mustangirl Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 My boyfriend and I just build a new house and moved in in January. As soon as that happened, he let his 20 yr old daughter move in with us. Now she moved from NY to NC to "get away from her boyfriend and partying way" and go to school. I'm not crazy about our semi-adult kids living with us but I agreed to this because I was all for her to straighten out her life and get some education. She did attend school 1 semester, got a 3.0 but am now finding out she didn't go to school much and goes out drinking every night. Her father is totally sticking his head in the sand where she's concerned. When he does ask her questions, she will tell him the most outrageous lie (basically, what he wants to hear). Many nights, she'll wait until he falls asleep and leave, coming in at 6 a.m. or says she's staying over at her girlfriend, who is 28 and also lives at home (what losers). All they do is get drink and whore around. I keep telling him to open his eyes and kick her out. He won't ask for her to pay for anything, and even though she has a waitress job and does get good tips, she spends it all on nonsense and booze. Whenever I get on his case to be a parent, he gets very defensive and angry and says it's none of my business. How should I handle this. P.S. The house is in my name as well as his. Link to post Share on other sites
zoomer Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 Have you tried locking her out of the house on one of her "nights out" when dad has his head in the sand??? She would then have to wake him up...I would ignore the bell.....let him see her in her condition, and answer the door or she would have to sleep elsewhere, if he doesn't hear the bell. Sticking your head in the sand when it comes to children (even adult children) is not helping them, that hurts them most times. Putting her out would be quite the eye opener to the real world but doesn't sound like her father would comply. I would probably have to set ground rules with him and her since he is allowing her behavior (have a sit down ...all together) and stick to the rules. Expressing that you should receive, above all, common courtsey and respect or else the relationship will suffer. I feel for you because step-children are absolutely the hardest to raise (not that they are bad....it's a constant struggle between all involved)and just when you think you shouldn't have to raise one....you've got an adult step-child returning and spinning your world out of control. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
capitald Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 20 is a baby in this day and age. The economy is too ladened to deal with her yet and give her a satisfactory position, its not her turn. If she is getting by in school you really can't ask for much more than that at this point. She may just not like school that much, not everyone does. At least she is getting the partying out of her early, I waited till much later which wasn't so smart, which is not to say that I regret anything. If her dad says its his problem don't worry about it then respect that. Maybe she wants to be promiscius. The more you try and control people the more they will disobey you. Maybe you can tell her father that you are concerned about her and that he should have a talk with her about safe sex. Thats your only real move at this point. In any case, can the real problem be that they gang up on you sometimes and make you swallow the crap? Link to post Share on other sites
zoomer Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 20 is a baby BUT....Old enough to Have babies....and old enough to have a job, old enough to be living on her own, and above all that.....respect others, especially her parents! Economy has lots of 20 year olds in it working and surviving just like we all had to at one point. in this day and age...you have many, many more concerns regarding promiscuous behavior other than the lack of self respect. I think we all know about these concerns. Doesn't sound like she's "getting by" in school. The GPA was that in the semester she ATTENDED. She's apparently not attending now. Wonder who is paying for this college? If her dad says its his problem don't worry about it then respect that. OMG are you serious? Respect Her and this unruly behavior in your own home, that you are paying for and she contributes nothing?? I don't think so...that shoe should be on the other foot...SHE should show a little respect to her father and his mate....the one that's on the mortgage! The more you try and control people the more they will disobey you. Maybe you can tell her father that you are concerned about her and that he should have a talk with her about safe sex. True statement...however if she can't abide by rules....or won't...it's time to go. She's not a teenager. your only real move at this point. You own the house, this is not your daughter (therefore you should have no say in her behavior), and deal with it??? NO WAY Link to post Share on other sites
zoomer Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 she moved from NY to NC to "get away from her boyfriend and partying way" and go to school. Not to get away from....sounds to me like she just wanted monetary support for this partying. I agreed to this because I was all for her to straighten out her life and get some education. Which was very noble of you and she has taken advantage of you and her father and has total lack of respect. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like she wants to straighten her life out. Who's idea was this? Hers or her fathers? I would bet on her because if dad wanted her to straighten her life out and get away from the partying...he would be putting his foot down instead of his head in the sand. Link to post Share on other sites
capitald Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 And what of this point that you have neglected zoomer? "In any case, can the real problem be that they gang up on you sometimes and make you swallow the crap?" Do you not see that in any household there is an emotional sewer system that must be acknowledged and dealt with or do you just not see that? Link to post Share on other sites
zoomer Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 I see that...just that I don't think she should ignore or have no say...and comply with spouse and his daughter. I couldn't do that. It's my house too. It should be addressed all together and dealt with. Link to post Share on other sites
capitald Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 Should is a very dangerous word. Having a family that communicates on a regular basis in more than a dysfunctional way, I would like to see that. It usually turns out that most people are afraid to speak intimately with their family about problems that will naturally arise until it reaches the watermark and it turns into a big drama. I was just dating a girl that my mother didn't trust but I think she was so afraid of being close to me that she didn't tell me how she felt. In this super-repressed society I am not sure what our chances are. Link to post Share on other sites
zoomer Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 Whew! Well, in this family we all communicate...not always a pleasure...but we communicate our thoughts and feelings. Not that we all agree! If you can't do that or don't...you are definitely heading to the dysfunctional line of families. Unfortunate when people (especially family) can't communicate their thoughts and feelings. Speak your mind...just be calm, polite, respectful and be open to responses. Link to post Share on other sites
shortbus74 Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 I lived at home until I was 23 years old.. I was expected to pay rent each month ($100) and I had to pay any long distance calls that I made. I was also expected to pick up things that my mom needed on my way home from work (milk, eggs, bread, ect...ect) A huge difference is that I am very close to both my mom and dad. If my dad had his way my sister and I would still be living at home. (she is 25 and I am 30) It is always difficult when kids are involved in a relationship..... You see the situation one way and your honey sees it another way and it is always hard to not overstep the "unspoken boundaries" Trust me on this matter she will either sink or swim... If she is not dedicated to turning her life around she will mess it up... Its hard to take a back seat to this situation but eventually the honey will see what is going on.. Good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 IMO she should be greatful that she does have a place to stay without paying for it, therefore, have more respect for her dad and stepmom. 20 is a baby BUT....Old enough to Have babies....and old enough to have a job, old enough to be living on her own, and above all that.....respect others, especially her parents! Economy has lots of 20 year olds in it working and surviving just like we all had to at one point. Holding down a job and living on your own at 20 is not that difficult, provided that the person can be responsible. I had bought a house at 20, had a full time job, marriage....but at the same time, I was too young for all of that. Ended up divorcing at 21, lost the house, etc. Now that I am 25, which isn't that much older, I'm remarried, have a wonderful job, husband, daughter.....but I realize now that I would of been smarter to start off renting, not getting married, etc....but I know I could do it still. 20 is a baby in this day and age. The economy is too ladened to deal with her yet and give her a satisfactory position, its not her turn. If she is getting by in school you really can't ask for much more than that at this point. I'm sorry but I do not agree. No, I didn't go to college but I did land a job in the hotel industry at 18 and worked my way up to management from front desk by the time I was 21. Have you tried locking her out of the house on one of her "nights out" when dad has his head in the sand??? She would then have to wake him up...I would ignore the bell.....let him see her in her condition, and answer the door Good Idea! Then her dad would see proof. He won't ask for her to pay for anything, and even though she has a waitress job and does get good tips, she spends it all on nonsense and booze. How is she ever going to learn then? A good example....my sister is 20 and I am 25. I had to learn at age 18 how to take care of a house because my family made me pay my own bills, then I lived with an aunt who was a truck driver, only home for 4 days a month, so I would pay utilities, rent, gas, food, etc and had to LEARN how to budget. My sister has always been sheltered (not her fault) but she has not had to learn how to budget for life's neccessities....and at her age, she doesn't know how to do it! She's trying to move out on her own and has been asking me for advise....but the difference is that at her age I OWNED a home. Of course I tell my sis not a good idea to do that right away, but if she can learn from my mistakes in life it's worth it. Bottom line....DEMAND some form of respect or kick her out. My opinion.. Link to post Share on other sites
lnichols Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 I'm afraid that the same thing will happen to me! My husband has grown kids and I live in fear that they will turn up on the doorstep. I think that there should have been some firm rules from the get-go. If all three of you had been on the same page from the beginning, then some of this could have been avoided. Now you are stuck until your husband is willing to see what a bum his little girl has turned out to be. You are in a holding pattern. My only advice is to stand back and wait until our husband gets a bellyful. Then avoid saying "I told you so!". The more you complain, the more he will take her side. Link to post Share on other sites
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