tiki Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 Hi...I'm a 28 y/o single mother of a 4 year old boy. (He turns 4 in July anyway). I have been dating this wonderful guy for about 5 1/2 months and we really feel like we are in love =) He stays over when I dont have my son (due to joint custody) about 3 nights per week. He is over a lot also and he and my son seem to be getting very close. I am sooooo paranoid of my son waking up late at night and my boyfriend being there in my bedroom. Am I being silly? I lock my door and all, but still? I do kinda feel like I would have to hide my boyfriend from him if he ever woke up one night and came to the room. He has only stayed one night while my son was there, only because he had to work at 4:30 am. Am I a bad mom for letting my bf stay the night?! Please advise! Thanks =) Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 If you have some concerns about this don't give in to your bf's pressure. Tell him that you don't feel comfortable while your son is around. You may let him stay only when your son is not with you. You don't need to go through this. If he does not understand that is his own problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tiki Posted April 21, 2004 Author Share Posted April 21, 2004 I think you misunderstood, I'm worried about my son, not my boyfriend. He is in no way pressuring me. My question was am I a crummy mom if I let the boyfriend stay over? Link to post Share on other sites
soccorsilly Posted April 24, 2004 Share Posted April 24, 2004 I am 42 divorced and have 3 kids in the same position. Our agreement has some restrictions on that and I feel it is a good thing. Mine are close to my SO and her kids. The time we can spend the night together is rare--she has primary custody and it is difficult. I suggest that you do not allow him to stay (unless there is a valid reason--such as the work deal, etc) until there is a serious committment--engagement or marraige---5.5 months is NOT a long time in the scope of things. He should understand--and if he does not---send him on his way. There are tons of great guys out there for you and it may take some time, but.... I broke off with a GF because of this. She wanted me to stay at her place when her kids were there. She had a 15 yr old daughter, 17 yr old son, and a 12 yr old son. I just felt WRONG because we weren't married, engaged, or honestly even considering it. Her daughter does not to see me padding around her place on a Saturday morning. I felt--"what message is this telling the kids?" She said it shows them that there can be a loving relationship (ex hubby is an ass) and my counter was that you are exposing "uncommitted" sex to a psossibly active teen boy and a soon to be active teen girl--is that the right message. Tough call, but my opinion is to keep him off the overnight program until it is a LOT more serious Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted April 24, 2004 Share Posted April 24, 2004 I think you're paranoid for good reason. Not good. Link to post Share on other sites
moonshine Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 I believe that if you and this man are seriously considering any sort of future together then it is not inappropriate. If the child is already witness to intimate. close and loving gestures between you and your boyfriend (hugging, kissing etc) then i see no reason why he'd be shocked to find him sleeping next to you. Young children have no concept of "what goes on between a man and woman" and if the boy already has a relationship with this man then him sleeping over will be of no consequence. My own situation echoes yours somewhat and when i first started dating, i was firmly resolved not to let my children(3 & 7) witness ANY intimacy between myself and a male friend. I only dated one other person, before i met my current boyfriend and we have been together for a year now. We started out by keeping any contact between us neutral whilst the children were present and then slowely, as we also became more certain of our own feelings, started to introduce the element of loving gestures between us, in front of the children. Sleeping over, whilst the children were at home, started once we both felt pretty sure we had a future. The children barely even questioned it. I do insist however that my man is not naked in front of the children. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted April 27, 2004 Share Posted April 27, 2004 The only concern might be..the fact that you lock your bedroom door. If your 4 yr old got up on the night, say he had a bad dream or whatever, and wanted to be with you, it might really upset him to find that your door is locked. Also.....with your door closed, I'm assuming all night, could you really hear him if he was crying or calling for you? I can see locking your door if you and your bf are having sex...but maybe at some point, you should think about unlocking the door when you'll just be sleeping....so your son doesn't feel "left out/locked out", you know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tiki Posted April 27, 2004 Author Share Posted April 27, 2004 Thanks to ALL of you guys for the responses. I do keep a monitor on my son at all times while he is in bed. I do feel rather paranoid, I want to make sure that I am the best mother possible. Last night my boyfriend and I were sitting in bed with the door open, because I do kinda feel like 'only lock it if there's whoopee goin on'. I was leaned in toward him reading and he was leaned in toward me watching the TV. We were both laying down and fully dressed of course. I guess it kinda looked like we could have been kissing...idunno. But when my son woke up this morning, he asked me where my bf had gone and I told him home. He said I saw you and him kissing in the bed. I denied it at first, because we weren't. And then I told him that I *do* kiss him, just like I kiss you too. I was really trying to not make a big deal out of it. *By the way, we never passionately kiss in front of the kiddos....you know, tongue and all. Let me know what you guys think. Link to post Share on other sites
Embee Posted April 29, 2004 Share Posted April 29, 2004 It is nice to hear some people out there actually think about these things. I hear more stories from one or the other half of a divorced couple that their ex allows the "flavor of the month" to stay over all the time. Thank you people for being responsible. Link to post Share on other sites
ziggue Posted April 29, 2004 Share Posted April 29, 2004 I remember being paranoid over something like that when I stayed at my Ex' (boyfriend's) house overnight. He had two sons. A six and a five year old. Who I got along with pretty well. He didn't seem to mind if he left the door open but I did. That only lasted a couple of months. Everytime we would have sex I would tell him to close the door and put my clothes on straight away. After. I don't have any kids myself but I know what they are like. (I have friends who have kids). I just didn't want them to walk in on something. . It would've been embarrasing. Luckily they didn't. Once or twice they would come in because of a nightmares but luckily we were both asleep. . Link to post Share on other sites
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