My husband VS My daughter Vs Me

[NatDiggy]

I have an 11 year old daughter. I recently got married and my husband (her step-father) has a major issue if her room is not clean every day. I don't feel as though it is such a big issue. I know she is not really organized and her stuff can get out of place, and I will tell her to clean her room. He feels as though I should do more, like spanking or punishment.

 

She makes good grades in school (As, Bs, Cs). And overall she is a good kid. Right now she has a problem with me, when I tell her to do things. She immediately will get an attitude and tell me I don't love her.

 

The one good thing out of this is that they get along great. They love each other and hang out, and sometimes gang up on me. Howver, I feel like I don't know which way to go. I don't want my daughter to think I hate her, and at the same time I don't want my husband to think I can't raise my child. This causes problems too because he feels I don't have a backbone to be the disciplinarian, and thus he doesn't want any children and I do.

 

Any advice I get back would be much appreciated.

[murasaki]

Hi,

 

I think you need to have avery straightfoward, no tip-toeing conversation with your new husband. To be honest I'm a little puzzled as to why you and he didn't have such a conversation before you got married, but that's beside the point.

 

At issue: how your daughter is being raised. What are the rules? How are they to be enforced? Who enforces them? You and your husband need to reach an understanding about this. I don't think it's fair that he should have no say in the upbringing of a child with whom he lives (and perhaps helps to support?). In marrying him, you have brought him into your family, and as an adult family member it seems like he should have some kind of a voice about how minors are dealt with.

 

I'm not saying that his opinions should become the law of the house. But you and he need to get on the same page re discipline and other issues. Explain to him why you don't think her room must be as neat as a pin, provided she gives it a good cleaning every week (or whatever). And listen to what he says -- maybe he's just going on the way he was raised by his parents, or maybe he's got some well-thought-out reasons for thinking that children her age need to be neat every day. Have the conversation(s) at a time when the hot-button issues aren't active, so that you can both discuss it calmly and as objectively as possible.

 

Your husband was surely aware of how you were raising your daughter, so this stuff shouldn't be too surprising to him. I don't think it's reasonable for him to assume that now that he's in the family his way should dominate. But neither do I think it's reasonable to ask him to just shut up and put up since he's not your daughter's father. You two need to reach some agreements you can both live with.

 

As for your daughter, it kind of sounds like she needs some reassurance about where she is in terms of your priorities. I expect that re-marriages aren't easy for kids, even under the best circumstances. Kids can have some nebulous and seemingly irrational fears about their relationships with loved ones, and your daughter probably needs some extra attention and help in getting to a place where she's comfortable with the new home situation.

 

Until you and your husband can reach some consensus about how to raise your daughter, and until your daughter is reassured that you still love her just as much as before you married your husband, having another child is probably not a very good idea.

[Matilda]

I am in a somewhat similar situation. I have an 11yo daughter, my husband is step-parent to her, and we also have 2 other children. I agree you and your husband need to have some frank conversations, and figure out how this is going to work. Usually, the bio parent is the one responsible for discipline, and the step-parent steps in when the bio parent is not there, and of course says what he is willing and not willing to live with.

 

My husband has been in my daughter's life since she was a toddler. My husband and I had another child when my daugher was about 6. And although, my husband and daughter were close before the bio kid came along, it definitely put a big strain on their relationship. My husband, even though he is not trying to, treats my daughter differently than he does his bio kids. This is an issue we all are still working on. So, I would definitely not add more kids into this situation, until you have a firmer foundation between the 3 of you.

 

I agree, that it sounds like your daughter is feeling insecure. Plus, like my daughter she is probably on the verge of puberty. I think she is definitely going to need a lot of attention, and reassurance that she is very important to you.

 

This is a link to a good article about some of the inherent differences between bio parents and step-parents. The bonus families site as a whole is a good resource for blended families.

http://www.bonusfamilies.com/modules.php?name=BonusBio&func=show&articleid=179&articlepage=1