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Does anyone else resent their spouse for their parenting techniques?


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I am not sure exactly where to put this--whether it should be in the parenting section, family, marriage, etc. but here is my dilemma. H and I have two children, both teenagers. The oldest in particular has never been easy--headstrong, defiant, disrespectful, etc. For years, my H traveled for work so a lot of the parenting was left to me. Our son was resentful towards me for type of rules. He was a bully in many ways, although not physically (although he certainly could have been as he has always been bigger and stronger than most of his classmates). He has always been the one to push the boundaries and test the limits. When other kids his age were not allowed to watch movies (say, ones with violence) he was the one finding the only kid in the grade who was allowed to watch them and he would go to that child's house and I would later find out they had watched violent movies. That is just a small example but overall representative of the way he has progressed. We have always seen a lot of potential in him, but he always viewed us as "too strict", despite none of the other parents (except some lone renegade parent who had NO rules) letting their child do those things either. It has been a constant struggle with him and I will be honest that even when he was in mid elementary school I was completely worn out. He is smart and athletic and makes good grades, however. I have begged, pleaded with my H to be a stronger parent (he would be the one watching The Simpsons or Family Guy or at the time, Friends, with something inappropriate they would be discussing) and be completely oblivious to our son sitting there. There were many nights that I would cry myself to sleep because our son so visibly hated me. I can recall my H sitting in the other room watching TV while I would be silently sobbing in bed. Lest you think that I am a little wallflower, I am not at all. I can be very outgoing and definitely made my views VERY clear but it was that my H just thought I was being "too strict". His parents never really had any rules for him, other than forcing him to work since he was about 14, and he turned out fine so he thinks that's okay.

 

To me, it has been a culture of disrespect in our house that my H has let grow into a monster. Without going into detail, I can only say that the consequences have grown exponentially. Our children have both had brushes with the law, and are clearly out of control. It makes me sad to see my friend's children on FB and all of their achievements and the wonderful character traits they exhibit.

 

To add to all of this, my resentment at this style of parenting put a huge distance between my H and I. Three years ago I discovered he was having a year long A. We have worked through that mostly, but as I said, the teenagers and thier behavior serve as a constant reminder to me as to how much I resent my H. I feel like he stole a huge thing from me--my ability to enjoy our children and to have a respectful household with children whose qualities I am proud of. It sounds like my H is a terrible person and he's not. He never speaks a bad word about anyone, is kind to everyone he meets, works very hard at his job (he is in a very high powered role).

 

On the other hand, our children will be graduating soon and although we will always be parents, this phase of our life will soon be over. I am actually starting to see some maturity and calming down of our oldest and am hoping there is light at the end of the tunnel. Last night though as we were on a walk, I realized that my H's best quality, never been judgmental and always being "kind" (ha, not during his affair, etc. but you get my drift) is actually the thing that I resent about him, too. He never stood up for me as a parent and he was too "weak" with our kids. It is such a dominant feature in our lives that I don't know if I can forgive it. Has anyone else resented their spouse's parenting style so much that they got divorced?

 

Please don't lecture about the cheating, etc. We are over that and have moved past it. The root of so much of this all goes back to this core issue. Just wondering if I am the only one that feels this way..thanks

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I don't know anyone who's divorced because of a difference in parenting style, although I do know couples who have had this problem in their marriage. This difference creates disrespect for both parents by the children. They don't respect the uninvolved parent because he never sets any rules, and they don't respect the one who tries to dicipline, because the other parent does not back up that parent and shows no respect for that parent's efforts to discipline. It's pretty tough being the only real parent in the household. Your husband is more or less a roomate who has checked out of the parenting role and checked out of the marriage. It sounds to me like you need to get some marriage counseling to help you to both be on the same page with the disciplining and the parenting, as well as to improve your relationship with your husband. You need someone on your side about this, and a marriage counselor will fill that role and help you to get more support from your husband.

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Thank you, Kathy. I agree with the counseling part. As far as hom checking out of the marriage, that is not the case at all. In fact, if anything, there is probably a bit of a codependent relationship there. He is constantly seeking validation from me and reassurance that I love him. Almost to the point that it is smothering. The problem is he would rather spend time with me than just be him and the guys, which would be so great if he was a mentoring type. The fact is that it has made me love him less. I know there are worse parents--he could be an alcoholic or abusive or something but I just resent the hell out of him

for not ever stepping up to the plate. Almost every argument we have ever had has been about this. In the last few years, he does try to take more of a stand but I honestly feel like its just too little too late.

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Thank you, Kathy. I agree with the counseling part. As far as hom checking out of the marriage, that is not the case at all. In fact, if anything, there is probably a bit of a codependent relationship there. He is constantly seeking validation from me and reassurance that I love him. Almost to the point that it is smothering. The problem is he would rather spend time with me than just be him and the guys, which would be so great if he was a mentoring type. The fact is that it has made me love him less. I know there are worse parents--he could be an alcoholic or abusive or something but I just resent the hell out of him

for not ever stepping up to the plate. Almost every argument we have ever had has been about this. In the last few years, he does try to take more of a stand but I honestly feel like its just too little too late.

It's not too late to seek counseling. I know a couple who sought counseling for this very issue--difference in parenting/disciplining, when their children were teenagers and the counselor did a lot of good in setting the husband straight on this and backing up the wife. It's worth a try. If you are resenting your husband for this, it is negatively affecting your marriage and your relationship with him in addition to affecting your children. Don't let this go. This needs to be corrected. Tell your husband you feel you need to get some help from a professional to get some parenting advice, and ask him to go with you. Don't let this slide. It is negatively affecting your children and your marriage.

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Your kids are not out of control because of something they saw on TV or in a movie. That only has potential to influence an already existing psychosis.

 

Your kids are out of control because your husband has had little regard for your preferences in parenting, your feelings, your position in the relationship. You ask for something to happen and he acts like you said nothing. You and he make agreements and he doesn't live up to them. Of course the kids are going to grow up doing the same.

 

Kids listen and respect people when they've grown up in an environment where people listened and respected each other. If it isn't happening around them, it isn't going to spontaneously manifest in their behavior.

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UpwardForward

I would be more resentful of a spouse who was abusive during child rearing.

 

My H was kind and laid back as well. I was the disiplinarian. But then I was also allowed to be the one home all day.

 

When H left me for another, my children did get out of control. I sat back in my H's big recliner and thought to myself, if H was no longer a parent - and I am all alone in this, what do I do next. So during the D when H wanted to please me, I asked him for monies for gym/fitness center memberships for our sons.

 

Told my sons, you will now build up your bodies and no longer use pot or assoc w those providing it. Amazingly it worked. It built their confidence and while knowing I cared. Guess I had left them (in the spirit) during the D.

 

To this day (in their 40's) they remain extremely responsible/reliable.

 

So now that your children are adults, all I can say is to be there for them with encouragement and advice - in their job and education decisions.

 

It never ends :D

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frozensprouts

your husband sounds like he adheres to the "laid back, "let's be friends" "parenting style.

I've never found this to be all that wonderful, as I believe that, when your children are young, you have to make hard decisions and be strict ( not abusive) so that they can learn self reliance and self discipline. They may not like your decisions, but, like the saying goes...when you're under my roof, follow my rules.

At the same time, it's important to teach them kindness and compassion, and to let them know that you will be there for them if they have a problem...they can come to you.

 

my sister in law and her husband follow the parenting style your husband seems to, and their son is one obnoxious and out of control kid. He has no self control, feels entitled to everything, and is quite the little jerk.

 

family counseling , where you will be able to express your views in a respectful environment may be a good idea...your sons may also be old enough now to really listen and understand where you are coming from.

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It's not too late to sit your kids down and say "I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I realized we have done a bad job of raising you. That changes today. Starting today, we will have logical rules, and logical consequences. You will know the rules AND the consequences and, if you break the rule, you get the consequence. Dad will not be interfering in this, so don't bother trying to go over my head. These are the rules..."

 

May want to write them out on a poster board and hang it.

 

My H was the 'let's be friends' dad and I simply ignored everything he did, because I understood the psychology behind what he was doing (wanting affirmation and love from them). If I said you eat what's on your plate or you go to bed without dinner, and he would go to the cabinet to make DD a PB&J, I would politely but firmly say 'H, do NOT make that sandwich, she already knows the rule.' And he would sit back down. And she would go to bed hungry. The next night, she ate whatever I gave her.

 

Stuff like that.

 

When she was in high school, and her friends yet again bailed on her cos they were grounded, DH asked her why she was never getting in trouble like all her friends. She just shrugged and said 'why would I do something that I know is gonna get me in trouble?' She KNEW what her consequences would be. For example, I've told her since junior high that if she ever did anything to get arrested, she'd better be prepared to enjoy the jail cell, because I would NOT be bailing her out until the judge saw her case.

 

As long as the rules are consistent, they know the consequences ahead of time, AND you carry out the consequences consistently, they will start to learn; even at this late date.

 

Just remember, it's not your job to be their friend, it's your job to raise a safe, healthy, and functional adult. Cos they'll be around you a lot longer as adults than as kids. You'll hear a lot of 'I hate yous' but learn to expect it and it won't shock you so much. Today, DD21 says I'm her best friend. Because I raised her with logic and consistency. If your H is dead weight on the parenting front, so be it.

 

Now, as to whether you should divorce over it...that's a loaded question. You're not thinking of divorcing because his parenting style differed. You're thinking of it because you resent him so much for not listening to you and valuing your viewpoint. And that can be resolved in therapy. Much cheaper than a divorce. ;)

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onthefence210

I have been in the same boat...always the heavy with the kids while my husband seemed liked the pushover. Sadly now that I have two adult children, both of them know how weak he really is. They now see his flaws and one is disgusted by them and one totally takes advantage. I had to sit my kids down finally, and set some new ground rules for MY house. Told them the consequences if they should want to test me. Both of them were extremely receptive to it as they know I have nothing to lose. I had to sit my H down too, to explain how things have gotten out of control because he wouldn't support me with the follow thru. I gave him the ultimatum of working with me or he can start planning for a life without me in it. I have been planning to move out for 6 months, but after thinking about it...I'd rather stay and make my H grow up. He has that choice now so hopefully he wants me in his life more then he wants an easy way to deal with his kids. Its pure laziness that he can't follow thru on his part and fear that he'll lose their love. If he only knew that they'd love him more if he respected his wife!!!

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You said: "To me, it has been a culture of disrespect in our house that my H has let grow into a monster. Without going into detail, I can only say that the consequences have grown exponentially. "

 

This is an ongoing problem with my new Wife. It has also been a problem with her for the past two years that we dated. And yes, once they reach a certain age it's all over with. You can only count the days that they leave the nest.

 

She gives everything to her kids. The oldest one has been in and out of jail. Is a liar and a theif. He uses is mother constantly. He is grown and lives with his friends. I have already made the boundry prior to our marriage that he is NOT to ever live with us. She was OK with that but we still have occasional dissagreements about him. He not only uses his mother but anybody in his life. Especially his own family which includes his brother. And on top of that he is constantly dissrespecful and acts like a thug and a baddas. The reality is he cant even support himself and cant keep a job if his life depended on it.

 

They way I deal with it is simple: That he is NOT my problem. I do not deal with him at all. When it gets to the point that he interferes in my relationship with his mother I then step in and put my foot down. He hates it when I do this. Last time he was a drama queen was on the day of our wedding two weeks ago. I told him to take his BS outside and that today was about his Mom, not some other family drama BS. The entire side of her family is like this for some reason. They even admit it. They are totally bored unless there is some drama created.

 

I feel for you because I know exactly what you are dealing with. It's simply a matter of him not laying down the law and sticking to boundries. My wife tends to let her kids get away with things and she really has no concept of discipline at all. She may yell at her Sons but she gives absolutely no consequences for their bad behavior so they continue to do it. Since her 14 year old will be with us for the next five years this WILL change. As he will not turn out to be like his older brother if I can help it.

 

I expect her to discipline her kid. If that fails then it's my house, my rules and as a last resort I will make arrangements for him to live with his loser deadbeat dad if things get out of our control. He might as well because his daddy has yet to make a child support payment after almost a year of divorce.

 

I also have always been the heavy hand when it came to kids. My Son (now grown) was raised right by me and he is a good man now. But looking back my XW used to make me out to be the bad guy any time I disciplined him and most often she would not back me up and made me look weak in my Sons eyes.

 

I am the same way with her two boys. And sometimes they think of me as an azzhole. That's fine by me. It means Im doing my job. Her oldest is a lost cause and his brain is so fried from drugs that he really has no footing in reality. Everything is always about him and what he wants. i.e. he would drop his nasty ass laundry off at my home and tell his mother to wash it for him while he parties with some crackhead. I nipped this in the bud when I told him that each time he does this he will have to pay me for the use of my washer and dryer etc. I think he got the message.

 

I wish you luck. And wish me luck as well. I love this woman and am ready to tackle some of her issues but it takes two to make things work.

In your case sadly I have to say that some men marry thinking they are getting a live in nanny to deal with the child problems they are not mature enough to deal with on their own. I hope you work it out with him.

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g450, don't you think it's interesting that you married the same woman again?

 

Point taken.

 

Trust me on this, this is not something I have not put thought into but you are wrong on one point. Other that her kids she is a total opposit of my last wife. The thing is, her kids will be gone soon. One will join the service in July and the youngest will graduate in another four years. I can deal with that. So this is a temporary issue. The oldest is a non issue because he doesnt live with us.

 

Other than this issue everything else is good with us. No marriage is perfect. If anything that is the one thing I have learned.

 

In a perfect world I never would have divorced. And even then I would have preferred to date and marry a girl with no kids or grown kids. But life is not perfect. I am happy with my decision however.

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(he would be the one watching The Simpsons or Family Guy or at the time, Friends, with something inappropriate they would be discussing) and be completely oblivious to our son sitting there.
There is NOTHING wrong with any of those shows... Especially The Simpsons FFS
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Has anyone else resented their spouse's parenting style so much that they got divorced?

 

Yes.

 

To me it was not simply parenting styles as the values behind those.

 

We had agreed not to have children which she unilaterally changed her

mind on and fell pregnant by stealth, and then spoiled the kids. I was not allowed to impose any discipline, if I attempted to impose any consequences for bad behaviour she would simply undo it all and walk all over any decisions I made in regard to the kids. She also gave them any toys or clothes or anything they wanted or even liked and we had to move to a bigger house just to accommodate all their stuff. They were the only kids I have ever known that had so many rooms just for themselves and their stuff. And she would allow them to play computer games on my work computer and infect it with viruses even though she knew that was against the rules (she worked at the same organisation) and when I put a password on it she encouraged them to try to crack it. The kids were never required to help out around the house, they were just like hotel guests and we had to pick up behind them and if I ever suggested they help out she would shout at me that I was abusing them and stealing their childhood innocence. She had hated her own growing up experience and wanted to make the kids have everything she'd wished for as a kid growing up herself and refused to see that there might be dangers in that.

 

When the kids became selfish and spoiled and arrogant she would scream at them, and at me (since it was all my fault...) that we were evil and hated her and were doing it all to be spiteful to her, but she would still not consider some kind of system of responsibility. She would just swing between spoiling and lashing out. So of course they developed problems, were insecure, struggled at school and socially, were unhappy and afraid and she refused to acknowledge any problem.

 

I met and fell in love with a woman whose values were like mine. I met and really liked her kids. I left my ex-wife and married her, and we've managed to bring some normality to my kids' lives and they're a lot better now than they were.

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