptation skills. Often in life we face losses. I'd consider that be may be worried about you leaving him or if he is "bad" enough he will be sent back. Kids have magical thinking. Negative attention is in fact attention.

 

 

Wow, you really hit the nail on the head. The other day, I sat down with him when things were calm and peaceful and asked him what was up with his behavior. He did actually say: "I want to go live with grandma and poppy." I told him this was not an option, but that I'd make sure he sees them as often as possible. He obviously was not satisfied with that, as he continued to act out for the rest of the week.

 

You're right. It's okay that he's sad/angry, but hitting, yelling, telling adults to "shut up" is NOT okay. That's what I need to work on. When he's behaved, he is a wonderful kid. I'll figure out some way to reward him when he's behaving well.

[Balzac]

The best reward is your undecided attention. Reading him a story that touches the aspect of loss or challenge. Baking cookies w him. A 15 minute walk outside. Giving him status recognition - a new privilege such as new bedtime or whatever.

Helping him to move along in his grief. You will get through this. Anger is about adrenalin. Fight or flight is about using the physical energy.

[Balzac]

Undivided attention - oops.

[turnera]

It may also be tied to your impending marriage, he may just not realize that; he's 9.

 

Lots of attention but also consistent, unemotional punishment for an offense, preferably time out (1 minute for each year of age). Use authoritative parenting (lots of good articles on it). Tell him ahead of time what his punishments will be for this and that and then, when he does it, calmly take him to where the punishment is to take place (bedroom, stairs, whatever), tell him he has 9 minutes to think about what he did and why he's losing access to tv, whatever, and that you'll be back. Come back at 9 minutes and ask him to apologize. If he refuses, give him 9 more minutes, rinse and repeat. It may take a really stressful day to get it across you aren't budging, but he'll eventually get it.

[mea_M]

It could be a phase as well as a mix of adjusting to a new family situation. I've been through it. What helped on my end was talking to him. Asking what was making him angry and how mommy could help that anger go away. Believe it or not, he opened up. And bye bye anger. You'd be surprised at how much a child will sit and talk about if given the chance. If you approach him in a calm manner he may just confide in mommy. Good communication with our kids is so important. Good luck. Talk it through is my suggestion.

 

Mea:)

[TigerCub]

Is your fiance good to him?

 

Are you sure that your son gets along with the fiance?

 

I ask because if that's not the case, then I would imagine that he would be angry and scared of having to move further away from what's safe and loving (his grandparents) because of someone he doesn't get along with?

 

Hopefully that's not the case.

[mercuryshadow]

Is your fiance good to him?

 

Are you sure that your son gets along with the fiance?

 

I ask because if that's not the case, then I would imagine that he would be angry and scared of having to move further away from what's safe and loving (his grandparents) because of someone he doesn't get along with?

 

Hopefully that's not the case.

 

 

Oh, yes, my fiancé is so, so good to him. Unbelievably. My son loves him very much. They do "guy stuff" together, without my pushing them to. My son has asked when he can call him "dad", but we're holding off on that to feel out how his father feels about it, as my fiancé doesn't want to offend him. I think my son is more excited to see my FI than to see me after school. I am very blessed, as is my son, to have a guy like my FI. This was far from the case in my previous relationship, and I would never let someone who didn't care much to be bothered with children/my child be involved in my son's life again.

 

And Mea, yes, thanks. I am going to address it again with him during a peaceful time. Unfortunately, he is more open with his dad than he is with me, but I'll do my best to try to get him to open up more. One on one positive attention seems to work best, so I'll try for that. Thanks!!

[TigerCub]

Oh, yes, my fiancé is so, so good to him. Unbelievably. My son loves him very much. They do "guy stuff" together, without my pushing them to. My son has asked when he can call him "dad", but we're holding off on that to feel out how his father feels about it, as my fiancé doesn't want to offend him. I think my son is more excited to see my FI than to see me after school. I am very blessed, as is my son, to have a guy like my FI. This was far from the case in my previous relationship, and I would never let someone who didn't care much to be bothered with children/my child be involved in my son's life again.

 

And Mea, yes, thanks. I am going to address it again with him during a peaceful time. Unfortunately, he is more open with his dad than he is with me, but I'll do my best to try to get him to open up more. One on one positive attention seems to work best, so I'll try for that. Thanks!!

 

I'm very glad to hear that they have such a close and happy relationship

That's fantastic!

 

Glad that it is not part of his anger issues.

 

I think the advice everyone else suggested about giving him a chance to talk and rewarding his good behavior and making time for him sounds good.

 

I don't have kids, so I really gots nothin else

 

Good luck.

[mercuryshadow]

Thank you to anyone who has kept up with this thread.

 

My son's father called me last night to tell me he had some concerns to bring to me. He said that our son had told him he was not happy with the situation at our new home. What he conveyed to me was that our son had told him that there was too much anger. I agreed, that yes, whilst settling in, and when our son was not being cooperative, there was a bit of anger and, yes, our son did experience a good deal of punishment these past few weeks. I told his father that it needed to go both ways- that I needed for our son to understand the importance of his cooperation in order for things to go more smoothly in our new home. I will admit that my patience has hit a wall on a couple of occasions, but other than that, I am extremely patient.

 

I don't know what is going on entirely. My ex seemed fixated on demonizing me for moving our son, and for him being angry about the situation. I share custody with my ex. I am not exaggerating when I say that my ex has moved about 4 times. I've moved only this once. I thought it was normal progress in life...I believed it would be a better situation for us (to build a new family). My ex is trying to convey to me that I've done something wrong. And he says that I am the cause of our son's unhappiness.

 

I couldn't sleep last night and feel awful today. I am so upset that my son is unhappy. I plan on speaking with him tonight. I do know that my son feels he is being "abused" if he doesn't get his way. I tried to explain this to my ex last night, but he wouldn't let me get a word in. I want to figure this out, but it's so confusing.

Edited October 2, 2013 by mercuryshadow

[turnera]

Time to take him to a therapist who will set him straight.

[mercuryshadow]

You're right.

 

I've contacted his school counselor, and am afraid that a child psychologist may be my best option at this point.

[pteromom]

You need to spend some time with your son. Some 1-on-1 time without your SO. Do something he loves with him. Go on a roadtrip with him.

 

His world HAS been turned upside down, and he needs to understand that your bond is still alive and well, that you are always on his side, and that he is a priority to you. He needs your time more than anything else.

[mea_M]

You're right.

 

I've contacted his school counselor, and am afraid that a child psychologist may be my best option at this point.

 

Mercury, While not a bad idea at all, use caution here. Many child therapists now a days seem to be a little to quick to say he/she needs meds. Research that if suggested. I say this because I know a feel adults now that were thrown on meds as a child and it really changed their brain chemistry and not for the better. However, talk therapy and suggestions of outlets for your son to release his anger I'm sure would be very helpful. Good luck sweetie.

 

Mea:)

[Tayla]

Mea....that is so true. My nephew has been six years on meds.That are unnecessary and dope him down...its sad to see.

 

I try to remain neutral on gender raising, yet I have found that with my sons when growing up and conveying angst towards me...I had to reach beyond the anger....No we didnt "talk" it out, instead we "walked" it out....I took time out to go on a walk . A trip to the local soda shop followed by easy chatting and getting to know them again. We played baseball and giggled...Sometimes moving away from the "issue" allows it to subside....so that other things can be rebuilt. Mostly they started to Trust that I would be there...that I could be depended on.

The Grandparents were for years the "caretaker" and "substitute parent" in some ways...That is hard to ask the child to dismiss and "wise up!". Have your son write them notes, get a card or simply plan a weekend stay over...

[Quiet Storm]

It sounds like he doesn't have any coping skills.

 

It's our job as parents to model coping skills. When you have a problem, how does he see you cope? How did he see his father cope?

 

He needs to learn how to self soothe.

 

Here is website with some techniques

 

Self-Sooth

[mercuryshadow]

Thank you, to everyone who has responded with suggestions/advice.

 

Mea, I don't ever want my son to be on those kinds of meds. I don't believe he needs them, as he is bright, happy, active and pretty "normal" for a kid his age. I've seen what those meds can do to people, and I absolutely won't have any of that for my son.

 

We've been making a bit of progress! I've had some great one on one time with him, and for the times when I cannot give him my full attention due to cooking, cleaning, etc., I ask for his help, as he seems happy to be involved. he's opened up some, and has also spoken to the school counselor who seems very nice. She was very impressed with him, and he told her that he misses his grandparents and the pets he grew up with. (they had a dog who was/is his best buddy). He still gets to have Friday night sleepovers with them, and then we sometimes go to their house on Sundays for dinner.

 

I've also asked him if he'd like to sign up for Boy Scouts, so he can meet more kids and be involved in something of interest to him. He seems excited about it.

 

As for coping, I will have to do some introspection about that. In recent years, my coping skills have gotten immensely better. In years past, they were far from perfect. I hope to be able to reinforce better techniques so that he develops healthier habits.

[SpiralOut]

I think it is good that you are noticing his anger and feeling concerned about it. Kids don't always know how to express their feelings properly so it's up to you to help him. He is trying to get your attention. He needs to know that you care about his feelings.

[mea_M]

Thank you, to everyone who has responded with suggestions/advice.

 

Mea, I don't ever want my son to be on those kinds of meds. I don't believe he needs them, as he is bright, happy, active and pretty "normal" for a kid his age. I've seen what those meds can do to people, and I absolutely won't have any of that for my son.

 

I hear you loud and clear about the meds. I think its probably important to identify the trigger that is setting off the anger. In my child it was a bully. We needed to identify that in order to be able to teach him coping skills. With a little direction from guidance and my idea of using imagery and relaxing music it changed his thought process. I think the only time meds are required is when they have concreate evidence that the benefit out weights the risk to your child. And still, I'd question away and look for a more natural alternative way to set the path for a healthy thought process. Much of this this is how he thinks I'm pretty sure. Hang in there girly.

 

Mea:)

[mercuryshadow]

This happened to someone I knew.

 

See, he is closer to his grandparents than to you.

 

That's actually not true at all. They were certainly a big part of his life for the entirety of it (just as my grandma was when I was a kid), but what he is struggling with now is a change of surroundings and dynamic. I provided him with the only stability he knew. His father, on the other hand, picked up and moved several times, and with several different women. For my son, that was the norm with his father. Truth be told, I didn't approve.

 

My FI and I are very loving and involved. However, we are not pushovers like my parents were with my son. We have rules, and we have structure. Not at all in a militant style, but reasonable rules for a 9 year old. It's going to take time for him to adjust. Heck, I'm still adjusting to the new home, new area, new dynamic.