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2 1/2 year old daughter using the 'F' word


SteveNChicago

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SteveNChicago

My wife and I had a disagreement several months ago that led into an argument. The argument ended with my wife saying the 'F' word ("Shut up you mother 'f' er"). This exchange between us happened while we were the car and our 2 1/2 year old daughter was present sitting in her car seat. A day later, my daughter had a temper tantrum and she said, "Shut up you .... 'F' er!" (For reasons of being nonoffending I am substituting 'F' for the 'F' word)

 

My wife understands that she made a mistake by letting her anger get the best of her in front of our daughter and it hasn't let it happened since. However, my daughter now uses the 'F' word whenever she is upset. Anyone have advice on how to deal with this? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you.

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Girlinterrupted

This is common, I have an 8yr old now who knows a lot more than I was ever aware of untill simply asked her. In my case my daughter learned all her "four letter words" in school....great huh! However, around age 2 she learned the most common ones like the "F" word, damn and s***...yup I was the one at fault, without even noticing I used these words around her often. I knew it was my own fault but at the same time I knew she needed to know that it was wrong so I simply spoke to her and told her those are mean & ugly words and little girls need not say them and if she says them she will get in trouble or punished.

 

Ever since then she hardly even said them again unless she slipped and then would look at my with apologitic eyes. I say simply let her know that it's not nice and she will that if she does say them she will be in trouble or punished.

 

When my daugther got older she did ask why I could say them and she can't and I had to reply with the good ol' I'm an adult and your not! and if you do say them you will be punished! She understands.

 

Good luck.

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HokeyReligions

Thats pretty much what I did with my kids. Even at 2 1/2. Explain that its wrong then just tell her NO and follow up with punishment if necessary. I swatted my kids quite a few times before they stopped swearing, and when they were older they were grounded for swearing. No TV, phones, computers, etc. and grounding also consisted of extra homework that I assigned. It didn't happen too often after that! :)

 

Good Luck!

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yeah, they'll haunt you with stuff like that.

 

a thought: maybe give her another word to use in that place? I know little kids like to push the envelope with words that they learn, and she can tell that it obviously upsets you. It's easier explaining to them when they're a little older, though.

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HokeyReligions
Originally posted by quankanne

yeah, they'll haunt you with stuff like that.

 

a thought: maybe give her another word to use in that place? I know little kids like to push the envelope with words that they learn, and she can tell that it obviously upsets you. It's easier explaining to them when they're a little older, though.

 

Thats a good idea. Give her a replacement word, say it when you (or your wife) is upset and pretend it is a very bad word and then tell her to NOT use that one!

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Give her a replacement word, say it when you (or your wife) is upset and pretend it is a very bad word and then tell her to NOT use that one!

 

... lesson one on How to Outsmart Your Child :bunny:

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Girlinterrupted

I like the improvising I idea....

 

But....if she thinks it's bad and still says it isn't there moral issue there? Also what if you slip again and say ther real F word, then she'll never understand.

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SteveNChicago

Thanks for the advice. I will use a substitution word and let everyone know how it is going.

 

UCFKevin, yes she did call me a M'Fer. Technically... she is right. She is a mother and I am .... well you know the rest. The point is my daughter shouldn't be saying that stuff.

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No, the point is, she shouldn't say something like that to you to begin with, that's a pretty far out there thing to say in an argument, AND in front of your kid?

 

If it was a newborn, okay, but the kid's been around for a while.

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Originally posted by UCFKevin

No, the point is, she shouldn't say something like that to you to begin with, that's a pretty far out there thing to say in an argument, AND in front of your kid?

 

If it was a newborn, okay, but the kid's been around for a while.

I think that is a very inappropriate way for anyone to speak to another person, especially their spouse, and ESPECIALLY in front of a child of any age. You guys need to learn some better ways of arguing and cut the insults if you want your daughter to grow up in a healthy environment.

 

It takes some practice and self control, but you can learn to go through life without using profanity now that you have a child to set an example for.

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First off, you as a parent have to control your language around your kid. You know kids pick up on anything and everything. So, you need to stop swearing around your kids or try to stop. But anyways, if your kid starts swearing again, do what my mom did to me. Put soap in my mouth. I learned my lesson very quickly. There is no reason for your kid to swear at the age of 2 1/2. What's up with that?

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SteveNChicago

I appreciate the concern that many are placing on not using profanity in front of children to begin with. Please feel good in knowing that you are preaching to the choir.

 

We are not the first couple to get into an argument where profanity was present in front of a small child. We are certainly not the last couple that will do this. But, we are a couple who are taking a very proactive role in not allowing it to happen again. Without going into too much personal detail, we have been seeing a couples counselor for the last 5 weeks and my wife has ceased using profane language (around myself and our daughter) for the last 3 weeks.

 

I thank everyone who has expressed concern on this important aspect. We understand what we did wrong. We are making strong progress in developing our communication skills with each other.

 

What I am really concerned with is how should we deal with the aftermath.

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How about the tried and true spanking? Unless you're one of these "time out" parents. But Christ, if I did something wrong and got spanked, I never did it again.

 

Or the soap in the mouth. Got that, too. Never cursed in front of my parents since.

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i think the idea is that a beating might add further drama and emphasis to the event, whereas giving her better words to express anger will allow her the freedom to be angry but express it in a socially acceptable fashion.

 

having said this: i don't have kids, and i don't know the personality of the child in question. it's very cool that SteveNChicago is handling this in such a reasonable and thoughtful fashion, though.

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I agree with Jenny. Hitting a child does nothing but teach them that it's okay to hit. And a two-year-old child has no idea why you're putting soap in their mouth. That's disgusting.

 

Why can't people just get it: Kids are going to copy what you do. I think the word substitution thing is the best way to go. Next time you get angry, let your daughter see you say a benign word and she'll pick up on it and forget all about the old word. The bigger deal you make about the bad word she's saying, the more she's going to say it to get attention.

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Hitting a child does nothing but teach them that it's okay to hit.

 

Oh, that's ridiculous.

 

My parents spanked my sister and I, all my buddies were spanked as children, and none of us grew up to be hoodlums who get into fistfights all the time. That's a really bad generalization. I've never thrown a punch in my life.

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hmm...i think in my case, i am guilty of listening to Dr. Spock, etc, but i was also admittedly brought up in quite a liberal home. when i learned to swear, my parents had an exceedingly long and embrrasing talk with me about exactly what those words meant, the origin of them, and why they were hurtful and to whom.

 

i would not wish this on anyone. :)

 

but to say that because you and your friends grew up to be upright strong moral people, ergo spanking is terrific, is also a hasty generalization. it may have been right for you, and for that time.

 

i don't know the specifics of this case, so i'm not qualified to judge. i'm just a bit alarmed by glibness and hitting in the same statement, i suppose, to me it would seem like it would be a parent's last resort, or to be used in dire-safety circumstances only.

 

cheers, j

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Well, then you and I are two very different people.

 

Personally, I don't think the "time out" angle works whatsoever, especially not nowadays with so much stuff they can do in their room, TV, computer, etc.

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Originally posted by jenny

to say that because you and your friends grew up to be upright strong moral people, ergo spanking is terrific, is also a hasty generalization. it may have been right for you, and for that time.

 

i don't know the specifics of this case, so i'm not qualified to judge. i'm just a bit alarmed by glibness and hitting in the same statement, i suppose, to me it would seem like it would be a parent's last resort, or to be used in dire-safety circumstances only.

I agree. And I wasn't trying to suggest that everybody who got spankings growing up would end up being a hoodlum who went around beating people up.

 

But I do think that, IN GENERAL, it makes those people, depending on the quantity and the severity of the "spankings," more violent in temperament, whether they strike out at other adults in a physical way, spank their kids in a similar manner to what was done to them, or simply have a harsher attitude towards others; i.e., more verbally abusive. I think hitting a person, especially a child, is very hurtful to them in more than a physical way. Kids trust us, as the adults and the parents, and when we hit them I think it damages that trust.

 

Remember, this is just my opinion, so please don't lash out at me. I realize there are many different opinions on this subject. And there is certainly more than one way to raise a child.

 

For those of you who recommend spanking because it was done to you: Stop and think about how you felt at the moment you were being spanked and shortly thereafter. Is that a feeling you would like to inflict upon YOUR kids?

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Originally posted by UCFKevin

Well, then you and I are two very different people.

 

Personally, I don't think the "time out" angle works whatsoever, especially not nowadays with so much stuff they can do in their room, TV, computer, etc.

The idea of a "time out" is that they are taken away from those things and put in a quiet spot where there is NOTHING to do and they can be watched. Also, it is important to talk to the child and explain what they have done wrong, why it is wrong, and the conduct that is expected of them in the future, in a loving way.

 

Remember, the child in question in this thread is only 2 1/2 years old!

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My parents spanked my sister and I, all my buddies were spanked as children, and none of us grew up to be hoodlums who get into fistfights all the time. That's a really bad generalization. I've never thrown a punch in my life.

 

This a line of 'logic' I find fascinating. 'My youth was horrid, violent, and oppressive but because I haven't ended up in jail, I must then consider it perfect, ideal, and an example worth following'. Unbelievable.

 

Had you considered that even though you are not those things, you might be other, and better things had you not been spanked or punished with pain? I suppose not, since every one of us must be perfect now we're adults and therefore everything that went into our lives ought be followed exactly by everyone else, right? Not possible that there could be better ways of bringing kids up, that people could try them, and that it is no dishonour to the parents to suggest that perhaps they weren't fully aware of all the implications of their actions and might have made better choices?

 

Sigh.

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I think that even though your daughter is 2 1/2 you can nonetheless talk to her. Tell her the truth: that mommy shouldn't have used the word she did, that it's not a nice word and that it's not a word you want her to use. I think that if this is said calmly it can be very effective - it's only when kids get a huge reaction from people that they want to hang on to a behavior.

 

As for spanking, time out, etc., I would only implement these if they are already in your parenting toolkit. I wouldn't bring on new forms of discipline simply for this issue. Personally, I am not one for spanking and time out is most effective when it's used as discipline (i.e., a cooling off time), not punishment. But if these are techniques you already use successfully, then it may be appropriate to use them now.

 

But honestly, I would start with just telling her what you expect from her. This has usually worked with my kids, even when they were very young.

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