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how to deal with my boyfriends 7month old daughter...


KeanuLink

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Alright. Hm, I suppose let's start with the basics...I've been dating this guy, Michale, for a few months now. And well, even though he is only 17 (as well as I am) he has a 7 month old daughter. Now I've never been in a relationship involving a child before, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I care so much for his daughter, Kittie, but I don't want to take the place of her mother. It's so hard to deal with Michale having a daughter though because at times I feel upset. Well, 3 years ago I lost my daughter Mercedes due to a miscarriage. Yes, I was young...real young. But I was nearing the 2nd trimester when I lost her. So being with Michale and Kittie sometimes makes me feel like I'm trying to forget Mercy or something of the sort. It's as if I feel guilty for caring for Kittie, sort of like I'm replacing Mercy. But it's not like that at all...not even close. Agh. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I care for Michale and his daughter very much, but sometimes it just tears me up inside. Sometimes I even have to take time to myself and just think and reflect on many things. Plus, the fact that his ex is always going to be in the picture doesn't help at all. Now, his ex has just been recently married, so I know he won't go back to her. But her being around and knowing that she'll be there for the rest of his life....the rest of our lives..It just hurts. Hm. I suppose I'm just wondering what I should do, or some ways I can help supress all these terrible feelings. Any help would be greatly appreciated....

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Just because you like children doesn't mean you have to stay in this relationship. If you're not willing to be a mother to that child, then you're not doing her any service by staying for her sake. You should only stay if you can deal with the relationship, which to me looks like more trouble than it's worth. Don't stay for the kid.

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Well, it's not like I'm staying in the relationship just because I like children...I want to be there for Kittie as much as I can. I want to be there for everything. I know I can take the role as her mother, I am fully aware of that...Well, I have been taking care of my niece since I was 11. And she basically saw me as her mother and best friend. Not so much anymore as the mother role because she is 6. So taking care of Kittie would not be a problem..I am also a high school graduate and freshman in college, so schooling is not an issue.

 

I see no problems in the relationship between Michale and I..I've known him for 4 years and we've been good friends. I just. I don't know how to take it that he has a child, it hurts. And I know it's me being jealous, but I'm just trying to find a way to get over my jealousy and my guilt towards Mercy....

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I care so much for his daughter, Kittie, but I don't want to take the place of her mother.

 

or

 

I want to be there for everything. I know I can take the role as her mother, I am fully aware of that...Well, I have been taking care of my niece since I was 11. And she basically saw me as her mother and best friend.

 

I'm not sure of your intentions, they seem ambigious to me, with regards to the child. But she doesn't need a best friend, if you're willing to commit to the role of mother, that's different, but what I was saying was, don't stay for the sake of the child. If you can deal with the "burden" of Kittie, and enjoy your relationship with Michale, then by all means, stay. I was just saying make sure you put yourself before the child.

 

Additionally, there are support groups for women who have lost children due to miscarriage, and if you don't feel comfortable with that, I recommend some sort of therapy. It will only help, and you can get over some of the feelings of the incredible emotional hardship of something like that.

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I can't believe what I'm hearing!! Doesn't anyone have any caring parents in their lives? Why are there so many young girls (17, 18, 19) getting into relationships with guys that already have kids?? What are these girls hoping to find?? I just can't believe these young girls are happy with themselves. It sounds like they are looking for some sort of fulfillment and what better way to get loved than to be a surrogate mother to a child?? Children are full of love and usually pretty willing to give it to anyone who'll take it. It's just sad. Girls that should be starting their lives - going to school, focusing on careers, making friends, growing up, dating etc. are instead falling into this mother role that they cannot possibly be ready for - and shouldn't be ready or even want to be ready.

 

I would suggest getting some counselling - maybe you will learn how important it is to love yourself.

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yea.....right...counseling....hah, thats exactly what i need.

 

well sorry to break it to you, but im already out of school and im starting my life...my parents support the decision i am making by being with my boyfriend. so you can take that terrible advice you have to give and give it to someone else....because thats not why i posted this. agh. ppl like you....there arent even words to describe...

 

oh well, im done with it. im not even wasting my time...

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Take your time

Hello

 

I believe first you should take care of yourself first.

 

Second,

love doesn't fix anything, unless you can live 24/7 thinking about his ex.

 

Most important you are young and had a bad experience. Why don't you just let time and this guy fix this problem by its own hand and just be friends.

 

bye.

 

just another viewer

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yea.....right...counseling....hah, thats exactly what i need.

 

Well, actually, yes. Counselling might help. You may still have unresolved grief, which might hinder your being able to develop a good relationship with him and his child. You need to deal with your loss and you might need help with that.

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Regardless, the ex will always be in the childs life and being that this baby is so young, he will need to talk to her. You will always have to deal with the ex..hopefully the fact that she is married means she has moved on.

 

Now, you do know you can never take the place of anyones mother, especially if that mother is still around? You need to help raise her if you intend on being

 

 

there..but you cannot be that childs "mother" she has one.

You do sound like you have some unresolved issues about your miscarriage...couseling isnt a bad thing, it may help.

 

This child, Kittie, needs loving parents, first and foremost and should you choose to stay in her life, just love her.

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Originally posted by dyermaker

If you're not willing to be a mother to that child, then you're not doing her any service by staying for her sake.

I am sure the child has a mother already. She doesn't have to either be the childs mum or leave.

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Yes, but the child needs love and attention. She is so young. If you arent willing to be a mother role, protective, loving, etc. then she shouldnt stay with him. Sometimes we need to realize its not all about us, especially when children are

 

 

involved. If you want someone to be there for you 24/7 dont pick a person with a child...regardless that child should always come first. Especially being so small!

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