Teenage daughter hates ex-wife's boyfriend...

[RebuiltNJ]

So I am in the situation that my 15 year old daughter hates my ex-wife's boyfriend. From her point of view, he is the reason we got divorced. Unfortunately, when my marriage hit a rough spot, my ex chose to have an affair and now my daughter wants nothing to do with her or him.

 

I have two challenges with this - one is that I also have a 7 year old and she just wants to be with her big sister. Now her sister wants to live with me full time and it is breaking my heart to split them up.

 

Secondly, I do not like this guy either. This has nothing to do with the affair, that was 5 years ago and I am well past that. In fact, my ex and I get along ridiculously well. It's complex and the details are not for a public board, let's just say - him and I probably won't ever really get along. So that makes it difficult for me to push my 15 y/o into any contact with him either.

 

 

Please, before anyone hammers me on setting an example and getting along with this guy for my kids, understand there are certain details I am not sharing AND I have been down that road. My focus for the last 3 years has been creating an amicable environment between me and my ex. We continue to do holidays and even have vacationed together. She has chosen to never bring him around me or the kids for 3 years. It is an issue they have in their relationship.

 

Anyone ever deal with anything remotely close to this.

[Tayla]

Welcome to LS! How did you find this site? You are quite open to your scenario so I applaud you for this detailed post.

 

Due to experiencing this situation in your teen daughters shoes, I found out that the judge who awarded custody also granted exceptions to particular matters. Summons the judge to curtail visitation to exclude the boyfriend. Yes it can be asked and in most cases the judge will agree that its the parents that have the visitation NOT the boyfriend. SO he can just stay away if its emotionally distraught to the daughters. Weird that I think back on this and how the judge really did Listen to a teen and agree it did no good to have this feller hanging out, he was not a legal guardian. I still get the creeps thinking about that guy and what a perv he was to his own kids...so that tells you some 30years later that a kids instinct can be on target, don't dismiss your daughters view point as sheer angst, she may well have valid reason to not want to share her visitation with this man....

[RebuiltNJ]

Hi Tayla, thanks for the welcome. I actually discovered LS a few years back when I was going through my wife's affair and the separation. Great advice from the folks here and such relatable stories.

 

This situation is really rough for my daughters. My younger one just wants to be with her sister and my older one just doesn't want to deal with this guy. I mean what 15 y/o is willing to move and change schools just to be away from a situation - that is a major decision she has made yet my ex doesn't see it that way.

 

I will be registering her for school in my town on Monday. I feel this a situation of a mother and daughters relationship being tossed aside. It's sad but not surprising. My ex's own mother left her with her dad and moved 1800 miles away when she was 12. They never heard from her again until 8 years ago when she was dying.

 

I tried to explain to her that you do not need to move far away to make a child feel abandoned. My words fall on deaf ears as they've been for years now whe. It comes to the kids.

[bentnotbroken]

So I am in the situation that my 15 year old daughter hates my ex-wife's boyfriend. From her point of view, he is the reason we got divorced. Unfortunately, when my marriage hit a rough spot, my ex chose to have an affair and now my daughter wants nothing to do with her or him.

 

I have two challenges with this - one is that I also have a 7 year old and she just wants to be with her big sister. Now her sister wants to live with me full time and it is breaking my heart to split them up.

 

Secondly, I do not like this guy either. This has nothing to do with the affair, that was 5 years ago and I am well past that. In fact, my ex and I get along ridiculously well. It's complex and the details are not for a public board, let's just say - him and I probably won't ever really get along. So that makes it difficult for me to push my 15 y/o into any contact with him either.

 

 

Please, before anyone hammers me on setting an example and getting along with this guy for my kids, understand there are certain details I am not sharing AND I have been down that road. My focus for the last 3 years has been creating an amicable environment between me and my ex. We continue to do holidays and even have vacationed together. She has chosen to never bring him around me or the kids for 3 years. It is an issue they have in their relationship.

 

Anyone ever deal with anything remotely close to this.

 

Have you and your daughter tried counseling or mediator? A third party may be able to help your daughter express her concerns in a safe environment so that your ex will listen. Teen years are hard enough without adding extra stress. I don't think you have to push her to spend anytime with him, but find ways that she and her sister can spend some quality time together. Sorry to hear she is dealing with this.

[RebuiltNJ]

Yes. My sees a therapist and has for sometime. Unfortunately we've attempted to have this dialogue with the therapist but once we get outside the confines of the office, it is like nothing was said and things are even used against my daughter. This has gotten to the point that the therapist works more on helping my daughter manage her feeling and cope with the relationship she has with her mom rather than trying to have them both together as it is not productive.

 

I think I should note here that I am not trying to demonize my ex. She comes from a difficult upbringing and I was as patient as possible utilizing counseling and therapists to try to save the marriage. She has this immense fear of being alone and found somebody who will tolerate who wild emotions unchecked. She just suffers from emotional problems that are extremely sad to watch impact our kids,

 

I agree that quality time for both girls together is key. My ex is agreeable to my older daughter living with me nearly 100% of the time. I will be asking for additional parenting time for my 7 y/o as well. Ideally, I'd like to become custodial parent for both girls.

[bentnotbroken]

Sorry to hear the ex is letting her own issues interfere. I pray things turn out well for you and your daughters. Keep telling them how much you love them and that you are willing to go the extra mile.

[turnera]

It's good that you're doing this for your older daughter. Given your ex's background, it's unlikely she'll ever have a good relationship with her oldest daughter, as she has probably pushed her own issues onto her. So focus on making her high school as good as possible. Clue: the more time you spend on your daughter's activities, the more likely she is to gain self esteem and blossom. Talk to her TONS, ask her about EVERYTHING, go on walks together each and every week so she has plenty of time to talk, become her sounding board. And make every opportunity available for your two girls to spend time together; make it easy on your ex to grant that - don't ask her to do the driving, make it your goal for the next 3 or 4 years to be your kids' chauffeur, and worry about your personal life after oldest is gone to college.

[RebuiltNJ]

Turnera - THAT is exactly how I am with both my girls. My personal life is what it is, their world takes precedent right now. To make it better I try to be as social as I can within their network of friends and that has worked well. We went and adopted a dog 6 months ago and the only times I walk her alone is when they aren't with me. I find thse are great opportunities to chat and get a pulse of where their heads are at,

My kids are great, sure they struggle with split parents but I was proactive with getting them into therapy as soon as the marriage hit a crisis point. I knew I wasn't equipped to handle what might be going on in their heads, I leveraged all the help I could to make it as smooth as possible.

Had my ex moved past her affair, I really think we'd have a post marriage world to be proud of. Unfortunately she is on again off again with this guy and looks like she replaced the later erratic years of our marriage with the erratic nature of her current relationship much to the dismay of my girls.

To give a small example of what we're dealing with - in the past few weeks, he purchased a home for them to live in. He has never spent even an afternoon with my daughters in the 4 years they've been dating on and off. They went off again before her was too close on the house and he broke his contract costing upwards of $10k... They are back again now for the sixth time.

Since my divorce, I have not seriously dated much at all. Completely different priorities, and I am far from "lonely". I just dont get it sometimes.

[Tayla]

You sound like a loving and concerned parent who is following a positive path to have healthy children. How is it that the children would be split up? Usually if you summon the courts they will re-consider the custody based on various factors. They don't like to split the children up when possible so appeal to the courts on that level. Its not a slight against the mom, I am sure in her own way she adores them. But perhaps with this change in the oldest daughters residency the Mom can get her act together and regroup her parenting skills.

Wake up calls can sometimes happen in circumstances that appeal to the heart....

[RebuiltNJ]

Tayla - since the school year is starting soon, my older daughter will be going to school in my town and that has to happen immediately. My ex won't allow my younger daughter to stay with me more than 30% of the time. I am going to petition the court to change that under the circumstances that my older daughter will be with me 80-90% of the time. So I think in the coming months there will either be a major shift in parenting time or like you indicated a wake up call.

 

It's a win/win for me in a sense. On one hand I would get my girls more on the other hand there could potentially be some healing between a mom and her daughter....

[Mauschen]

Good luck with all of that! Based on my recent filing for parenting time modification, I suggest you wait a few months before filing (so your older daughter has a routine at your place and has been in school for a few months).

 

It sounds like you are a much more responsible parent than your ex. Even though I am much more responsible than my ex and he has 5 child protection reports on him, we're going into month 3 of the custody modification. The court assigned a Guardian ad Litem to represent the kids. I am not sure if that is likely in your case if there is no abuse though. I've found the Guardian to be very thorough so far and she really does seem to have the best interests of the kids in mind. In any case, it is much more of a battle and more complex than I had anticipated, unfortunately.

 

Why won't your ex let you have your youngest daughter more than 30% of the time? Does it have something to do with child support?

[Tayla]

If joint custody is listed then a 50-50 can be ascertained. THe Primary parent doesnt always get to determine this, the courts do. Hopefully the courts are more open to BOTH parents wanting to maintain contact with the children.

I do not know the full scope of this OP's custody agreement and can only imagine that it does carry child support in conjunction with visitation time frames.

True that modifications do take time to be evaluated when tenancy is changed yet as I said, the courts do take in to account the childrens' viewpoint when they are old enough to make such decisions.