Jump to content

Parenting Styles Differ - Is this a normal father/son thing?


NewlywedGirl

Recommended Posts

I recently married a man who has a 12 year old son. I have a 11 year old son. The boys are total opposites - we've both raised our sons as single parents. Problem is - I've raised my son to have manners and morals. He treats his son more as his bachelor buddy.

 

When I first started dating my husband (who is almost 46) his house had bikini calendars and dirty magazines (not Playboy) in the bathrooms. Not hidden from his son who freely looked at these. (I had to knock on the bathroom door and ask his son - after 30 minutes - to get out of the bathroom. I could hear him flipping thru thru his dad magazines).

 

Am I crazy or is this a normal father/son thing? He lets his son watch all the American Pie movies and crap like Jay and Silent Bob. Movies that center around toilet humor and sexual perversions. He says that he's "at that age" where he's gonna look at it anyway.

 

I am not a prude by no means - I just think as a parent you shouldn't provide this sort of thing to a young boy. I do not want my son raised in this atmosphere - nor do I want to feel like my new husband and stepson are bachelor buddies.

 

I think my husband encourages his son to oogle women and think "sex". He and his son were watching "Girls Gone Wild" advertisements on tv the other night laughing and oogling the commercials. My son got angry because he thought this was wrong to do in front of me and he said he's tired of having to be around his stepbrother who does nothing to talk and think about sex with girls.

 

We haven't moved in to their house yet (we've only been married a little over a month). I can't live like this or subject my son to their "buddy" behavior. I find it uncomfortable. His son is only 12 - what's gonna happen in a couple more years - my husband start renting him porno videos?

 

I don't think this is a normal father/son relationship or is it? Do fathers encourage this in their sons? By the way my son's father passed shortly after he was born so I've raised my son alone. He's not a sissy or a soft boy - he's tough and strong but respects women and girls.

 

He thinks the sex stuff he's been subjected to isn't right - he also thinks my husband is making a fool out of me and will end up cheating on me. He wants me to get a divorce - he refuses to move into their house.

 

Any advice?

 

Also my husband is very selfish and self absorbed - I feel I made a huge mistake marrying him. I could go on and on but I want to keep this short....mainly curious as to if his relationship with his son is typical or bizarre.

 

I think he treats his son more like a fraternity brother. My son is uncomfortable with their behavior - he finds it disrespectful to me as well. He told my husband that a 46 year old father and husband shouldn't have bikini calendars hanging on the living room wall or smut magazines stashed in the bathrooms.

 

His son told my son what was in all the magazines and my son (who'd never heard of dildos) was grossed out and embarrassed. I hated the fact my 11 year old son learned about that in this manner. He asked me "Why do girls let people take pictures of them doing that?".

 

I was embarrassed and ashamed as a mother that my son was subjected to this. My husband thinks it's a guy thing and "our boys are getting to that age"......

 

Isn't 11 and 12 a bit young to see smut magazines? (these are not Playboy or Penthouse - they're the gyno exam photos with objects/girls with girls and showing intercourse with men).

 

I could see them sneaking a peek from a Playboy - but these magazines are innappropriate. I told my husband his bachelor days were over and he needed to hide or dispose of these magazines so they were not easily accessible. He just ended up throwing them away.

 

Still he's probably got another stash - which I don't care, I just don't want my son exposed to all of this - but it's already too late.

 

I don't like the fact that my husband treats his son like a drinking buddy - and I only think it will get worse as his son gets older. He's going to try and relive his bachelorhood vicariously thru his son. I wouldn't be surprised if he started him early on topless bars!

 

Anyway I just don't want my son around this. I'm afraid I made a mistake marrying this guy - we got married after 7 months of dating. I didn't wait long enough and am now miserable and unhappy. Should I just file for divorce and realize a tiger never changes his stripes?

 

We talked in depth about our parenting styles and morals. A few weeks ago he said his son could use a mother who instills values and morals. But then I call him and he and his son are watching Duece Bigelow, Male Gigelow - after my husband said he would curb his son's access to "toilet humor/trashy movies".

 

What do I do?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just to let you know, a twelve year old touching himself is not unhealthy. You can't stop him from watching toilet humor movies, you can teach him how to respond to them, but a twelve year old is going to see the movies that his friends are seeing. You may be his wife, but your not his son's mother.

 

Your son sounds like a good kid, and he'll have to live with what you married him into.

 

His son doesn't have a mother, and I frown on criticizing the parenting techniques of others. I also think a parent's first responsibility, in a situation like yours, is to their CHILD, not to their new lover/wife. That said, if he's completely incompatible with your kid, why'd you marry him? Is it too late to go back?

 

Should I just file for divorce and realize a tiger never changes his stripes?

I hate divorce, but I don't see any other option. You both have responsibilities to your children, and have no natural right to change the parenting styles of the other.

 

If you want, you could get CPS in there for the sexual exposure of the kid, but I saw Deuce Bigelow when I was eleven and I'm perfectly fine.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I see at least two major things that worry me.

 

1) The clash between your values, and those of your new husband. And I don't think it's just a "parenting" thing. It's a serious divergence. (And no, your husband's behavior is not the norm this side of the gutter.)

 

2) The fact that you allow /encourage your son to have an opinion on his stepfather's behavior that goes so far as to predict cheating and recommend divorce.

 

Looks like both you and your new husband have been forcing your young sons into inappropriately adult roles. He has a bachelor buddy, and you have a relationship counselor/confidant.

 

As far as the marriage goes...is it too late to get it annulled? This problem is so profound, and it's keeping you from even getting to square one as a new family. You can't even live in the same house! Are the reasons why you married this guy strong enough to outweigh this problem? And how on earth did this issue not appear during the courtship phase?

 

If I were you...I would seek a quick annulment, and then myself and my son into counseling so both of you can resume the proper roles. I wish you the best!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I also thought of annulment, and questioned why your son was playing psychiatrist about your relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HiDDeN PiGLeT

i think things should change or get out. i think at 12 its way too young to be flipping thru porn and being bachelor buddy with his dad. i also think you rushed into things too fast. maybe you dont have to move in yet. try living apart if you still want to stay with this man and slowly work on your differences. also a family shrink may be able to work.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well...maybe I'll play Devil's Advocate here. Truth is....I live in a military base atmosphere. ALL of our 11 year olds are BORED with pin ups and porn!! They now just play regular games online.....not even interested in the other stuff.

 

I couldn't hide my son from the world. He HAD to know there are people out there who would pick him up in a minute! My personal call was to tell both him and my 14 year old daughter that life outside the 'safe zone' was not a joke nor could they avoid it.

 

I don't know why your husband made that same personal call with his own son. Do I find it wierd? No....I find it very healthy and realistic. Sheltering a kid in this day and age...is a dis-service. There is just too many things available to them. At least make them comfortable enough with YOU.....to share when the world becomes too much for them. There is no room in this lifetime for embarassment.

 

Truthfully, my kids could cuss out any sailor......and if they couldn't.....they would be too vulnerable.

 

It all depends on your lifestyle......but in a lot of cases....sheltering your kids from the world....won't help them. It's better to teach them right from wrong feelings.......instead of right from wrong morals.

 

I hope I explained that right.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HiDDeN PiGLeT

children's work is to play and playing is children's work. ( i dont think i said that correctly) i think the kids are being exposed to certain things to early. they should be wondering what the next action toy is not who the next pin up model is.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Children usually get fired from their work when their mother is gone and their adolescence is enriched with reality.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HiDDeN PiGLeT

"enriched by reality" doesnt have to mean that their innocence have to be shattered. how long as this "enrichment" have been going on. i'm a female and my dad raised me to be tough as a boy, fight, fish and all that great stuff but not to sit around and look at any form of porn any such thing. the child is barely at puberty right now and probably is confused about whats going on with his own body. shyt the kid has probably been confused a long time ago, why compact more onto it. how bout going with the flow and handling things as the come?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by dyermaker

Children usually get fired from their work when their mother is gone and their adolescence is enriched with reality.

Ahhhh....once again....you AMAZE me Dyer! You are so absolutley correct!!!! I TOO wish my kids could have stayed within the 'Barney' world they started out in. But Divorce came....and I had to work....long hours to support them without child support....and their adolescence was cut VERY short!

 

I don't lead them into the world due to wanting to enrich them. I just have no choice but to warn them in ADVANCE that life is often not pretty. They HAVE to be aware.....in order to be somewhat safe.

 

I HATE that part of divorce.......it is so unfair to kids. They should be able to hide in a playground.....but life isn't that considerate.

 

It breaks my heart.......DAILY.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Arabess, I'm sure you're a great mother. I don't judge a parent's ability based on their situation, what life dealt them, how they raise their kids--it's about the love, and I mean that. It's quite easy for someone to look down on a parent because you don't feel like they did a good job, but it's honestly none of your %@#ing business.

 

One of the reasons I want children is because I feel there's nothing closer to perfection, to God, than an infant. A parent is handed a soul, and if you look around the world, humanity is the sum of our parents efforts.

 

In the Grand scheme of things, he may be addicted to Playboy, but he's learned important life lessons, what it's like to live in less than perfect situations, how to get along with male peers, things about sexuality a prudent mother would leave up to public education.

 

In the end, the husband's kid will get a slap in the face when it comes to what's polite or socially acceptable.

In the end, the wife's kid will get a slap in the face when it comes to dealing with less than perfect people or situations.

 

It's not about protecting your children from life's slaps in the face, it's about building their character enough to watch them RESPOND to the slaps. Some people never recover from the hardships in life, but some people do. It's not your place to judge whether either child will be equipped to handle life. You have to let them go, let them spread their wings, and see where they fly--that's when you know how good of a job you've done.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HiDDeN PiGLeT

everything starts with childhood. he may end up with a shyt load of problems because he didnt have the chance to have one. its gonna be a slap in the face and in the end he's most likely going to end up in a lot of pain and blaming his father. their relationship may come to a painful end. he's only 12. he needs to just be 12. let him be a kid i say.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's better to grow up at twelve than to not grow up at all.

 

Once again, it's easy for you to judge, to wave your magic wand and decide what the kid needs, but holding a kid to a standard of moral perfection in an immoral society doesn't do him as great of a service as you think it does.

 

I'm still a kid, and I was allowed to grow up. I feel I'm doing the right thing, but the beauty of any acheivement of maturity I may possess is that I was given the freedom to attempt it. I know that I could go back to watching power rangers and playing parcheesi in the den if I chose to, but there comes a time when a kid has to deal with the world that he's thrust into.

 

You can't control the situations that you're born into, and it's arrogant to criticize the responses of parents before the child is allowed to attempt life. You can't shield a kid from living.

 

It's a disservice to give your kid porn and give him r rated movies, just as it's a disservice to shield your kid from sexuality and cover his ears when he turns on the television--life is a disservice--and whether the kid responds to whichever disservice done to him in a positive way is YET to be seen, and IMPOSSIBLE to predict. Just because you see one disservice as morrally correct shouldn't entitle you to be a divine arbiter of human experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HiDDeN PiGLeT

i agree that there is a great deal of imperfect things in this world, but home is where they should be allowed to be a child. its suppose to be your safe haven from all the cruelties and imperfection. its better to grow up in stages than all at once, where everything is being throw at you from left and right. life isnt just one big batcholer party. life just isnt a party every day at all. he needs moral and values. he may just turn out to be the sexual offender living next door to your daughters and grand daughters and so on. sex isnt just something to throw a kid into. its something that should be taken seriously and responsibily. i'm not saying that its not to be enjoyed. but what if he grew up to think that he can just have sex (putting it nicely) with whoever he wants when ever he wants with or without permission. there are so many things that can go wrong. please dont get me wrong, i'm not saying this is what he's destined to be.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Making the home a "safe haven" is different than a "moral citadel."

 

Yes, you're certainly correct, if a kid were allowed a perfect childhood and grow up in all stages and sing songs and laugh and play that would be great. But life isn't like that, a parent has to offer what they have. You underestimate the kid's ability to cope with reality.

 

I've seen kids from broken homes mature to be great people. I've seen kids shielded their whole life grow up to be reclusive people with such an unhealthy disdain for a society that he or she looks down on that they end up not being able to function in it. It's IMPOSSIBLE for you to determine a kid's future.

 

but what if he grew up to think that he can just have sex (putting it nicely) with whoever he wants when ever he wants with or without permission.

 

Then he'd go to jail. That would be the consequence of his response to a bad childhood.

 

The point I'm trying to make is NOT that the husband's parenting is perfect, but that NEITHER extremes are very healthy, and that regardless of the childhood, a kid can respond healthily to reality. You're delusional if you think every parent is capable of doing so perfectly, no one escapes childhood unscathed. Some get over it, some don't.

 

there are so many things that can go wrong.

 

Yes. That's the nature of parenting, you have to lock the drawer with the ant poison in it, and hope the child never finds the key.

 

 

My point is not that kids shouldn't be raised well, it's that they shouldn't be afforded the chance to show you what they've learned.

 

We live in a society where failure is seen as not okay, and that's sad for the youth who will undoubtedly fail somewhere down the line.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Again...the "Barney World" is a wonderful place....but not always realistic! If a Mom can't be home because she HAS to work (and I've never bought into this one if there is a choice!!!!!!).......sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do!

 

At 9 years of age....I caught my son being "sexman15" on the internet! I didn't jump on him for it....I DID take away his internet privileges for almost a year. He was in WAY over his head....and very confused. It's MY JOB to support his fears.....not pretend the fears are not a reality.

 

This isn't 'Aunt Martha's life'.......it's a new world with lots of influences. Trying to HIDE what is BLATANT....doesn't save your kids....it only causes them confusion in an adult world with no one to talk to about it.

 

I would MUCH rather my child say "This F*CKED me up".....than to be afraid of my judgement. I can demand some sweet language....and miss the entire point with silly social morals....than to be REAL when my child needs to talk.

 

I fail in many areas....in THIS area though.....I'm a GREAT MOM! My kids don't have to honey coat their probs.....I take them as they come.....and respond on THEIR terms.

Link to post
Share on other sites
corythosaurus

Did you not know of this before you married? This sounds like there is a huge rift between your parenting styles.

 

I agree 100% with you. These boys are too young to be subjected to the images that are readily available to them. treating a 12-year-old son like a "buddy" is damaging to the boy and irresponsible.

 

You need to seriously talk with your husband about rules and limits on what these young boys are subjected to. But your husband has to be the one to lay down the law, NOT YOU. He is the one that needs to be the man and not the frat boy, but he has to do it in a manner that doesn't put the blame for the lifestyle change on you. Resentment from his son will come if the dad makes it sound like, "because we have a woman here, a new mother, we have to change....."

 

He needs to accept the fact that he is a father first, and role model second, a confidant, a mentor, a teacher, a coach, a disciplinarian, but NOT a buddy!

 

And, you really didn't know about this before the marriage?

Link to post
Share on other sites

First of all, your son (11) sounds like a very mature, wise, respectful, insightful young man. You must be so proud of him. You have raised him well, congrats to you, Mom! :)

 

The fact that he's picking up on very significant "red flags".....such as, he feels your new husband is just making a fool out of you, that he'll end up cheating on you, etc......your son is wise beyond his years. Take notice. He is right on the money. Your son has to come first, for he was there with you from day one....whereas, this large pig and his piglet son were not.

 

I am quite surprised, however, that you weren't aware of all this prior to tying the knot. Surely you spent time over at your now-husband's home? How could you have missed all this?

 

You are NOT going to ever EVER change your new husband, or his son. Don't for a minute think that you'll be able to. Their views/beliefs/blatant disrespect for WOMEN/frat-boy attitudes will not ever change. They are deeply engrained. And if you continue with this marriage, and move into that home, you will undoubtedly alienate your son and he will be miserable and disgusted and he will lose all respect for you, for not having more respect for yourself and HIM.

 

Your son will be your son forever...but the new hubby and his son, who knows, there's no guarantees there.

 

I'm just curious how you could be attracted to such a piggish, immoral man.....one whose disrespect for women couldn't have been any secret. Don't you feel you're worth more than that? You, like every woman, deserves a man who respects women and is a proper parent and ROLE MODEL to his children. This man has failed miserably as a parent. Shame on him.

 

I'm a little confused as to why you're married, but not yet living with your new husband. That's kind of weird? Is there a reason?

 

Is there any way you can get your marriage annulled? Or go back to the priest/pastor/minister you married and disclose all that you've shared here....and tell him that there's no way you will raise your boy in this kind of environment, and you want the marriage absolved.

 

Men who don't have any respect for women, who so blatantly pass that disrespect onto their own child (son), what would keep them being faithful? Maybe that's a sweeping and extreme judgment/generalization, but it doesn't sound like this guy has much class, principles or brains. You really want to spend the rest of your life with a pig like this?

 

Considering your son has very clearly expressed his dislike for the new husband and his son, I feel you have a very clear obligation and responsibility to honor your son's wishes. Yes, parents do have to have their own lives too, but this is an extreme situation which I feel is harmful to your son in many respects. You owe it to him to provide a good stable loving home that is in keeping with how he was raised.

 

So again, why the heck did you marry this sicko? How could you have not known things are the way they are?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Something which is missing entirely from this discussion is the fact that, at 11 and 12, these are not 'children' anymore. They certainly will have become interested in sex and found information on it long before. I don't know, Piglet, what you're talking about when you're talking about 'innocence' and 'childhood', but that ends much earlier these days - and certainly it's gone by 11 or 12.

 

I think it's good that the boy will always know that he can speak to his dad without embarrassment about any issue.

 

What IS inappropriate and unfair to kids is to involve them in your lives as friends rather than as children. That is the real error here.

Link to post
Share on other sites

First of all, your son (11) sounds like a very mature, wise, respectful, insightful young man. You must be so proud of him. You have raised him well, congrats to you, Mom!

 

The fact that he's picking up on very significant "red flags".....such as, he feels your new husband is just making a fool out of you, that he'll end up cheating on you, etc......your son is wise beyond his years. Take notice. He is right on the money. Your son has to come first, for he was there with you from day one....whereas, this large pig and his piglet son were not.

 

I am quite surprised, however, that you weren't aware of all this prior to tying the knot. Surely you spent time over at your now-husband's home? How could you have missed all this?

 

You are NOT going to ever EVER change your new husband, or his son. Don't for a minute think that you'll be able to. Their views/beliefs/blatant disrespect for WOMEN/frat-boy attitudes will not ever change. They are deeply engrained. And if you continue with this marriage, and move into that home, you will undoubtedly alienate your son and he will be miserable and disgusted and he will lose all respect for you, for not having more respect for yourself and HIM.

 

Your son will be your son forever...but the new hubby and his son, who knows, there's no guarantees there.

 

I'm just curious how you could be attracted to such a piggish, immoral man.....one whose disrespect for women couldn't have been any secret. Don't you feel you're worth more than that? You, like every woman, deserves a man who respects women and is a proper parent and ROLE MODEL to his children. This man has failed miserably as a parent. Shame on him.

 

I'm a little confused as to why you're married, but not yet living with your new husband. That's kind of weird? Is there a reason?

 

Is there any way you can get your marriage annulled? Or go back to the priest/pastor/minister you married and disclose all that you've shared here....and tell him that there's no way you will raise your boy in this kind of environment, and you want the marriage absolved.

 

Men who don't have any respect for women, who so blatantly pass that disrespect onto their own child (son), what would keep them being faithful? Maybe that's a sweeping and extreme judgment/generalization, but it doesn't sound like this guy has much class, principles or brains. You really want to spend the rest of your life with a pig like this?

 

Considering your son has very clearly expressed his dislike for the new husband and his son, I feel you have a very clear obligation and responsibility to honor your son's wishes. Yes, parents do have to have their own lives too, but this is an extreme situation which I feel is harmful to your son in many respects. You owe it to him to provide a good stable loving home that is in keeping with how he was raised.

 

So again, why the heck did you marry this sicko? How could you have not known things are the way they are?

Link to post
Share on other sites
HiDDeN PiGLeT

nicely put befuddled. i agree with what you said. i dont believe she was so blind to not see this before. she shouldnt let her son grow up or have to put up with such behavior. sex is a just touchy subject especially for people who wasnt brought up in such an environment where it was so out there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Is this JP13370?

 

Either way, as you know, there is a huge difference in your parenting style and your husband's. I don't personaly know anyone who is taking your husband's approach (and I am in the thick of raising kids in the same age range), so it's tempting to say that he's in a minority. But as many of the posts here have shown, there are lots of children who have been exposued to adult/sexual attitudes at quite an early age.

 

I'd say the normalcy issue is a red herring, though. There's a pretty wide range of parenting that can be considered normal and even a pretty wide range of what will be considered healthy. It's unlikely that you will find public censure of your husband here on LS.

 

But you don't need that -- public censure, that is. How your husband parents is not compatible with how you parent. This is a gap that will only grow, not get smaller, as your sons get older. Your son will either continue to feel affronted by his step-brother's attitudes and behaviors or he will adopt them. There is a slim chance he will simply be able to ignore it and carry on happily as he is, but if you are who I think you are, your son has a host of other reasons for not liking his step-dad, so I find this very unlikely.

 

You've been struggling with this problem for quite some time. I hope you can find peace soon.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Age 12 is too young to be handed porn, I mean I seaked it, but that is entirely different cause I got in trouble for it. You guys are going to have to compromise on how the children will be rasied, the kids will hopefully blend a bit, his kid will have more respect for women and your son, can lok at porn, get caught, get in trouble, that kinda thing.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with Befuddled11.

 

You should do what's right for your son, which is to not move in. If he's already this upset over it, imagine what it will do to him. I don't agree that it is out of place for him to tell you his fears about what your new husband will be like. People jump on it as that you're treating him as your psychiatrist. Please! That is ridiculous. He's your son and he's telling you his fears for himself and you. Don't let him lose respect for you by moving in with someone he rightly considers a pig who disrespects women. His opinion matters. Also, obviously your husband feels that it's not manly if he and his son don't act like pigs and ogle women. He's giving his son the message that that's the behavior he expects out of him. Do you want them to start putting your son down because they don't approve of him - don't consider him masculine? Unfortunately if you put your son in that situation he will end up blaming you for any belittling he experiences and future self esteem problems.

 

Anullment sounded like a good idea if it's possible.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I suggest you look at some of the academic studies in this area, it's such an emotive subject it's hard to be objective. From my memory of the research you are right to be concerned because of the age of the children, their susceptibility to de-sensitisation and the stage in the aquisition of their sexual identity. Not that it has a bad effect on everyone but it is a significant risk factor in the minority of people who have a sexual dysfunction. I am no good at links but if you type "studies on the effect of exposure to pornography in childhood" in a search engine you should get what you need. On the wider issue of the degree of compatability with your husband I agree with other posters that there appears to be a fairly serious problem. Only you know if it is worth trying to resolve this but, as they say, it takes two to tango - is he able to compromise?

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...