Tough Love - Boundaries for Teens - Rejection

[CosmicCelt]

My wife and I are going on six months separated with two kids. Our son, who turns 16 shortly, lived with me, (up until yesterday) our daughter who is 12 lives with her. When we separated we asked each child who they wanted to live with. Both adamantly made their choices. My son was hating his mother and vice versa for my daughter.

 

My wife had pretty much neglected our son for about the past 2.5 years during a binge of heavy pot smoking and drinking. She rarely spent time with him, missed almost all of his football and basketball games. Not to mention she rarely showed for parent teacher conferences, never checked his grades. When he has two serious emergency visits to the hospital one she was two hours getting there (she wouldn't respond to texts, wouldn't answer her cell) and the second incident a few months ago when he was injured at school in gym class she never bothered showing up at the ER at all.

 

On more than one occasion I had to talk to my son about his mom's heavy drinking and that it wasn't right for her to be doing that. He could see it and was upset by it. He also had to hear his friends comment about how our house smelled like marijuana because of my wife's heavy pot smoking. This situation created enormous tension and many arguments between my wife and I. She saw nothing wrong with it. As a matter of fact, her bedroom and bathroom in her new place she rents now smells like reefer.

 

So my son has felt very down about his mom and lonely for her, like most kids would. It was just awful to see how sad he was over the past few years because he got so little attention from his mother.

 

In the past month, about since Christmas, my wife has started giving my son more attention (FINALLY). My son has responded likewise and also enjoys spending more time with his sister.

 

Recently his grades have suffered, not surprisingly, and he got into minor trouble with the law involving attempted vandalism. He and some buddies snuck out of our home late and night and went prowling and got busted. As a result I've tried to setup safer and more clear boundaries for him with behavior and school work.

 

He has naturally rebelled against my new rules, especially with school work. I told him the TV goes off in his bedroom if he has any anything less than a C in his grades. Two weeks into the new semester he already has a D in two classes so I made him turn off the TV in his room. He got angry, slammed the door and we argued. Just a few days before I had explained to him that if he wants to get drivers training and his license when he turns 16 he must keep his grades up. Pretty par for the course for what I would think most parents would expect for their kids. Am I right on that???? Anybody want to offer different opinions?

 

So, my wife on the other hand isn't interested in setting boundaries and poo poo'd the whole vandalism thing. She doesn't bother checking my daughter's grades, nor does she communicate with my daughter or son's teachers (I do). My son now says he wants to live with his mother. He called her yesterday and his mom picked him up from school and took him to her home. We have shared parenting so in some regards that isn't a horrible thing. But as I told her, she should have discussed it with me. I felt badly hurt that my son would choose his mother over me considering everything I've done for him. He obviously has felt I've come down to hard on him with regards to schoolwork and staying out of trouble.

 

My concerns are that my wife is giving too much power over to the kids, especially my son. Right now is the time in his life where I believe he needs to learn the responsibilities of his school work and that he can't go around damaging other people's property without consequences. My wife is thinks he should be nurtured and loved. I can't agree more. But as I explained to her, he needs to know he has to live within the guidelines of what his parents believe are good solid boundaries for his own protection, well being and future success.

 

My wife is adamant that he should stay and live with him. My son told her all I do is yell at him, which is so untrue. There is a huge reality distortion factor here and my wife believes everything he says. For example, the TV being on in his room. I merely reminded him of our deal with the grades, and said it in a neutral voice. But he tells my wife I yelled at him. It goes on and on. I've had my son and daughter each seeing a therapist. My son's therapist is trying to work with me on this reality distortion thing where my son thinks all I do is yell at him.

 

So I'm feeling awful. My son has in a sense "rejected" me even while I put forth huge efforts to be there for him day and night with all his school activities, cooking meals, driving him to and fro to his friends, providing a nice cell, clothes, everything etc...Its hard to stomach all this knowing all the hard work I have done, only to see him choose his mother when she has done so little for him. The day she moved out with my daughter she didn't even bother to tell my son what she was doing. She just got in her car and drove away, no hug or explanation for my son. It just killed me to see his face, I'll never forget that awful night when she did that to him.

 

I'm horribly torn over this and hope any of you can provide me with some advice. I want to do what is right and set boundaries, I struggle with the best way to communicate that and want to make sure my son knows I love him but I have to be a parent before anything else.

 

Thanks.

[burbleyetkorcr]

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[Tayla]

And from your post I gander there is drug abuse (which is hereditary) that is contributing to this teen angst drama. Try counseling for yourself to deal with this. Setting boundaries needs to remain suttle (sp?) til you can both have a clear head when dealing with each other. You have but two years to re-group your skills and make an effort to step away from the "strictness" and learn to listen and I mean really listen to the teens view. Model appropriate behavior and respect his choices. Add more encouragement and a rare thing that parents seem to do is actually "sit" with the teen during study time to *guide* them when they are being educated. My Foster father was a teacher and he always made an effort to stop in during my study time to *review* the activity I was working on. He never stopped being active He didnt shutt the door with words of GET it done, Instead he encouraged me to ask questions when I was challenged and to steer me towards different material that may help get me thru the studies or report I was working on. He drove me to the library or allowed a study group at the house. He never once put the GRADE above the effort. Heck he was a teacher and he even said he understands no one can master ALL things and different studies will be more challenging and have a lesser grade. He didnt PUSH us to be status quo "A" Students or even B students, He accepted our levels of intelligence and never once demeaned us if we did show a C or a D.

So to just show up the parent teacher conference isnt exactly being active in the students studies. Heck when my sons were growing up I often got educated right along with them when doing algebra, history or Tool shop ( carpentry). It created a bond and I got to understand how their thought process's go , just by being there and not just in the same household. I am sure based on your post you are a caring parent and mystified by the teens behavior...which any parent would be. Take a step back and re-figure what is working in your parenting skills and what your son can do to meet you half way on some changes that improve you both

[fooled once]

Your son is playing you off his mom.

 

My stepson did this. He lived with my H after the divorce from the mom and when my H put down rules and all that, stepson moved to mom's.

 

Stepson dropped out of school and didn't get a drivers license until he was 20.

 

He is a drug head and a loser. He thinks he is better than everyone and has zero respect for anyone but his mommy. His father is the one who has always given him loans when needed; yet he never does anything for his dad.

 

This last year, dad had enough and the bank of dad is closed - for good.

 

Why did you allow your daughter to stay with your wife knowing of the pot smoking?

 

I think I would get custody of BOTH kids from her. Your kids are learning that it is okay to smoke dope, they don't have to be accountable for their actions and that rules aren't necessary.

 

I think you need to speak to a lawyer.

 

As for you feeling rejected - welcome to parenting Right now, yes, he doesn't understand all that you have done for him. ONE day - down the road (around mid 20's) he will look back and see all that you did. Being a parent is a thankless job for the most part.

 

KEEP the lines of communication open with your son BUT do not let him use your home and mom's home as a revolving door. He will be back when he gets mad at mom again and then back to mom's when he is mad at you Put a stop to that.

 

Good luck - hang in there.

[samoajoe]

Behavior has consequences. The rules set for your teenager need to be based on this simple yet fundamental principle. Parents and teenagers need to work together when making rules so that the teen understands the rule-making process, and the link between behavior and consequences. In addition, you as a parent can enforce the predetermined punishment, and can avoid bickering over details, since they have already been worked out.

[samoajoe]

Morevoer, talking is an effective form of discipline. Avoid being confrontational and offensive. Don't scream at your son because all he'll do is tune you out while you're screaming at him. Instead, talk to your teen calmly and listen to what he has to say.

Edited February 10, 2011 by samoajoe

[CosmicCelt]

Thank you for all the good advice and insight.

 

I've taken a more compromising and subtle track with my son and it seems to be working. I think the all or nothing approach is just too harsh for him right now.

 

He has buckled down with his studies and has been very kind and relaxed in the past week. I've had him over for dinner several times and he and his sister are with me this weekend. Was super nice spending a relaxing evening with them last night playing games and horsing around.

 

I do think he was playing the power game of playing one parent off the other. I talked to him about that and kindly told him I wouldn't go along with that and it was not appropriate, he seemed to understand. I can see how a continued approach I'm using will help re-establish a better relationship with him. Yelling rarely helps, I've noticed that when I dead silent or very quiet he actually seems more engaged with my message.

 

I only talk with my wife now when its absolutely necessary. My attorney is going to file for divorce next week. We went from incredibly amicable dissolution to divorce almost instantly. Heck, my wife spent the night at my place with all of us and even bought me several Christmas presents. We wold often share a beer or have long talks about how we were doing and how are separate lives were unfolding.

 

But I no longer have any trust in her, so thus the divorce.

 

Thanks again for the parenting advice, much appreciated!

[fhaye]

Thank you for all the good advice and insight.

 

I've taken a more compromising and subtle track with my son and it seems to be working. I think the all or nothing approach is just too harsh for him right now.

 

He has buckled down with his studies and has been very kind and relaxed in the past week. I've had him over for dinner several times and he and his sister are with me this weekend. Was super nice spending a relaxing evening with them last night playing games and horsing around.

 

I do think he was playing the power game of playing one parent off the other. I talked to him about that and kindly told him I wouldn't go along with that and it was not appropriate, he seemed to understand. I can see how a continued approach I'm using will help re-establish a better relationship with him. Yelling rarely helps, I've noticed that when I dead silent or very quiet he actually seems more engaged with my message.

 

I only talk with my wife now when its absolutely necessary. My attorney is going to file for divorce next week. We went from incredibly amicable dissolution to divorce almost instantly. Heck, my wife spent the night at my place with all of us and even bought me several Christmas presents. We wold often share a beer or have long talks about how we were doing and how are separate lives were unfolding.

 

But I no longer have any trust in her, so thus the divorce.

 

Thanks again for the parenting advice, much appreciated!

 

Nice to hear that, I as well got the same as yours. I had difficult on disciplining my son. Got an option to get help and was been advice me to get in touch called Turning Winds. There they give me the information that would be possible for my son to be disciplined and it really works.

 

Just want to share the experience I have.