Is this bad parenting?

[Valdar]

Hi everyone,

 

As part of my divorce (not my choice), my ex was required to leave the state I live in. I let her take my son (despite other issues, she's a great mother) so I could get back to something resembling a normal life. She moved back to where her family and friends are.

 

I visit him every 3 weeks for about 3 days at a time and he comes to stay with me twice a year for about 2 weeks each time. He's 3 right now and I've been doing this for 2 years.

 

I pay double the child support requirement, all his medical, and for all his activities. I do this so that she doesn't have to work, can spend a lot of time with him, and focus on her school to get a degree and improve her situation.

 

My ex said she could move back to my state, but she would have to be close by to me because her friends are around here, otherwise she has no support. I told her that she has to be 2 hours away because I can't fully trust her and it'll make my girlfriend very uncomfortable (been together 1 year and very serious).

 

I want my son closer and it emotionally tears me apart every time I leave him...

 

I could see him every day with the risk of having my current relationship and life disrupted by the ex. I've told the ex that I will take him back, without her, and have him live with me. But she won't accept that.

 

My question is: Am I being a bad parent by not doing everything I can to be closer to him?

[bentnotbroken]

Only you can answer that. Have you done everything? What value do you place on the relationship with your child? It seems you are doing the best you can. Maybe you should talk with your current partner and explain what you want to do in regards to your child and then sit down and work out a game plan. In all honesty, if she loves you and trusts you there is no reason for her not to want you to be closer to your child.

[threebyfate]

I wonder how enthusiastic your ex-wife would be about having full child custody, if you didn't do this:

 

I pay double the child support requirement, all his medical, and for all his activities.

 

Food for thought.

[Ronni_W]

My question is: Am I being a bad parent by not doing everything I can to be closer to him?

In my opinion, no, you're definitely NOT being a "bad" parent!

You're doing the best you can under challenging circumstances.

 

You're still self-obligated and responsible for taking care of all your (other) mental, emotional, physical and spiritual needs, and ensuring that you're putting in effort to build a happy, inspirational, fulfilling life for yourself. That includes being able to have a romantic relationship that helps you learn, grow, laugh and love.

 

Your son will benefit more by having a happy and contented Dad who knows what it takes to be happy, who knows that life can sometimes be complicated, who knows how to make tough life choices -- you'll be much better able to guide your son through his own life experiences if you do a good job of it for your Self. IMO.

[Meaplus3]

Not at all. You sound like a super, caring father who is trying to make the most of the distance. Give yourself some credit, because I give you credit for having to deal with the distance. My best to you.

 

Mea:)

[Lizzie60]

Not at all.. you are a great father.. you pay double alimony just so the child can have his mother full time... that is honorable of you...

 

Only you know if you can allow her to move closer.. what makes you believe that it would be a problem.. it would be much easier for you and you could see your son a lot more..

[Valdar]

Thanks for the support everyone. I don't really have anyone to turn to who can understand my situation so it's good to hear something, even if from strangers.

 

I wonder how enthusiastic your ex-wife would be about having full child custody, if you didn't do this:

 

I pay double the child support requirement, all his medical, and for all his activities.

 

Food for thought.

 

I've thought about cutting her off and going down to the bare minimum, but I can't bring myself to deprive my son of anything.

 

For what I pay her, I could hire a live in nanny to watch him all the time.

 

On the plus side, when he goes to college it'll be an easy transition to making tuition payments.

[D-Lish]

I guess I don't quite understand why your ex wife has to be 2 hours away from you...?

 

I think it's great that you pay- but wouldn't you want to see your son more often given the chance?

 

Just curious what this "2 hours" distance away is all about.

[Valdar]

I guess I don't quite understand why your ex wife has to be 2 hours away from you...?

 

I think it's great that you pay- but wouldn't you want to see your son more often given the chance?

 

Just curious what this "2 hours" distance away is all about.

 

I would love to see him more given the chance, and this is why I'm so torn about it.

 

The 2 hours thing is so that she's not close enough to disrupt my life. When she was close by, prior to divorce, there were several incidents that made it difficult to function normally. This is the reason our divorce agreement states that she had to leave the state.

 

Also, my type of work makes it very difficult to spend time with my son on short notice (I need to know at least a few days in advance). I think she would start dropping him off on me whenever she felt like it and then making me feel like a bad parent for not being able to watch him whenever she wanted.

[Ronni_W]

Valdar,

Reading between the lines, you are making the BEST possible decision for your son by ensuring, as far as can be assessed and is within your power, that there is sufficient physical distance so that his mom cannot act out in ways that could/would ultimately be detrimental to his mental, emotional and spiritual development and well-being.

 

For it to have been (divorce) court-ordered for her to leave the state speaks volumes, IMO.

 

You are being the BEST parent, making tough decisions that are in your son's best interests while necessitating you to sacrifice time spent with him.

[threebyfate]

I've thought about cutting her off and going down to the bare minimum, but I can't bring myself to deprive my son of anything.

 

For what I pay her, I could hire a live in nanny to watch him all the time.

 

On the plus side, when he goes to college it'll be an easy transition to making tuition payments.

How do you figure your son will be deprived, if he comes to live with you?

 

For that matter, this doesn't make sense, in that how is she going to school and also, taking care of him? She must already be using some form of external child care.

 

Think about it this way. IF she's suddenly enthusiastic about giving up custody to you when you pay the bare minimum, are your son's best interests really being met?

[nittygritty]

Did a judge order your ex to move out-of-state with the child and award her a higher amount of child support than what is legally required in your state or did you and your ex agree that she was to move out-of-state with the child in exchange for a higher amount of child support?

 

How is it in your 3 year old son's best interests to be living 2 or more hours away from you?

[Valdar]

How do you figure your son will be deprived, if he comes to live with you?

 

For that matter, this doesn't make sense, in that how is she going to school and also, taking care of him? She must already be using some form of external child care.

 

Think about it this way. IF she's suddenly enthusiastic about giving up custody to you when you pay the bare minimum, are your son's best interests really being met?

 

My original quote was that I couldn't deprive my son by cutting off her child support to see if she'll let him live with me. I'm not sure that by cutting her off that she'll give him up and I don't know if I could put her through that just to test it. However, I would love to find the answer to that question if it didn't hurt her.

 

And she does have external child care a few days a week, which I pay for as well.

[threebyfate]

My original quote was that I couldn't deprive my son by cutting off her child support to see if she'll let him live with me. I'm not sure that by cutting her off that she'll give him up and I don't know if I could put her through that just to test it. However, I would love to find the answer to that question if it didn't hurt her.

 

And she does have external child care a few days a week, which I pay for as well.

I'm just looking at this pragmatically, rather than a need to hurt or harm. Why shell out when it's unnecessary?

 

If you're satisfied with the status quo, then leave it alone. I personally wouldn't do what you're doing. I'd rather any child I had, stay with the parent that wants them for themselves, considering the child's best interests, rather than leaving the child with a parent who might or might not have the child's best interests in mind.

 

I would perceive your actions as enabling her ability to avoid responsibility for herself, by finding a a good job. What you may find is that she remains a student until the bitter end. How good this is for your child, as a role model, only you can know best.

[Valdar]

Did a judge order your ex to move out-of-state with the child and award her a higher amount of child support than what is legally required in your state or did you and your ex agree that she was to move out-of-state with the child in exchange for a higher amount of child support?

 

It wasn't a judge's order. It was the only way I would sign the divorce agreement. In exchange, she got a lot of money, a paid off car, and I agreed to pay additional money for his childcare and medical expenses.

 

How is it in your 3 year old son's best interests to be living 2 or more hours away from you?

 

This is why I feel like a bad parent. If he's closer, I'll get to see him more, but then the ex will be closer and she could go back to making my life miserable again. So at two hours I figure it's close enough that I can see him at least every weekend, but too far for her to drop by whenever she wants.

[Valdar]

I would perceive your actions as enabling her ability to avoid responsibility for herself, by finding a a good job. What you may find is that she remains a student until the bitter end. How good this is for your child, as a role model, only you can know best.

 

We have an addendum to our agreement that says I'll pay additional money for her school, but she has until the end of 2012 to get her degree. If she doesn't, then she owed me the money back.

 

You raise a good point though. The current situation I perceive as her being able to spend more time with him as being a good thing. But maybe you're right...

[silverfish]

I'm not sure.....

 

If you didn't have the ability to pay her all this money, and the settlement you paid her as part of the divorce, she wouldn't have moved away right?

 

Something about it makes me a little uncomfortable. I can understand why you might not want to deal with her, but do you think that it would have been possible to resolve the issues with her after things calmed down?

 

I have an ex who was very difficult in the past, but we've both moved on since then, and get on very well now. We have agreements as to visitation, who deals with sickness, time off work and so on. It works pretty well most of the time. You can set whatever boundaries you need to suit your situation, assuming your exW is capable of respecting that, which possibly isn't the case.

 

It has to be better for your son to be nearer to you. Why do you think it would jeopardise your relationship with your GF to have him nearer? Has she met your son?

[threebyfate]

We have an addendum to our agreement that says I'll pay additional money for her school, but she has until the end of 2012 to get her degree. If she doesn't, then she owed me the money back.

 

You raise a good point though. The current situation I perceive as her being able to spend more time with him as being a good thing. But maybe you're right...

If all your payments are cast in stone, in a legal agreement, you're bound by law to continue paying, unless you want to dispute it.

 

I do like the idea that she has to get her degree or it's a money back situation. Hopefully, her degree is a useful one, defined within the agreement, rather than basketweaving or hair netting...

[Clep]

I have read through this thread and am wondering a couple of things.

 

If you feel your ex will make your life difficult by living closer via her behavior why do you feel your child is has good care with her?

 

Why are you making your relationship with your current partner more important than being close to your child and seeing him every day? Have you talked with her about it?

 

I don't see what the child support does for your relationship with your child. I see what it does for him on a daily basis, but the real issue here is your relationship with him isn't it?

 

Sounds to me like you used money to pay her off and get her farther away from you, but you also chose to have your child farther from you.

 

I believe your relationship with your child is the most important thing to your child and it takes time and as much interaction with him to do that in the ways he needs. I think your child would be better off if his parents were closer together and he saw you each equally.

 

I would ask myself in your situation if my child was surviving the current situation or thriving. If he isn't thriving, I would go to the ends of the earth to ensure he was.

[fooled once]

Something very badly must have been happening for you to only agree to the divorce if she moved out of state.

 

But, that was a couple years ago, right? Any chance she may have grown up and those behaviors have changed?

 

Is your child safe with her?

 

legally, you only have to pay state guidelines and that can be changed.

 

IF the agreement of her moving closer is allowed, so would a reduction in c/s, I would imagine.

 

But I am very curious as to what transpired so badly that you needed her and your child since the child lives with her, to be OUT of state.

 

Was she threatening to you?

 

I guess I am still not clear on things ----

 

I would petition for joint physical custody and a reduction in c/s.

[ADF]

It is simply impossible to answer your question without more information. For a court to require an ex-spouse to leave the state, something very unusual must have been going on. You're post is just too vague.

[LynnM28]

In my opinion, no, you're definitely NOT being a "bad" parent!

You're doing the best you can under challenging circumstances.

 

You're still self-obligated and responsible for taking care of all your (other) mental, emotional, physical and spiritual needs, and ensuring that you're putting in effort to build a happy, inspirational, fulfilling life for yourself. That includes being able to have a romantic relationship that helps you learn, grow, laugh and love.

 

Your son will benefit more by having a happy and contented Dad who knows what it takes to be happy, who knows that life can sometimes be complicated, who knows how to make tough life choices -- you'll be much better able to guide your son through his own life experiences if you do a good job of it for your Self. IMO.

 

I agree with this whole heartedly...you can not care for the needs of another when you are not caring for your own...just like when the flight attendant tells you to fix your own oxygen mask before that of your child...your emotional well being is the same IMHO...

[Whyme_wtf]

IMO it sounds like there is more to this that we will ever know.

Requiring distance IMO is not a positive thing. We all have things that we need to work with as opposed to running or pushing them away.

I don't understand why you don't want more time with your child. The comments about your ex and your current SO seem like excuses.

Your child needs you first and foremost. Spend as much time as you can, while you can. Make the hard sacrifices to be a good connected father.

Money, support, doing things so your ex can provide is one thing.

Don't sell yourself short on a relationship that only YOU can have with your child.

It is YOU being there that forms the bond, not the money, not the agreement, not the addendum.

Stand up for what you want and need to give your child.

[sally4sara]

Hi everyone,

 

As part of my divorce (not my choice), my ex was required to leave the state I live in. I let her take my son (despite other issues, she's a great mother) so I could get back to something resembling a normal life. She moved back to where her family and friends are.

 

I visit him every 3 weeks for about 3 days at a time and he comes to stay with me twice a year for about 2 weeks each time. He's 3 right now and I've been doing this for 2 years.

 

I pay double the child support requirement, all his medical, and for all his activities. I do this so that she doesn't have to work, can spend a lot of time with him, and focus on her school to get a degree and improve her situation.

 

My ex said she could move back to my state, but she would have to be close by to me because her friends are around here, otherwise she has no support. I told her that she has to be 2 hours away because I can't fully trust her and it'll make my girlfriend very uncomfortable (been together 1 year and very serious).

 

I want my son closer and it emotionally tears me apart every time I leave him...

 

I could see him every day with the risk of having my current relationship and life disrupted by the ex. I've told the ex that I will take him back, without her, and have him live with me. But she won't accept that.

 

My question is: Am I being a bad parent by not doing everything I can to be closer to him?

 

Well, if she does move back to the state you live in, you don't really have much of a say in where she lives. To try to do so for little reason beyond your sex life isn't really keeping your priorities straight. If your GF can't be supportive of your efforts to being available to your son, she isn't the best partner for you. You will need to find a GF who cares about the relationship you have with your son even if she isn't the mother. Getting wrapped up in some turf war feelings over your ex is a short sighted view.

 

Eventually your son will be an adult and who you had him with won't be much of an issue. Your relationship with your son is for life. Your relationship with his mother will end up regulated to almost nothing. You will see her at graduation, if the boy gets married and whatnot.

 

A GF making a fuss now about how close your exwife lives is petty and selfish. Its your son, whoever you date will be in your son's life - be very choosy with this in mind. Don't be surprised if once he gets around the age of 13 - 15, he finds a need to bond more closely with you. He might seek to live with you out of a need for masculine guidance. If you've prioritized your sex life over being his dad, he might not feel very connected with you. And if you've chosen a GF who is petty, he might not feel welcomed enough to want to live with you. And that would really suck if, at that age, he really needed more male influences in his life and ended up gravitating to some shady folks because he felt his dad didn't care or want him around so often.

 

Now if your ex is psycho and likely to pick fights on your lawn with anyone you date, you might need a restraining order of some type keeping her from dropping off or picking the boy up from your home and requiring it to be done at a nearby public spot instead.

[Whyme_wtf]

My ex said she could move back to my state, but she would have to be close by to me because her friends are around here, otherwise she has no support. I told her that she has to be 2 hours away because I can't fully trust her and it'll make my girlfriend very uncomfortable (been together 1 year and very serious).

 

 

I could see him every day with the risk of having my current relationship and life disrupted by the ex. I've told the ex that I will take him back, without her, and have him live with me. But she won't accept that.

 

The more I read this, the more petty selfishness I hear.

You each have a responsibility to your child first and foremost!