What do I tell my three year old daughter?

[Kat]

To cut a long story short, I was in a relationship which turned violent and abusive. I left it only to find out a week later I was pregnant. I tried to work it out but it only got more violent.

 

My daughter was born and 6mths later I met a wonderful man Who we have been with ever since.

 

Here lies the problem.

 

After my daughter was born her 'father' has seen her around 12 times, for no more than 2 hours each time. The last time he saw her was Sept 7th 2002. He has been taking me to court back and forth and he has started up the second court proceedings (since the first lot he started got finalised due to the fact he never turned up to court).

 

I was informed by his lawyers that he wants to see his daughter. When we were talking about the times which were available they said 'Well we are running out of time for him to see her before the next court appearance's That made me FURIOUS!!! It wasn't that he wanted to see his precious daughter, but he wanted to look good for the courts

 

I have just spend around 20mins on the phone with my mum asking if I have told my daughter about the visit (which is next Saturday). I said that I haven't and that she doesn't need to know anything more than she is going to a place where there will be lots of kids to play with (he can only see her in a supervised environment). She got on my back about how she needs to know who he is and that she will get there, he will call himself her dad and she will get upset because he isn't her 'dad' my partner is (even thought she doesn't call him dad).

 

He is wanted in this state and I plan on making the police aware of his presence and hopefully he will come and get arrested.

 

But what do I tell her? She is three, I don't think she needs to know anything about that 'thing' at all. No doubt he will be telling her things which are untrue like 'I am your daddy' and 'I missed you, your mum wouldn't let me see you'.

 

I was find with it and was going to take it as it comes, however now my mother has got me all worked up. I don't want my daughter to be hurt, to be lied to, to feel as if *I* lied to her...

 

What do I do? What do I tell her?

 

The last person I want to be hurt is my baby girl and yet all I see is her in tears because of some god awful man who feels he can come in and out of a little girls life when it suits him and tear her world upside down because he doesn't think things should be that way

[Darkangelism]

She is too young to understand fully, i would try to explain the basics, like for example im adopted and my parents told me from a young age, so ay something to the effect that he helped make you, and i wouldnt have him get arrested in front of her, cause she will remember when she is older.

[Kat]

Darkangelism - Oh I will call the police on him. I pray that the police arrest him and don't 'forget to show up'.

[brashgal]

I would also wait until the day of the visit to say something to her. This will limit questions and hopefully, your angst.

 

I'm thinking positive thoughts Kat - it certainly would solve a lot of problems if he were arrested.

[Darkangelism]

Hopefully they will, im not sure what the aussie poli system is like.

[wiseOLDman]

Kat, I feel for you and pray that all works out for you and , especially, your daughter. Something I don't understand though, as it's not real clear in your post. It seems that the "man" who is fighting to see your daughter is NOT her father. I don't know Australian law on this point but in the U.S., if the man is not her father, he has no right to see her, supervised or unsupervised. But I think this is just wishfull thinking. Where is your lawyer/solicitor if this is the case? He/she is your best avenue for assuring what's best for your child.

 

If, what you're saying is that this scum is her "father," but she only knows your current partner as her partner it becomes much more complicated. Please talk to a lawyer/solicitor. I know the costs can be exhorbinant, but this is YOUR child and you need to do whatever you can for her at this time. Document/record EVERYTHING.

 

A**holes like this guy are pure scum and the kind of cowards that I'd like to have a converastion with in a dark alley.

[Kat]

My ex is my daughter's 'father'. My current partner is my daughters 'dad'.

 

We are in the process of going to court and this visit is so it looks good for him when we go back in three weeks. I had lawyers,however they were more worried about ending the case, then working out the problems and getting it all sorted.

 

I represent myself and after four years in and out of three different courts, it seems to work in my favour that I am not represented.

 

I currently have a restraining order against her father due to past violence, threats, and abuse. My partner is covered by it as well as my ex assualted him outside the place where he goes for his visit (this happened before the visit with my daughter started, which no on there took into account).

 

He can't contact us whatsoever unless it is in regards to family law proceedings

[Clancy]

Kat, I'm sure there must be some women's organizations somewhere near you who have experiience dealing with your exact situation. You do need help in preparing your daughter to meet this man, who is her father, bad or not, and who will, if he chooses, be part of her life forever.

 

Nonetheless I believe you are right in wanting to shield your baby from distress. My advice to you is to seek out trained help. Why go it alone? My best wishes to you.

[lilmjshorty]

My father left me and my mom and 6 month old half brother (different dads-his dad split too) before i was born. I had been lied to until i was 8 years old and thought my grandparents were my parents. It screwed me up for quite a while, i was very suicidal for a long time, thinking that i didn't matter because both my mother and father left me. I though i wasn't important enough. My grandparents always held over my head the fact that they "took me" and my life would be so much worse if they hadn't. I think that was wrong in them but i do thank them for caring enough to take me since my mother hated my father so much she hated me also. Now that I'm 18 and realize that everything happens for a reason i'm ok with mostly everything but did struggle for a long time. I guess i'm just saying don't lie to her, let her know her father and that he cares. Don't lie to him to make her not like him, tell her the truth (from what i've read she'll make the decision not to like him from what he did to you) and let her make her own decisions about him. He's still her father-thats how i've always felt about my dad. No matter that he left me, he's still my father and there's always the curiosity.

[Arabess]

I'm going to tell you a really goofy story Kat.

 

When I was born, my Dad was in the military and my Mom was a Jewish German girl working at the base galley.

 

She got pregnant.....he LEFT! He came back home to the states for THREE YEARS! He did sent her money though.

 

The point is this....after 3.5 years, he finally sent for my Mom to come to the states with me. I HATED all men and was a screamer child.

 

To this day, DECADES LATER, I can remember getting off of the plane, my Mom handing me to this 'stranger'.....but when I smelled his neck I knew I belonged to him. I don't know if I was confused......but I do know I felt safe.

 

 

Maybe that story will help you.....with your own baby girl. Blood is deep and thick.........THEY KNOW!

[carla]

I would wait until the day that she has to meet your ex and explain that he is her father (the man that helped make her) and not her dad (the man that loves, and helps raise her)Keep things simple. If he starts pumping things into her head, she will tell you and she will be full of questions. You have the upper hand in this case

You are her mommy she has full trust in you not this stranger that is suppost to be her father. Chances are she will probably not see him again for a long time. Good Luck I hope things go well.

[Kat]

The visit has been and gone and no harm came to my baby girl.

 

I told her the day before about him, I used his first name and said that he was her father. I showed her a picture and said that she was going to a day care centre to see him. I asked her who her daddy was, and she replied with my partners first name.

 

I gave her lots of cuddles and said that I was scared of her Father and I hoped that he wouldn't hurt her (maybe the wrong thing to say, but it was what I was feeling and I had to let her know.)

 

The morning of the visit she asked about 70 times if she was going to go see 'Ex's first name' yet. It got a tad annoying and I could see my current partner getting upset. Even I was getting upset at the thought that she was really excited to see this stranger. I told my partner and myself that my ex was a novelty to her and that is the reason she was so excited.

 

The visit came and went.

 

When we got home I asked her if she had fun, she said yes. One of her first replies was '*ex's first name* not hurt me..no', to which made me feel a lot better (a big history of violence, threats of death and kidnap against me and my daughter, and the rest). He gave her some clothes and she wore it a few days ago. When I asked her where she got them from (to see if he had made an impact) she said his name and that he wore a red shirt.

 

It has nearly been a week and she hasn't mentioned him outside of the conversations I have stated.

 

She knows who loves her, she knows who her family is, and he doesn't seem to have made much of an impact on her at all.

 

Thank you for all your thoughts and comments.

[coursingthru]

Kat

 

 

I can understand your fears. I left my marriage after 7 years with my 7 yr old daughter and his 9 yr old son. I raised my stepson since he was 18 months old until 9 yrs.

 

 

It is very sad that non-custodial parents don't realize the effect they cause on their children when they are so abusive and controlling.

 

 

My daughter is now almost 14 yrs old and sees her dad every other weekend for the past 3 years now. In 1997 because I wouldn't take him back - his option to me was take me back or you will never see my son again. I chose not to take him back. He knows how much I love Nick and figured using him as a pawn - he could get me back. But the fact that our relationship was getting scary - I had to stay strong and refuse. It hurt like hell but to this day - I have not a regret.

 

 

He always had the ability to make me feel like I was insane, when I wasn't. His physical abuse grew after I had him move out and the police did nothing because we were still married and his name was on the lease so he could come and go as he pleased. It wasn't until he showed up to drop off the kids and came into the house while the kids were outside playing and put his hands around my throat and started to squeeze my neck and he said how he wished i was a bird that he could keep in a cage. I was scared to death and gained my strength and said - go ahead and squeeze harder - so when the kids come in they'll find their mom dead on the floor. He let go and left. I got a restraining order immediately. It also helpled that I was good friends with the chief of police in our town and went to see him personallly.

 

 

Every child values are instilled by the age of 7. Everything around them that goes on is taken in and who they are at 7 is who'll they'll be for the rest of their life only growing stronger.

 

 

visit my brothers site: http://www.parentingissues.com

 

 

I feel that you needn't say anything to your daughter. She's too young. What you need to do - this is what I still do - is never say a negative or positve about the sperm donor. This will only cause her as she gets older to resent you. TRUST ME ON THIS! My mom always talked so sweet about my dad who left when I was 1 and she always praised him even though I never saw him but once a year and got a call at xmas and my bday. I am now 36 and have nothing to do with him. I also told my mom that by her making him out to be something he's not - gave me false hope that I could have this great relationship with my dad. Never happened. He is emotionally unavailable to this day. He is a good man - and maybe a good dad to his 3 daughters from his 2nd marriage, but to me - he is nothing. He has seen his granddaughter - my kid 2 times in 13 1/2 yrs. Once when she was 6 months old and when she was 4 yrs old.

 

 

I feel Kat that you stay the strong woman and mother you are and make the decisions right now for what you feel is best. I wouldn't talk about him or ask you baby any questions of him either. You don't need to trigger anything in her. Just answer simply when she asks anything. Like if she asks, can I see him? I would say yes but then plan it at the park or a kids restaurant to where you and your man are there overseeing. This way - because she is only 3 and I know my daughter still has this thing she does where she looks around the corner or calls out my name for no reason to make sure I am there. I think if your baby is with her dad but knows she can see you at the same time - will give her more security and also that everyone can be in the same room together. A HUGE THING THAT ALL KIDS WANT TO SEE! My kid still does it to this day when her dad and I have a good talk on the phone - she ALWAYS says - mom - thats so cool you guys talked with eachother like that.

 

 

Granted I have blown in many a times - but in protection of my kid. I have this poster of sketch of the momma bear hugging the baby bear - and that is how I am with her - if anyone comes near the baby bear - that mom will tear you apart.

 

 

If you do argue at all with the S.D., and your baby see's it - make sure you fix it in front of her too because then she can see it all full circl - unless of course it is violence. If he is that way - I would request from the courts that have to attend anger management classes and seek counseling. I live in Southern California and out here - it is so ordered with enough evidence. My ex has been ordered twice to do this. It doesn't make you look so good!

 

 

Things now are better but the ex is busy in real estate and his new life with gf who has 2 teens too plus my ex's boy - but my kid is very much her own little person with thoughts and feelings and I allow her to say whats on her mind and never judge her or dictate differently. My ex can't handle because he knows he cant mess with her anymore by making himself like th "poor me" your mom so mean blah blah blah

 

 

Trust me on this - I have been in and out of court for 6 years - last visit was in 9/03.

 

 

You have to go with your mom intuition on this Kat - no matter what. In court I would express this all and your concerns. But make sure not to look like your beating up on him - because out here in our courts - if a woman cries - the courts get upset and say it is a form of manipulation and you will lose.

 

 

I always represent myself too and I always pop 1/2 xanax before a mediation meeting or a court appearance because you cannot show any sign of anger, sadness, fear nothing. They will hold that against you!! Also in my county of ventura - the courts are more for the fathers than mothers so count your blessings!

 

 

I've never lost and always gained but thats because I have always kept a diary of dates and times of every incident and any letters - even emails that will help me.

 

 

I don't think you keep the S.D. as a non topic in the house. I would once a month maybe say - hey sweetie - if you want to see your father - just let me know. this way she won't have the fear of not talking about him to you and will confide in you with everything. This back fired on my ex because when he talks negatively to my kid trying to convince her I am not who I really am - she comes home and says "my dad told me not to tell you this but...........

 

 

Parenting is a privelege - not a right.

 

 

Always remember - your child knows who you are.

 

 

Good luck!

[Kat]

Thank you