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17 year old daughter....hardest years yet


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Old 29th April 2013, 1:16 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by ImperfectionisBeauty View Post
Didn't she have to get your permission to do it? Why did you give it
No, look it up.
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Old 29th April 2013, 1:29 PM   #17
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Thank you all. I cant tell you how upset I am - just about the entire thing. Way more about the deception - because it was so planned.
Im shocked & hurt that she chose the easier path to deceive me instead of A) Taking my advice B) Doing it against my wishes anyway but telling me outright.

She spent the night at her dads last night. I know she made it to school today because her friend confirmed this.
She left her phone at home with me , in some kind of act of independence or defiance.

The gauges, since she did agree to compromise and go down to a size more easily correctable, are fine.

Now I just want her home. But I also know I have to stand my ground. I do right? It is soo much easier to say Yes than No.

With her dad - He and his situation is such that I cannot have her going back and forth between us. First, because she cannot run away from conflict, consequences, or life. Akso because - he would just let her quit school entirely rather than get up in the morning to drive her every day. Im serious.

This is the odd week that Im actually working outside my home office and Im heartsick. I love her so much.
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Old 29th April 2013, 1:32 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by 2sure View Post
No, look it up.
She is 17 right?
The piercers I have been to wouldn't work on anyone under 18 without parent consent.
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Old 29th April 2013, 1:37 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by ImperfectionisBeauty View Post
She is 17 right?
The piercers I have been to wouldn't work on anyone under 18 without parent consent.
She has had her ears pierced since she was 13 , there is no issue with that.
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Old 29th April 2013, 2:47 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by 2sure View Post
Thank you all. I cant tell you how upset I am - just about the entire thing. Way more about the deception - because it was so planned.
Im shocked & hurt that she chose the easier path to deceive me instead of A) Taking my advice B) Doing it against my wishes anyway but telling me outright.

She spent the night at her dads last night. I know she made it to school today because her friend confirmed this.
She left her phone at home with me , in some kind of act of independence or defiance.

The gauges, since she did agree to compromise and go down to a size more easily correctable, are fine.

Now I just want her home. But I also know I have to stand my ground. I do right? It is soo much easier to say Yes than No.

With her dad - He and his situation is such that I cannot have her going back and forth between us. First, because she cannot run away from conflict, consequences, or life. Akso because - he would just let her quit school entirely rather than get up in the morning to drive her every day. Im serious.

This is the odd week that Im actually working outside my home office and Im heartsick. I love her so much.
If I were you I would call her and say that you feel it is important to clear the air and offer to take her out to lunch. Tell her that you want her to really think hard about what she is going to say as you have been very upset but need to know that this is not a symptom of something more serious; inappropriate friendships etc.

That's how I dealt with my two. Worked every time. I would expect them to explain and even defend their position - but at the end of the day, my name is Mum.

IDK, if you don't stand up for what is right they will think you don't care.

My older friends tell me that a late rebellion and lack of rudeness to others is a sign that they have been raised well, so take comfort in that!

Personally I think this is the start of a greater process for the both off you and think contemplating a venue away from home to discuss things is key. When discussing things at home they tend to go back to being 14 years old (sullen) when really they are trying to be older. Time to set the scene for adult to adult dialogue methinks.

I am sure you can get through this

Take care,
Eve x
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Old 29th April 2013, 3:40 PM   #21
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I think the more you make it clear you don't want her ears all f'ed up, the more she's going to want to go bigger, bigger, BIGGER. Kids that age are all about experimenting and as a rule, whatever parents think is 'proper' is horribly uncool.

Let her learn about this from the school of the hard knocks. Watch how quickly they come out when a really cute boy tells her she looks 'gross' with them.

Way more effective than all your 'parents just don't understand' crying. Leave them be.
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Old 29th April 2013, 4:49 PM   #22
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I don't know why you never asked to see her ears in a year. You knew she had started gauging...you just took her at her word and never bothered to check them?

What if they had gotten infected?

If anything you should have at least been on top of that. Imagine her having to hide that from you for a whole year.

You two need to talk.
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Old 29th April 2013, 5:08 PM   #23
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How ya' doing, 2sure?

OMG, 17 year old girls are the most difficult beings on earth. Mine turns 18 very shortly and then I will get to hear the whole, "well I'm 18 and a legal adult...cr@p!"

I know it is difficult but I would try to ignore what she has done to her earlobes as much as possible. It is stupid, but harmless really. I understand, looking at all that youth and beauty that she possesses and wonder, how can you do that to yourself when you are so beautiful?

But it could be much worse. Honestly. It could.

You are a strong woman, 2sure and I'm willing to bet your daughter is just as strong and determined as you are. It's a good thing. She is displaying her strenth and determination at your expense at the moment.

Did she come back from her Dad's?
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Old 29th April 2013, 5:09 PM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amaysngrace View Post
I don't know why you never asked to see her ears in a year. You knew she had started gauging...you just took her at her word and never bothered to check them?

What if they had gotten infected?

If anything you should have at least been on top of that. Imagine her having to hide that from you for a whole year.

You two need to talk.
Oh, I know and see your point. The gauges aren't clear though, you can't see through them. Hers have this large glass circle over what is actually a smaller post....and as she went up, the the glass circle stayed the same. It was a well thought plan, getting the same design each time took effort. And I looked all the time , the change was sooo slight she was able to convince me she had not gone up. Until the other day.
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Old 29th April 2013, 5:14 PM   #25
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And yes I took her at her word. Of course I did. That's the issue. The lie.
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Old 29th April 2013, 5:18 PM   #26
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I need advice from two camps. Experienced parents of 17 year olds. And probably recent 17 year olds. Actually, I will take advice from anyone willing to give it .

I single parent my daughter. I adore her of course. I am blessed to be witness to all of the energy, passion, and fearlessness that IS 17. Its an amazing , breathing thing, and it gives me new life myself.

My kid is a good person. Being a single mom for most of her life, sometimes our relationship is too friendly, that's what happens.

She put gauges in here ears, small ones and I hated but accepted them because she said she would only go so big. We'll, a year later they are pretty big and she had successfully hidden them from me until the other day. I freaked right out.

I have made this my hill to die on apparently.

I have to finish later, I'm in tears.

I hate stretchers too, my daughter has one...its the smallest stretcher.......she got it with her lunch money i gave her.......which freaking sucks.........i am sorry it really upsets you.....the only thing you can do is voice your disagreement its there now and its there to stay..........explain to her why you hate it.......show her pictures of stretched out ears on google to let her know what its gonna look like when she gets bored of it......i have gone through the seventeen year old thing three times i have two more to go....and i am a single mum........i have a boy who got into massive trouble younger than that.....and there was nothign i could do but write letters of support....my two older girls...have had insecurity issues and abandonment issues so they were targets for dicks of guys.....enough said.....



raising teens....all i can say ....is ... take a deep breath..take another exhale..1....2.....3


you will survive.....and they will learn the hard way ....the only thing you can do is hold on to all the warmth you feel for them ...all the love....., and guide them the best you can..you have to pick your battles....let go of the small things ,to be ready for the big battles and pray .........deb
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Old 29th April 2013, 5:22 PM   #27
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I can understand your anger.
This is long-term deception.

This crosses a line, in my opinion.

What you do, I don't know; I actually see very little you CAN do:

But I think, calmly, dispassionately and precisely, you tell her you feel very hurt and aggrieved.

You have brought her up and cared for her, nurtured her and tried your level best to do right by her.
Yet she still saw fit, in spite of everything you have tried to do, to actively work, over a period of time, to wilfully deceive you.

And that is deeply hurtful.
You feel as if essentially, she has completely disrespected every principle you have, by flouting your request, and being dishonest with you.

You give a damn about her earlobes. They're hers - she has to live with them, and what happens to them is her business in the long run.

What you MOST care about, is how she has deliberately planned, over time, to be dishonest, deceitful and deliberately hurtful.

And that is something (were I in your shoes) which may be forgiveable, but it's going to be difficult to forget.

"Thank you so much.
Now I know how high your regard is for me.

Not all that high at all.
If this is gratitude, then I'm happy to go without it."
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Old 29th April 2013, 5:22 PM   #28
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I understand what you're going through completely. I think that about 17 through … um, it's not over yet (mine's almost 25) are incredibly difficult.

She is basically an adult. I know she's not, but there is probably quite a bit of her life that you're not aware of or a part of, sadly. It's normal.

My daughter happened to, and still does, really tell me a LOT of stuff that sometimes I wish I was not hearing. Because, especially when she was still a teen, it was about things that I would have given consequences for if I'd caught her - but since she told me, I felt stymied. I did not want her to shut me out.

BUT, I know that she actually KNEW this and was hedging her own bets!

My only advice - do NOT die on this hill. It's not a worthy one, trust me. It's incredibly hard to backtrack on hill standing, especially when many words have been spoken, hurt has been dealt out, and the kid is at dads to punish you.

I hate to say this, but if I were in your shoes, I would backtrack. And even, gracefully, eat some crow. I would say, "As you know, I'm horrified by those gauges and I reacted very emotionally when I saw them. But I also know it's your body, and I regret putting us both in a position where you felt the need to deceive me in order to decorate yourself the way you wished."

Or something like that.

Anecdote: I had a "secret" tattoo for many years, it's on my shoulder blade. When I was about 34 years old and a mom myself, I was wearing a tank top or something and my mother saw it for the first time. She FREAKED OUT. She screamed at me like a maniac and even clawed at it.

I think that maybe we feel, in a sense, like our children's bodies are a part of our own bodies. They are. In a way. But we have to give that up, as long as health and sanity are not being sacrificed. IMO.
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Old 29th April 2013, 5:34 PM   #29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImperfectionisBeauty View Post
She is 17 right?
The piercers I have been to wouldn't work on anyone under 18 without parent consent.


wheres theres a will theres away......my daughter is fifteen they pierced her she is four foot 7 and looks like a child..they didnt care..... in fact...my daughter told me a trainee did it.......deb
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Old 29th April 2013, 5:37 PM   #30
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I think it is ok to backtrack when you react and later regret what you said or did.
I believe that models wisdom, rather than stubbornness. We're human, and far from infallible.

You might need to spell out the option of telling you (being honest), and doing it even though you said no. Was that really an option for her? Or would she have been punished? As a 17 year old, I didn't consider that an option. I just lied!
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