soccorsilly Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 Any advise? I have three kids 12, 10, 7 and I am finding more and more they are taking to lying about stupid things. And usually there are two involved--not three, but I need help on disciplining them--suggestions. Also any tips on weeding out the truth--I am scared because the two youngest (both girls) seem very adept at lying! Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 My 11 year old daughter went through this. She was hiding her homework in her bedroom in order to be able to play outside. While cleaning her room, I find all these papers stuffed behind her bed. Ugh. Next day I send a note to school asking how many assignments she has skipped total. 59. Holy wowsers. So I sat her down, asked her how school was going, what she thought about her teachers... and asked if she was able to keep up with the homework. She said things were fine, blah blah, and then I showed her the paper from the teacher. I asked if she wanted to tell me her story again or if we could start with the truth. Just got the crocodile tears, she wouldn't say much other than "I don't know" and finally I thought we had the problem fixed. Everyday after school I checked her backpack, every weekend we cleaned her room (checking for hidden homework), we worked on her projects together, blah blah, and then I get another note saying the kid is missing yet another 27 papers! I wasn't the nicest mommy that day. I sat her down, I said look Kid, I love you, but lying to me is like slapping me each and everytime and it hurts me... and for everytime you hurt me I am going to hurt your bum (never spanked, always used time~outs, holding time, grounding, losing priviledges and such). She lied one more time to me (yep same thing all over again) so I swatted her once for every year of her age. Hated doing it and I sat with her afterwards, said you lie to me again, I double the amount. Everytime you lie it will double. So far, it has been a year and she hasn't lied to me. Looking back, I realized it started with little things, and just grew. Maybe I didn't handle it to begin with, or didn't see it ... but now I ask are you lying and she says no, I don't want no 20 whacks! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 I thought I was the only one who was experiencing that until I talked to some other parents. I don't know if it's an epidemic or what!!!!! My kids are 12 and 14 and will lie like hell over nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 I think you have a very valid point Sports. Maybe we have ALL spared the rod for far too long. If I had to do it over again, I would've listened to my Mom and gave them the spankings deserved early on. Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 My mom used to spank us when we were growing up, just for the major things... but it's funny to her now, because when I was asking her advice and what to do blah blah, she said oh don't hurt the little darling! Rude! It used to be you do wrong, you get spanked... now it is if you slap your child's hand in front of a stranger... watch out for a policeman to be called. But I couldn't stand be lied to, and the other options didn't seem to work. I wanted her to know it was a MAJOR thing, and even if I don't use spanking as the one punishment ... now I will use it need be to make a strong point. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 wow..... i guess im one of these parents that just doesnot condone spanking a child..... especially for lying..... i guess when you ground a child, use times outs etc.... it needs to be followed through with from beginning to end for it to be effective.... to me IMO lying is definately not something to spank a child for.... i dunno call me a fuddy duddy.... groundings, lost privelidges and time outs when they were younger were very effective and still is with my children... but i follow through with all of it..... i guess i will always spare the rod.... have you ever tried a homework book? where a spiral notebook is sent to the school with your child evryday and the if their is homework the teacher gets the child to fill it in and then signs it when all the right information is filled.... then when the child brings it home and you check it and ensure thier homework is done sign and it send it back the following day.... it gets to be habit when you make them a lunch or send it with thier bag..... my son had to do this in grade 4 and he tried a few times saying he forgot it at school... so i solved that and called the teacher to let her know whats been happening and she made sure he sent it home signed with the list of homework he was to have complete..... its may sound like a bunch of work but its not... it only takes a few minutes to spare each day as well as it spares yoru child from getting spankings as well as unwanted frustration for you..... teachers are very much game for this idea as well because it shows you hvae taken interest in your childs school life and not hear from you after another 27 pages of missed assignments....... i know child rearing can be quite frustrating at times..... i have a 14 year old girl and an 11 year old boy..... so trust me... i know ... LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 Have you found that as a single mom you are more prone to let stuff slide because they little time you have together around a work schedule.....you don't want to spend it fussing at them? I think that's my greatest weakness and my kids have certainly taken advantage of it. I wasn't trying to thread-jack your post here Soccer.....I as adding to it. LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 im a single mother..... and depending on what the problem was to me if you make it clear what they did was wrong or unnacceptable for set the guidelines so if they do it again they know what to expect.... i dunno call me crazy but somethings arent worth sweating over..... yes i beleive in letting little things slide but only if you make them aware of what they did was wrong or not going to be tolerated.... thus far i have to say i have tremendous kids.... i really do.... they certainly arent perfect children... i still have to get after them for chores.... fighting.... etc.... but they arent unreasonable children and i lucked out that way big time.... and im not at all criticizing anyones childrearing..... i guess you find that perfect niche you know that works with your kids..... and you do it.... as a single mother my kids and i have a very good understanding thusfar with eachother... they know what my limits are and i know what theres are..... we have been thru a lot of rough patches with thier dads and mines break up etc..... but my kids dont walk all over me and i dont walk all over them..... just as an example my son is grounded this whole week for failing to call me from his friends house and checking in with me... yes im one of those motehrs who expectes my kids to check in with me... you just have to in this day and age.... he was also 2 hours late from coming home when he was supposed to but that wasnt his fault.... however him not checking in with me to let me know things were fine is not acceptable..... if i had expected him to stay the amount of time he did i really wouldnt have minded but because the parents of his friend were irresponsible i couldnt justify giving him crap for that...... now the deal is he can hang out with his friend but its done at our house..... until i see he has responsibility to check in with me... now i know that will change when he is 16 etc.... however now its this way...... hes pissed off at me... but cest la vie..... he'll know to check in next time.... Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 My mom's been rather creative in terms of punishments, but she's spanked me before. It never solved anything, it pissed me off actually. I remember when something was taken away, I understood the causal link. When she spanked me it was more like "huh?", and to make it worse she'd usually apologize later, just by the silent, passive-agressive way in which I'd react to it. Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 She has/had a homework book. The only thing wrong with it was the fact that if she had marked through a thing and then said that the homework had been completed in class or study period, I had no way of knowing if it was legit. After the 27 page incidient, her teacher would write on the assignment book if everything was actually completed... so Ash knew it wasn't just me checking, I had back up from her teacher as well. Since the lying phase and such, I haven't spanked her, and neither of her sisters have ever been spanked... so I guess I am against it as well... I do know that at the time though, I had tried everything else and just wasn't getting through to her. And as I said, this year is totally different. My girls are all good kids, they mind their manners, do their chores, and pretty much the worse thing they do is make me buy Britney Spears cds (I don't like her and think she is a poor role model, but as long as the lyrics aren't off the charts, I can deal). As far as lying, I am hoping it was a testing phase and has sense been done with. She also had a lot going on in her personal life, our divorce, moving and such... so I do take partial blame. She is also now a member of a support group at school for kids whose parents divorced, and I think that has helped her deal with feelings she wasn't able or willing to voice. I spend a lot of time with my girls, we don't have the tv going alot, we take walks, we play at the park, and we do a lot of sports (geeez wonder where they get it from). My work schedule allows for me to be home when they get home from school, so we spend as much time and weekends as we can just relating. I am going to miss that when they grow up on me. P.S. Sorry Soccorsilly if it seems I took over, I was merely trying to tell you that you were not alone in this. I don't know what will work for you, as all kids are different, but I do hope that you find something to help. Best wishes~ Link to post Share on other sites
krbshappy71 Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 Just got the crocodile tears, she wouldn't say much other than "I don't know" and finally I thought we had the problem fixed. This isn't allowed in our house. All actions require an explanation...no matter how long it takes for them to come up with it, they sit in front of me thinking until they can give me a decent one. My 10 yr old has recently taken up lying...my older daughter did the same thing at this age. They will do it until the consequences are worse than the benefits of their actions. Why do some people commit crimes and others do not? Because for some people the consequences are just not worth the crime....no matter how tempting. Keep the consequence DIRECTLY related to the action, its the only way they can put two and two together in real life. Spanking is a quick fix, use it if you want but just remember our children will get bigger and then what will you do? Spank them at age 16? Puh-lease!! It's a cop out for people who don't want to take the time to help their child learn. Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 It's a cop out for people who don't want to take the time to help their child learn. I guess you have the right to "judge" my actions with my children any way you feel necessary... but I do disagree with you. I take a lot of time to help my children learn, and if you had read my ENTIRE post you would see that spanking was a last action, and I have never spanked since. If the action is justified then I may, I can't predict futures... BUT I do know that since she hasn't lied nor have we had any similiar problem. And she is doing awesome on her report card, All A's except one B. I do not think your statement was warranted~ Link to post Share on other sites
dixiepix Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 Been there done that with the lying bit. My daughter is currently 12 and doesn't lie; as far as I can catch anymore. She got spankings for lying and was told that every time she was caught in a lie it would be worse. And by the way not telling something she knows we as her parents should know about is the same thing as lying. Haven't had a problem in about a year. She tells on her aunts and uncles for letting her stay up all night watching tv, she tells on her friends at school when they do something bad. Usually she'll ask if I'm going to call and tell their parents. Most of the time I probably should...it is amazing what 12 yr olds get into. My response to her is you need to quit hanging around with that one. Find a better friend...this one is on a dead end road. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 She tells on her aunts and uncles for letting her stay up all night watching tv But mom, they made me? Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 Originally posted by soccorsilly Any advise? I have three kids 12, 10, 7 and I am finding more and more they are taking to lying about stupid things. And usually there are two involved--not three, but I need help on disciplining them--suggestions. Also any tips on weeding out the truth--I am scared because the two youngest (both girls) seem very adept at lying! UGH! My nine year old is the perpetual liar. I can sense it, though. I question everything, and I ALWAYS catch him. He knows he will get caught, so I hope that he eventually will catch onto this, but something tells me it will only get worse when he's in his teens. My punishment for it to take away his "play room" for a substantial amount of time. This really hurts him, so that's where I kick him. Also, he HATES to write. So, he's written his fair share of "apology" letters to me for the lying, as well as letters to family members. Basically, confronting your child with the lie is the key. Being adamant that you KNOW that they are lying (because you really do know) is very important. Letting them know how disappointed you are with them is also effective. The ultimate thing is taking away certain priveleges, etc. If you restrict them from doing certain things that require you to put forth any amount of trust, revoke them from being able to do it, and explain the reason why is because they have lost your trust in them. When they prove to you that your trust can be restored, they will be allowed to do such and such. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 I don't have any children, so I won't preach, but I personally do not believe in corporal punishment. My philosophy is, "the one who hits first is the one who ran out of ideas first", and that goes for adult relationships, too. I look at my little baby niece, and then my scientific mind's eye imagines the nerve damage and burst blood vessels beneath that beautiful baby skin, caused by a heavy human hand. It's maddening. There are many ways of punishing children. Both my uncle and aunt are teachers, and they never layed a finger on their two boys. Those boys, both in high school now, are the sweetest, most polite, and mature children I've ever met, so I KNOW that it can work. Children are not dogs. Children do reason properly and know the difference between right and wrong, but it's up to US to teach them the difference. People lie because they fear the consequences of the truth. That goes for children, too. Arabess, the problem does not lie with us having spared the rod, it's with us not having the wisdom to reward honesty. We're punishing honesty by focusing on the misdeed, and not on the character that it requires to be honest and admit to it. We should teach honesty from a young age, even if it means letting some misdeeds go unpunished. There is nothing more respectable and wonderful than a person who values honesty and has been raised to cherish it. Our children are afraid of us, and that's why they would rather lie, than risk the truth. I think nothing would break my heart more than knowing that my child was afraid of me. Link to post Share on other sites
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