Jump to content

13 yr old son, lies & porn


Mom2Many30

Recommended Posts

I need some outside insight on this one. My son has rocked my mind. My son will be 13 this month and has had an obsession with porn for a number of years now. I've spoke to his doctor, who says its normal, that technology makes it so easily available, blah blah blah. This first started with a playboy magazine when he was 7 o_O. So over the years it's been google search on computer, ok you're not allowed on the computer and you're grounded, then it was $50 of porn on my cable box, holy crap son! So cable box is parental blocked all to hell & grounded again..add in a Nintendo ds event, which he can no longer have & was grounded again.....and now 2 weeks ago snuck his stepbrothers iPod to watch porn :/

 

Now, I get the curiosity of wanting to look. But my punishments are pretty strict, no tv, nothing, you read, and the kid has been on restriction for 2 weeks! But low and behold I catch him at it again tonight, still on restriction!

So I guess my question is for the guys..is this normal?! No matter what punishment the kid gets, he's right back to looking. I'm a single mom and don't know what the hell is going on in his head. He will look right at me and lie, not even realizing he's caught red handed. I tried to ask him what is it about it that keeps him so interested that he continues to sneak devices and lie and he has no answer or excuse. I know he's probably embarrassed as hell but geez, I need some help here.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Absolutely its normal. Look, you have never been a 13 year old boy. Its absolutely irresistible and you are curious and hormonal and just vagina crazy. Now look I get that charging 50 bucks in porn is bad, but are you really going to just keep punishing and punishing forever?

 

 

I mean, in school, all they are talking about is who is banging who, and the only things his friends talk about is sex and video games.

 

 

At what age do you stop hovering over him and give him his independence? You pretty much have to sit him down and explain to him look buddy, I don't ever want to catch you beating off , so tell him to stay in his room and teach him how to erase history.

 

The conversation will embarrass the hell out of him, which is hilarious in of itself. But giving a teenager a slice of privacy and independence is an important part of becoming an adult. Might want to start knocking before entering too.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

My memory of 13 was the massive number tissue boxes I "blew" through. Many moms I know refer to 14 as the Kleenex age. Normal? Yup.

No dad in the kids life? No uncles, granddaddy?

 

You are pressuring him into lies. He's a kid.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you need to let your son watch porn and masturbate...it's normal and natural

 

Just tell him not to spend money on it (he can stream tons of it for free, which I'm sure he's aware of). He ordered porn because you cut off his access to the internet.

 

Why are you trying to suppress his natural urges. There's nothing wrong or shameful about watching porn. He's not a porn addict. He's 13. Let him get it out of his system.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

lol oh he knows how to erase history, he just always gets caught because he takes others devices to look. I'm at a loss with the punishment issue, I'm really over it. I'm not trying to give my boy a complex or cause him to think sex is bad. Both of the replies so far have been awesome and really set my mind at ease.

As far as dad, he's never been around, and we just recently lost his fav uncle to a hit and run. I have a live in boyfriend who also has a 13 year old boy living here, but he's been at a loss as what to do, so I just deal with it the way I have been. I'm psyched to show him the response I've gotten so far.

 

Any other insight welcome!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

BeholdtheMan I'm not trying to suppress his natural urges, I came here trying to get insight as to what is normal and if I've been overreacting, which I'm seeing I have been. I've always been open with my son about his body and masterbation, puberty, you name it. I think I'm just more upset about the lying, which I see I may have caused.

As far as just letting him roam porn sights at 13, I think he can wait until he has his own computer, as the family one is in the kitchen lol

But my bf has a stack of magazines I may let him in on after we talk again.

Thank you for your insight :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think the porn is a problem.

Ok, at 7yrs it might have been a problem, but not now ...

[you should have cut him off completely from the internet at that age ... something drastic]

 

You have 2 problems right now :

- he is getting better and better at lying, and he got more and more used with lying ... this is very bad for all of his future relationships

- he is getting desensitized to punishment ... there is a limit to what you can remove from his life as punishment, and you are already there

 

I think you need to talk to a child psychologist for a better opinion.

 

PS: If you ever talk with him about lies and porn, be careful he doesn't try to blameshift the whole thing on you.

The punishments and the attitude is on you, but he chose to lie, nobody forced him.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Radu, at 7 it's old it was a smut magazine. I told him at the time he shouldn't be looking at that, that he was too young. In the weeks following he would see a magazine, say Good Housekeeping, and would be flipping through like he was expecting to see some boobs. Once he realized he wasn't finding tits in moms mags he gave up.

I do think he is getting desensitized to punishment, but as far as getting better at lying, he's missed that boat. I can tell by just a look in his eye if hes lying, actually, I can have my back turned and tell from the tone of his voice, mainly bc almost every lie he's told, I've known the truth before he answered with a lie.

He does see the school counselor twice a week who he's close with. I think ill mention these issues with him and see if he can advise him better than I as a MOM who is seeming to have trouble accepting she has a teen boy on her hands and not her wee baby boy anymore.

Thank you for your insight!!

Oh, and when he's busted, he is open to talking, but his answer is always that he didn't think he'd get caught...poor fella can't get away with anything lol

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have seen WAY too many cases of marriages ruined because these 'men' became obsessed with porn at an early age. If it were my son, I'd be taking him to a specialist therapist who can talk to him about what's normal and what's not.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

And see I've thought about that aspect, ad at one point tried to explain that when he's ready to find love or someone he wants to marry, that it wouldn't a be a lady that lets people take naked pictures or videos of her, that its NOT what everyone does. I'm seriously considering a specialist, but I don't want to keep making a big deal out of his sexuality or self practices. This has been a hard confusing road...

Link to post
Share on other sites

IDK, every case of it I've seen, it becomes an addiction, and the man becomes desensitized to what 'real' sex looks like. The wife can never compete, and the marriage dissolves. It takes years and years to get any headway on getting him to stop being addicted, if he does at all.

 

I'd rather see my son be uncomfortable right now about going to someone to talk about it, then see his life go down the toilet.

 

Looking at porn with your friends is normal. Seeking it out every chance you get, becoming a sneak just to get it is a lot closer to an addiction.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't worry... my sister and I, she was 6 I was 10... found my pops stash... it was 70's porn I believe... everyone had hair down there and stuff... we used to watch the videos and magazines... we didn't do anything but laugh and point out what size of boobs we wanted one day.

 

but every kid gets curious... if u make it a big deal he could register it differently.

 

just find him a behavioral therapist (man preferably) to talk about how much he likes porn and if he wants it more than a girl.

 

if he prefers porn over a girl ... then your in trouble... aside from that don't worry.

to talk to him about what

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
IDK, every case of it I've seen, it becomes an addiction, and the man becomes desensitized to what 'real' sex looks like. The wife can never compete, and the marriage dissolves. It takes years and years to get any headway on getting him to stop being addicted, if he does at all.

 

I'd rather see my son be uncomfortable right now about going to someone to talk about it, then see his life go down the toilet.

 

Looking at porn with your friends is normal. Seeking it out every chance you get, becoming a sneak just to get it is a lot closer to an addiction.

 

His life go down the toilet ? Drama Queen much?

 

 

I've watched SOOOOOOOOOO much porn in my 24 Years, and I'm just fine. I'm not desensitized to sex and I know what a realistic woman looks and behaves like. Its called seperating fantasy from reality.

 

 

You are trying to take your anecdotal experience and copy paste it onto all of men... and its wrong.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Disagree with most here.

 

This is not normal.

 

It is normal to be curious and check out porn. It is normal to be fascinated by it. It is not normal to begin watching it at 7 and keep watching it despite the many warnings/punishments.

 

I understand the male hormone thing. I know that I watched porn when I was in my teens. I also know that I had no interest before puberty. I saw it but had no interest in it. And even in my teens, I would never have used my folks money to buy it (mags back then).

 

I have teenage boys. I know how sex and women becomes a priority. I have had a son that checked out porn. I don't doubt that the others did too. But never would one use my CC to buy it.

 

Personally, I think you do need to talk with a professional who deals with children. This is more than simple curiosity or even a healthy interest in sex.

  • Like 10
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think there's a problem with the real thing vs porn, at least not a high probability of this.

 

I started looking at porn when i was 11 or so, my mom found my stash at 12 and i started collecting Playboy at 16 [even took it to school a few times].

I was a total social outcast and i lost my virginity shortly before turning 25.

Around that time, porn went out the window and that's what's going to happen most likely to this boy; it just doesn't compare to the real thing.

 

For the last few yrs i've been single and obviously my porn collection grew.

 

This is why i have a small problem with what turner posted, because it kinda feeds into your original idea of when you started this thread; that this was a porn problem.

It's not, it's a lying problem [regardless of weather you can personally spot it or not], and it's slowly becoming a desensitizing problem to punishment.

 

The school counselor thing, you know best tbh. All i can say is that i would have been horribly emasculated and felt like dirt had the counselor been told these things [my mom told the teacher assigned to my class when i was 11 that i had bulimia, and she chose to use it against me].

 

A while back i found a forum called something like 'Daughters', it was designed for men, to make sure their daughters grew up well adjusted.

Maybe there is a similar option for 'Sons'.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I need some outside insight on this one. My son has rocked my mind. My son will be 13 this month and has had an obsession with porn for a number of years now. I've spoke to his doctor, who says its normal, that technology makes it so easily available, blah blah blah. This first started with a playboy magazine when he was 7 o_O. So over the years it's been google search on computer, ok you're not allowed on the computer and you're grounded, then it was $50 of porn on my cable box, holy crap son! So cable box is parental blocked all to hell & grounded again..add in a Nintendo ds event, which he can no longer have & was grounded again.....and now 2 weeks ago snuck his stepbrothers iPod to watch porn :/

 

Now, I get the curiosity of wanting to look. But my punishments are pretty strict, no tv, nothing, you read, and the kid has been on restriction for 2 weeks! But low and behold I catch him at it again tonight, still on restriction!

So I guess my question is for the guys..is this normal?! No matter what punishment the kid gets, he's right back to looking. I'm a single mom and don't know what the hell is going on in his head. He will look right at me and lie, not even realizing he's caught red handed. I tried to ask him what is it about it that keeps him so interested that he continues to sneak devices and lie and he has no answer or excuse. I know he's probably embarrassed as hell but geez, I need some help here.

 

I can't say if it's normal, or not. It's a generation thing for me. The way you decribe feels a little abnormal to me.

 

I am 47, I remember sneaking a a girly magazine or two into the house when I was your sons age. That was it. I did not obsess over it. I never saw sex then either, as in a video. Just pictures.

 

Today, entirely new world with the internet and technology. And you cannot control him once he walks out the door (friends houses, other media outlets, etc).

 

I would suggest a good child psychologist, at least short term. He could be rebelling because you are saying "NO!".

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I would advise you against speaking to your sons counselor about his private affairs. Leave your son alone, he's a healthy young man in an age of population control. There is so many additives to our food supply to lower our reproduction abilities, be thankful. His wacking off and hunger for porn will whine down after he's older, and had a loving relationship with a partner whom he can quench his sexual thirst. Please mom turn a blind eyes and give him that FREEDOM...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Ladies, you can stop blaming porn for all these problems you all list, because its not the porn, its the person watching the porn.

 

It's like blaming the casino for some ones gambling addiction and how it affects their life, when in reality, its the PERSON.

 

 

 

 

 

To that person who claimed women don't like rape, or more specifically bondage, explain to me why 50 shades of grey exploded.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I would advise you against speaking to your sons counselor about his private affairs. Leave your son alone, he's a healthy young man in an age of population control. There is so many additives to our food supply to lower our reproduction abilities, be thankful. His wacking off and hunger for porn will whine down after he's older, and had a loving relationship with a partner whom he can quench his sexual thirst. Please mom turn a blind eyes and give him that FREEDOM...

 

 

oh yeah I agree with this completely. If you start going and telling other people about your sons personal business, its going to alienate him from you, you are going to embarrass the hell out of him to OTHER people, and he will resent you for it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

JamesM-he didnt start watching porn @ 7, he saw a magazine @ 7, around 8 he searched "hot gurls" on google, between 8 and 13 there have been 4 cases of porn issues, but not once did he steal a credit card to order it, simply charged 2 videos to our cable box account.

I have a quick job them ill be back to reply more...more responses have come up since I started this reply to JamesM. Thanks guys!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
oh yeah I agree with this completely. If you start going and telling other people about your sons personal business, its going to alienate him from you, you are going to embarrass the hell out of him to OTHER people, and he will resent you for it.

 

Exactly..

 

I would advise against taking him to see a shrink. All that is going to do is cause self esteem issues in the young lad and screw him up psychologically for ever.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

A couple of things.....

 

First, I do think this is a bit unhealthy for a boy to be so interested in porn. Having said that, this doesn't mean he is affected for the rest of his life.

 

Second, Since he has shown interest from the time he first saw it at 7 years, then if it were my son, I would consider talking with someone about it. That doesn't mean you need to bring him along. I think it would be helpful for you at the least.

 

Third, the old "I did it and I turned out okay" is a flawed argument on many different levels. The first main one is that most of us are rather subjective about ourselves. We may think we are just fine, but in reality we don't realize how something has truly affected us. Our attitude towards women may be different than what we think we portray. Our interest in women purely for sex or as mostly for sex may be a result of our porn influence. If we had not watched it, then we may view women with more respect and for more than their bodies. The second main reason is that everyone is different. What affects me one way may affect you completely different. So, even though porn did not affect you does not mean that without some sort of counseling this you man may be affected for the worse.

 

And fourth, this is NOT a discussion about the morality of porn. It is about whether the obsession or use of this young man is something to be concerned over, or if it shall pass without any influence on his future life and relationships.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

Bondage is a mental issue between a man and a consenting woman.

 

Rape is a form of violent CONTROL over a woman, when she doesn't want it.

 

Sorry for the T/J.

 

For those of you who say it won't affect him, go ahead and believe it. I've been on forums for more than 10 years and have read of thousands of marriages in that time. A marriage destroyed by porn is not just a fantasy. It's a stark reality.

 

Will her son turn into a crazy person? Not likely. But if he continues down the spiral of sneaking to get it, lying, accepting the lying as a matter of course, and seeking out the porn, there's a really good chance that it's going to affect who he becomes and any relationships he gets into.

 

I totally get not wanting to alienate him; it would have to be dealt with in a healthy way, not treating him like he's sick or something. But it can be done.

Edited by turnera
Link to post
Share on other sites

This isn't about porn being OK for men. It's not about porn being evil either.

 

This is about a boy who is 13, in the formative years of his sexuality, exposing himself to images and scenarios that aren't realistic.

 

It's easy to separate fantasy from reality with, say, action movies. Because in real life, he isn't running around with a shiny chest and an M16.

 

But sex WILL be part of his real life. And trust me, his future wife will be happier if he doesn't come pre-programmed with porn-induced turn-ons. How many threads do we see here on LS about wives crying b/c their husbands watch porn but won't sleep with them? How many women feel objectified because their husbands relate to sex through body parts rather than emotional connection?

 

I know boys will be boys and all that. I know that porn can be a part of a healthy outlook on life. But this kid is in his formative years and it just isn't a good idea to throw a computer in his room and let him loose with all the wild and crazy porn that exists in the world.

 

So what would I do?

 

I would talk to him, even if it doesn't seem like he is listening. I would tell him that it isn't healthy for him to watch porn at his age, and that you will continue to restrict access. You should be able to block it on all devices. Yes, he may still see it at a friend's house or something, but that isn't the same as sitting in his room for hours with it every night.

 

I would make sure you are doing everything in your power to offset any values he builds through watching porn. This means encouraging friendships, putting him in situations where he interacts with girls, putting him in situations where he witnesses healthy relationships, and talking to him... or in the case of a teenager, talking AT him if he clams up. LOL

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...