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17 year old daughter....hardest years yet


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I need advice from two camps. Experienced parents of 17 year olds. And probably recent 17 year olds. Actually, I will take advice from anyone willing to give it .

 

I single parent my daughter. I adore her of course. I am blessed to be witness to all of the energy, passion, and fearlessness that IS 17. Its an amazing , breathing thing, and it gives me new life myself.

 

My kid is a good person. Being a single mom for most of her life, sometimes our relationship is too friendly, that's what happens.

 

She put gauges in here ears, small ones and I hated but accepted them because she said she would only go so big. We'll, a year later they are pretty big and she had successfully hidden them from me until the other day. I freaked right out.

 

I have made this my hill to die on apparently.

 

I have to finish later, I'm in tears.

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I have made this my hill to die on apparently.

 

With all due respect, I think it is a pretty silly hill to die on....

 

She could be strung out on drugs. Or pregnant. Or cutting.

 

These things are reversible and if/when she chooses to do so, a decent plastic surgeon can snip and re-sew the earlobes.

 

It is just an aesthetic - not a state of mind...

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My 14yo boy has been doing the same for the past 2 years, despite all my protests! I eventually just ignored his hidious ears, because everywhere we went people told him what a fool he looked like with his ears like that.Then all of a sudden one day a couple of weeks ago HE decided they looked silly (may have had female influence there?), took them out and although they've scarred they have closed up again.

Hang in there! Things could be way worse!

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With all due respect, I think it is a pretty silly hill to die on....

 

She could be strung out on drugs. Or pregnant. Or cutting.

 

These things are reversible and if/when she chooses to do so, a decent plastic surgeon can snip and re-sew the earlobes.

 

It is just an aesthetic - not a state of mind...

 

I know, and thank you for offering your common sense. It could be much worse, and I'm thankful it isn't. I'm just so insulted that she lied to me, that she deceived me. I'm her mother, she has me for a limited amount of time, why on earth lie to your advocate? I know, she is 17.

 

And I know I can have them repaired. Just like her teeth which were 10 grand or her skin, 5 grand. Im not complaining about that but I do resent having to fix something that didn't need fixing.

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I know, and thank you for offering your common sense. It could be much worse, and I'm thankful it isn't. I'm just so insulted that she lied to me, that she deceived me. I'm her mother, she has me for a limited amount of time, why on earth lie to your advocate? I know, she is 17.

 

And I know I can have them repaired. Just like her teeth which were 10 grand or her skin, 5 grand. Im not complaining about that but I do resent having to fix something that didn't need fixing.

 

She'll probably be an adult by the time she changes her mind. It'll be her responsibility to pay for the repairs. Of course you can help her if you choose, but you shouldn't if you resent it. She can do it.

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And I'm afraid its even worse . We were both so angry she said she was going to her dads. Now, he lives near by but is not a " participating " parent. He took this as his chance to play hero, which is fine. But I feel like now that we live near him, I can't have her picking between the two places at every argument...

 

So I told her youre going to have to stay the week if you leave tonight.

He is going to have drive her to school and back, all of her activities and appointments, and work. I'm positive he won't but they will have to put up or shut up. I'm not happy.

 

I need advice, I'm on my own here and not entirely sure how I'm supposed to handle this.

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Take a breath, give it a night, and revisit the problem tomorrow.

 

When cooler heads prevail, explain what made you so upset. If that was anger about the deception, or fear about her altering her body, just name the root cause. Tell her that you are concerned about her leaving when you argue, but acknowledge that it was also healthy for her to "take a break" from the argument when it got too heated. Maybe ask for her ideas of ways each of you could call a "time out" without actually leaving the home.

 

I wouldn't punish her by making her stay with Dad for a week. I'd only require a good, productive discussion that ends on a positive note before dropping the issue. Model the behavior you want.

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"Model the behavior you want "

 

My new mantra. Thanks for that.

 

That is my parenting mantra. It has served me well! (even if I often fall short....)

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Here's what teenage girls need: acceptance, to be heard, to be able to argue their case for what they want, to be told there will be consequences if A, B, or C is done. They need to know you will NEVER hate them, although you may hate what they DO. They need to know you won't criticize them, although you may give them reasons why what they DO is not to be admired. They need to know you expect a LOT from them, and that you expect them to work their butt off to accomplish it...because they CAN. They need to know you will always tell them the truth and you expect the same from them (a great place to enact one of those boundary/consequence things - if you lie, then you lose XYZ privilege).

 

Stay calm, explain the boundaries/consequences, and tell her that it's her choice to do whatever, but when she does, she can expect the appropriate consequence - so it's her choice whether she wants to 'pay the fine.'

 

And avoid ultimatums (if you go over there, you have to stay there) - rise above that, be the smarter parent.

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IfWishesWereHorses

Bless your heart! I'm 7 years out and I promise you both will live trough it. I didn't have the father issues as we have stood firm on the important issues. I have friends who kids played back and forth and it took years for those kids to get it together. I think it's important for you and dad to stand firm on the important things but if this is your ex we're talking about then he's probably not going to miss the chance to suck up and be the great guy.

 

I've dealt with the gauging, piercing, wanting tattoos, with a VERY head strong kid. We live in a southern town where it is not accepted in the circles she grew up in. She rebelled, I through fits, and ultimately, I found something she needed and offered it to her in exchange. I've done this on three occasions, the first time was by accident, we had to buy the second car and we had a one car, one college, one wedding and in that order agreement. As I'm handing her the keys to the car I became aware of the tongue ring she had put in the week before, so I made a stipulation! The last was a 4WD we were getting rid of and she wanted to buy from us, stop smoking and it's yours!

 

I realize that bribing our kids isn't going to earn us a parent of the year award and we don't over use it, but it sure does make things easier and over with with out a fight!

 

She's 25 now, just bought her first house, is smart, determined, responsible, crazy work ethic and remembers everything we taught her! She asked me yesterday when would she "feel" grown up. I said when you write that mortgage check or yu can do what ever you please because your parents no longer can tell you what to do since you are self sufficient! She replied, but you still tell me what to do and I do it, y'all haven't been wrong yet! I had a major moment right then. :p

 

I know it's hard, but my mother's friends (she had passed) swore to me that I deserved every bit of the hell she put me through, but she would come back around! And she did, and most do as long as that relationship was there to begin with. So it will end but it will be hell for a while.

 

I've always said, I'd rather have 5 boys than one girl because my boy has been so easy! So just when life was looking up, a 14 year old niece ends up moving into my DDs bedroom a year ago, so I'm living it again now! (this time with the cutting, emo stuff, and psychological damage neglected and abused kids have)

 

Your daughter will figure it out and be fine, I know it doesn't feel like it right now. She's been taught well and she knows good and well you love her.

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ImperfectionisBeauty

Didn't she have to get your permission to do it? Why did you give it

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Girls are hard to raise. I can only second what has been said already. Be calm, whilst showing that you are displeased but ALWAYS concerned for them. Girls can really test their mothers and it's not even funny how riled up they can get you, lol.

 

The worst thing my eldest did was cut off all her beautiful hair. It still has not grown back properly. I have not paid for extensions to help her regrow it, she can sort that out herself - her decision. It is important that they learn by their errors, otherwise they can deliberately over rely on you and it can become a pattern that is hard to break free from. A couple of my friends actually had breakdowns from worrying about their daughters.

 

Care but don't take things personally. I am sure you raised her well. Be strong yourself - they tend to follow suit once they know that what they do really is down to them to live with. Harsh but a necessary learning experience. But yes, I understand the tears of disappointment.

 

I wish I had had boys.

 

BTW, if her Dad uses this as a way to suck up to her, I would make sure to tell him about himself - but that's me talking harsh. I would not tolerate that at all. :mad:

 

Take care,

Eve x

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She lied to you because you, as her mother, would have tried everything you could to keep her from.being her own person, and instead the person you want her to be. She's 17... . Let her have her gauged ears.

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Good piece of advice:

 

"In matters of Taste, swim with the current.

In matters of Principle, stand like a Rock."

 

Insofar as the ear rings are concerned (taste), try not to let them affect you too much.

The Principle of the matter is her deception.

It was wilful and deliberate.

 

That's your main issue.

 

I too, like xxoo's mantra......

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Thank you all. I cant tell you how upset I am - just about the entire thing. Way more about the deception - because it was so planned.

Im shocked & hurt that she chose the easier path to deceive me instead of A) Taking my advice B) Doing it against my wishes anyway but telling me outright.

 

She spent the night at her dads last night. I know she made it to school today because her friend confirmed this.

She left her phone at home with me , in some kind of act of independence or defiance.

 

The gauges, since she did agree to compromise and go down to a size more easily correctable, are fine.

 

Now I just want her home. But I also know I have to stand my ground. I do right? It is soo much easier to say Yes than No.

 

With her dad - He and his situation is such that I cannot have her going back and forth between us. First, because she cannot run away from conflict, consequences, or life. Akso because - he would just let her quit school entirely rather than get up in the morning to drive her every day. Im serious.

 

This is the odd week that Im actually working outside my home office and Im heartsick. I love her so much.

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ImperfectionisBeauty
No, look it up.

 

She is 17 right?

The piercers I have been to wouldn't work on anyone under 18 without parent consent.

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She is 17 right?

The piercers I have been to wouldn't work on anyone under 18 without parent consent.

 

She has had her ears pierced since she was 13 , there is no issue with that.

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Thank you all. I cant tell you how upset I am - just about the entire thing. Way more about the deception - because it was so planned.

Im shocked & hurt that she chose the easier path to deceive me instead of A) Taking my advice B) Doing it against my wishes anyway but telling me outright.

 

She spent the night at her dads last night. I know she made it to school today because her friend confirmed this.

She left her phone at home with me , in some kind of act of independence or defiance.

 

The gauges, since she did agree to compromise and go down to a size more easily correctable, are fine.

 

Now I just want her home. But I also know I have to stand my ground. I do right? It is soo much easier to say Yes than No.

 

With her dad - He and his situation is such that I cannot have her going back and forth between us. First, because she cannot run away from conflict, consequences, or life. Akso because - he would just let her quit school entirely rather than get up in the morning to drive her every day. Im serious.

 

This is the odd week that Im actually working outside my home office and Im heartsick. I love her so much.

 

If I were you I would call her and say that you feel it is important to clear the air and offer to take her out to lunch. Tell her that you want her to really think hard about what she is going to say as you have been very upset but need to know that this is not a symptom of something more serious; inappropriate friendships etc.

 

That's how I dealt with my two. Worked every time. I would expect them to explain and even defend their position - but at the end of the day, my name is Mum.

 

IDK, if you don't stand up for what is right they will think you don't care.

 

My older friends tell me that a late rebellion and lack of rudeness to others is a sign that they have been raised well, so take comfort in that!

 

Personally I think this is the start of a greater process for the both off you and think contemplating a venue away from home to discuss things is key. When discussing things at home they tend to go back to being 14 years old (sullen) when really they are trying to be older. Time to set the scene for adult to adult dialogue methinks.

 

I am sure you can get through this :)

 

Take care,

Eve x

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I think the more you make it clear you don't want her ears all f'ed up, the more she's going to want to go bigger, bigger, BIGGER. Kids that age are all about experimenting and as a rule, whatever parents think is 'proper' is horribly uncool.

 

Let her learn about this from the school of the hard knocks. Watch how quickly they come out when a really cute boy tells her she looks 'gross' with them.

 

Way more effective than all your 'parents just don't understand' crying. Leave them be.

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amaysngrace

I don't know why you never asked to see her ears in a year. You knew she had started gauging...you just took her at her word and never bothered to check them?

 

What if they had gotten infected?

 

If anything you should have at least been on top of that. Imagine her having to hide that from you for a whole year.

 

You two need to talk.

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How ya' doing, 2sure?

 

OMG, 17 year old girls are the most difficult beings on earth. Mine turns 18 very shortly and then I will get to hear the whole, "well I'm 18 and a legal adult...cr@p!" :)

 

I know it is difficult but I would try to ignore what she has done to her earlobes as much as possible. It is stupid, but harmless really. I understand, looking at all that youth and beauty that she possesses and wonder, how can you do that to yourself when you are so beautiful?

 

But it could be much worse. Honestly. It could.

 

You are a strong woman, 2sure and I'm willing to bet your daughter is just as strong and determined as you are. It's a good thing. She is displaying her strenth and determination at your expense at the moment.

 

Did she come back from her Dad's?

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I don't know why you never asked to see her ears in a year. You knew she had started gauging...you just took her at her word and never bothered to check them?

 

What if they had gotten infected?

 

If anything you should have at least been on top of that. Imagine her having to hide that from you for a whole year.

 

You two need to talk.

 

Oh, I know and see your point. The gauges aren't clear though, you can't see through them. Hers have this large glass circle over what is actually a smaller post....and as she went up, the the glass circle stayed the same. It was a well thought plan, getting the same design each time took effort. And I looked all the time , the change was sooo slight she was able to convince me she had not gone up. Until the other day.

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