Stepson keeps believing his bio father's lies

[QWERTY]

Hi,

 

My wife has two stepchildren - 15 y.o. son and 13 y.o daughter from a previous marriage.

 

For the 4 years that I've been in the picture, the bio father has repeatedly:

 

-repeatedly told his kids things that to an outside person are obvious lies,

-made bold promises to the kids that he doesn't keep, and

-when he's confronted, twisted things around to save face or hide his deceit.

 

Their mother and I strongly feel that you shouldn't speak badly about the other parent, and that the children should be left to come to their own conclusions. So we've bitten our tongue and just tried to support the kids when their feelings are hurt and to teach them right from wrong without singling their father out.

 

Now my stepdaughter has, on her own, come to see through her father's deception -- she chose to live with us full-time, and has expressed a lot of pain and frustration about her father's lying ways. We support her the best we can and try and get her to see that her father loves her the best he can too, but she's made up her mind.

 

But the son is another matter. He decided to live with his father full time after his father promised him a bunch of cool things if he did so (which never happened). But my stepson still doesn't see through the lies he is being told. Perhaps worse, he brags about his father all the time -- he says "Dad's going to do this" or "Dad promised me that" each time we see him, and then it never happens.

 

It's becoming painful for me -- I feel like we're doing him a real disservice by not helping him to understand the difference between lies and truth, between meaningful promises and empty ones and between bragging and being justifiably proud of your accomplishments.

 

The most recent example was this weekend, when my stepson told us that his father donated $1500 to help the people in Haiti. While we can't be certain this is a lie, any donation (let alone one that big) would be completely out of character for his father, so we're 99% sure it's a lie. In this case it's not so bad -- at least he's lying for a good cause , but it was hard to sit there and say, "oh, good for him -- he's supporting an important cause" when I'm pretty sure it's bull***.

 

My wife and I are quite concerned that if my stepson hasn't figured it out by 15, he's not going to figure it out. His father's parents are exactly the same way, and it seems like my stepson is doomed to follow in the same footsteps.

 

We really want him to live a life he is proud of and not have to lie to feel better about himself, but I don't think that's going to happen unless we intervene. But at this stage is there any point? He may just end up resenting us... is it worth the risk?

Edited January 24, 2010 by QWERTY

[FryFish]

No. You just want an excuse to call the ******* out. You dont really believe that your stepson is at some sort of imagined risk. Live and let live and learn.

[Ronni_W]

QWERTY,

That's a tough one! I totally get that it is almost impossible to determine what is the "highest good" in this situation.

 

In which case, maybe the highest good at this stage is simply to continue protecting your stepson from being forced to face, and deal with, his dad's flaws and imperfections?

 

The kid is going to be disappointed. It's just a matter of time. But he's still just a kid, and those kind of lessons can wait a few more years. At the same time, I'd not be at all surprised if he doesn't already have a very good idea and just needs to be in denial about it.

It's not like he doesn't already know all the times that he's been left disappointed. Also, if he has any type of relationship with his sister, they've probably shared opinions about their dad...he likely has heard her views, and is obviously not ready to buy into that.

 

In the meantime, you can be arming him with the info and skills he's going to need whenever he's ready to admit to himself that his dad is a screw-up and a phony -- how to love imperfect people, accept them with their flaws, have compassion for their weaknesses, and forgive them when they betray our trust and bitterly disappoint us.

 

As well as, how to love HIMSELF with all his own imperfections, flaws and weaknesses -- that is how he's going to grow up proud and without any need to lie to "cover up" his less desirable bits and pieces.

 

I think, yes. More likely that he will redirect/misdirect his disappointment and anger, and make you the target of his resentment if you try to "help" him see his Dad in a more accurate light. You would be running that risk...and leaving the kid without the foundation of your unwavering support, love, compassion and acceptance, too. Maybe the "highest good" is just for you to keep role-modeling those types of things?

[QWERTY]

Thanks Ronni_W. That's excellent advice.

 

And I think you're right that he's in denial. I've always found seeing someone in denial frustrating and I think that's why I'm struggling now... but agreed that he's still just a kid and needs that right now. So I won't disrupt that and hopefully he'll come out of it when he's ready to do so.

 

We've talked with my stepdaughter about accepting people's flaws, but not really with my stepson. And you're right -- he's going to need to learn to accept his own flaws too, so it makes sense to work with him on that now and focus our energies there.

 

FryFish -- I'm not sure if you're trolling or just working through your own set of issues, but your anger is apparent. Good luck to you.

[FryFish]

Sorry, I meant to seem blunt not angry. You have issues with your stepsons dad and you want your stepson to have those same issues... But the two relationships are entirely different. Its not your place to poison their relationship.

[Eve]

Keep being a good example to the boy. At least he is telling you whats going on. In time he will work it out.. 15 is still quite a vulnerable age. As a primary role model to him, maybe take him places alone to inspire him to know that he can lean on you. Dont lose confidence in what you believe is happening here.

 

My Hubbys boys were the same for a while. Thier Mum is a serial cheater but they defended her excuses for the trail of broken marriages she left behind until one day they just simply couldnt cover for her anymore... and came home to us. It is good that you have let the boy find out for himself and not tried to poisen his mind.. well done! Certainly not an easy task. He will have greater chances of sustaining secure atachments later in life once he has worked through what all this means to him.

 

Of course, he could just be wired to be like his Dad but as hard as it is, please dont say this to him in anger. But yeah, at least he is sharing things with you, which I would say is a good sign.

 

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[QWERTY]

Thanks for your thoughts and sharing your story Eve. I agree that it's good that he still shares with us. And agreed that he's still young and that there's time for him to figure things out for himself.

 

It really all does come back to him being in denial. That, and I think deep down he's desperate for his Dad's unconditional love and approval, which is something he's never gotten. So he's willing to keep forgiving and forgetting in the hope that he'll get it.

 

He does give little signs every now and then that he doesn't accept his Dad's behaviour and that he's learning from our example... or at least that he understands the difference.

 

So hopefully he will learn to think more critically about those things as he gets older and be able to make good choices about his own behaviour and right vs. wrong as a result. I guess I just need to let him do that when he's ready and focus more on helping him to love and accept himself.

[SuburbanOblivion]

Boys are always a bit slow to cop on to things, don't ya think? Just keep being the constant in his life, and have faith he'll understand one day.

[2sure]

My ex is a real piece of work. Assume whatever you wish , and the answer is BINGO. Our daughter has always lived with me, and visited him. I have always tried to take the high road, not been critical of him, and tried to ignore his senseless accusations of me. For my daughter. Like you, I figured the best thing to do was let her figure him out for herself. And she did. Before she actually did, it was hard though. I wanted her to know he was "tricky", that he could not really be counted on...just so she would know not to expect too much and that he loved her regardless of his faults. So, now things are good. She has a realistic idea that she has to take him with a grain of salt and loves him anyway.

 

I remarried and the biggest conflict seems to lie with my current H. He has been a good step father to her , however (possibly because he has no children of his own) he has become a bit "jealous" that my ex can be such a jerk but my daughter holds him in " Daddy" regard anyway.

Edited January 27, 2010 by 2sure

[QWERTY]

So, now things are good. She has a realistic idea that she has to take him with a grain of salt and loves him anyway.

 

Congratulations! That's the point I'd like both my stepchildren to get to... a) to accept that their father has flaws, b) to understand and be aware of those flaws but not be taken in by (or repeat) them, but c) to love him anyway and just understand that he, like the rest of us has our flaws, challenges and weaknesses.

 

I remarried and the biggest conflict seems to lie with my current H. He has been a good step father to her , however (possibly because he has no children of his own) he has become a bit "jealous" that my ex can be such a jerk but my daughter holds him in " Daddy" regard anyway.

 

I knew going into this situation that as long as the birth parent is in the picture, a child will (almost) always love them more than a step parent. It's amazing what children will put up with from a parent, because deep down they just desperately want the parent to treat them respect and give them unconditional love.

 

I think a lot of it is biological (if the birth parents are there from the start, the child forms a strong bond with each of them that is difficult to break), but society also plays a part. I can't count the number of times as a child that I saw a great father-son relationship in a TV show and wished I could have that with my own father.

 

My wife and I have chosen to not have our children, and it does make me sad sometime that I won't have that special bond that natural parents have with their children. But that's a separate issue than my stepchildren and their father, so hopefully your husband can learn to separate them too.

Edited January 27, 2010 by QWERTY

[Ronni_W]

I can't count the number of times as a child that I saw a great father-son relationship in a TV show and wished I could have that with my own father.

QWERTY,

I'm just reading between the lines here...so please forgive and ignore if this is totally off-base. But.

 

It sounds like you've got an important story to share with your (step) son...honest and sensitive revelation of which may well help you two bond, and help him understand so much more about "real life" father-son relationships.

 

Maybe?

 

Edit: (While I'm sticking my nose up your biz, I may as well go all the way, right? <lol>) Also perhaps to share your hopes and dreams for your son, and your fears. In a non-judgmental way and not at all mentioning his biological dad. I get that you guys are doing an amazing parenting job. But I find sometimes parents forget to share the deeper emotional stuff of life, for want of "protecting" and fear of "harming". If that makes sense?

Edited January 27, 2010 by Ronni_W

[fooled once]

I say stay out of it.

 

It isn't 'hurting' him to believe this stuff, and like the others, I don't think he is believing it.

 

But dad is "hero" to him. I think he senses the tension between you and his dad and he is always (probably) going to stand up and defend his dad.

 

Just nod and say "that's nice". Let him work out this stuff as he gets older.

 

For what it's worth - I have two step kids who think their mother is the bomb when in reality, she is nothing but a pathetic almost 50 year old loser who can't get a job, can't keep a job and has nothing. But to her kids, she is cool and their buddy.

 

So just go with the flow, be a good role model and please don't criticize his father to him.

[QWERTY]

Thanks Ronni_W and fooled once... your advice is appreciated.

 

Ronni_W you make a very valid point... there's no reason I can't talk about my own experiences with my father with him. My father passed away several years ago, so that would be a very good approach for helping him to someday forgive his Dad's flaws. Actually, that would be a good conversation to have with my stepdaughter too. I'll have to do it in a way that doesn't reference his father, but I think I can do that. So thanks again!

 

And fooled once, we've been doing the "that's nice" thing too... it just feels like I'm not doing the right thing. I keep having this feeling that my stepson's going to start doing the same thing, and go down the same unhappy path in life his father has, and then I will be filled with guilt that I didn't do something to get him on a better path.

 

But everything you say about his Dad being his hero is valid. I don't want to put him in the position of having to choose sides, because that's not fair and not healthy. I think the advice that's been given and that we've been doing is best -- don't say anything bad about his Dad, keep being a positive role model and help him to one day be able to accept his Dad's flaws (and his own) without repeating them, by teaching him to accept everyone's flaws.

 

It's not easy, is it? I knew being a stepparent would have it's challenges, but every now and then I find myself praying "just let them turn out okay" and I never pray for anything (God helps those who help themselves and all that). Sigh.