Having difficulty with my sons father.

[flowergirl77]

How to shorten a very long and complicated story.......

I have a 13 yo son from a teen relationship. I am now married (10 yrs) with 2 young children from current HB. We are wanting to move out of town for many reasons and want to, of course take our son with us; however my sons father and grandparents from my ex side of the family are putting up a huge fight and are making this very difficult.

They are screwing with my sons head and trying to convince him how he will never be happy moving away from them and his friends,school etc and trying to convince him to stay behind and live with his grandparents. His Dad is not the fatherly type and can barely support himself, his own father said it right to us, and that my son would have to stay with them. My son is torn in half about this whole thing. His Dad is not a stable individual, and messes with his head-trying to turn him against us.Last night he had my son in tears full of anxiety from messing with his head during a phone conversation. My son even says himself "my dad makes me feel so confused, I don't even know how I feel". He said he feels like his dad and I both have one of his arms and we are both tugging at them and it's going to rip him in half...which is not at all how I want him to feel. I don't want to pressure him, but want him to come to the decision to move on his own-and be able to stand up to his dad and grandparents, despite what they may say to make him change his mind.

I am torn between encouraging him to come with us and give it a try for a year minimum (I told him if after a year he is truly not happy we would consider moving him back), the other alternative giving him his way and leaving him here with them- the other alternative is to not move, which for many reasons will not be positive for our family.We plan to take him to the community we want to move to, show him around and check out some potential houses, and see how he feels about moving there.

 

I am just unsure about how to proceed with this in a way that protects my son from further anguish...any advice would be great.

[nittygritty]

Do what is best for your son. Don't move him away from his father and grandparents and don't you move away from your son until he's grown. Don't move to another town until he graduates from high school.

[anne1707]

Does your son or your ex know the reason for the move? If so, have you talked to your son about this? I know that would be a tough thing to do but maybe if he sees you treating him as a young adult, he may respond.

 

I also appreciate that your reasons for moving are such that you cannot just take your son into consideration - this is for the benefit of your whole family.

[Last_Nerve]

We live in a mobile society and people move frequently for a variety of reasons. I would take him with me and ask him to give it a try. One year is not to much to ask under these conditions and sometimes people have to make sacrifices for the good of the family instead of focusing on the needs of one.

He is going into that stage where he needs a parent on board to guide him and I don’t think his dad or his grandparents are in a position to do that.

[sally4sara]

We live in a mobile society and people move frequently for a variety of reasons. I would take him with me and ask him to give it a try. One year is not to much to ask under these conditions and sometimes people have to make sacrifices for the good of the family instead of focusing on the needs of one.

He is going into that stage where he needs a parent on board to guide him and I don’t think his dad or his grandparents are in a position to do that.

 

Are you saying you're "Travelers" or are you saying you, your husband and you friends are all military involved and have to change bases often? I'm not very familiar with what you mean by "mobile society'.

Are the kids all home schooled or are they often having to change schools?

 

And are your In Laws also in this mobile society?

[firefly12385]

Your son is at SUCH a sensitive age, of course he is confused right now. I would flat out say to the grandparents: "Stay out of this, my son can make the decision on his own".

 

Sit your son down, have a thorough talk with him. No psychological games or anything, just the raw facts of the situation. Let him know WHY you are wanting this move to occur and WHY you want him to move with you and what positive things can occur. From what you've posted, "the others" seem mind controlling, and seem like they would only be doing psychological harm to your son. You know them better than anyone on this forum does though, so only you can make that actual decision you know?

 

What does YOU feel is the right place for your son to be? If you feel it's with you, bring it up to the lawyer and go from there. Sounds like your son's dad needs a new one too.

[tinktronik]

Your the mother that wants to move away from her hometown b/c you had an affair with a MM while you are married and now you want to slink off and hide. You want to take your child from his father and support structure and your son is suicidal because of your selfish actions. OP grow up. Face the music and don't drag your son away from everything he's ever known in order to hide from your actions.

[flowergirl77]

Thanks for pointing this out Tink..you are correct, these things did happen. But there are more reasons than my A we want to move!

 

To all of you that replied..additional info:

My sons father is an abuser, and plays head games with his child. He can not support himself and pays minimal child support, has dead end jobs he doesn't keep for long, and does very little to provide for for my son. My H has provided for him where his own father wouldn't. So I know we are the better environment for my son. Moving will put us in a much better financial position and my H can easily find work where we want to move (he has been laid off recently) and the prospects here are not good in his field of work.

 

Dispite the fact that out M problems have contributed to my sons emotional state-his father is not a healthy minded individual. He physically and mentally abused me for the whole 7 years we were together-and he continues to abuse me verbally on the phone when things aren't going his way.

 

We want to move our family for a fresh start-and I believe if it should come down to going to court, we would be approved by a judge to move, given his fathers history. I just don't know how I feel about forcing my son to move when he is so adverse to the idea.

[nittygritty]

Thanks for pointing this out Tink..you are correct, these things did happen. But there are more reasons than my A we want to move!

 

To all of you that replied..additional info:

My sons father is an abuser, and plays head games with his child. He can not support himself and pays minimal child support, has dead end jobs he doesn't keep for long, and does very little to provide for for my son. My H has provided for him where his own father wouldn't. So I know we are the better environment for my son. Moving will put us in a much better financial position and my H can easily find work where we want to move (he has been laid off recently) and the prospects here are not good in his field of work.

 

Dispite the fact that out M problems have contributed to my sons emotional state-his father is not a healthy minded individual. He physically and mentally abused me for the whole 7 years we were together-and he continues to abuse me verbally on the phone when things aren't going his way.

 

We want to move our family for a fresh start-and I believe if it should come down to going to court, we would be approved by a judge to move, given his fathers history. I just don't know how I feel about forcing my son to move when he is so adverse to the idea.

 

Better check custody modification laws in your area. If you live in the US, many states consider plans to move a child away from the other parent as just cause to reverse custody. It is not very likely that a judge would consider moving a child away from the other parent to be " in the best interests of the child". You, your marriage to your husband and the home life that you are providing to your son are not going to appear to be very stable if it comes out in court that you have had an affair and that your son is suicidal.

 

It is extremely difficult to prove mental or emotional abuse. You could easily end up losing custody of your son and having to pay your ex child support. Just some things to think about before considering a court battle.