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part 2 - Kids not giving a crap about their dad?


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Old 4th December 2010, 12:56 PM   #1
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Exclamation part 2 - Kids not giving a crap about their dad?

Umm...Let's say "a friend of mine"...
  • his older son can care less about seeing him or not
  • The mom, ex wife, can care less. Dad has always been involved with kids, but for an unknown reason, the older kid started distancing himself from his father 2 years ago, to the point of not wanting to spend weekends or days during the week with father.
  • There has been no case of the father hitting, punishmnet, screaming, etc at the kids; none, period.
  • Son is depressed, mom drags her feet to take him to therapist; rarely happens.
  • I feel that the child is being brain washed by the mom.

Younger brother
  • Gets along great with dad, goes all the time with him, etc..
  • Lately? Well, he's following his big brother's foot steps for no reason.
  • When he's with the dad he is the happiest kid in the world , has a blast, as dad is just a kid himself with him, lol.. But when he goes back to mom, he doesn't call his father, doesn't answer the calls..same trend as the older son.

Legally?
  • Dad took mom to Court, obtained court ordered visitations earlier this year, COURT sided with father 100%...
  • So no has a legal right, as before, but now it is COURT ORDERED.. but makes no sense to drag the kids out, if they just don't give a shi.it against their own will....

At this point?
  • Dad won the legal war, but what good is that if the kid doesn't give a shi.t.
  • Thinking of just taking the kids himself to a therapist under the court order.
  • OR
  • Just say "fk it" and relocate away from all the stress and depression. If the kids want to see the dad, fly them up in the summers.

  • Thoughts?
  • Anyone been in this scenario as a parent or child?
  • Did you regret not seeing your parent through those years or just not give a sh.it?

Just ranting ...
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Old 4th December 2010, 8:29 PM   #2
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Really? "Just say fcku it" is an option?

I don't even want to dignify this.
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Old 4th December 2010, 9:25 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eerie_reverie View Post
Really? "Just say fcku it" is an option?

I don't even want to dignify this.
After 8 years of the same sh.it.. moving to the ghetto to be closer to them.. guess you have to live it... probably will be a change of mind tomorrow, of course.. but what other option at this stage?
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Old 5th December 2010, 11:17 AM   #4
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I'm sure it gets old for most kids, by a certain age, to have to shuttle back and forth so both divorced parents get their legally appointed allotment of time with them. Even if your kids actually like you, they probably have things they'd rather do than hang out with Dad by this stage. If you've been divorced for 8 years, they are no longer little kids.

It's your job and responsibility to be a father to your kids; to be there for them when they need you in all ways and to help provide for them materially. It's not their job to make you happy or to fulfill ANY of your emotional needs.
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Old 24th December 2010, 7:36 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alexlakeman View Post
Umm...Let's say "a friend of mine"...
  • his older son can care less about seeing him or not
  • The mom, ex wife, can care less. Dad has always been involved with kids, but for an unknown reason, the older kid started distancing himself from his father 2 years ago, to the point of not wanting to spend weekends or days during the week with father.
  • There has been no case of the father hitting, punishmnet, screaming, etc at the kids; none, period.
  • Son is depressed, mom drags her feet to take him to therapist; rarely happens.
  • I feel that the child is being brain washed by the mom.

Younger brother
  • Gets along great with dad, goes all the time with him, etc..
  • Lately? Well, he's following his big brother's foot steps for no reason.
  • When he's with the dad he is the happiest kid in the world , has a blast, as dad is just a kid himself with him, lol.. But when he goes back to mom, he doesn't call his father, doesn't answer the calls..same trend as the older son.

Legally?
  • Dad took mom to Court, obtained court ordered visitations earlier this year, COURT sided with father 100%...
  • So no has a legal right, as before, but now it is COURT ORDERED.. but makes no sense to drag the kids out, if they just don't give a shi.it against their own will....

At this point?
  • Dad won the legal war, but what good is that if the kid doesn't give a shi.t.
  • Thinking of just taking the kids himself to a therapist under the court order.
  • OR
  • Just say "fk it" and relocate away from all the stress and depression. If the kids want to see the dad, fly them up in the summers.

  • Thoughts?
  • Anyone been in this scenario as a parent or child?
  • Did you regret not seeing your parent through those years or just not give a sh.it?

Just ranting ...

I am 58 years old. My mum and dad divorced when I was 11. I never wanted to see my father and didn't for 25 years. When I heard he was on his death bed I called the hospital and asked if he wanted to say good bye. Next day the same nurse told me she spoke to him and he said "no". I went to his funeral and as the coffin was going down I looked onto it and spat on it. Everybody who saw me criticised me for it and said he is your father. My answer was "he is no father of mine". He has been dead for at least 25 years now and I still hate him now as much as before. The divorce did not affect me at all. At the age of 11 I did not speak English. At the age of 17 I secured a job in a bank. My mother did not want, and did not have, any money from him, neither did she have benefits. She worked from 7 a.m. till 7 p.m. in a factory. After 34 years of marriage my husband walked out on me and my three sons. My sons have not spoken to their father and I dont think they ever will for causing such a trauma by walking out unexpectedly one day when I was at work.
Keep your chin up and dont worry. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for everybody. Take care
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Old 26th December 2010, 8:22 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alexlakeman View Post
Umm...Let's say "a friend of mine"...
  • his older son can care less about seeing him or not
  • The mom, ex wife, can care less. Dad has always been involved with kids, but for an unknown reason, the older kid started distancing himself from his father 2 years ago, to the point of not wanting to spend weekends or days during the week with father.
  • There has been no case of the father hitting, punishmnet, screaming, etc at the kids; none, period.
  • Son is depressed, mom drags her feet to take him to therapist; rarely happens.
  • I feel that the child is being brain washed by the mom.

Younger brother
  • Gets along great with dad, goes all the time with him, etc..
  • Lately? Well, he's following his big brother's foot steps for no reason.
  • When he's with the dad he is the happiest kid in the world , has a blast, as dad is just a kid himself with him, lol.. But when he goes back to mom, he doesn't call his father, doesn't answer the calls..same trend as the older son.

Legally?
  • Dad took mom to Court, obtained court ordered visitations earlier this year, COURT sided with father 100%...
  • So no has a legal right, as before, but now it is COURT ORDERED.. but makes no sense to drag the kids out, if they just don't give a shi.it against their own will....

At this point?
  • Dad won the legal war, but what good is that if the kid doesn't give a shi.t.
  • Thinking of just taking the kids himself to a therapist under the court order.
  • OR
  • Just say "fk it" and relocate away from all the stress and depression. If the kids want to see the dad, fly them up in the summers.

  • Thoughts?
  • Anyone been in this scenario as a parent or child?
  • Did you regret not seeing your parent through those years or just not give a sh.it?

Just ranting ...
Well, if this is "a friend", then you honestly have no idea what goes on in mom's house. If you are a stepmom, again, you have no idea what goes on in the mom's house. I am a stepmom - I know we like to think we know all, we are better mom's to these kids and the ex wife is just a horrible parent.

Rarely is it that way.

My step daughter quit coming for 'scheduled' visitation at 13. My H was awarded e/o/w and one night a week. But why make a kid come, just because. Especially teens. Most often than not, the biological divorced parents don't live in the same neighborhood therefore, the kid probably doesn't have "friends" in the non custodial (NC) parents neighborhood.

Instead of my H getting pissy about his daughter not coming every other weekend, we made a point to go see her for lunch or dinner at least twice a month. Additionally, he did his best to stay informed and in contact with her.

But I find it wrong to force a teenager to go to a parents house twice a month, just because the court ordered it. Did you as a teen hang out with your dad all day on weekends? Do the kids have anything to do at dad's house? Is the father remarried? Is his wife decent to the kids?

Divorce is hard on kids. Kids hear all kinds of things that the adults don't hear. Maybe the kid heard their mom being badmouthed? Maybe the kid doesn't like dad's new wife/girlfriend? What matters the most is the FATHER doing his best to keep the bound with the kid.

Why isn't dad getting the kid in counseling? Why, if he is so concerned, is he not setting it up and taking the kid? Many times the NC parent likes to sit and complain about the custodial parent, yet doesn't step up and do what they can do.

Phone calls - dad should set up a time/day for him to call his kids. Instead of leaving it up to a kid to be the adult and call the parent, the parent should call the kid at 8 pm on Tuesdays or at 7:30 on Wednesdays. Something a kid can remember and as much as possible, be available for.

Court - uh...most NC parents get court ordered visitation. Many NC parents choose to blow off that visitation. A NC parent doesn't have to take the visitation, but a custodial parent has to make the kid available for visitation.

I am also a custodial parent (although my son is an adult now). His father, my ex, rarely took his court granted visitation. He canceled more times than he took him and he never took him for the entire weekend. He picked and choose when he would get him. My son has little respect for his father - because of how his father has treated him or I guess the lack of treatment because his father didn't give a sh*t about seeing him.

As a stepmom, I realized I was too involved in "pushing" my H to see his kids, to call, etc. It is the BIOLOGICAL parents job to be involved - not the step parent to push the bio parent to be involved. I thought my H's ex was a crappy mother - one kid dropped out of high school and one barely graduated. But ya know, it wasn't my job to save them nor my job to orchestrate visitation. That was my H's job - as they were his kids.

Today, I am very very close to my adult stepdaughter. My H is very close to my adult son. My son lives 15 minutes from us, his daughter lives 3000 miles from us (recently moved).

Personally, I don't agree with forcing a teenager to hang out with a parent all weekend. I do believe the parent needs to be the one to forge the bond, to arrange times to get together (for lunch, dinner, outing). But just because parents divorce doesn't mean a child should get stuck dealing with the constant shuffling between houses and packing up belongings, etc. We all know teens are focused on themselves - on their social life. We all were that way. If the parents had stayed together, the kid wouldn't most likely be forced to stay home (as a teen) all weekend, hanging out. It is a hard line to walk, especially for a step parent.

Most importantly, no one should be criticizing the other parent anywhere near the kids. This will only make the kid choose sides and that is cruel and uncalled for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mme. Chaucer View Post
I'm sure it gets old for most kids, by a certain age, to have to shuttle back and forth so both divorced parents get their legally appointed allotment of time with them. Even if your kids actually like you, they probably have things they'd rather do than hang out with Dad by this stage. If you've been divorced for 8 years, they are no longer little kids.

It's your job and responsibility to be a father to your kids; to be there for them when they need you in all ways and to help provide for them materially. It's not their job to make you happy or to fulfill ANY of your emotional needs.
Great post
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Old 23rd January 2011, 9:58 PM   #7
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I have been both the CP and the NCP. I can say from both sides it is not easy.

One thing I advise Do not move away from the child. I did that and I live to regret it in the end. My son thought I did not love hm or cared about him, He had then stopped talking to me for a year.

You never say Fk It to a child EVER .. They live what they learn and this will damage the social aspect of this child. We are parent's and we have to do what is best for our kids, As they look up to this.

A child does not stop taking to a parent for no reason at all. It may not be the H fault but something happened and I would suggest a counsolor to help with this. In this matter there is no choice as the child is being more efected then any one of the parents.
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