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Looking through cell phone... off limits?


Appleanche

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Reposted from "family" forum...

 

My son is 12 and after several years of begging, finally has a cell phone. I told him when he first got it that I would be taking it any time I wanted so I could look through his texts, etc. I have yet to do it. On some level I feel it's an invasion of his privacy, NOT that at 12 he really is "owed" that per-say, but at this age privacy is important to them. I get that. The issue is that kids do need to be monitored because at this age they aren't fully capable of making the smartest decisions. Kids do dumb things with their phones. I want to look but I'm not totally sure about stepping over that line. What do you guys do?

 

The other thing: his dad and I are divorced and I'm fairly certain his father doesn't monitor such devices (cell, computer use, etc), so.... if I do then I am the bad guy, and my ex won't hesitate to point that out to our son. Just something I have to consider because that's the game he plays.

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To the comment that; your ex would use that against you, I have to say; one of the biggest mistakes any divorced parent can make is playing one parent against the other by bad mouthing or attempting to make the other look bad. That will backfire every time. So don't worry about it & DON'T do it.

 

Most 12 year olds know how to delete messages they don't want you to see, even if you do have access to his texts.

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JHeartS: Yes I suspect he would hate me if I invaded his privacy. I figure he would get over it but I don't know that looking through his phone is worth all the negativity that would come from that, particularly where my ex is concerned.

 

Oldguy: I agree with you about the badmouthing backfiring... I think someday that will all backfire but it's gonna be a while. At his age now he's pretty bonded with his father and so he doesn't see the manipulation. It's unfortunate I have to carefully consider my ex and how he could potentially screw me over with every decision I make with regards to our son.

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Honestyly like old guy said checking his phone wont do much except teach him to hide things better. My mother went through my room,listened in on my phone calls along with never allowing me to do any thing socially(i could not even host a sleepover). Yet I was still able to hide things from her :).

 

Yes as a parent and buyer of the phone you can look at it anytime you like but just warning you people will do what they need to have some privacy. Child Psychologist state that your child should have a part of their life that you dont know about. They must to be able to grow up into independent adults.

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My almost-teen recently got her first phone, after a few years of begging, as well. We got her one specifically made for kids, which has a lot of options for parental controls and a GPS locator--the brand we went with is kajeet, if you want to look it up, but I'm sure there are others. We chose to give her unlimited texting, a set # of minutes per month, and we turned off her internet and pic sharing, so she can't send pics around without going onto her father's computer to use her email, she doesn't have any social networking and the only internet her phone will access is GoogleMaps so she can't get lost. Her phone can only send/receive during certain set hours (except for emergency numbers and her parents/grandparents #s), so she can't play with her phone during school hours or stay up all night texting. Stuff like that. Obviously there are also rules about phone use during family or homework time. She's clear on the rules and boundaries, and we've at least limited the amount of trouble she can get into and done our best to set her phone up as a really useful tool. Within those parameters, we intend to respect her privacy, unless she really goofs up and gets herself into trouble with the phone, which would probably result in it being confiscated for a while and might result in a loss of privacy, depending on the circumstances I guess. She's still thrilled to have a cameraphone, it's got a few games and she loves texting, taking pics and playing on GoogleMaps so she's pretty happy. After her phone shuts off for her friends' #s for the evening, she starts texting me just to say goodnight, even if I'm only ten feet away :laugh:.

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First off I'm not a parent so take this for what it's worth...

 

 

If he hasn't done anything involving his phone that is "bad" or makes you not trust him then don't look through his phone. Another option is contacting your Cell Carrier and adding the option to your plan that will give you a print out of all messages sent and received on his number, he will never know unless he looks at your bill. I still wouldn't do this though, unless he does something that betrays your trust.

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Stung: Thanks for the information. I like all the options carriers have given parents to limit their kids' usage. My son is on his dad's plan and likely locked into some long contract but I'll see if he can look into the parental controls... good suggestion.

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Has he done anything to make you mistrust him? If he's been a good kid for the past 12 years and does well in school, then you have no reason to look through his texts. That's just being nosy and he would probably feel that his privacy was being violated for no reason. Don't do it unless you have reason to be concerned.

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Ask yourself as an adult, would you want someone invading on your messages? Would you think they were "only thinking of your welfare?"

Cell phones are a necessary evil in this day of technology. Oddly some ADULTS actually still only use them for emergency contact or immediate needs. Kids can take this as an opportunity to do the same. Its become far more of a "social" need instead of a priveledge. Contingent on who gifted this phone, rules can be established on what it can be used for and then stick to it.

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Your job isn't to be your child's friend. Your job is to be their guide, to set the rules, and to enforce penalties if they break the rules. And to love them unconditionally, of course.

 

When children grow up respecting their parents, fearing getting in trouble and the consequences, they learn how to navigate life better. They grow up understanding that there will always be someone higher up than them, that they will have people checking up on them. And all that ensures that they can have a happier life which, after all, is your job.

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Ask yourself as an adult, would you want someone invading on your messages? Would you think they were "only thinking of your welfare?"

As an adult, I would realize that 12 year olds don't have the mental capacity, the experience upon which to base decisions, and they shouldn't be trusted 100% to not make mistakes. I would realize that it's my place to make sure he doesn't hook up with a predator he thinks is a 13 year old girl, and disappear.

 

My DD21 was the most studious, prim and proper girl you'd ever meet (still a virgin at 21); trusted me with passwords, added me on facebook, all that jazz. And yet, at the age of 16, I accidentally found an email of hers to a boy with some...suggestive pictures he had talked her into sending him.

 

I went to her room, sat down, and just said 'I know about the pictures you sent. We need to talk.' She never did ask me how I knew, but if I hadn't sat her down, who knows where it would have led. Even now, we don't know for sure that he deleted the pictures.

 

It was my job to monitor her (even though I never really monitored her, just found it by accident), and she later thanked me for keeping her from doing something worse than she already did, something she didn't really want to, but felt pressured to do.

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TwinkletOes26

Adults send sext messages too..i dont know why people just think teens do it...in fact adults are who started this whole thing lol. I remember when i was in my early 20s(almost 7 yrs ago) my friends in college would send all sorts of naughty pics.

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Has he done anything to make you mistrust him? If he's been a good kid for the past 12 years and does well in school, then you have no reason to look through his texts. That's just being nosy and he would probably feel that his privacy was being violated for no reason. Don't do it unless you have reason to be concerned.

 

I go with this idea. We have only had to watch one of our kids extra hard.

 

Hubby and I tried to sneak a look at the now reformed daughter's mobile phone to see what she was up to and didn't know how to operate it, lol! Hence more sneaky measures would be appropriate for suspected naughty young people if like us, you don't know what you are doing.

 

MAinly we went with the idea of our young people having family members on social network sites as a safety measure.

 

I know some parents who have passwords for everything and I don't blame them for a second. I would not underestimate the dangers of social network sites but would say the main thing to watch are who their peers are methinks. Especially if you have one of those hard headed kids.

 

Take care,

Eve x

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My daughter is 15. She is a good kid. Has made a couple of stupid decisions but nothing outrageous. Now that she is in HS her exposure and opportunity to make more poor choices is greater.

 

I struggle with this: Sure, I'd like to shelter her from situations in which others or she make bad choices. But...one of the important parts of my job as a parent is to make sure that while she is with me...she is learning to navigate LIFE. So, she needs some freedom.

 

BUT. I also have to keep her safe. And out of jail. And healthy.

I have on occasion checked her phone, showed up where she is, or monitored her computer. I dont like it, because I am ultra respectful of the privacy of others. But this is my job . I dont do it often and less and less as she has opportunity to show me she is responsible. But she knows I CAN AND MIGHT.

 

Ive talked with her about it. Since this is what she is used to, she says she really doesnt mind so much. I never ever read her journals, etc. Just her communication with others. She has told me she has used her nutjob mothers chance of showing up places as an excuse to just say NO.

 

And Ive never had to look for her.

 

Works for me

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Ive talked with her about it. Since this is what she is used to, she says she really doesnt mind so much. I never ever read her journals, etc. Just her communication with others. She has told me she has used her nutjob mothers chance of showing up places as an excuse to just say NO.

 

And Ive never had to look for her.

 

Works for me

Exactly. My mom was always gone, working, and would tell me 'I trust you; I know you'll do the right thing.' But all my friends were druggies and were always pushing me to do bad things. I SO wished my mom would step in and just say no, but they all KNEW she had no rules, so it was really hard on me to say no all on my own.

 

And with my daughter, I simply told her what the rules of the house were. I have the right to monitor you if I want to; I'm the adult, you're the child (even at 18). I'm not GOING to monitor you unless something looks wrong, but you WILL allow me access any time I ask. I just never had to ask. It's when you give kids the idea that they have the right to negotiate that you get into trouble. Kids WANT you to be the adult and be their backup plan if they get in over their heads.

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When my daughter was... 13 or 14 she was not allowed to wear makeup to school. I know she was washing it off before she came home except for one day she forgot to. I punished her because I had too, not because she was wearing make up at school, (her school had a dress code that didn't allow it to get too crazy anyway), I grounded her or took phone privileges away because I didn't want to disappoint her.

 

I respected my kids & they turned out alright. I've often said; raising teens is a bit like riding a spirited horse in that pulling back on the reins too hard will cause them to buck so the best you can do is sit tall and give the impression your in charge LOL

Edited by oldguy
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When my daughter was... 13 or 14 she was not allowed to wear makeup to school.

 

Not that parents don't have the right to enforce any rules they want, but this one always seemed weird to me. I mean, I can understand why you wouldn't want your 14-year-old daughter going to school looking like a painted whore, but what's wrong with wearing foundation to cover acne? It just seems very strict to me. With teenagers, makeup is the least of your worries, lol.

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Not that parents don't have the right to enforce any rules they want, but this one always seemed weird to me. I mean, I can understand why you wouldn't want your 14-year-old daughter going to school looking like a painted whore, but what's wrong with wearing foundation to cover acne? It just seems very strict to me. With teenagers, makeup is the least of your worries, lol.

I'm pretty sure he means mascara and such.

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As an adult, I would realize that 12 year olds don't have the mental capacity, the experience upon which to base decisions, and they shouldn't be trusted 100% to not make mistakes. I would realize that it's my place to make sure he doesn't hook up with a predator he thinks is a 13 year old girl, and disappear.

 

My DD21 was the most studious, prim and proper girl you'd ever meet (still a virgin at 21); trusted me with passwords, added me on facebook, all that jazz. And yet, at the age of 16, I accidentally found an email of hers to a boy with some...suggestive pictures he had talked her into sending him.

 

I went to her room, sat down, and just said 'I know about the pictures you sent. We need to talk.' She never did ask me how I knew, but if I hadn't sat her down, who knows where it would have led. Even now, we don't know for sure that he deleted the pictures.

 

It was my job to monitor her (even though I never really monitored her, just found it by accident), and she later thanked me for keeping her from doing something worse than she already did, something she didn't really want to, but felt pressured to do.

 

Goody for you! I stand by my inquiry to the OP for reconsideration of how they would like it. Respect and Trust have no age limit or minimum age to qualify.

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Goody for you! I stand by my inquiry to the OP for reconsideration of how they would like it. Respect and Trust have no age limit or minimum age to qualify.

You can respect your child but you shouldn't give them blind trust. The brain doesn't stop developing until around age 25; before that, their decisions will be wracked with mistakes, bad information, lack of a frame of reference, and adherence to peer pressure over logic. That's why it's your job to set the rules and NOT bend to child pressure.

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Not that parents don't have the right to enforce any rules they want, but this one always seemed weird to me. I mean, I can understand why you wouldn't want your 14-year-old daughter going to school looking like a painted whore, but what's wrong with wearing foundation to cover acne? It just seems very strict to me. With teenagers, makeup is the least of your worries, lol.

 

It wasn't a complete ban of make up, it was the painted look. Trust me, there was so much 'glitter' I would show up at work with residual glitter on. I patient once laughed and commented, "I see you have a teenage daughter too" :laugh:

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Well, you know what they say. Glitter is the herpes of arts & crafts.

 

before that, their decisions will be wracked with mistakes, bad information, lack of a frame of reference, and adherence to peer pressure over logic.

 

Hey! I take offense to that. I happened to be a very conscientious teenager. My parents weren't strict or anything, it was just my personality. Those kids are out there, you just don't hear about them because their stories aren't dramatic.

 

I'm not advocating blind trust, but if your kid has never done anything to violate your trust, I think he's earned it. No point in making a good kid feel like he's done something wrong just because of his age.

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Hey! I take offense to that. I happened to be a very conscientious teenager. My parents weren't strict or anything, it was just my personality. Those kids are out there, you just don't hear about them because their stories aren't dramatic.

My daughter was a very conscientious teenager, the most so out of about 30 kids she was friends with. And she still made a potentially VERY dangerous mistake that may STILL come back and haunt her because there may be pictures of her out there.

 

I would never say there aren't great kids like you. I know that MOST kids are awesome, caring, conscientious people. I also know that, as kids age from pre-teen to teen to young adult, they go through many changes as their awareness increases, their independence grows, their need for outside acceptance becomes more important than their need for family acceptance...there are many many reasons a kid will make a potentially dangerous mistake, and most of the time, they KNOW better, yet they still do it.

 

I'm not saying to keep kids from doing things or having freedom; they need that, so they can learn and grow. I'm saying that the freedom needs to be monitored (from afar) so that, if the adult sees them stepping over a line that may hurt them, they have to step in and re-right the kid's course to protect them.

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I'm not advocating blind trust, but if your kid has never done anything to violate your trust, I think he's earned it. No point in making a good kid feel like he's done something wrong just because of his age.

How is letting your child know he can have his phone but that you reserve the right to ensure he's acting in a safe manner while he's under your care making him feel like he's doing something wrong?

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