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Stepson Evicted From Nest??


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Here`s my story…

 

Married 10 years first marriage for both

Me 43 years old

Wife 39 years old

2 Boys 17 & 20 (My stepsons)

1 Girl 9 (My biological daughter with present wife.)

 

Both my wife and I come from homes with stepfathers.

Mine was a bad experience and I ultimately intentionally caused my mother to divorce my stepfather.

My wife’s experience with her stepfather was better as she realizes he was the only stability she had when growing up.

 

From these experiences we have different ideas of the situation a stepparent is in.

Mine of course is a more intimate understanding.

 

Our first year of marriage was a bit rough considering I was the only one to ever discipline the boys.

I did so fairly, firmly, and compassionately yet it still caused tension in my marriage.

I disciplined prior to marriage and it was well received by my wife, as it almost seemed she was relieved to finally have some help.

However after the marriage, over some time I could tell it was creating stress in our relationship.

 

At this point I disengaged myself from parenting the boys as my options were…

 

1-Parent the boys and lose my marriage/family (Boys learn nothing everyone suffers)

2-Disengage and keep my marriage/family (Boys learn nothing no one else suffers)

 

I chose option two; I disengaged from parenting the boys.

 

Disengaging from parenting the boys meant that I would have to simply accept a very large amount of **** and live with it.

I have done this for ten years; I am reaching the end of my rope.

I hold more than a little resentment over the whole thing.

 

My marriage has been most excellent, very happy, very loving, very supportive of each other.

I could not say this about my marriage if I hadn’t disengaged from parenting the boys.

This is simply a fact.

 

My problem is with the oldest boy who is now 20.

My wife and I have been on him to get a job for the past three years.

At first only mildly (He was only 17) as time went by we became more insistent.

 

He had to be forced/pulled/prodded/threatened to get his license and GED.

Junior year he had a 1.34 grade point average he was never going to graduate so we made him get a GED.

 

This boy has no motivation to do ANYTHING.

 

I have honestly never met a person so intent on the destruction of their life through self imposed disinterest.

He will do nothing unless an unreal amount of energy is expended by myself or his mother to get him to do it.

From washing the dishes to going to school (Tech school) he will fail if not supported/motivated/hand held by us.

He lies and he steals (little things) and then lies about stealing them.

He sits on the couch day in day out all day playing video games and surfing the net and has done this for years due to my disengagement.

 

These boys are the only things my wife and I have ever had an argument about.

This is not an exaggeration, the eldest boy is the crux of almost every disagreement we’ve ever had.

 

My wife is a strong street-smart intelligent independent woman who seriously takes no **** from anyone.

However she melts into the most naïve clueless little wretch the moment it is even implied this boy is manipulating or lying to her EVEN WHEN SHE KNOWS FOR A FACT HE IS DOING SO!

She will accept any bull**** story from him no matter how unbelievable it may be.

 

As I’ve said, we’ve been on this boy to get a job and get motivated about starting his adult life for 3 years.

For three years there has always been some excuse about why he can’t get a job.

Why this interview fell through why that job didn’t pan out.

Three years of bull**** excuses so lame I began to believe he was sabotaging his own chances at employment.

 

My wife has slowly been coming around to accept the fact that her kid is on the path to a difficult, depressing, trouble filled life if he doesn’t get his **** together.

We’ve had some discussions where she wasn’t so defensive of him and actually in agreement with my assessment of his situation.

My assessment is that the boy is ****ed if he doesn’t get his **** together and quickly.

My wife agreed with this assessment a few months ago.

 

So I slowly kept pushing the issue little bit by little bit to test her reaction and when I saw she may finally be waking up to the reality of his life and the way he lives it I floated an idea.

 

I asked her what she thought about giving him a fair amount of time to start paying us $300.00 a month rent or leave the house.

I told her we could take his $300.00 every month and stash it for him so he can see how money accumulates when saved and he`ll have enough for a car or apartment within a year (without his knowledge of course)

 

I chose this idea of him paying rent or getting out because it leaves him no wiggle room.

No room to bull**** his mother as he does when we get on him about finding work.

She agreed to this ultimatum , I waited and prodded her to go through with this idea for another month.

 

At one point she seemed to go into remission and told me I should be the one to give him this ultimatum.

She was withdrawing from the idea.

 

I stalled and kept gently prodding her as I wanted her to own this situation.

I wanted her to be the one to at least sit down with me and speak to him together.

I knew if I simply told him to give me $300.00 or get out it would be thrown back in my face somewhere down the road in a form of resentment.

It would be my fault; I would be the one who threw her eldest son to the wolves.

I wouldn’t have that; I wouldn’t endure years of this kids bull**** to keep my marriage secure to throw it all away on something like that at the endgame.

 

We had set a date for when he had to pay or leave but hadn’t told him yet.

She kept putting it off until I told her we were only hurting him as every day we didn’t tell him was another day he had lost.

Remember, at least intellectually she was in agreement with this plan.

At this statement she suddenly found a backbone and told me she would tell him herself and she did the next day.

 

She informed the boy that he had to pay rent ($300.00) or leave in two months.

That D-Day is coming up the first of May in just a few days.

 

The boy has had two whole months (March & April) to assess his situation and begin to work on what he needs to do in order to keep a roof over his head..

He has done NOTHING.

He goes to school at 11:00AM is home by 3:00PM and spends the entirety of almost every day sitting on the couch playing games/internet/sleeping.

 

I have enlisted the help of his brother who doesn`t want to see him thrown out and the younger boy is now attempting to motivate the older brother to get off his ass.

The only job searching the boy has done has been at the insistence/manipulations of his younger brother and that isn`t much.

So, we have gone from his parents motivating him to now his brother motivating him but the cycle is still the same.

 

I`m going to talk to him tonight to reiterate the fact that we`re dead serious about him paying rent or being out on the first of May.

But his mother is starting to waver the closer it gets to D-Day she seems to be reverting back to the old gullible wretch she has been throughout the boys life.

I feel she won`t stand strong when the first of the month gets here and he has to leave.

This will cause unknowable resentment from me within our marriage.

 

Any advice on what I can do to keep my wifes spine in place throughout this difficult time?

Any advice or thoughts on this whole novel would be appreciated if you actually took the time to read it.

 

Thanks.

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his mother is starting to waver the closer it gets to D-Day she seems to be reverting back to the old gullible wretch she has been throughout the boys life.

I feel she won`t stand strong when the first of the month gets here and he has to leave.

 

this is precisely what the boy is counting on: Mama folding and his life going on uninterrupted.

 

time to practice tough love ... with your wife. Tell her that if she doesn't do something to help him help himself (like following through on tossing his azz out), she's only making things worse for him in the long run.

 

who's gonna want to date and/or even marry a deadbeat still attached to mommy's teat? And what woman in her right mind will take on supporting not only the deadbeat, his children, should he ever find someone willing to partner with him. I guarantee that no matter how much some chicky will want to "change him" for the better, all this negative reinforcement your wife has insisted on all these years is going to cause resentment in that relationship, and spill over into yours, as well as the one between baby boy and his mama.

 

unless she plans on giving him a free ride until one of them dies, she really needs to put her foot down this time.

 

be blunt and ask her what she wants of him for his life: To be her dependent, or to be a man who is able to live independently. Then ask what she plans to do to see that very thing through.

 

good luck – I have the feeling you're going to need all you can get.

Edited by quankanne
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What IS it with some women and their sons? My brother is 37 and lives with our mom. He only pays 200 a month, for everything. Sweet deal. Complete bull****, too.

 

If your wife is willing to end your marriage over the ADULT flopping around your house, tell her that it is counseling or the road. Then, if she refuses, you get a bulldog attorney, get custody of your child you have together and let her and her son live together in bliss forever.

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First off after having a stepfather I don't think I would ever want to become a stepfather.

 

I think you know exactly what will happen, all signs point to him not having a job any time soon and your wife refusing to kick him out.

 

I don't fully understand why you have such resentment toward him, being this way is something that happens to a lot of people. He is probably just depressed. You are trying to help him, but you do it from a position of anger. When I was your sons age I was away at college, but my family paid for my apartment and I wasn't always working a job. I know a lot of people these days who get to live at home until they are 22 at least if they are going to school. Heck I know plenty who live of mommy and daddys money for a long time having there first house purchased for them ect... I say you ease off on your wife.

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hopesndreams

He goes to school at 11:00AM is home by 3:00PM

 

He is doing something with his life. No, he isn't working and no, he won't be paying you rent, because he isn't working. But, he is going to school. There are so many adult kids out there living with mum and dad that do neither of those two things.

 

You will have to relent and come up with another plan. A visit for him to see the family doc for a complete physical. There could be something physical or mental wrong with him. Rule those 2 things out.

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skydiveaddict

Tell him the only he can continue to live at home is to join the Nat'l Guard Or encourage him to join the active duty military.

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I read the OP (usually I don't read long posts)... but this one caught my attention, because I am, in a way, in the same boat... anyway.

 

your stepson.. has ALWAYS been like that.. because he clearly was left on his own.. (his mother not disciplining when he needed to... and you disengaging from the discipline)... I am totally with you.. it wasn't your job to parent her sons.. it was hers..

 

Now.. you expect this young guy to have his **** together in about 2 months.. when he never had to ...

 

I don't get the rent.. why would a student pay rent? where would he get the money?

 

Why now? why not wait till he finish school... when he gets a job.. etc..

 

One more thing..maybe this child has a problem.. has he ever been assessed? How is he socially?

 

From a mother's point of view... she won't be able to throw him on the streets.. come on... I know I couldn't.. and mine is 26.. :o

 

It's easier for a step-parent to say that.. :o

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if nothing changes - nothing changes. you can tell your wife i said that.

 

if she goes back on her agreement, her word means nothing... even to you.

 

is that the kind of character she has? seems like it.

 

we can't keep our kids guarded from growing. she is stunting his growth. he isn't becoming a better person or adult (yes, he's an adult) for her rescuing him from the reality of life. he's supposed to be learning how to survive in the world - not how to use others so he does nothing but mootch off of her.

 

believe me - i know. i did this same thing with my 17 year old son. he stalled on getting a job. wanted money for gas and fun including dates. his preference was to head to the beach. i quit giving him ANY money. i told him if he didn't start working before the end of the month - he was OUT. finally, when HE was uncomfortable enough he did find a job and still has it. he was finally afraid of having to move. he got the job at the 12th hour. he is now productive most days after he gets out o school at noon.

 

change brings new opportunities.

 

this change is only designed to make your step son a better human being. you can remind your wife of that. tell your wife to stop teaching her grown sons to leach off others in order to live... or she could be doing the same thing 30 years from now without any valid reason to complain.

 

we either teach them to grow into capable adults that can support a family or we teach them how to use everyone in order to never be productive.

 

what's her choice? while we're at it - if any other kids are at least 16 years old - they should start working too - even if it's a few hours every weekend at that age.

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When will he be graduating from school? As much as I agree an adult child needs to contribute to the family if they are living at home- he is still in school.

 

As long as I was in school, my parents supported me. As soon as I finished, I was told to get a job and contribute.

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I read the OP (usually I don't read long posts)... but this one caught my attention, because I am, in a way, in the same boat... anyway.

 

your stepson.. has ALWAYS been like that.. because he clearly was left on his own.. (his mother not disciplining when he needed to... and you disengaging from the discipline)... I am totally with you.. it wasn't your job to parent her sons.. it was hers..

 

Now.. you expect this young guy to have his **** together in about 2 months.. when he never had to ...

 

I don't get the rent.. why would a student pay rent? where would he get the money?

 

Why now? why not wait till he finish school... when he gets a job.. etc..

 

One more thing..maybe this child has a problem.. has he ever been assessed? How is he socially?

 

From a mother's point of view... she won't be able to throw him on the streets.. come on... I know I couldn't.. and mine is 26.. :o

 

It's easier for a step-parent to say that.. :o

 

Lizzie - why is a 26 year old not capable of supporting his way of life? why must he live with you?

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He is working but not enough to support himself.. I'm tired of paying for everything... so the best way .. I think, for me, would be to take him with me.. it's not done yet.. he is reluctant.

 

I just can't imagine stopping my help.. and throwing him on the streets.. I just can't... and I bet the OP's wife feels the same..

 

It's easy for strangers to say that.. but for a parent.. it's another story.

 

In my case, I'm almost sure he's got Asperger's syndrome.. :o

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He is working but not enough to support himself.. I'm tired of paying for everything... so the best way .. I think, for me, would be to take him with me.. it's not done yet.. he is reluctant.

 

I just can't imagine stopping my help.. and throwing him on the streets.. I just can't... and I bet the OP's wife feels the same..

 

It's easy for strangers to say that.. but for a parent.. it's another story.

 

In my case, I'm almost sure he's got Asperger's syndrome.. :o

 

asperger's folks are still very bright and capable people.

 

i'm a Mom and i want my boys to understand that i believe in them. i believe they are capable of being solid, productive providers for themselves as they grow up. for their families as they get married. to keep them from the responsibilities in the world isn't realistic. it mentally reinforces their thinking to believe that you find them incapable of making it on their own.

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this is precisely what the boy is counting on: Mama folding and his life going on uninterrupted.

 

Yes, this does seem to be his thinking.

 

time to practice tough love ... with your wife. Tell her that if she doesn't do something to help him help himself (like following through on tossing his azz out), she's only making things worse for him in the long run.

 

This is what I`ve been doing and to her credit she`s been accepting and even owning this point of view.

She agrees tossing him out is the "Best" thing to do.

 

She just seems to be getting a little emotionally shaky as D-Day nears.

 

I`ve seen her ignore what`s "right" in favor of what`s "easy" concerning this boy far too often.

 

good luck – I have the feeling you're going to need all you can get.

 

Thank you, your advice is the route I have planned on taking so far.

It`s good to see I`m not alone in my thinking.

 

What IS it with some women and their sons? My brother is 37 and lives with our mom.

 

Ironically my wife`s brother is 37 and still living with his mom too.

 

This little fact has not gone unnoticed by my wife.

She has voiced a distinct fear that her son is going to end up just like her brother.

 

I didn`t say a word but if that becomes true she`ll not be living with me.

 

I think she knows that.

If not she`ll find out if she crumbles on D-Day.

I will let her know in no uncertain terms.

 

I think you know exactly what will happen, all signs point to him not having a job any time soon and your wife refusing to kick him out.

 

That`s not a given at this point but yes, it does seem headed that way.

That`s why I`m here.

 

I am searching for ideas/advice on how to make that end result less likely.

 

I don't fully understand why you have such resentment toward him, being this way is something that happens to a lot of people. He is probably just depressed. You are trying to help him, but you do it from a position of anger.

 

There is anger and resentment yes but I have not overtly displayed it anywhere within my family.

 

Do they know it`s there?

Most definitely but it`s difficult to remain Mary Poppins when this boy will steal from me, know that I KNOW he stole from me, and then proceed to lie to me about stealing from me in front of my family who also knows he stole from me.

 

I don`t want to go into the plethora of reasons I have for my anger as it will do nothing but devolve into a bitchy rant.

 

Suffice to say I have my reasons and they are valid and not denied by my wife or younger boy who by the way has my admiration and respect for how he`s leading his life.

 

When I was your sons age I was away at college, but my family paid for my apartment and I wasn't always working a job.

 

Yes, you were going to college!!

 

You were doing something, moving forward, you were worthy of your parents time and investment.

Hell you`ve probably turned out to be a fine upstanding individual because of it.

If that were my step son I`d cover his ass indefinitely.

 

This isn`t my step son.

 

My step son goes to school BECAUSE it`s his excuse for doing nothing else.

He has no interest in the classes he takes nor does he have even the most basic understanding necessary to pursue the field he chose.

He`s taken two semesters of graphic arts at the local vocational school.

Last week he couldn`t tell me what a .psd file was.

It`s a photoshop extension, the very first thing you`d learn in any graphic arts class.

I`m paying 8 grand a year for that?

 

My step sons class hours are 11:00 to 2:30PM.

Odd hours, the same class had openings for it`s 7:00AM to 10:30AM at the beginning of the year.

His mother told him to take one of those slots while it was open but of course after the slots are full..."Oh, I forgot... guess thats going to make it more difficult to schedule a job...huh?".

He didn`t want to get up that early.

 

That`s my step son.

 

Heck I know plenty who live of mommy and daddys money for a long time having there first house purchased for them ect... I say you ease off on your wife.

 

I say those people have really ruined their kids most probably at the expense of themselves.

 

I`m not being hard on my wife.

I have slowly and cautiously led her to this point over the course of years.

 

She knows it is right or at least she believes it is right.

She has a history of ignoring whats right concerning this boy.

 

This actually hurts the boy.

He has gotten where he is because he has never had any repercussion for his inaction.

He has always had mom or me bail him out.

I stopped bailing him out a year ago.

 

I believe he is acting the way he is acting now because he has no respect for his mothers word.

She told him what was going to happen.

It appears his only plan at the moment is to depend upon her not keeping her word.

 

That`s pathetic for both of them.

 

You will have to relent and come up with another plan. A visit for him to see the family doc for a complete physical. There could be something physical or mental wrong with him. Rule those 2 things out.

 

This is simply not an option.

There is nothing physically or mentally wrong with him and to be honest it`s not an excuse if there were something physically or mentally wrong with him because in one way or another he has to begin building a life regardless.

 

Now.. you expect this young guy to have his **** together in about 2 months.. when he never had to ...

 

I don't get the rent.. why would a student pay rent? where would he get the money?

 

That`s not the case.

We`ve both been trying to get him to move forward with his life for 3 years.

this didn`t just come up in the past two months.

We have worked with him, talked to him, and taught him, cajoled him, dealt with and been the victim of his manipulations for years over the subject of where he is heading.

 

He would not have graduated had he been allowed to run his course.

He wouldn`t have a drivers license right now if I hadn`t busted my ass and pushed/pulled/threatened/and risked life and limb to get him through the test after three tries!

He`s been driving for a year and a half at the age of twenty and been through two vehicles his mother bought him.

The second one is still sitting derelict in front of my house after I`ve repeatedly asked him to at least push/pull it up to the side of the house for months.

 

I don`t have the energy to live his life for him, I`m old.

 

I think I`ve start that bitchy rant I wanted to avoid.

It`s frustrating and I care what happens to him, it`s just so frustrating.

:(

 

Why now? why not wait till he finish school... when he gets a job.. etc..

 

Because he will do neither.

Accomplishing either of those goals requires some sort of motivation to do so.

He has none, I`m attempting to give him some.

 

One more thing..maybe this child has a problem.. has he ever been assessed? How is he socially?

 

He`s horrible socially.

He pushes meaningful people away from him.

 

He has a girlfriend always has a girlfriend (apparently young girls today lack standards).

He makes a habit of dumping his girlfriend ( whoever that happens to be) at his annual halloween party.

He and his brother have a halloween party every year and every year he has a new victim.

 

I dunno why, I think it`s sick.

 

This party is like his "coming out" or something every year.

My wife has consoled at least two girls on my front stoop over the past few years during this party.

When a mother is telling a crying heartbroken girl her own son is an ass and she`d be better off to just forget about him something is ****ed up.

 

So yes..he has problems.

 

From a mother's point of view... she won't be able to throw him on the streets.. come on... I know I couldn't.. and mine is 26.. :o

 

It`s been done, I Googled it.

:)

You`re single aren`t you Lizzie?

 

Just kidding, but I won`t do this forever if that`s the way it`s meant to be then I guess I`m just biding time.

:(

 

we can't keep our kids guarded from growing. she is stunting his growth. he isn't becoming a better person or adult (yes, he's an adult) for her rescuing him from the reality of life. he's supposed to be learning how to survive in the world - not how to use others so he does nothing but mootch off of her.

 

Yes, this is what I feel is happening.

I agree with your whole post 2 sunny.

Thanks.

 

When will he be graduating from school? As much as I agree an adult child needs to contribute to the family if they are living at home- he is still in school.

 

I don`t believe he will "graduate".

 

Don`t misunderstand me.

He doesn`t need to contribute to the household and the arrangement my wife and I have worked out the money he`d be giving us we would return to him if and when he was in a position in life to use it (Home/car/independence).

 

I don`t want money, I want him to make something of himself.

Do something, anything positive.

 

His solution to all life's problems has always been to fall back on his mother or me.

He is entirely unprepared for life and will not move towards preparing himself.

 

I don`t particularly want him to move out.

I`d be happy with an honest, forward moving young man living in my house with me for as long as it took him to get where he wanted to be.

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your wife is sending him signals by her actions and words that she doesn't have faith that he can accomplish much.

 

the more you expect from him - the more he will be productive as a human being. start making more demands. allow your wife to understand that you will not stand idly by while she assists in ruining his future. she's holding him back. they feed off of each other which is unhealthy.

 

if you expect nothing - you get nothing as a result. your wife can blame no one except herself for her participation in not expecting more from her son.

 

even baby birds leave the nest...

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i'd be sure you don't have valuables around the house that he could start selling to his friends or on craigslist.

 

it happens - more than you'd like to know. start putting the valuables out of his ability to get to them.

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So here you have been quietly tapping your foot for ten years, thinking how perfect your life would be ... if ..

 

Now I am reminded why the radio psychiatrist tells Everyone, don't remarry until your children have grown.. Why punish the children further.

 

Yes he is now an adult (as you have probably been waiting for - to make your move)..

 

And yes these desparate women marry before their children have grown. And maybe you have saved the day by supporting all. So now you are trying to bluff by asking for the $300. ... or out he goes..

 

I remember when I was in the church.. I was going through a divorce and it appeared that my 18 yr old sons were feeling it as well - as the things they were doing and acting out- because of the hurt and rejection they were feeling with their father leaving. I was told that if they didn't respect the rules of the house - out they should go. I am so glad that as a respectable mother with a Heart, that I ignorred these church members - and knew that that was Not of God.

 

They have grown into wonderful loyal and unbelieveably Responsible men.

 

I remember that a relative had a son who they proudly booted out of the house when he was a young adult.. He went through skid row, and later died.

 

I hope your wife continues to realize that her Loyalty for Her Offspring comes before all other ..

 

Another thought, if you want him to have a job - if that is going to solve the problem, get a job for him ..

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Lizzie - why is a 26 year old not capable of supporting his way of life? why must he live with you?

 

-----------------

 

Why Not?

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So here you have been quietly tapping your foot for ten years, thinking how perfect your life would be ... if ..

 

Not at all and I don`t see where you get that from my posting.

My lie is at the moment and has been for the better part of the past ten years as "perfect" as it ever has been.

Yes he is now an adult (as you have probably been waiting for - to make your move)..

 

Again I don`t see where you are getting this from.

You seem to be either projecting or reading something into it that isn`t there.

 

And yes these desparate women marry before their children have grown. And maybe you have saved the day by supporting all. So now you are trying to bluff by asking for the $300. ... or out he goes..

 

I never implied my wife was desperate nor that I have a hero complex.

I`m also not bluffing a bit.

I don`t play games where my family is concerned so I`m not "bluffing" anything

I think you should read my posts if you really wish make comment

 

I remember when I was in the church.. I was going through a divorce and it appeared that my 18 yr old sons were feeling it as well - as the things they were doing and acting out- because of the hurt and rejection they were feeling with their father leaving. I was told that if they didn't respect the rules of the house - out they should go. I am so glad that as a respectable mother with a Heart, that I ignorred these church members - and knew that that was Not of God.

 

Theres the problem, you have god living your life for you.

That`s not an option for me.

 

They have grown into wonderful loyal and unbelieveably Responsible men.

 

As I would like mine to yet he is on the wrong path and refuses to see it.

I`m trying to get him on track.

 

I remember that a relative had a son who they proudly booted out of the house when he was a young adult.. He went through skid row, and later died.

 

So you believe it would be better for me to baby this "man" for the rest of his life to keep him from dying?

I should let the status quo be and let him continue to live a meaningless hollow empty life?

 

Your post doesn`t make a lot of sense.

 

I hope your wife continues to realize that her Loyalty for Her Offspring comes before all other ..

 

Another thought, if you want him to have a job - if that is going to solve the problem, get a job for him ..

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Another thought, if you want him to have a job - if that is going to solve the problem, get a job for him ..

 

I did get a job for him.

He was hired sight unseen on my word where I work.

He never showed up, couldn`t be bothered to fill out the application.

 

I did this against my wife`s wishes as she told me she earlier didn`t want him working at my place of employment because he would make me look bad for vouching for him

 

I should have listened to her.

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I hope your wife continues to realize that her Loyalty for Her Offspring comes before all other ..

 

My wife has 3 kids.

All three of her offspring will suffer because this one boy refuses to become a man.

 

Where does her loyalty lie in such a case?

 

Does she support this one who is doing nothing for himself at the expense of the other two?

 

If it is her loyalty to her offspring that should drive her then she should most definitely tell this oldest one to leave as it is the best step for all three.

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I'm confused here.. Linwood.. are you the one who started this thread as Loki??? I haven't seen the OP back.... but this seems to be your story... I'm confused.. :confused:

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So here you have been quietly tapping your foot for ten years, thinking how perfect your life would be ... if ..

 

Now I am reminded why the radio psychiatrist tells Everyone, don't remarry until your children have grown.. Why punish the children further.

 

Yes he is now an adult (as you have probably been waiting for - to make your move)..

 

And yes these desparate women marry before their children have grown. And maybe you have saved the day by supporting all. So now you are trying to bluff by asking for the $300. ... or out he goes..

 

I remember when I was in the church.. I was going through a divorce and it appeared that my 18 yr old sons were feeling it as well - as the things they were doing and acting out- because of the hurt and rejection they were feeling with their father leaving. I was told that if they didn't respect the rules of the house - out they should go. I am so glad that as a respectable mother with a Heart, that I ignorred these church members - and knew that that was Not of God.

 

They have grown into wonderful loyal and unbelieveably Responsible men.

 

I remember that a relative had a son who they proudly booted out of the house when he was a young adult.. He went through skid row, and later died.

 

I hope your wife continues to realize that her Loyalty for Her Offspring comes before all other ..

 

Another thought, if you want him to have a job - if that is going to solve the problem, get a job for him ..

 

Dear, don't you realize this "kid" has been disadvantaged by his mother's so called loyalty to her offspring? And this doesn't require a step parent to happen. My ex husband is, at almost 40, pulling the same crap the OP's kid is pulling. And both of his parents were married till well past his adulthood. Had they EVER allowed for him to grow up and stand on his own, he might not be this way now.

 

So letting a kid waffle under your wing is in no way showing loyalty to your offspring. You might consider it raising children, but in reality, every parent is raising an adult. That is the goal. To see them to self sufficient adulthood. Remarrying does not make a parent desperate. Married parents who do this same thing will see the same result a single or remarried parent would see if their kid grows up with no expectations.

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I'm confused here.. Linwood.. are you the one who started this thread as Loki??? I haven't seen the OP back.... but this seems to be your story... I'm confused.. :confused:

 

Yes, I started this thread as loki and screwed up my posting under the wrong screen name.

 

My wife knows I post to this board so I was trying to maintain a bit of anonymity but decided it doesn`t really matter at this point.

 

So I apologize for any misunderstanding about my mix up.

 

:(

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Oh OK.. thanks for the explanation... now you'll need a new username (for the anonimity :p:laugh:)

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Oh OK.. thanks for the explanation... now you'll need a new username (for the anonimity :p:laugh:)

 

I decided I don`t need it.

 

I`m not saying anything here I need to keep secret.

 

Thanks Lizzie.

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