lnichols Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 I'm a new step parent and this is uncharted territory for me! My new husband brought home his 17 year old son for a month during the summer. The son had never met me, nor I him. He's an okay kid, I relate well with teens, I have one myself. In fact, I had this rosey picture in my head about how the boys would get along, play videos, go running around town, watch movies, snack and do all the things that my teen does with his friends. WRONG! They hardly speak. Step son has informed us that he no longer plays video games, he has seen every movie made and does not care to see them again. He basically sits and plays guitar. I have tried to talk to him, but unless his dad is in the house, he doesn't say anything to me. I know he must feel strange. His dad's house is now occupied by two new kids and a new wife. I feel like I have tried to make him comfortable. He knows his way around the house and where everything is. We just aren't connecting as well as I had hoped. He's far too old to need a step mother. I have tried to let him and his dad have lots of alone time to be together. My husband has been doing a lot of stuff with all three boys in an effort to bring them together. I can't imagine how my step son must feel in this situation but else do I need to do? I think that my step son is bored and just waiting to go home to be with his friends again. This is stressful for me! I wanted everything to go so well. I dread Christmas! Someone who has been through this, HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 The problems you are experiencing are common in second families. A good family councelor can help all of you sort this out, allow the children to identify the issues of resentmant, fear, uncertainty and confusion about dynamics they are not prepared to deal with. It is important that you and you new husband take the lead and do this right, since problems with children from previous marriages are major causes of failure for the second marriages. The Brady Bunch was nothing more than good TV...... I don't believe in "step-parenting." Your husband's children are his children and they already have a mother. You're you husband's wife and your job is to support him as a parent to his children, not try to be a second mother. Ditto with him and his relationship to your children. Believe me kids, especially teenagers detest someone assuming the role of parent when another parent is the last thing they want. they resent it and they revolt. That's what you are experiencing now. The family therapist can help everyone define roles and set realistic expectations. Because the child feels that he is involved in the process and his needs/wants are being addressed, he will settle in and let go of the negative emotions he is currently experiencing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lnichols Posted June 18, 2004 Author Share Posted June 18, 2004 Oh, I don't believe in step-parenting, either. I was looking forward to just hanging with this kid and getting to know him. I wanted him, I guess, to form a kind of natural attachment to me like my boys have to my husband. They dig each other! My husband has been so great with them, and we all just fit together from day 1! I think that both of us thought that might happen with his son, and when it hasn't it is a little stressful. My husband even made the statement that "I expected him to love my kids when I don't even like his". That was hurtful to me. He later said it was unfair of him to say . I just want the kid to like me, and I thought the best way to do that was to make him welcomed and just let things progress naturally by just being a family. I'm on pins and needles about this. I feel sorry for him because I know he is wondering where he fits in, but I just wish he'd be himself with me like he is with his dad. I don't think he dislikes me, but I don't know. God! I am usually so much better with teens! What went wrong! Link to post Share on other sites
zoomer Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 First...You have done nothing wrong! This is normal behavior and will take time adjusting for all. Patience, lots of Patience! Here is an informative link you may want to browse through...http://www.bonusfamilies.com/modules.php?name=BonusBio&func=show&articleid=41&articlepage=1 May be some advice you could use. Hang in there and with time, I think all will be well because you sound like you have a loving family. Just realize and remember that all teens are not the same and do not enjoy the same activities. Go on as you would normally but always invite all and include all, whether they accept or decline is their decision. After a while, they will realize that they just might have a little fun if they accepted and joined in. Good Luck and it does get better! Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 Originally posted by lnichols I just want the kid to like me, and I thought the best way to do that was to make him welcomed and just let things progress naturally by just being a family. This is the problem: He isn't ready or does not want to view you as "family." He had a family already and it came unglued. Now he's being asked to accept a complete stranger as part of his family. You may not believe in the step-mother thing, but I bet he has some friends with step-mothers and may have formed his opinion of what a step-mother is from their experiences. He may just need time and patience. Consistency on your part will go far in giving him what he needs to trust you. But if he shows signs that he isn't adjusting or isn't adjusting well and accepting this new dimension to his life, you must get him into a family councelor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lnichols Posted June 18, 2004 Author Share Posted June 18, 2004 Thanks, guys! I sure hope it gets better. I think it should, especially if he can see that his dad and me are going to stay married. Your are both right. He may not want to fit in right now, and he may have a pre-conceived notion of what step mothers are like. Give me patience! And the skills to do this right! Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 Now that summer is here, would it be possible to invite one of his 'old' friends for a visit for a week or so? Do you have room - or can you make room? Maybe if he has an old friend to be with for a while he won't feel so isolated. It may help merge his old comfort-zone to his new surroundings. Don't expect or even ask them to do things together with your new blended family -- let them hang out together. Maybe just have dinner together a few times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lnichols Posted June 18, 2004 Author Share Posted June 18, 2004 Not possible. His mother wanted him to be here for a month so that he cound get away from his evil influences. She wanted her ex to "make a man of him" (whatever that means). And he lives about 5 hours away. I'm sure that if he lived closer, he would be hanging with his friends right now. As it is, he wants to go home because he is having conflict with his girlfriend. I'm sure he'll end up leaving early. His dad bought him a car recently, and that was about the whole purpose of coming anyway. The wheels were the thing. Mom had a fit and said that he had to stay at least 3 weeks. Well, three are up next week. We'll see. The other thing is that he is sleeping on the couch in the living room. That was where his dad put him. I suggested that my sons bunk together and take my teen's room. (Probably not good either) I guess he had told his mother f- you several times prioor to the trip and she was wanting dad to deal with it. Not to sound like a drill instructor, but my teen KNOWS not to say that to me! And I certainly would not tolerate that from the step son. And you know, I think I could deal with that stuff! It is just the feeling that this kid is kinda drifting around the house. He put his stuff in our bathroom. I came home from work the first day he was there and walked into our room and there he was in his underwear brushing his teeth! Talk about a way to meet! I just said hello and walked out. I know that compared to some problems families have, this one is mild. I just worry. I want this thing to work out. We won't see each other that often, I don't think! But you never know when he might decide to go live with dad and then we would have to learn to get along like it or not. I love my husband. I want to love his kids too. And I want his kids to at least be able to tolerate me! (He has a grown daughter in Nothern Calif). Link to post Share on other sites
zoomer Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 It sounds as if the step-son has issues of his own...even at his "home". You sound like you are doing well handling the situation. It is temporary for the moment and he will grow up very quickly. Something to remember! They grow really fast and all teens are difficult to understand at times! If it were more permanent I would have to suggest that he have his own bed. It's natural to want the step kids to "like" you but just be yourself and that will come with time and growing too. I certainly wouldn't allow that type of profanity from a child either and whatever you do, don't allow the step children to get by with anything you wouldn't allow your own to do! (Not that you would) When they finally reach adulthood they will look back and realize who was good to them no matter what (and how badly they acted) and who stood by them at any time. Step children do grow to love stepmothers and fathers...regardless of the horror stories! keep hanging in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lnichols Posted June 18, 2004 Author Share Posted June 18, 2004 Oh, thanks! Really. I hope this phase passes quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lnichols Posted June 21, 2004 Author Share Posted June 21, 2004 New report of the step son! We got along much better this weekend. My kids were home and that helped, as my 9 year old really likes him and they kinda did things together. Step son is going home on Wednesday. Went with his dad back to OK and will drive back to mom's from there. We actually had a conversation, though! He just sat around this weekend, but his mind is already back home with his friends, so I can relate. Dad is down because the visit is almost over, but I just said that his son has his own life, and we can't expect him to just hang with us, no mattter how much they love each other. There was a noticable reduction in stress over last weekend. When they left, I told him that I enjoyed meeting him and hoped that he found me at least somewhat tolerable. (LOL). He had made the comment to his dad that he thinks I am mean (to my own kids), but I am just have expectations of my kids and we stick to them. (I don't know what his mom's parenting style consists of...) Anyway, I don't anticipate seeing him again until November or December. Unless!!! You never know! Thanks for the advice! Link to post Share on other sites
zoomer Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 That is Great News! OHHH all my kids friends think I am "Mean" too...because I have rules and make my kids follow them! BUT...their friends like me too! They cut up with us and we all get along when they are over swimming and playing xbox with the boys. We just have rules and some of their parents don't have such strict rules...but I explained to them that when you have five children in a home...you have to have certain rules. Most of them (friends) are an only child or have one sibling...that does make a difference. While we may have established rules...we are still loving and fun! You've done a great job and with each visit...he will be more comfortable, I think, and will become more accepting of all! Thanks for the update. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Hi, I am a child of a family that sort of blended... My father married my step-mom when I was 19, so I was already out of the house. My brothers and sisters (15-18, at the time) stayed with my mum and her kids were there with my dad for a short time as they were close in age to us. My step-brothers and sisters are cool, but we've never really been good friends. It's fun to see them though! Sooooo, just wanted to throw another "be patient" out there. His son may never view you as a parental figure (especially because he is already 17), but you two can become friends of sorts. (My only suggestion: please don't be critical of lifestyle choices. For example, I am agnostic and my step-mom always tries to get me to go to church with them because "[i'm] going to hell" when I visit. I'm 35 and not planning on returning to the church.) Good luck with your future visits! Just try to talk to him here and there when you have a chance. Act interested in his life and he may surprise you. To this day, whenever I call my dad and she answers the phone, she just says that she'll get my dad. I always try to start conversations with her first (I don't immediately ask for him; I ask her how she is; ask her about the weather) and most of the time she brushes them off, unknowingly, I'm sure. It's kind of sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lnichols Posted June 22, 2004 Author Share Posted June 22, 2004 I guess I may be freakin' a little about this whole thing, but I know that his dad loves his kids more than anything, as he should!, and I know that it is vital to our marriage to make this relationship work! I am glad to head from a step kid! I would like to hear more from anyone who has had a step child experience - good or bad. I never had that experience. My mom and dad have been married to each other since 1948! I grew up in a small town and divorce was just not talked about! This is my second marriage and I realized early on that most men my age were going to have kids. Now, here I am. He really accepted my kids quickly, and they him. I just want his son and I to have a healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
NewStepmom38 Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 HI, I can relate to your situation as I am a new step mom of a daughter who is 9 and he is a new step dad to my children 15 yr old son and 6 yr old daughter! It took some time for my son to get close to his step dad! He was trying so hard to get my son to like him, and that was the problem! So we decided that we were just going to let things grow together and let my son come to him when he grew comfortable with the new man! What really helped for him was when he showed interest in my son's hobby (which is skateboarding) He would watch my son skateboard show him that he was very interested in it by asking him questions about it etc. It took about a month but they have grown very close! My son loves his step dad! He has sat down with my son and told him that he wants a close friendship with him and that he is not here to take him away or take his dad's place. My advice to you is to just let him come to you when he is ready, show some interest in his interests, don't over do it though! Things will be fine, this is a change for him and he just needs some time to get to know you and trust you!! Good luck to you!! Link to post Share on other sites
soccorsilly Posted July 18, 2004 Share Posted July 18, 2004 I am a divorced dad of three and share custody with my ex wife who recently got remarried. We were at a doctors appointment with my duaghter together and she mentioned (not in front of our daughter) that there were some issues at home wiht the new husband--your not my father, your not my boss, I dont have to listen to you type things. The doctor--who happens to be very well known in the Pediatric Circles --did a popular Pottie Training Video etc) said somethign that surprised me---do not expect the new spouse to have any mor authority than a babysitter for the first 18 months. When you leave the house and the new spouse in charge, it should be a public announcement--so and so is in charge now while I am gone and to the spouse, if there are any problems, here is where I will be. I thought this very interesting and for what it is worth Link to post Share on other sites
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