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Developing issues with my SO and her adult daughter.


Valley restless

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Valley restless

I'm 26, my girlfriend of almost 4 years is 36 and her daughter is 19.

 

My gf and I lived together for almost a year and a half, during this time her daughter had almost no contact with her since she had left at age 15. We had our problems, mostly financial, but we somehow managed. Less than a year ago her daughter had exhausted her dads good will and was forced to move back in with her mom and me. When i first heard that, i knew i had to make plans to move out of that place, even though my gf assured me it was still the "her and me show". We lived in a one bedroom apartment so the daughter took the living room. Sadly they both have piss poor cleaning habits and my gf has low level hoarding tendencies, so an already crowded living room became unusable fast. Bathroom became a makeup/hair disaster, the kitchen filled up with dirty dishes making the mess more than I could handle even if I took a good couple of hours to clean. I think the first day she was already laying on my side of the bed, and I wouldn't say anything because i do no parenting with her, she's just my ladies daughter. Total disaster in no time with me feeling squeezed out. The work wasn't coming and my girl and I escalated our fights, then one morning it all exploded. She insulted me like never before in our relationship and I just packed my stuff and left.

 

Thankfully I came back up to l.a and to my support system and was able to land a job, and I've been living with my parents since. I caved I'd and took her back after what she did but my parents have known her long enough to know better than myself and she was not allowed in our house least she went nuclear and insulted our whole family as she had done before. Slowly I worked to try to get her a second chance with my parents and succeeded, just in time because I had been going back down to her place to be with her on my days off but I had started taking no attitude from the daughter and every time the place was more of a mess so basically I only did it to be able to cuddle with my girl at night, because not living with her anymore was hard and I missed night time intimacy the most.

 

Anyway on one of the very first few days I was able to relax and enjoy myself with her at my place my boss sold one of his shops and had me switch to working there assisting the new owners in the transition. On the first day at my new job I was able to get my girl a job as a delivery girl. The next week, my boss asked to have her daughter be our cashier on the weekends. On her second days there one of our cooks got belligerent drunk and left me with too much work to handle and my girl who'd been dragging our problems into work all day crossed the line insulting me at work. I let them go back to my place and when I got back my room was a mess... They were getting ready to go to a club, knowing fool well I wouldn't go because I was too tired and we'd been fighting. That did it. I told her if she left to the club to take her stuff with her. My gf again exploded insulting our whole family before leaving.

 

She hasn't been back at my place obviously, and has to work here in l.a with me while living down in o.c. Her actions have literally made her have to sleep in her car at night. And now we only hang out before or after work and haven't had the chance to chill and spend time like a 4 year old couple should.

 

I'm starting to forget we were living a married life, I caved in this week and told her I wanted to come down and spend some time with her after she mentioned she missed cuddling with me so much and when I did she literally said the worst thing she could have: "I can't, my daughter would kill me, I think she's sick". Fair enough,but this is only a problem because the only livable place left in that apartment is the few feet around her bed that dont have stuff on it. ****ing tragic. They won't help themselves and they spend all day playing video games, doing nothing and smoking pot. I'm not sure what kind of relationship I have anymore and I feel done with her lack of effort towards anything.

 

What can I say that will get her to do any work for the sake of our relationship? It's almost 4 years I need to know which way things are going to go, otherwise why am I caring so much?

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yeah why are you caring so much? Doesn't seem like when push comes to shove she's considering you this much.

 

There's nothing you can say or do to make her do anything. She has to want it too. The biggest thing you can do is not communicate with her until she shows real progress. She'll never improve as long as you're there to love her to death.

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I'm 26, my girlfriend of almost 4 years is 36 and her daughter is 19.

 

My gf and I lived together for almost a year and a half, during this time her daughter had almost no contact with her since she had left at age 15. We had our problems, mostly financial, but we somehow managed. Less than a year ago her daughter had exhausted her dads good will and was forced to move back in with her mom and me. When i first heard that, i knew i had to make plans to move out of that place, even though my gf assured me it was still the "her and me show". We lived in a one bedroom apartment so the daughter took the living room. Sadly they both have piss poor cleaning habits and my gf has low level hoarding tendencies, so an already crowded living room became unusable fast. Bathroom became a makeup/hair disaster, the kitchen filled up with dirty dishes making the mess more than I could handle even if I took a good couple of hours to clean. I think the first day she was already laying on my side of the bed, and I wouldn't say anything because i do no parenting with her, she's just my ladies daughter. Total disaster in no time with me feeling squeezed out. The work wasn't coming and my girl and I escalated our fights, then one morning it all exploded. She insulted me like never before in our relationship and I just packed my stuff and left.

 

Thankfully I came back up to l.a and to my support system and was able to land a job, and I've been living with my parents since. I caved I'd and took her back after what she did but my parents have known her long enough to know better than myself and she was not allowed in our house least she went nuclear and insulted our whole family as she had done before. Slowly I worked to try to get her a second chance with my parents and succeeded, just in time because I had been going back down to her place to be with her on my days off but I had started taking no attitude from the daughter and every time the place was more of a mess so basically I only did it to be able to cuddle with my girl at night, because not living with her anymore was hard and I missed night time intimacy the most.

 

Anyway on one of the very first few days I was able to relax and enjoy myself with her at my place my boss sold one of his shops and had me switch to working there assisting the new owners in the transition. On the first day at my new job I was able to get my girl a job as a delivery girl. The next week, my boss asked to have her daughter be our cashier on the weekends. On her second days there one of our cooks got belligerent drunk and left me with too much work to handle and my girl who'd been dragging our problems into work all day crossed the line insulting me at work. I let them go back to my place and when I got back my room was a mess... They were getting ready to go to a club, knowing fool well I wouldn't go because I was too tired and we'd been fighting. That did it. I told her if she left to the club to take her stuff with her. My gf again exploded insulting our whole family before leaving.

 

She hasn't been back at my place obviously, and has to work here in l.a with me while living down in o.c. Her actions have literally made her have to sleep in her car at night. And now we only hang out before or after work and haven't had the chance to chill and spend time like a 4 year old couple should.

 

I'm starting to forget we were living a married life, I caved in this week and told her I wanted to come down and spend some time with her after she mentioned she missed cuddling with me so much and when I did she literally said the worst thing she could have: "I can't, my daughter would kill me, I think she's sick". Fair enough,but this is only a problem because the only livable place left in that apartment is the few feet around her bed that dont have stuff on it. ****ing tragic. They won't help themselves and they spend all day playing video games, doing nothing and smoking pot. I'm not sure what kind of relationship I have anymore and I feel done with her lack of effort towards anything.

 

What can I say that will get her to do any work for the sake of our relationship? It's almost 4 years I need to know which way things are going to go, otherwise why am I caring so much?

 

You're 26 seriously dating a 36 year old? I don't get it. Why aren't you in a relationship with the 19 year old? That would make more sense.

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  • 9 months later...

Well, go ahead with your follow-up and fill us in.

 

I'll tell you straight up- you're in a bad relationship, and it isn't likely to change. At the age of 36, people are usually pretty set in their ways. I can only anticipate things getting worse for you if you decide to stay.

 

You're the only one putting in an effort in the relationship, and that should tell you a lot about what your relationship means to her. She sounds like the kind of person that is going to take and take from you until you're sucked dry.

 

It seems like now is a perfect opportunity for you to get out while you're settled back at your parents place.

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I thought '4 yr old couple' was an odd turn of phrase, but it does sound as if you guys act like you're 4 sometimes!

 

It's a destructive dynamic, I really think you should pull away and be glad to be out of it. It's going to get worse.

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coffeebean201

sounds like you are doing everything you can to make this work.

 

Is it an option to get them to clean up the apartment and stop hoarding? If you do manage to succeed on this, it is going to be a constant struggle to keep the place up to standard. They know it bothers you.

 

To be honest, sounds like they are a bad influence on each other.

 

If mom isn't strong enough to stand up to this adult daughter (with your support), then you either accept them as a pair or you find someone else.

 

You can keep working with them, just keep it really even keel.

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Your girlfriend is horribly disrespectful - insulting your family at any chance she gets is absolutely disgusting behaviour. Smoking weed and clubbing with her young daughter is also alarming.

 

You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you not want your own children and family one day? Do you really want this for the rest of your life?

 

You are in a toxic relationship. This woman is not good for you.

 

Leave immediately and do not look back.

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