My son's stepmother

[pinkroses]

My ex husband remarried last October and his new wife plays a very active role with our 9 year-old son. Because my ex has him most week days during the school year, she is involved in picking him up from school a lot, etc. I recently caught on to what was going on and brought this up with my ex, that when I am off work in time and available, I'd like to be the one to pick our son up from school, start him on his homework and see him. Then he can get him from me when he gets off work. Instead, my son has been at their house, being basically "raised" by the stepmother during that time when my ex husband is still at work, and while I'm home too, just a couple of blocks away from the school. She's playing the role that I feel I should be. As a custodial parent, I feel like I have rights over a step-parent. Well, she found out what I said and now she's taking it like a personal attack and telling my ex husband that I am not welcome in "her" home. The only "in her home" I do is to step into the entryway when I'm picking up my son. What does she expect me to do, just give up all my rights and concern over my own child? There were no agreements made about her picking him up, it's just how she and my ex worked it out.

 

Any advice on how to handle this situation? I was hoping she'd be a sensible person who would be able to see things for how they were, but she is just turning into another version of my controlling, hypercritical ex mother in law, who is also still making my life miserable. That whole family acts like they own my son and they are unfair and cruel to me. If I don't submissively give them their way all the time, they turn it on me to make me into some evil troublemaker. I'm on my own fighting this battle, have been all my son's life. My little boy has always prefered me and has come to deeply resent his dad, and doesn't like his stepmother at all. I worry about him in all of this.

[overseas2004]

I totally would not in the least be troubled by what she thinks. He is your son not hers and you have every right over her to spend time with him. I just would not care what she thinks. She is totally not a factor here.

 

Having said that I hope that you do not encourage that he dislikes his grandmother or his father. That would ultimately harm the child I think. I am sure you don't want to do that.

 

Hope you are over your break up. I read your earlier threads.... And you responded to mine.

 

Good luck

[brashgal]

I know where you coming from as my ex's gf is very involved with my yournger son to the point where I wonder if she's trying to replace me. I think as long as you know in advance what days you are off work in time so you aren't calling her at the last minute, you should be the one to pick up your son and she should just get over it. It sounds like she is getting a little too invested in the relationship and has forgotten that you are the mother.

[Arabess]

I'm not sure that her being a part of your son's life can be avoided. If the agreement is for your son to be with his Dad during the weekdays, then whoever his Dad chooses to pick up and take care of your son is his peragative. Unless she is somehow unfit or a dangerment to the child, I don't really think you have a legal leg to stand on.

 

Now, you could go back to court and 'renegotiate' where they child will go after school until his Dad comes to pick him up. However, I believe they may see this as an infringement on his Dad's choices. Staying with you after school isn't the same as living in his Dad's house experiencing all that comes with it...or that's how the courts will see it.

 

Divorce comes with a price...and this happens to be one of them.

 

I'm in a divorced situation also. My 14 year old daughter went to LIVE with the Ass and my 12 year old son won't even talk to him.

 

At least YOUR kid is normal! LOL!

[sportsloving]

Divorce and child custody often leave one parent feeling as if they are getting shafted. I wonder if this would be "such a battle" if say a babysitter was the one who was picking him up from school and starting his homework? Is it that she gets the time with him that bothers you?

 

Perhaps you and your ex can work out some agreement that if you are home, and give enough notice to both your son and your ex ... that you could spend the extra time with him? But if you have specific visitation/custody drawn out, signed and delievered... unless you can prove cause to change it, it is very unlikely without the agreement of your ex that it will change.

 

I think step~parents have an awful role to play... the boundaries are never quite clear (and no matter how hard they may try, it always seems they are stepping in pooh).

 

Your son will always have two clear parents, his mom and his dad. The way they interact with each other will play a significant role in how he grows and matures. My biggest suggestion? Try actually talking to the step~monster (oops, I mean mom) and tell her that it isn't about her at all... tell her that you would love the time with your son, and perhaps you can alternate weeks with her.

 

I also hope you never say anything that will interfer with his relationship to his father and step-mother... life is too short. Every child has the right to base his likings or dislikings of a person based on his own feelings, not those given by another.

 

Best of luck~