what to do about my childs father and his girlfriend

[kimmie1212]

i am in a very difficult situation that i am going to end up really doing something that is not good. my little girl will be four in july. i have raised her on my own since day one with a great deal of help from my great mom. in december, i found out who the father was. when i got pregnant, i told this guy that i was. he went crazy and i decided to do this on my own. he has settled down alot since then. i decided that my girl needed to know who her father was. so i went to him and asked him if he would do a test to know for sure. i told him i diden't want anything from him and he diden't have to take responsibility.

 

he wanted to know and take his part if he was the father. well, he told his gf and she couldn't believe this. she did not like it at all. she was very jealous of our daughter because she wanted his first child. mind you, she has a 6 yr. child from previous marriage. he told her that he was going to take care of our child and if she didn't like it she could go. he told me that she got mad because he took her picture out of the front of his wallet and put our girls picture there.

 

i told him that i just wanted them to get to know each other and be comfortable. 2 months had gone by and i asked him if he would pay her daycare. that's all i asked of him. he said o.k. he started keeping her on the weekends and didn't follow through on paying daycare. i asked him about it and he said that you wasen't going to ask of anything that you just wanted us to get to know each other.

 

yes, i said that, but they know each other and it's time for him to take care of his child. we made a agreement that he will pay dc which is 320. a month and he gets her every weekend or whenever he likes. well, i stuck to my end and he diden't. he went to a lawyer and we was going to have this written in legal terms and i said o.k. he never went through with it.

 

so, i finally went to friend of the court in april to start child support. i lost my job in march because of point system and having to miss work to take care of our child. he called me and was yelling at me and telling me i wasen't a good mother and all i wanted now was for him to pay my bills since i lost my job. no, i just wanted him to help me take care of our girl. which my bills are her bills too.

 

mind you, he getting her on the weekends while all of this is going on. he got served the papers and went ang got a lawyer. well, he wanted visitation rights and i know he is entitled. i never kept him from seeing her. so, now he has visitation rights and i'm still not getting any child support because his lawyer is dragging it out as long as he can.

 

now, the situation of thegirlfriend. he has told me that they never get along and fight all the time. he was going to give her six months for the fighting to stop. then he told me that he doesn't approve of the way she treats her child and talks to her. that he would not have a kid this woman.

 

there are feelings between us but we both are in a relationship. we talked about if something ever happened that we would like to try and be the real true family. but i do not put any efford in it because he is with someone . it is the farthest thing from my mind.

 

his girlfriend does not have custody of her own child. they get both of their kids on the same weekend so they can play and be out of thier hair. when i call, she is very ****ty and hateful on the phone. i let it go. she makes it a point one day to be the one that picks up my child from my house to make me mad. i was nice and let it go.

 

she made it a point to bring some of my girls clothes back one day all bleached out and had the nerve to tell me that i diden't have to send clothes any more because she bought clothes for her. i let it go. but who does she think she is telling me what to do and how to dress my child. what a bitch!!!!!

 

she has been telling him that i am hateful to her when i call over ther. so he called and wanted to talk and i said we need to. she got mad that day because my mother stopped by to let our girl give her daddy a picture and the gf got real mad and said what is she going to do , bring her by here all tha time. my mother was just trying to give him the love that this little girl has for her daddy. he told the gf if she wanted to stop by she could. but then here he is telling me that it is causeing conflict. what????

that we don't have to give him gifts. i said that is your little girl wanting to give you something.

 

i have decided to stop letting her call and talk to him because it causes conflict(mind you, he doesn't even call during the week to talk to her). i stopped my mother from taking her over there and us buying him anything so he can live peaceful with his gf. maybe, one day he will realize what his gf is doing.

 

the whole point is she wants him to be the daddy to her girl and our girl is in the way. her girl already calls him step-daddy. he does not spend one on one time with our daughter. its always him, our girl, and the other girl. i don't think that's fair to our girl having to share when they are not married and don't intend to.

 

but, i'm to the point that i am going to kick the gf ass and put her in her place. she is not going to interfere and tell me how to raise my child. if he wants her to run the show there than that's fine, but she better sit her ass down when it comes to me. i am the mother and she better get use to it because i'm not going anywhere. i will die for my child and will do what it takes to make her happy and safe.

 

i need advice on what and how to deal with the gf before i end up doing something that i will regret. this situation is going to keep on until i confronther or do something. please, any advice would be greatly needed.

 

kimmie1212

[zman]

Wow, this is all very complicated and totally screwed up.

 

On the one hand, it was disingenuous for you to tell the father that he wouldn't have any responibility for your child and all you wanted was for him to have a relationship with her. But then you change your mind and want child support. So basically you lied. But he should have known this would happen. Still, I can understand how he would feel resentful because you tricked him into taking responsibility for his kid in a backhanded manner.

 

On the other hand, you are certainly entitled to his financial support, and he should step up to the plate and start paying. And he should be able to visit with the child.

 

His gf is mad because she thought she was getting a guy free of any baggage, and then you come back into his life with a kid. I'm sure she feels cheated and resentful. Still it's not an excuse for her acting bitchy.

 

Is sounds like there is plenty of resentment to go around. It also sounds like you are sometimes being a little passive agressive and pushing both their buttons, knowing they will get upset at you. Then you can say "what?" and play the victim, like you are totally innocent, when you are not.

 

You can't control what goes on when your kid visits her father, but you don't need to complicate things by sending your mother over there or whatever. Just get the money from him and let him visit the kid and don't worry about anything else. Try to stay out of their lives as much as possible beyond this.

[kimmie1212]

Thank you very much for your insight on my sad situation. It's has helped me see the light on some things. About the money situation, when we found out that the child was his, he was ready to take resonsibility and I was so glad of that. I told him to just spend time with her and get to know one another and then we will deal with the support and visitation. He was fine with that. He diden't want to go through the court system and I was fine with that. We made a deal that he would pay her daycare every month and he could see her whenever he wanted to. I was totally fine with that. When he called to see if he can see her, I let him. When I went to daycare to pick her up, the daycare was not payed. I had to pay it. This went on for over a month. I asked him why he wasen't paying and he said I told him that he diden't have to pay anything. I told him we made a agreement and he backed out. I told him a child does not come free!!!! Still to this day, I have let him see her every time he has called and he pays nothing. So I did what I had to do and went through the court system. I went in the first of April and today he is still fighting it. We went through the court and we have joint custody and I'm happy with that. It's his child too. But, he will not turn over his information for the child support. His lawyer his holding out as long as he can. I just think that it is so ****ty of him wanting to see her and not help take care of him. He told me he wasen't going to pay my bills for me. What he doesn't understand is that my bills are his childs bills too.

 

Alot has happened with the girlfriend situation since I last posted. She and I got in a big arguement on the phone one day because the father came to pick our child up and I told him to never hand me a muddy pair of shoes like he did the other day because I don't give him our child without a bath or muddy shoes. I thought it was very disrespectful and until he spends money for a good pair of shoes like the ones he handed to me all meddy then don't get mad about it. He went home and told the gf and she called me bitchin. I told her to hold up one minute that this was between me and the father. If he can't talk to me about it and be a man don't you be calling in his place.

 

Well, we stopped yelling and started to listen to each other. She has a six yr old girl also. Come to find out, he was telling me one thing and going back and telling her another. In the beginning he wanted to get together and be the real family, but we were both in relationships and I was happy in mine, but he wasen't. He told me that he had it in the back of his mind that our child was his. He told her that I was making moves on him and I wanted us to be together and it was the total opposite. I told her the truth that it was him wanting that because she had the right to know. He told her that he had no clue that he had a child. That was a lie also. I explained the whole situation about when I got pregnant and I told him I was and he went crazy. I told her I diden't need someone like that through my pregnancy and that's why I diden't push him. I was going to get through myself and that's what I did. So we both figured out he was playing the game of having us to be jealous of each other and to have us fight. Well, his game back fired on him and we are cool with each other. We are not going to be best friends, but we will communicate with each other about my child.

 

I don't know how theings are between them and don't care. It's none of my business. She was going to confront him about all the things we talked about. I told her that I do not want to interfere in their relationship by no means, but when it comes to my child I will be there. My child is my life and I'm going to do what it takes when it comes to her.

 

It's just so hard on me because I stuck with my word and let him see her every time and he doesn't want to help take care of her. He has no problem paying the bills for her child, why does he have so much of a problem supporting his own child? Can you please help me understand that? Why is he wanting me and that gf to hate each other? Please, can anyone help me understand this!!!!!!!!! I just want my child to have a great life and keep her from all pain and suffering in the world as much as possible!!!!!!!!!

 

kimmie1212

[zman]

Who knows what he's thinking. He sounds like he's being a jerk. He probably does not want to pay to support both kids, or maybe he can't really afford it. How much money does he make anyways? Maybe he doesn't want to say no but just can't afford it all.

 

He's probably very stressed out by all this at this point and wants to have it both ways, and have both you and the other girl like him, and his way of trying to do that is by saying to each of you that he really likes you and not the other girl.

 

He's got some tough decisions to make. I just hope he doesn't do anything illegal trying to come up with a bunch of money.

[rclynn]

I had kind of the same situation...... The way I handled it was I would have NO contact what-so-ever with her..... I only dealt with him... if she called me, I would just say "this is me and Jeff's child, until your name appears on her birth certificate, it is none of your business" and i would hang up....... that's what i said EVERYTIME she called, and she got tired of me not yelling back or even talking to her, and she quit calling....

 

You also need to have a talk with the child's father, and tell him what you expect....... as far as the visitation thing goes, is that court ordered already? and he's dragging his feet on the child support issue?? Your attorney can get the information as far as income from his employer, you odn't have to wait for his attorney to provide it....... You should have gotten the support issue taken care of before the visitation issue..... Also, ask your attorney about withholding visitation... When my ex wouldn't pay his child support on time, (his support had to be paid by the 1st of the month) well, when he woudlnt' have it paid by the 1st, my attorney told me that i could withhold visitation until it was paid..... Twice my ex tried taking me to court for contempt because I was withholding court ordered visitation, and both times it was dismissed becasue it came out that he hadn't paid his support...... So talk to your attorney about that too!!!